A Life Half Lived

CHAPTER 14

Severus Snape stirred and woke, surprised to find that despite their long sleep, he still held Morgan in his arms. Not that he wanted to let go - but he knew he tended to be a restless sleeper.

But then, he couldn't remember when he had last slept so long, or so soundly. In fact, he couldn't even remember falling asleep. He smiled slightly. He had found her tattoo, and they had allowed themselves to be united by the tattoos, for the first time in his life he understood what it was to be a Slytherin Prince. And he realised that this particular Queen had chosen him.

The thought was sobering, and he felt humbled, because she had not only offered him her love and herself, but also the gift of her honour. He hoped he was worthy of her trust.

He looked at the clock by the bed and realised that they had long missed both breakfast and lunch - not surprising since it had been dawn before exhaustion had sent both of them to sleep.

He watched her sleep, her breathing deep and even, and under his hands felt her body moving with those long even breaths. He bent his head down and softly kissed each closed eyelid, then lingered long on her lips.

He felt her stir in his arms and her eyes opened. She smiled at him, and brought a hand up to touch his face.

"What a lovely way to wake up," she said, pulling his head down for another, longer, kiss, and then snuggled closer to him, resting her head against his bare chest, and never wanting to move again.

"Do you know I've wanted to wake up with you since I was seventeen? Had a crush on you since I was thirteen?" she asked

He stiffened with surprise. "Did I know you when you were thirteen?" he asked

Morgan giggled. "Not exactly know me - after all I was a lowly second year and you were a seventh. I adored you from afar. And made myself a positive pest to P about you," she giggled suddenly, "When you and P started to date, I wanted to scratch her eyes out."

She felt him chuckle and he kissed the top of her head. "You probably were a brat," he said. "But why all this past history?"

She raised herself on one elbow and looked at him. "I need you to know who and why I am the way I am. I need you to know that this means more to me than just another fling." She looked sad. "Even if you don't love me - I need you to know what I feel about you."

As if she could no longer stand to be held by him, she pulled pillows up behind her shoulders and settled back. "Shall I tell you what happened to me after that?"

Severus sat up next to her. He thought he had made it quite clear to her that he loved her! "Go on," he said slowly, realising that she was about to tell him something vitally important to her.

"When I was seventeen - and in my sixth year, you came back into my life. But you'd changed from the boy I had known. You were starting to become the cold man that I met last summer. I knew something had happened to you - but I had my own problems to worry about.

"You can imagine the effect the defeat of you-know-who, and P's disappearance three years before had on our family," she said. "In 1982 there was only my mother and I - and she was desperate to get back the indulged life she had previously lived.

"She met a man - a squib who lived as a Muggle - and decided that she would make him her second husband. He was one of the few who had dealings with both worlds. He was rich, and powerful - in fact he was one of the few squibs who you-know-who tolerated in his presence.

"Unfortunately for Mother, he was not interested in her. She was far too old. He preferred me."

Snape stiffened. "But you were still only a schoolgirl," he said.

Morgan nodded. "His name was George Winter. And he was a beast. He liked schoolgirls - and decided that I would make the perfect wife." She held up her hand and ticked off on her fingers "I was young, a virgin, attractive, a reasonably strong witch, and my family were very old, and very distinguished. " She looked at Snape whose face showed disgust. "Those were his words. He made sure that love had nothing whatsoever to do with it. It was a business arrangement where my mother got her lifestyle, Lucius Malfoy got power, and he got the object of his lust. I got nothing."

She took a breath. "So we were married - and I came back to school a wife, though the only person who knew was Dumbledore. He had to know, as my husband insisted that I spend one weekend per month with him." She shuddered. "Those were the worst weekends of my life. He subjected me to the most degrading acts - and I learned that sex was not something that happened between lovers, but merely a way to assuage lust." She looked him in the eyes, her own filled with tears and her face filled with love. "And that was what I believed for many years. Until I met you again - and realised that sex without love is empty." And she kissed him gently - a kiss of love.

His arms went around her, wanting to protect her from the tale she told him, wanting to change the past for her.

She settled into the circle of his arms, feeling safe, loved. It gave her the strength to go on.

"By the time school started again, I had been well trained by my husband. In short, I was now a whore. And then I saw you again. You had changed as well - during the summer you had changed from the nervous person you had been the previous year, to a much more confident man. But so cold. I was, by that time, so confused, and equated lust with love. I decided that what I felt for you was nothing but the lust that my husband had for me - and wanted you. I tried everything."

Snape smiled at that. "That year I do remember," he said, "and you have no idea how hard it was to resist you." He sat up a bit straighter, dragging her with him. "It was you, wasn't it," he said, recognising her finally. "Morgana de Lisle."

She nodded. "Yes. I was surprised that you didn't recognise me, especially since Dumbledore insists on calling me Morgana - and because you know who my sisters are. But then I thought, why would you have associated her with Morgan Winter?"

He shook his head. "The connection was there, for some reason I just never made it. No - I didn't want to make it. Is it a consolation to know that I wanted you as much as you wanted me? That the hardest thing was for me to remember you were one of my students, and forbidden?" He chuckled suddenly. "I do remember tossing you out of my bed one night."

She grinned. "I remember that too. You weren't particularly gentle as I remember. And the floor of the corridor is very hard!" She stopped and looked up at him. "I admire you now even more than ever. I had no idea you wanted me then. If I had, I probably would have just tried harder - and probably succeeded."

Severus hugged her tighter and kissed her, desire flaming again. "If you had tried any harder, I can guarantee you would have succeeded. It was a close thing at the time."

"Just don't try it again," she said with mock sternness.

"Oh, I don't think there's a danger of that. I've come to the conclusion that you're rather useful in my bed."

Morgan blushed, and Snape was interested to note that her blush seemed to start somewhere around her navel.

"You are a horrible man," she said, realising that he had again successfully teased her. "You made our lives hell in your classes. For me - you made life worse because I wanted you so much. To be in the class with you was bad enough, but detentions were worse. And yet I did everything I could to get you to give me a detention. Anything to spend time with you."

"I've made lots of lives hell in my classes. I never wanted to teach. I prefer research," he said - a familiar bitterness back in his voice. "I felt that if I made my students hate me, it would make my own self-hatred less."

Morgan held him closer, touched by what he had chosen to reveal. "It didn't work, did it?" she asked.

"No. It only makes it worse. But what happened to you?"

"By the end of the school year I was frantic. And things got worse when I left school. By that time, George had started to use me to find out secrets. I was a whore and worse, because he made me use magic on his enemies. And used me as a prize for those he wanted to reward," and her face darkened as she remembered. Remembered the person who had been "rewarded" with her most often. And remembered with distaste her own eagerness for that person.

"One night I decided that I couldn't take it any more. I went down to the river and decided to kill myself. But first, I decided to take my revenge upon George. I decided to hex him, and had just taken out my wand to start the spell when a man and a woman grabbed me.

"They were Aurors, and apparently they had been watching me for a while. They knew everything, and we came to a deal. They would help me get out of my marriage, but in return I had to become an Auror as well - and my first task would be to catch my husband and his associates.

"I agreed - I felt that it was a better life than the one I had had - even though all that had really changed was whose side I was working for. I went home that night, determined to leave George. But when I got home, I discovered that I wasn't the only one who wanted him out of the way. He had been killed. By magic.

"As it turned out, what he thought was a secret was well known to authorities in both worlds. I was arrested and taken to New Scotland Yard - young wife, much older, very rich husband. It was there that I discovered how closely the Aurors and the Police work together."

She looked at him. "I was apprenticed to the Aurors, and learned my lessons well. Dumbledore kept an eye on me and started to use me for some of his little assignments, each one seeming to increase my strength.

"As I grew older, I discovered that I enjoyed sex. That for some reason I attracted men and could choose my partners."

She started to giggle. "Sirius Black calls me "sex on legs" and that's probably true. I made sure I cultivated the image of the sexy widow."

Shape stiffened. "You've had a relationship with Black, then," he said slowly, remembering the telephone conversation he had heard, and feeling a surge of jealousy run through him, and knew his voice had been hard, bitter.

Morgan put her arms around him, feeling a surge of triumph flow through her. He was jealous! "No - I've never had a relationship with Sirius. I've had sex with him. It was good, we both enjoyed it, but neither of us ever intended it to be anything but good, fun sex. I like men. I like sex. But I've told you - I've never made love until last night. And quite frankly," she said, "I don't want any other man to touch me ever again. Only you, Sev."

He pulled her down into the bed with him and kissed her long and hard. Their lovemaking was tender and slow, and when they had finished she nestled against his chest again.

"I don't want this to end," she whispered. "I don't want to leave you."

His kiss on her forehead was comforting. "You don't have to," he said, pulling her closer. "It's taken you since you were thirteen to get me, but I have to admit you've won, Morgana de Lisle. But you'll have to take me as I am. Bad moods, sarcasm and all. And never, ever call me Sev again."

Morgan sighed. She had no need to envy Pilar and Remus now. This was her man, her love. "I can't think of anything I'd like more," she replied, kissing him and being kissed back. "Sev," she ended wickedly.

Severus Snape hid a smile at her final word. His darling girl was definitely going to be a handful. He kissed her again, deepening it deliberately and knew he still held one important part of the puzzle she obviously did not know.

It had been him who had killed her husband. And he was terrified that she would hate him when she discovered he was the assassin known as Shadow.