Every Guy has a Soft Spot for a Cat

After ten minutes of watching Draco scrutinize every version of himself available, Harry had finished four Erotic Trysts in the Broom Closet.

"This truly is hell," he said, staring at his latest empty glass.

"What makes you say that?" Draco asked.

Harry winced as Emo Harry picked up a guitar and strummed.

"I'm sad cuz my nemesis died

I'm sad cuz Voldie said bye-bye

I'm sad cuz my boyfriend's a prick--"

"It's true!" Emo Draco cried.

"But I'm glad cuz he has a big--"

"Point taken," Draco replied hastily, dragging Harry as far away from the emo pair as possible.

"Draco..." Harry moaned like a petulant child.

"What?"

"How much longer until we find you?"

Draco sighed in irritation. "I don't know, Harry...I--" He froze. "Wait." He pointed across the room. "There!"

"It's rude to point."

"Shut up, Harry." Draco gave Harry's chain an extra hard yank. "Over there," he repeated. "That's me...in the future...which is the present...I guess...right now..."

Harry's gaze followed Draco's guiding gesture.

A lone Draco sat at a table in the corner, sipping a Senor Happy in the Pants Mocha Frappe Flavorfiesta serenely.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Harry looked again. "But he looks so...so..."

"Dashing? Handsome? Hardening?"

"Normal," Harry said.

"Really?" asked Draco. He looked his future self up and down. "How so?" He started across the room.

It was at this moment that Harry recalled Hermione telling him that people went mad if they encountered themselves while time traveling. "Draco, maybe we shouldn't--"

"Hello there, chap!" Draco cried cheerfully, approaching himself.

The future version of Draco gave them a perplexed look.

"Hi, I'm Draco," said Draco. He held out a hand. "And this is Harry."

The future version of Draco nodded. "Yes, well, nice to meet you. I'm Draco as well."

It was at this moment that Harry recalled that Draco couldn't possibly get any madder than he already was. "Just plain Draco? No stupid title tagged on the front?" he asked.

The future Draco smiled. "Well, I have always been fond of Eccentric Millionaire Draco...nice coat by the way."

Draco elbowed Harry. "See! I told you he's me!"

"I never said he wasn't!"

The future Draco smiled as they argued. "I remember when Harry and I fought like that."

"Wait," Harry said. "What do you mean? Where is your Harry--I mean, where am I?"

"Yeah, how'd you get on the boat without him?" Draco added.

The future Draco sighed. "Oh, he's not here right now."

"Oh, well, that's just like him, isn't it? Always too busy saving the world to notice attractive blonde Slytherins--"

Harry tapped Draco on the shoulder. "Draco..."

"What?"

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Shit! My car keys!"

"Okay...first of all, you don't know what a car is, much less how to drive one...and second, that's not what I meant!"

"I'm drawing a blank here..."

"HB the Fourth!"

"Oh yes," Draco said with a grin. He turned to his future self. "Excuse me...could you possibly--that is--do you happen to know--rather--what exactly or how exactly--"

"Everyone exit the ship immediately!" came the frantic cry of Coyote Ugly Draco.

Harry whirled around to see a man that looked strangely like Professor Snape dressed like a pirate hoisting Showgirl Harry over his shoulder. In fact, quite a large crowd of men resembling the Potions Master if he happened to wear pirate garb were snatching any Harry they could lay their hands on.

"Holy pirates, Batman Harry! The Infamous Snarry Pirates are attacking!" shrieked Robin Draco.

"Indeed they are, my observant chum," Batman Harry replied. "I believe one of them is handcuffing me to his belt as we speak."

The future version of Draco grabbed Draco frantically. "You have to get Harry out of here...NOW!"

Harry paled as the entire crowd hushed. "Draco..."

Thump-creak-thump-creak-thump-creak!

"The Snarry Captain," someone whispered in horrified awe.

Harry couldn't move, and every moment he heard the thump-creaks get closer. A firm hand met leather and squeezed Harry's butt like it had never been squeezed before. "Argh! I like me the look of that booty!"

"Insert terribly obvious pirate joke here," Draco muttered.

Harry wished he could spontaneously combust on command. "Draco," he squealed. "Help me."

The Snarry Captain turned Harry around and gave him a good and painfully slow look. "Boys!" he hollered. "I think I found me treasure!" And with a wild howl of laughter, he threw Harry over his shoulder and marched out of the room.

The crowd of lamenting Draco's fought back passionately. Unfortunately, as they were all big sissies, it was a useless battle.

Draco dashed out on the deck, just catching a glimpse of Harry in the crowd of unhealthy student-teacher relationships. "Harry!"

"Draco!"

"I'll save you! I promise!"

Harry didn't look convinced. "Sure...I just hope Professor Snape isn't too well hung!"

Draco frowned. "I'll rescue you AND I'll bring you a seat cushion! You'll probably need it for a few weeks!"

And with one last look of utter despair, Harry's face was lost. Draco turned away and shuffled down the gangplank.

"You have to go find him," the future Draco said. He sat on the dock's edge and glanced at the pirate ship sailing away.

"I know--"

"No, you don't!" The future Draco punched the wooden planks. "Don't make the same mistake I did. I watched Harry get taken from me once and did nothing," he said. "I won't do it again."

Draco blinked. "Well, what do you suggest?"

Meanwhile, Pansy was engaged in a heated philosophical debate with One-Eyed One-Legged Joe, the hobo whose alley she was currently occupying.

They had almost reached the point of understanding the meaning of life when two blonde heads popped around the corner.

Pansy shrieked. "Draco? And um...Draco?"

Draco pulled her out of the alley urgently. "Pansy, you know that thing you do to get good ideas?"

"You mean, think?"

Draco nodded. "Yeah! We need you to do that."