Every Guy has a Soft Spot for a Cat

"Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap!" Harry muttered as soon as he shut the door to the loo. He collected himself with a calm breath. "Alright, Harry...you can figure this out. You have defeated the epitome of evil on multiple occasions. Surely you can escape the grasp of a seafaring pedophile."

"Arrgh! Hurry up, me boy!"

Harry paled. "Goodbye, my sweet V-card. How I shall miss thee!" He lifted up the lid of the toilet and gagged. "I would rather piss myself." He quickly slammed it back down and kicked the handle.

"Almost done," he cried over the loud flush. He suddenly wondered how an antique pirate ship had such a modern plumbing system. His musings were interrupted by the faint sound of voices outside.

"Ay, you know how to make a sailor turn to his old ways..."

"What are you talking about?" Harry asked, cracking the door open. He started to slam it shut again as a hand reached for him. "Still busy!"

"Shut up!" hissed a voice as the hand clamped over his mouth.

Harry's eyes widened. "Phmfnr?"

Pansy lifted her hand. "I'm sorry. What was that?"

"I said, 'Pansy?'"

"Oh yes, of course." She put her hand back into position. "We're here to rescue you."

"Rrmm?"

She withdrew her manual muzzle once again. "Try again."

"We?"

"Draco lured Snape off with his feminine wiles," she sighed.

Harry gave her a quizzical yet sympathetic look, the kind one developed when frequented with the company of Draco, as if to say: I know Draco's insane and that you are only the messenger, but what the fuck does that mean?

"Anyways, I wasn't going to question it," she continued. "For some reason, his stupid ideas seem to work in this psychotic nautical dimension."

"How odd."

She smiled and grabbed his hand. "Come on. We have to get you to the boat before the captain figures out what's going on."

"Great," Harry said with a nod.

"Oh, and Harry..."

"What?"

She kissed him on the cheek. "I'm glad you're okay."

He touched his face lightly where her lipstick had stained his skin. "Er...me too," he mumbled.

She tugged him down the corridor frantically. After a few minutes, she froze. "Shit."

"What is it?" he asked.

"We're lost."

He glanced around and yanked his skirt down nervously. "How can we be lost? Don't you remember how you got in?"

She scowled. "Well, we left a trail of Equus posters since we were all out of bread crumbs, but somehow that just didn't work out on a ship full of lust crazed men who have a thing for scantily clad adolescents!"

She grew hushed as her eyes met a door labeled: THIS BE THE CAPTAIN'S QUARTERS--UNDERAGE BOOTY BEWARE.

"Well, this is exactly where I want to be," Harry whispered.

Pansy glared at him. "Sh! I hear something."

Harry just prayed that it wasn't a mattress squeaking in time to a Marvin Gay record.

"Oh Professor Snape," cooed a voice. "You look so manly with your swashbuckle and chest hair..."

"What is a swashbuckle anyway?" Harry asked.

"It's not actually word," Pansy hissed. "Well, it is...but it's a verb, not a noun, meaning to behave or act like a swashbuckler. There's really no such thing as a swashbuckle itself however."

"But ar--"

Pansy's hand had apparently grown affectionate of Harry's mouth during their earlier moments together and felt that it was time for a reunion.

"Why thank you, young lady," came the captain's gruff reply.

"Oh dear me, professor," chirped the other voice. "I seem to have dropped my pencil. I'll just bend over and pick it up...very slowly." There was an impish giggle. "I certainly hope no one looks up my skirt while I'm in such a vulnerable position."

"It's like every bad porno I've ever rented," Pansy murmured with astonishment. She blushed. "For research purposes only of course."

Harry smiled. "Of course."

"Sometimes a girl needs to use whatever resources available to figure out the whole sex thing, especially when all her guy friends, including her first boyfriend, make Batman and Robin's relationship look completely fraternal."

"Wait," Harry said. "All your guy friends are gay? Even Crabbe and Goyle?"

"The two are practically inseparable for a reason, Harry," she said. "Besides, they don't call the Slytherin house the Queen Castle for nothing."

"So that's what Seamus was always referring to when he said he was sore from riding the Dirty Serpent all night at the Queen's Castle...I thought it was a theme park or something."

"First of all," Pansy hissed. "You're retarded. Secondly, shut up! And thirdly, only close friends and lovers can refer to Blaise by his nickname!"

"Oh Merlin, how I've missed you," moaned the Snarry Captain. "I don't know why I ever left you, my darling, I--"

There was dead silence.

"That can't be good," Pansy whispered.

"WHAT IS THIS?"

"Oh shit," Harry squeaked.

The cabin door burst open and a blur of blue lace crashed into them with a shriek.

"The jig is up!" Draco cried, rushing past the confused pair and up the stairs they had somehow neglected to notice.

"Draco!" Pansy shouted. She chased after him, Harry close behind. "What happened?"

"And why are you wearing a dress?" added Harry.

"You were supposed to get him to the boat!" Draco yelled. They plunged on deck and into the sunlight.

"We got lost," she explained.

"The trial of Equus posters didn't work?" They turned sharply.

"What happened?" Pansy repeated.

"And why are you wearing a dress?" Harry cried.

"Says the one in the tasteless mini skirt," scoffed the blonde.

Harry tugged at the article of clothing angrily. "Touché."

"All will be explained as soon as we reach the boat!" Draco exclaimed. He turned and darted toward the edge of the ship. "Where is that infernal bunny?

"I'm so confused it's not even worth asking anymore," Harry groaned.

"Where do you think you're going?" Blackbeard Snape growled, catching Harry by the arm.

"Um...to Funkytown?"

The pirate's look of confusion was immediately followed by one of pain followed by one of unconsciousness. The latter two were most likely the result of Pansy punching the confounded pervert in the face.

"Good work," Draco exclaimed. "I knew I kept you around for a reason."

"I thought you kept me around because you have no reason," she replied.

"That too. Now, everyone in!" With a final cry, the blonde threw himself overboard.

"Draco, no--" Thunk! "Oh the boat was right there...how convenient," Harry said.

The Plot Bunny peered up at them. "I may not always make sense, but I am always convenient!"

"Don't question it. Just get in the boat," Pansy told him.

Harry gave the Snarry ship one last look before giving it the finger and diving into the vessel below. "Tally ho!"

"Zandar give me strength," muttered the only female to board the Snarry ship in the last thirty years. The previous time had been a fluke...one of those confusing Harry's lost twin sister named Mary Sue situations.

She placed a hand on the railing and heaved herself into the air. Her companions gaped in wonder as she landed gracefully in the seat beside Harry. "I was a gymnast as a child," she explained.

"Made one hell of a pretzel if you catch my drift," Draco chuckled, giving Harry a meaningful nudge.

"Quit pretending that turns you on," she sighed.

"I just really enjoy people making strange shapes," Draco told her. "Cirque du Soleil gets me every time!"

"Can we get the fuck out of here?" Harry interrupted.

"Certainly," said the Plot Bunny.

"And could I get some fucking pants--"

"Here." The rabbit had already placed a pair of jeans in Harry's lap.

"Thank you, Captain Convenience."

"You're very welcome."

Draco cocked his head to the side and gave Harry an amused smile.

"What is it?" snapped the Gryffindor.

"Oh nothing," the other boy replied. "You just look cute when you're frustrated because you almost did the horizontal tango with the buccaneer form of your least favorite professor all because you decided to be a good sport and help me find our cat."

"Our cat? Since when are we a...um...we?" Harry stammered.

"Joint custody?" Pansy suggested. "You get him on the weekends and every other holiday?"

"That is no way to speak about our precious HB the Fourth," Draco announced.

"I was talking about how Harry and I were going to deal with you," she joked.

"You shouldn't try to be clever, Pansy. It makes you look trampy."

She scowled at him and ruffled his hair.

"You will die for that," he seethed.

"That's what you get for using all my super duper hold hairspray last week," she replied. "So are you going to tell us what happened or what?"

"Yeah, and why you are wearing a dress--" Harry started.

"Don't get your panties in a twist, Harry," Draco said. He smirked. "That is...figuratively, since you're probably not wearing any."

"I may look like a hooker, but at least I'm not dressed for a photo shoot with Fabio for the cover of a trashy romance novel."

The blonde simply chuckled, smoothed out his taffeta skirt, and assumed storytelling mode. "Well, Harry, on our way to save you from the dreaded clutches of the ruthless Snarry pirates, we had to sail through the Isle of Forgotten Shipwrecks, a most curious place. It just so happened that during our voyage we came across the remains of a most bizarre ship known as the SS Ice Princess Dark Knight."

"Is this some sort of nutso code language?" Harry asked.

"Don't interrupt," Draco chided him. "Now, we intended to just pass this wreck by just as we had done with the Fat Lady/Fenrir one and the Hooch/Quaffle disaster, but a strange coincidence came to our attention."

"That being?"

"You really are a horrid listener," Draco said. "We learned that the SS Ice Princess Dark Knight had recently lost their captain. He apparently jumped ship just before the crash many many years ago, and guess where that very same captain turned up? Go on! Guess!"

"Was it the Snarry Captain?" Harry answered in a toneless voice.

"No, it was the Snarry Captain!" Draco cried. "He was saved from the stormy waters by the Snarry pirates and made one of their own. He worked his way up through the ranks until finally he became the first mate. He then roused the crew to start a mutiny and took the ship over as his own, but I knew he could never fully repent of his old habits!"

"Habits?"

Pansy rolled her eyes. "The SS Ice Princess Dark Knight is the Female Draco/Snape pairing."

"What on earth?"

"Yeah, it's pretty obscure and idiotic," she said.

"Let's just say that the captain has a soft spot for a Draco with curves in all the right places," Draco chimed in.

"I assume that's why you stuffed your bra then," Harry said.

"That and I wanted them to look perky," replied the blonde.

"So what happened on the Snarry ship?" Pansy insisted.

"I lured the captain into his cabin for sexy time as planned," Draco said. "But unfortunately, it was no dice as soon as he discovered my cat was really more of a rooster..."

"And he freaked," said Pansy.

"Precisely!"

"That is all rather elaborate and confusingly so," Harry said. "But if I sit around thinking about it for too long, I'm certain my head shall explode."

"Just be glad you're free," the Plot Bunny told him.

"Good idea."

"Hey," Pansy piped up. She pointed at the waves. "There's something floating toward us."

Draco reached into the water and retrieved a bottle containing a scroll of parchment. "Why it's a letter! And it's addressed to us! What are the odds?"

"Who's it from?" asked Harry.

The blonde held the bottle up in the sunlight and peered through the tinted glass. "From Mysterious Person..."