Le Défi

Chapter Four

Eyebrows and Essays

I only procrastinate so I'll have plans for tomorrow - Anonymous

A razor in one hand, a wand in the other, and an expanded bag stuffed full of socks at his feet, James felt very well equipped as he stood over the sleeping figure known as Severus Snape. Or, if you were of any social standing at all, the sleeping figure known as Snivellus Snape.

Now, he asked himself jokingly, what should I do?

Why, he answered himself (in a different internal voice, just to make it interesting), the answer's simple, my dear Prongs. You should shave off one eyebrow, then proceed to skip out of here and have a good laugh in the morning.

The evil grin spreading, he posed the razor at the proper angle, over the right eyebrow, and scraped it across Snivellus' brow, taking about half the hair with it, not bothering to avoid cutting his arch-nemesis. He tilted his head to the side to view the results.

Not bad, he admitted to himself.

Working for a good two minutes, James made sure that Snivellus was completely right eyebrow-free before he turned on his heel and left the dormitory, conveniently forgetting to Transfigure the razor back into a shoe. The Slytherins could figure it out later; James had socks to smuggle!

Remus had a look on his face that said quite distinctly, oh great. "What'd you do?" he asked with a sigh.

James grinned. "I simply removed something that is not at all needed."

"What? A foot? A hand? A wand? Two wands?"

"Nope. What I removed is technically not at all needed for anything."

"What, Prongs!"

"An eyebrow. The right eyebrow, to be exact."

A strange look formed on Remus' face. His eye twitched, and the corners of his mouth were fighting to stay down. Finally, he gave in and began to laugh.

"His eyebrows?"

James began laughing as well. "Only one."

"One eyebrow?" he shook his head and started for the boys corridor. "I have to see this."

"Now, now Moony, we can all see it tomorrow, we can't dawdle, after all," James said in his best grandmother voice.

Remus rolled his eyes, but picked up his bag. "Did you get all of them?"

"I think so. Let's get out of here. The evil atmosphere is going to suffocate me."

"Amen to that. D'you want to stop in the kitchens on the way back? I'm starving."

"Mmm... Food."

Grinning at their accomplishment, they hoisted the bags over their shoulders and set out, leaving the Slytherin common room and dormitories sockless.

Making their way through the halls was much harder on the way back, as they had to carry the bags while bent over. James had a weird feeling that wasn't going away, like someone was staring at him from behind, and his constant turning to check was hindering their journey.

"Whose idea was it to let you be Speed," Remus huffed after the latest 'spin around' resulted in the Invisibility Cloak falling off.

"Shut up," James said. "I have very good instincts. I think whoever's following us is hiding, or has their own Cloak."

"'Cause that's likely." Remus rolled his eyes.

"I'm serious!"

"No, you're James."

"Ha ha."

"I thought so."

"You know how old that one is, right?"

"Overused by October of first year. But if he was here his face would turn purple, and that never gets old."

"True."

"Exactly."

"Are we going to get food or not?"

"Lead on, mon capitaine." Remus gave what was most likely supposed to be a bow, but didn't look much like one, as the Cloak allowed little movement if they still wanted it to work.

"We are really weird sometimes."

"Total losers, all four of us."

"Yup."

They both grinned.

*

"Toss me the bag, mate," Sirius said, lounging on the floor.

James pushed it off the end of his bed before reaching for the cookies he and Remus had collected from the kitchens.

"Sho ash I wash shayink," Peter said, his mouth full of creampuff, "it'sh shorra mowfungshunink agaim."

Remus crossed his eyes. "What sort of malfunctioning?"

"The kind where it doesn't work."

"Thank you for your insightful input, Master Padfoot."

"Why you're very welcome, Master Moony."

"Not at all, dear friend, not at all."

"Would both of you just give it a rest?" James asked. Then he turned to Peter. "Now - what's wrong with it?"

"It's stopped working." He held up the map. "All the people have disappeared, and half the classrooms show up only at regular intervals."

Sirius cocked his head to the side. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Remus took the map and examined it. "It means," he said, "that they change every five seconds. When the Charms rooms are there, the dungeons aren't. When the Transfiguration rooms are there, the greenhouses are only half there, and the Astronomy tower isn't, but the North tower is."

"Gimme that," James said, holding out his hand.

Remus tossed it to him.

James took it, stared for a minute, the turned it upside down and continued to stare. "Yup," he said after a minute, "it's busted all right."

Classrooms popped up and disappeared in a sort of pattern, as Remus had tried to describe. There were no people in the entire of the castle, and the objects on the grounds seemed to be changing their locations at random. James was positive, for example, that Hagrid's cabin was not located on the shore of the lake.

James flopped onto his back. "All that work," he muttered, "and it's not even working."

Sirius took the map from him and examined it carefully. "What d'you think happened to it?"

James shrugged. "You guys try to add anything?"

"Not lately," Peter said. "Not since this afternoon."

Remus lay back, hands behind his head. "Maybe the Charm wore off? We need to figure out how to make them permanent."

"Charms can wear off?"

James looked at Peter, but wisely chose to keep his mouth shut.

"So we need to make them permanent," Sirius thought out loud. "That'll take a lot of power."

"We can do it," James responded automatically.

Sirius nodded enthusiastically. "We can do anything."

"I suppose... If we all do the incantation at once... It could work." Remus sat up again, holding out his hand for the Map. "Or maybe... If we each... Yes, that could work..."

"What?" asked Sirius exasperatedly.

"We could charm it individually, so that some out personalities and opinions are put into it."

"Isn't that illegal?" Peter asked nervously.

James shrugged. "Probably. What would it do though, Moony?"

"We could make it yell at people who don't know the password."

James grinned. "I like it."

"Me too."

"Let's get started!"

"Not now Wormtail, we just got back. Give us some time to pull off the Great Sock Escapade before we worry about the Map too."

"So we'll begin that tomorrow. What're we going to do with all of these socks?" James asked, waving his hand in the direction of the bags.

"We already decided to make garlands," Sirius said. "For about half of the socks."

"Garlands?"

"Garlands. You know, those evergreen things that pop up every Christmas?"

"I know what they are."

"That's good. If you didn't I'd be a bit worried." Peter grinned.

"Wait - I thought we were already worried about Prongs."

"We are, but for different reasons."

"What? You think I'm mentally unstable?" James tried to look offended.

"No, we think you're clinically insane."

"Same difference, as far as I see it."

"Moony! You're supposed to be supporting me here!"

"Why?"

"Because I'm not clinically insane! I'm just... um... I just... pay too much attention to you guys."

"Gee, now I'm going to support you."

"You walked right into that one."

"A few cards short of a deck."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Everyone shut up!" Sirius stood and raised his hands.

Three blank stares.

"Much better," he continued. "Now, we have garlands to make. When one sock out of every pair has been put in a garland, we will string them up between the Ravenclaw and Slytherin stands on the Quidditch pitch - because you have the best view of that spot from the front doors. Then we'll give the others back individually."

"A sock pie here, a snitch in a sock there..."

"A bomb in their common room perhaps?"

"Dungbombs in the toes."

"Oh - I'd have to see them put them on!"

Sirius stood up and imitated Snivellus. 'Oh, look here at this delightfully warm sock. Let's just put it on-" he began to put on an imaginary sock "-AHHH!" Sirius leapt back wards, as the imaginary dung bomb went off, the sat up again and plugged his nose, making a fist with his other hand and shaking it at the ceiling. "Dat's sbelly. Does damb Gryffiddors. I will hab by revedge!"

James fell back laughing. "Oh - but he could never pull one on us."

"I dunno," Remus said, "I think that he could probably one-up you on curses. But," he said quickly, noticing James' darkened expression, "when it comes to pranks and originality, he's got nothing."

"Hear hear!" Sirius said, toasting Remus with a cookie. "Now, anyone care to help me make garlands?"

*

Breakfast on a Sunday is a lengthy affair. Most everyone sleeps in, so the food must remain on the tables till at least ten-thirty, but some people rise early to get that annoying essay done, the one that's been put off for the past six days and is due Monday, so the meal must be served at the usual time. James, for the first time since he had arrived at Hogwarts, was at the table in time to have the sausage still hot. It was very good - he had forgotten what it tasted like with temperature.

For the time being, he was alone at the Gryffindor table. No one seemed to be up yet, except for a few browners from Ravenclaw and a few evil Slytherins. James poked idly at his food, bored. He was used to having chatting girls around when his friends weren't. He was used to being bombarded with younger students wanting to be Quidditch stars too. He was used to noise. Being alone was all too quiet for James' liking.

"James?"

His head snapped up, happy that someone was breaking the monotony.

"What are you doing here? It's not even eight yet."

Turning his head, James found Lene behind him.

"Transfiguration essay due tomorrow," he explained. "I figure I should get it done."

She raised her eyebrows. "Really?" she said in an incredibly sarcastic voice.

"Really."

"Okay then. See you later, Lily's waiting for me."

"Li- Evans? Where is she?" James glanced up and down the table, which was still empty.

"Over there, with Jake and Beth and Garret." Lene pointed her thumb over her shoulder, at the Ravenclaw table.

"Webber?"

"Jake," Lene said, interrupting James inner turmoil. "They're going out. Have been for a week."

"Really. I thought she liked Kane."

Kane? Ew! That'd be like... Like... me falling for Sirius. Couldn't happen, we're friends. It'd be disastrous."

"So she's dating Webber," James said darkly. Oh, what he wouldn't give to get Jake Webber in a dark corridor and beat him to a pulp. What he wouldn't do to make Webber fail, to become horrendously ugly, to lose whatever quality that Lily liked in him.

"Don't be too happy for her."

"You're almost as sarcastic as Remus, you know that?"

"No, I didn't. See you later James."

"See ya."

James curled his lip at the table. Webber indeed. Hmph. What does she see in that idiot? He can't do anything. He doesn't play Quidditch, he's flippin' annoying, doesn't even have being a Prefect going for him... not that that's something to be happy about. Hmph.

To tell the truth, James had never really held an opinion about Jake Webber before, except that they had the same first name, and James was thankful that Jake preferred a nickname. He now held a huge, negative opinion of Jake Webber.

Suddenly, he wasn't hungry. Not at all. All appetite had floated away with the news that Lily was dating someone. Someone who wasn't James. It wasn't fair.

Standing up quite suddenly, James stormed out of the Hall, on his way to collect his broom and go flying.

*

It was because of his sudden rage that James didn't witness the Amazing Eyebrowless Snivellus until after lunch. He came in after a rigorous fly, which had taken him out over the lake, through the treetops of the Forbidden Forest, and up and down the Quidditch pitch several dozen times, to a large gathering of the Admirers.

"James!" they chirruped.

Oh fun.

"Girls!" he called back, plastering his trademark smirk on his face, hoping it didn't look too fake. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Haven't you seen Snivellus yet?"

"You did it, didn't you?"

"It's simply brilliant."

"How do you come up with these things?"

He grinned. "I have no idea what you're talking about! I haven't done anything brilliant lately. Although... I'm not saying I did anything merely amazing either..."

"Of course not."

"But it was you, wasn't it?"

"Jane Sommers said it was Sirius Black, and I told her that she could just-"

"-cookies, hope you like chocolate chips."

"Then I said-"

"Blah blah blah blah."

"Yadda yadda yadda."

"So she said, 'as if.' And I said, 'I know!' And she said, 'No!'"

"Blah blah blah..."

"Girls, girls!" James said loudly, as their voices all melded together. "I can only listen to one story at a time. Now, why don't we all go get some lunch, so that we can all see the remarkable Snivellus."

"What a great idea!"

"We can all see your handy-work in person."

"So I said, 'shut up!' and she said, 'Make me!' and I said, 'just watch me,' and she said, 'I'd like see you try!'"

"Blah blah yadda yadda something something blah blah..."

It was a very uptight James that spotted Sirius over the heads of the Admirers.

"Sirius!" he called. "Save me a seat!" Then he turned to the girls. "Now, I'm really sorry girls, but I'll have to go talk to Sirius now. But, if you all want, I think I'll be out flying later, if you want to come watch. Maybe we can eat those cookies after."

They all dissolved into ditzy smiles as James strutted over to his best friends. After a quick glance at the Slytherin table, James determined that Snivellus hadn't shown up yet. However, there were several people worth watching.

Avery himself, bane to Sirius' existence, was hobbling from one end of the table to the other, muttering under his breath. There wasn't one Slytherin who didn't look miserable. A few girls at one end had their shoes off, rubbing bare feet in a pained way. Bellatrix was one of them; she looked up and caught James' eye, but it wasn't the usual flirtatious look, it was a look of pure evil.

James shivered involuntarily.

Sirius grinned.

"Not a word Black, not a word."

"I didn't say anything! But, if I was going to say something, I'd remark on how you look like hell. What's up?"

"Evans is dating Jake Webber."

Remus snorted. "The Ravenclaw?"

James grunted a reply.

"Well," Peter said, "at least she's dating a James. Even if he doesn't use his full name. And if he's not you. It's a step in the right direction, right?"

James narrowed his eyes.

"Prongs my man, you're just not going about it the right way!" Sirius exclaimed, waving his hands through the air.

"And what would you do?" Peter asked, no doubt looking to pick up a few pointers.

"Watch and learn my friend, watch and learn." Sirius stood up and grabbed his wand. First, he conjured up a dandelion and a daisy, then grabbed a fork. Turning towards the High Table, he sauntered over to where Lily, Lene and Pat were sitting.

"Lene!" he called.

All three of the looked over at him, grinning.

"Sirius!" Lene called back.

"Pour vous, mademoiselle," he said, holding out the dandelion to her.

"Oh. Thanks." The sarcastic look was back.

"How thoughtful," Pat giggled.

"Ah, but I have a gift for you as well, most beautiful lady!" he said, presenting her with the daisy.

"Thank you," she said, blushing slightly.

"So, what are you beautiful ladies doing on this fine day?" he asked.

Lily cleared her throat as Pat answered him.

"Really!" Sirius exclaimed. "I was planning on going for a walk too! Maybe we should all go together!"

"Sirius?" Lily raised her eyebrows.

"What?"

She crossed her arms.

Sirius laughed, not noticing the dozen or so female heads that turned in his general direction.

"Ah," he said, "I forgot one! You, loveliest of Lady Lilys, gets this shiny fork!" He bowed low to her, holding out a silver fork for her approval.

Lily took it graciously, obviously having forgiven him. "Why thank you Sir Sirius," she laughed. "And in return, I bestow upon you this knife, with which to kill dragons." She reached across the table and took someone's butter knife, then turned back around to hand it to Sirius.

"You have my eternal gratitude, fair lady." He bowed once again, pulled Lene's hair to stop her sniggering, then turned and made his way back to James and Peter.

"I'll see you at five then!" Lene called to his back.

"See?" he said, handing the knife to James as he sat down. "Nothing to it."

"What're you and Lene doing?" Remus inquired.

"I dunno. Walk around the lake, maybe a snog or two thrown in for good measure..." He shrugged.

"Really?"

"Peter, this is Lene we're talking about. Gawd... she wouldn't hesitate to punch me in the face if I even kissed her on the cheek."

"So, what're you doing?"

"Transfiguration, she wants to learn that inanimate to animate thing Prongs and I did to the desks in History on Thursday. So anyway, see how easy that was Prongs?"

James sighed, poking the table with the knife. "No offence mate, but I don't think I'd get the same reaction if I offered her a fork."

Sirius gave him a Look. "Of course you wouldn't get the same reaction, you'd look stupid trying that after I just did it."

"I mean the general idea. She hates me, remember?"

Peter nodded. "She really does hate him."

"Thanks Wormtail, thanks."

"What?" Peter looked to Sirius for help.

Sirius sighed, waving his hand as if to dismiss them. "I was simply demonstrating the elementary step of winning a girl: stuff. Girls like stuff. They like stuff even more when you give it to them. I just re-won the affection of three completely different girls, with three stupid gifts."

"Gee thanks, I never would'a figured that one out. I know how to date, Padfoot."

"If I may Prongs, you know how to date normal girls. Lily Evans is not normal. She's something else entirely." Sirius nodded knowingly.

"Well I know that!" James huffed and slumped in his seat. "Dammit, why do you think I like her?"

"She is pretty hot," Peter suggested. "And she's a red-head, and she's smart and she's the only girl who'll have nothing to do with you."

"Once again, Master Wormtail, your guidance is invaluable."

"Thanks Prongs."

I have got to work on my sarcasm.

"I've got to go," James said quickly. "Later."

As he passed through the door to the Entrance Hall, he could feel eyes boring into the back of his head. A smirk forming, James reached slowly for his wand, counting down in his head.

Four... Three... Two... One...

"Furnunculus!"

"Petrificus Totalus!" James cried, spinning around and pointing his wand at the chest of Snivellus.

Snape's arms and legs locked together, and he rocked back and forth, finally falling forward onto his face. James sauntered over and poked at him with his toe.

"What's this?" he asked no one in particular. "I seem to have found a greaseball. What should I do with it?"

Students began to gather in a circle.

Jamming his foot under Snape's shoulder, he flipped his enemy over. "Slow slimy thing, aren't you? Finite."

Snape hopped up immediately. "Rictusempra!"

James conjured up a shield as quickly as he could, deflecting the greater part of the hex, but still some of it got through. The students to his left dived out of the way, then reformed their ring.

"Very nice, Snivellus," he said maliciously, after the coughing fit ended. "I see you're improving your dueling. Although I see your shaving skills leave something to be desired."

Snape flushed.

"Nice face!" someone yelled.

James smirked.

"You did this to me," Snape hissed.

"What? That?" James pointed. "You actually think I came close enough to you to hex off an eyebrow? Why - the layers of oil would deflect the spell! I'm sure everyone gives me more credit than that!"

People began murmuring in agreement.

"Reducto!"

James dodged just in time, sending out his own spell to veer the deadly one up to the ceiling. He looked up in surprise and shock, but kept any traces of it out of his voice. "Now, now, Snivellus, you could have hurt someone with a curse like that. Expelliarmus!"

Snape's wand went flying. In the absence of one, he did what first instinct told him to. He dove at James.

"Hey!" James yelled as they went down. His wand clattered away as they fell to the floor in a tangle of swinging fists, and his glasses were soon to follow. James felt his fist connect with Snape's nose, and the other boy yelled in pain. Something hard - too hard for a fist - hit him in the eye. Seeing spots in his blurry world, James merely swung out, hoping to connect. He kneed Snivellus in the stomach, winding his opponent. Suddenly, James felt a searing pain go through his arm, Snape had hit a nerve in his wrist.

"BREAK THIS UP NOW!"

They both shot to their feet. Professor McGonagall pushed through the ring of students.

"Professor, he-"

"I don't care about your excuses. Twenty points from each Gryffindor and Slytherin, and detention to both of you. I don't care what happened, you are never to fight."

James held his head high. He could feel a stream of blood running down the side of his face, but knew that it added to the overall effect of being a rebel and leader.

"Now everyone get going!" Professor McGonagall continued. "Go back to your common rooms. Potter, come with me."

She marched up the stairs, and James followed, mocking her stride for a few steps before falling in time.

Once in her office she turned around and beckoned for him to sit.

"What happened this time, Potter?"

"He was going to hex me, so I got to him first. Then he tried to kill me, so I disarmed him. Then he dived at me, so I defended myself."

"I'm sure that's exactly what happened," she said sarcastically, but with no sigh of humour. "Potter, what do you think I should do with you?"

James pretended to consider. "Let me go, free of all charges?"

"Try again."

"Detention till I'm thirty?"

"Tempting, but no."

"I give up Professor, what are you going to do with me?"

She sighed as she sat behind her desk. "I don't know. You do realise, that with every fight you mock the bravery and justice that Gryffindor stands for? You do realise that-" she pulled out a scroll of parchment "- with four more accounts of fighting you'll be suspended? You do realise that the younger students look up to you, and that you are setting a very bad example with stunts like this?"

"Nope to the first one. I thought I still had six, oh well, to the second one. And to the third, I don't believe in role models. People should be true to themselves and not try and be like someone else."

"I'll see you in detention tomorrow night, Potter."

"Good night, Professor." James smiled to himself as he left. That had gone rather well...

*

Scanning the library, James spotted a swirl of fiery red hair in front of the window. Hoisting his bag over one shoulder, he strode over to where Lily sat.

"Hello," he said, sitting across from her.

She looked up smiling, and James heart leapt up to his throat, but when she saw who it was standing over her, her smile became a look of disapproval.

"Oh, it's you. Go away."

"That's not very nice, I only came here to finish my Transfiguration essay."

"There's an empty table right over there."

"No, I like this one better. Say Lily, d'you want to go to Hogsmeade with me on Saturday?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm dating Jake, and because I detest you."

"Come on, I'm really quite lovable."

"I highly doubt that. Go away Potter."

"You won't even give me a chance?"

"No! I don't like you, I'm dating someone else, and how can you even think that you're halfway decent when you do things like, well, what you did at lunch!"

"Harsh words for such a beautiful girl." James smiled, he loved it when she got angry.

Without a word, Lily stood up, gathered her books, and mover to another table.

"Ignoring me, are you?" he asked. "Well, I suppose that this means war then."

She remained focussed on her paper.

James merely smiled and walked out of the library. We'll see how smug she is after I beat her in every single class.

He made his way back up to the common room, planning to finish it there.

*

"What're you doing?" Sirius asked in a puzzled way, sitting down beside James a half-hour later.

"Transfiguration essay."

Sirius' eyebrows shot up and his mouth dropped down. "But - but why?"

James chose not to answer.

"Prongs? Prongs. Prongs!"

James looked up into the eyes of his best friend.

"Why are you writing an essay?" repeated Sirius.

"Because I feel like it."

Sirius processed this information for a few seconds before opening his mouth again. But, when he did, it was not directed at James. "Hey Moony!" he called across the common room. "Come and take a look at what Prong is doing!"

Remus meandered over and peered over James shoulder before giving his diagnosis. "It looks like he's working," he said.

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Constipated, my dear Watson?"

"Don't joke! Our dear friend is obviously suffering some horrible disease! Let's just hope that it's curable." Sirius faked a worried expression as James continued to scribble.

"Or contagious," Remus added with an ironic glance at Sirius.

Sirius pushed his chair back so fast he almost tipped over. "But why is he working?" he asked, once balance had been regained.

They both stared at him, as though he were some animal in a cage.

Remus paused, and James cringed inwardly, knowing what was coming. His fears were confirmed when Remus' eyes lit up.

"Lily Evans," he said knowingly.

Sirius glanced from one to the other, Remus with that annoying, all-knowing smile on his face, and James glaring.

"Want to elaborate?" he asked.

"No he doesn't," James said quickly.

"James and I overheard an interesting conversation between Lily and Kane the other night," Remus said.

"Shut up, Moony."

"And she stated-"

"How would you like to be castrated?"

"-that she wants to be the best-"

"I'd stop right now if I were you."

"-but can't until Prongs here starts working to his full potential and stops slacking off. This is just one more step in the ever-failing plan to win over Lily."

"I hate you."

"Is it true?" Sirius' eyes widened in shock and mirth.

James didn't bother to deny the story, knowing that it would only confirm Remus' speculations.

"Why Prongs," Sirius said, "she's got you essay whipped!"

"And she hasn't even gone out with you yet..."

"Pitiful, it really is." Everyone looked over at Peter, who had joined the huddle without them noticing. "Prongs, put down that quill this instant!" Peter continued. "What about the theory that too much writing is bad for you? That it cramps up your hand, resulting in bad aim in Quidditch, resulting in bad plays, resulting in not paying attention, resulting in you being unconscious in the Hospital Wing? What about that?"

"I'll just have to get over it," James said, picking his words carefully. "This isn't about making Evans like me, this is about beating Evans. If she wants me to show the world what I can do, she's going to have to pay the consequences."

"Which would be?"

"Losing her happy place at the top of the class, of course."

Sirius slapped his hand over his heart, as though in pain, and staggered exaggeratedly around the table.
"World... ending... Prongs... essay... promise... never... learn... cook." Then, with a dramatic flourish, he died, falling to the floor.

"What does not learning to cook have to do with an essay?" James asked the other two.

"Because," Sirius said, miraculously coming back to life, "being essay-whipped is bad enough, but when you're cooking to impress her, that's when you've crossed every known line."