A Life Half Lived

CHAPTER 17

Morgan stretched and then curled up again next to her lover. It had been as wonderful as their first time, and she pressed a kiss on his chest, his deep breathing indicating he was still asleep.

His arms tightened around her and she reveled in the feeling of protection she felt in them.

She watched the sleeping face of Snape and felt uneasy. His brow was furrowed and she could see his eyes moving beneath the closed lids. Obviously he was in the grip of some sort of nightmare, and she felt sorrow that his demons pursued him even in sleep.

Not that hers didn't, but she had long been able to bury them and had found sleeping with a partner had managed to calm the worst of them.

Obviously Severus had not had the opportunity to experience this, or to learn the trick.

Morgan smiled, remembering just how sexually naive the man was, and how much she enjoyed teaching him what she enjoyed, and finding new ways to pleasure him.

She moved one arm and freed her hand, stroking his brow and feeling him calm. Morgan put her arms around him. He was so dear to her, and she wondered what she would do if they were to ever part.

Already she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

She remembered what he had told her about his home and her heart sank. He would need an heir. And she could not give him that heir.

For his own sake, she would have to leave him - to allow him to find a woman who could bear his children.

Unknown to her, she started to cry softly. She so wanted to give him children. So desperately wanted with him what Pilar had with Remus.

And because of her wretched mother and her husband, she could never have any of it. And now she would have to give up the man she loved more than life itself.

There. It was admitted. She loved Severus Snape. But she could not give him the child he needed to pass his home onto. Could not give him the family that she felt he craved.

Morgan's sobs grew more agitated, rousing Snape and making him wonder what had upset her so badly. He gathered her into his arms, wrapping himself around her and trying awkwardly to comfort her.

He had never been in a position like this before - never wanted to give such comfort to a woman. And now when he desperately wanted to look after her, he didn't know how.

"Morgan, please don't cry." Disaster. That only seemed to make her sob harder. Ye Gods, how did one do this? He stroked the red curls he loved so much and kissed the top of her head. Perhaps at some point he had best have a long chat with Lupin about these de Lisle women. Get some pointers on how to comfort them.

He sincerely hoped that sex with her wasn't going to end each time with her sobbing in his arms!

"Please Morgan. What is wrong?"

He felt her move in his arms, heard her sniff and she looked up at him. Her eyes were red and still drenched with tears. Her face splotchy. She looked dreadful.

He thought she looked wonderful.

He kissed the tear-drenched eyes, still trying to comfort her. "Tell me what's wrong."

Morgan felt his caress and pressed closer to him. The concern in his voice nearly overwhelming her again.

"I can't give you children, Severus. Yet you have a home that needs you to have a child to pass it to. "

"I don't understand Morgan. Have I ever mentioned children?"

"You don't have to," she wailed. "You have a home that's been in your family for generations. It can't stop here. You need an heir."

"Morgan, my dear, there are ways around it. We can find a way."

"I'm damaged, Severus. You know that I can't have children."

"So a doctor has confirmed it?"

"No, but you..."

"I said probably. Not definitely." He kissed her again. "Besides, until we know for sure then there is no need to worry." Snape looked at the woman in his arms. "Are you desperate for a child immediately?"

"No."

"Then why worry now?"

"Because I want so much to give you what you don't have." Morgan looked uncomfortable. "And I envy Pilar and Remus so much. They have their family, and I have nothing."

"I suppose I'm just a ham sandwich?"

In spite of herself, Morgan giggled. "You are the most wonderful man. But to be honest, I have no idea why I love you so much. You're an arrogant egotistical bastard who takes delight in tormenting people. And I wouldn't have you any other way."

"So exactly what is your problem?" he asked, his temper starting to get the better of him, his voice sarcastic.

"I want a child, Severus. For two people in love, having a child is the most intimate thing they can do. I want us to share that. I want to be able to give you something that you don't even know you need."

"We first slept together a week ago. Don't you think you're moving a little fast? I'd rather have you all to myself for a while yet. At least another two years, for example."

"But what if we put it off and then it gets to be too late."

He was completely exasperated with her now. The woman was being totally irrational. He sat up and dragged her up with him, his hands on her shoulders. "How old are you, Morgan?"

"31 - nearly 32."

"And I'm only 37. I would say we have some time before we start to worry about it being too late for children."

Morgan wrenched herself away from him. "You don't understand!" she cried.

"I'm trying to! Talk sense, Morgan. This conversation is completely irrational."

"What if something happens to one of us? What if we don't have the time? What if..."

"The sky falls?"

Morgan flounced out of bed, jerkily dressing in the first clothes that came to hand. She looked at him in bed, and forced herself to keep her temper boiling. He looked so adorably confused.

"That was plain dumb."

"And what you've been saying isn't?"

"My arguments, " she said loftily, "are based on what is happening around us. Based on what my job is. There is every chance that I could be killed."

"Everybody dies, Morgan. And if you want to kill yourself, then go right ahead. In the meantime, you can't live your life frightened of what might happen."

"And just look who's talking!" she hissed at him, leaving the room and slamming the bedroom door.

He heard a pop as she disapparated and fell back onto the bed. The whole conversation had left him reeling, but what had really hurt was her last comment.

Because it was true.

He felt his own gut churn with fear, and realized that their future was something they would have to discuss. Something that they would have to decide on - without their fears getting in the way.

He didn't know how to let his go, and he suspected she was the same.

He turned on his side and curled up, letting the fear take control of him. He could hear the demons laughing at him and he began to tremble.

Tomorrow he would find Morgan. He knew where she was.

Right now, all he could do was try to avoid letting the demons drive him insane.