The Kingdom of the Bored, the One-eyed Man is Bored.

Bored: I'm bored.

Ron: No you aren't. You're Harry.

Harry: True.

Ron: What a lovely day it is here in the Hogwarts Great Hall.

Hermione: What's so great about it?

Ron: Oh Hermione, ever since you finished that relationship with your wand, things haven't been the same for you have they?

Hermione: How did you know about that?

Ron: Your walls aren't exactly sound-proof.

Harry: The thickness of the walls didn't bother me.

Hermione: Huh?

Harry: I transfigured myself into your wand.

Hermione: Eww...

Ron: And I transfigured myself into your...

Harry: Anyway, I'm bored.

Hermione: You could do your homework.

Ron: Practise for Quidditch.

Hermione: Tidy your room.

Ron: Wallpaper the roof.

Hermione: Play on your musical sponges.

Ron: Laminate your giraffe-shaped quill.

Hermione: Give Ron a full-body rubdown.

Ron: Wear Hermione's corset for a day.

Hermione: Go after Voldemort.

Ron: Don't say stupid things. Life's too short.

Hermione: But...

Harry: Speaking of going after Voldemort, who feels like having a mint?

Hermione & Ron: Ok.

All three take one.

Harry: Ha ha ha! I put a love potion in 90 of these hundred mints! Nyah ha ha! These mints will cause havoc around school.

Hermione: Didn't you eat one as well?

Harry: Just to confuse you!

Hermione: How do you know which ones are which?

Harry: Um.

Hotdog Seller: HOTDOGS! GET YOUR HOTDOGS!

Hermione: You want a mint?

Hotdog Guy: Sure.

Hermione kisses Hotdog-y guy, giving him the mint.

Hot-dog Vendor: These Hotdogs... they sparkle like your eyes.

Quentin Tarantino: Perfect! Now, Harry, gouge out his eyes!

Uma Thurman: Harry! Marry me!

Harry: Oh Quentin! Marry me!

Quentin: Ron!

Ron: Hermione!

Hermione: Malfoy!

Malfoy: Harry! Ginny! Pansy! Hermione! Ron! Crabbe! Goyle! Gollum! David Brent! Mongolia! Mr Spoon! Twitter! Memeheremfiggle...

Can-Can girls: Now for something completely different! A deleted scene from POA!

Chorus girls can-can off.

Clouseau!Committee Member: Hagrid, does your Hippogriff attack?

Hagrid: No, my Hippogriff does not attack.

Attack of the Hippogriff on the Committee member.

Committee Member: I thought you said your Hippogriff did not attack.

Hagrid: That is not my Hippogriff.

In a very-much-making sense way of things, we find ourselves in a deleted scene from HBP. With subtitles and author's commentary.

Anne Robinson!Voldemort: Malfoy, what is the correct spelling of Inaccurate?

Anne Robinson! Voldemort: Malfoy, comment orthographiez-vous imprécis?

Malfoy: Umm, I-N-A-C-C-U-R-A-T?

Malfoy: Erm, I-M-P-R-E-C-I-S?

Voldemort: Incorrect, there is an 'e' on the end.

Voldemort: Incorrect, il y a un accent aigu sur le 'E' '

Author: This scene actually took thrity-seven retakes because Malfoy kept getting the right answer. Then a dog started barking in the background, and we had to get it to play the floor during the Doctor Who bit.

Voldemort: Wormtail,

Voldemort: La queue du ver,

Wormtail: Bank!

Wormtail: Banque!

Voldemort: Who played Jack the Ripper in 'Alice in Wonderland'?

Voldemort: Me daterez-vous si je parle 'Jack le ripper' dans voir 'Alice au pays des merveilles'?

Wormtail: Denzel Washington?

Wormtail: Placez vos visages à Keanu Reeves?

Author: Very tricking bowling there from the green team.

Voldemort: Correct!

Voldemort: Être ou ne pas être, pour I a laissé mon coeur à San Francisco, le capital de partie de l'Antarctique. Les ours blancs sont verts. Si vous pouvez lire ceci, obtenez une vie.

Some time later.

Voldemort: R.A.B., you are the weakest link. Avada Kedavra!

R.A.B: Argle argle argle...

***

Snape: I hate you Dumbledore! Avada Kedavra!

Cedric: Argle argle argle...

Snape: Damn! Missed the bugger.

Dumbledore: Snape, if you swear, Voldemort will strike you down for Death Eater Blasphemy!

Snape: Shut up Dumbledore! Avada Kedavra!

Father Ted: Argle argle argle y'eejit.

Snape: Damn! Missed the bugger!

Dumbledore: Snape, if you swear again, Voldemort will strike you down for Death Eater Blasphemy!

Snape: FOR CHRISSAKE! SHUT UP YOU OLD BASTARD!

A green flash of light fills the room.

Guide!Author: At this point, the Universe splits into two alternate realities, one with all the punchlines, one without any. Let's look at the latter first:

UNIVERSE 1: No punchlines

The flash hits Snape.

Dumbledore: Nice shot! 3 points to the dark evil snake lover!

James Morrison: I have nothing to do with this.

Meanwhile, in Hermione's Room; the one she has all to herself because she's prefect...

Hermione: Ron! What are you doing?

Ron: I'm tied up naked in your closet! Don't you remember?

Hermione: Oh yeah... he he he.

Ron: Care for a Blood Cookie?

Hermione: I'll ask Harry.

Hermione opens bedside drawer. Cartwoman explodes out of drawer.

Cartwoman: I am Catwoman! Hear me roar! Roar!

Harry surreptitiously congregates out of the serendipitous drawer.

Harry: Well that's that taken of. Anyone care to carve milk blocks? I like chip shops. Ship Shops. Chop SHIPs.

Butcher: Steak! I love you!

Steven Segal: Karate move which involves a slashing movement of an arm! I love you!

Dyslexic: I'm personally against relationships with Pyramids.

Harry: KKCCKKHH! Come in! KKCCKKHH! Alpha Charlie Foxtrot! Kwadanga danga! Nine please, Carol. The Mukwa. The pheasant has no agenda. Fetch the love dust of the Hoopy-Hoopy lobster-pen.

Harry Beatboxes some more.

Hermione: Let's all have a mint.

This is done.

All: I Love you!

Fin.

Universe 2: Punchlines aplenty!

It hits Dumbledore.

Voldemort: Damn! Missed the bugger!

Fin