Draco Malfoy and the Loss of Identity

The sun was shining, the flowers were blooming, and butterflies were fluttering all around the grim Malfoy mansion. Young golden haired Draco skipped around the grounds, enjoying life to its fullest extent. Life was beautiful, people were beautiful, and he loved it all.

He found a cute little bunny rabbit hopping happily next to the pond. He bent over to talk to it.

"Hello Mr. Rabbit! And how are you today?"

The cute fluffy bunny rabbit gave him a look of pure apprehension.

"I'm doing fine, too! Life is beautiful, isn't it? It is. You know, I'm so happy for everything! For the sky, for the sun, for the grass, for the flowers, for the bunnies... But I miss Hogwarts. I miss my three bestest best friends in the whole wide world: Harry, Hermione, and Ron! I've sent them so many owls over the summer but they haven't responded. Maybe they're busy. Or maybe they're on vacation. But I miss them so much! Oh, well, at least there's cute fluffy bunny rabbits like you to talk to!"

Draco made a move to pick the bunny up, but the bunny ran away in fear. Draco shrugged and skipped merrily along to the house.

Indoors, Lucius Malfoy paced the drawing room nervously. His guest would arrive at any moment now. He had made all the proper preparations. The house was in top shape, the food was prepared, as were the items he was to present to his guest. The only other person who could make him so nervous was Voldemort...

A shaky house-elf (wait, they're always shaky) stumbled his way into the drawing room.

"Master Malfoy, sir! The guest is here, sir!"

"Let him in." He gulped, his palms turned clammy and pale. They shook like the house elf. Hopefully, if everything went right, his guest would be pleased and impressed with his plans. If not, then... He shuddered to think. But he had never gone wrong with his plans. They had always impressed Voldemort, so why not him? He stood, waiting for the guest to be lead in.

Just as soon as the house elf left he returned, behind him walking a hooded figure.

"Lucius. Lucius Malfoy," said a cold voice behind the cloak.

Lucius bowed. "Lord Vetsen Lispbeger. At your service, sir."

"Mr. Malfoy, I have heard many things about you. Many great things. I hope that our work together will not disappoint."

"I have no aim for it to be such, my Lord. Please, sit down. Crobby," he barked at the house elf, "take his cloak!"

"Yes sir!" Lord Lispbeger took off his royal blue traveling cloak and handed it to Crobby, who then scampered out of the room. Lord Lespbeger was a man of medium height, with a mane of silver hair and a medium sized silver beard. He wore near circular glasses that reflected the light in a threatening way.

"Mr. Malfoy," said Lord Lispbeger as he took his seat, "tell me, what plans have you devised to help me on my mission for world domination?"

Lucius leaned over the table to retrieve a black journal with a golden belt around it.

"Here. I have it all in order. Long have a sat in my library, researching the best methods of world domination..."

The door swung open and a merry, cheery voice filled the room, singing the theme song to "The Smurfs." Lucius wheeled around.

"DRACO! Get out! GET OUT!"

"Hello father! How are you this wonderful afternoon? I'm doing marvelous. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the bees are -"

"Draco, if you do not get out now you shall be severely punished!"

"What is all the ruckus, Lucius?" demanded Lord Lipsbeger. He looked at Draco, who was wearing a wide, cheery grin on his face. "Is this your son?"

"Yes. This is Draco. I am most sorry for his behavior, he hasn't been the same since... Since... the accident!"

"Oh, father," said Draco in a cheery tone (as was typical for him), "it was not an accident. It was a blessing, a wonderful event that my best friend, Hermione Granger, took me to that changed my life forever." He looked at Lord Lispbeger. "Hello! And how are you this fine afternoon? What's your name, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I am Lord Lespbeger," he said, standing up and looking down on Draco, "and I intend on taking over the world! Your world, to be exact."

Draco cocked his head to the side in an innocent sort of way. "Excuse me, sir? Take over the world? But that's purely evil!"

Lord Lespbeger cackled. "Yes, young Draco, yes."

"Well, you can't take over the world. You simply can't. Because it's evil! And, and my best friend Harry Potter will STOP you, just like he stopped the evil Lord V... You-Know-Who!"

"Voldemort." Lucius rolled his eyes. "We've done away with that old fool. He was incompetent. Beaten by a child. Ridiculous!"

"Indeed, Lucius. But this Potter boy. He interests me. Tell me more about him."

Lucius curled his lips into a malicious smile. "Yes, yes. This Potter, he is apart of your plan for world domination, no doubt. Every diabolical scheme in the wizarding world requires some involuntary participation on the part of Mr. Potter. Sometimes, they even include his little girlfriend, Miss Granger."

Draco objected. "No! I won't let you go on with this purely evil scheme to take over the world! I won't let you endanger the lives of my best friends!" Draco leaped on the table and grabbed the journal.

"Draco! You fool! Put that down!" Lucius jumped on the table after him. "Draco! Come back here, you foolish boy!"

"Stoneulus!" A nonsense spell, yes, but it worked. With the wave of Lord Lispbeger's hand, Lucius Malfoy turned to stone.

"Oh wowee wow wow!" cried Draco. "Wandless magic! For an purely evil guy, that was pretty cool."

"Do not be so quick to be impressed, Master Malfoy," Draco blinked innocently. "For your information, my plans for world domination include you, too, not just Mr. Potter. You see, I do not originally come from the wizard world. I have observed it from afar. While it has intrigued me greatly, I have noticed a certain, shall I say, lack of challenge in it?"

"Lack of challenge? But I don't understand!"

"Master Malfoy, I had been offered a chance of wizard world domination before, but had found the prospect most unappealing. To me, your world was far too simplistic, and would most definitely set me back in my artistic evolution."

"Artistic evolution?"

"Yes," he hissed. "Artistic evolution. Long have my critics believed me unworthy, a mere hack who dealt with issues most unbecoming and unchallenging to those in my field. They purely ignored my successes, brushing them aside as minor family-friendly gear, something not to be taken seriously. I had done serious things, yes, but they ignored it, choosing to degrade me, making me look like a fool... But secretly, secretly I was plotting something more...

"In my optimistic youth did I run across a wise man by the name of Stanley Kubrick. Have you heard of him, boy?" Draco shook his head. "Of course you haven't. Fool! He was a genius. A mastermind. He showed me the way..."

"Was he an evil dark wizard?" inquired Draco.

"Of course not you moron! He was a director, and a great one at that! 2001: A Space Odyssey, A Clockwork Orange, Dr. Strangelove... All of these, classic films, far beyond my craft. In any case, he came upon a short story about a robot child named David, and plotted to turn it into a movie. To my surprise, he wanted me to direct it. We worked on the script for decades. Never was he satisfied. He was waiting out until technology could reach the point where this robot child could be played by an actual robot...

"Well, he died before he could see it on the screen. So I fulfilled his wishes and directed it. To my delight, I found that I had the power in me all along. His power. It was then that I decided to follow in his footsteps, to become dark, brooding, and psychological, daring to confuse the audiences! And thus, I turned from being a mere family friendly director into... Lord Vetsen Lisbeger!"

"And who were you before you turned into Lord Vetsen Lispbeger?"

Lord Lispbeger smiled. He waved his hand in the air, emitting the words "Vetsen Lispbeger" is silvery light. Then, he waved his hand again, and the letters rearranged themselves to... Steven Spielberg!

Draco leapt back in shock. "You mean you're...? But you CAN'T be! You just CAN'T! You're too EVIL!!!"

"Shut up you silly boy! It's not as if you should be talking. Look at you, talking to fluffy little bunny rabbits, saying that Harry Potter is your best friend. You are by far the most evil student in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, yet here you are, enjoying life and trying to make everything right in the world. But that is no matter. When I am through with you..." he cackled. "Yes. Yes I have plans for you!"

Draco dropped to his knees. "Please! Please no Mr. Spielberg - er - Lispbeger! Take pity on my poor soul! You don't know what it's like! My father is evil! He beats me every day! And every day he has evil, evil orgies every day where Death Eaters rape poor innocent Muggles and Aurors!!! And my poor mother! I don't know what to make of her! Sometimes she's emotionally unavailable, other times she's... Obviously under the Imperius Curse. Oh Mr. Lispbeger! Please don't do anything evil to me!" Draco was in tears now.

"You fool! Your crying has no effect on me!" He cackled again. "I will turn your world upside down. I will make it darker. I will make it more difficult. All until I am pleased! Now... The first thing I will do is... That Potter!"

"NO!!!"

"Yes! He will no longer be played by that foolish excuse for an actor... I shall replace him instead with one of my own heart... Haley Joel Osment!"

"NO!!! I won't let you do it! Potter is my FRIEND!" Draco pulled out his wand. "You'll have to fight me first before you harm Harry!"

"Fine. As you wish, Master Malfoy."

Lispbeger raised his hand, but before he could do anything, a loud, booming voice echoed in the drawing room.

"Stop at once, Spielberg!"

"What? How... It can't be! I thought they fired you!"

"Ha! I quit. But I'm still on as producer. You have not gotten rid of me yet!"

"That may be so... But once I take complete and total control over the world you will have no more power!"

"You're not in control of the world just yet!"

Suddenly, a big, giant American flag fell from the roof, pole and all, and hit Lispbeger hard on the head. He fell to the ground, unconscious. Draco looked simply horrified.

"Wh - What happened? Who are you?"

"Draco, I am Chris Columbus. As for now I control your world, but it will not last for long. I will be leaving you soon, and you will be under the control of a new, unfamiliar force."

"You mean... Mr. Lispbeger?"

"No. He rejected our offer. No, hopefully the newer force will be better, kinder. As for Mr. Lispbeger, his condition is serious. Draco, you must be the one to return him to his original self. You see, when he made that film, he lost a sense of himself. He lost track of his good side, what made him so loved by families. No doubt his latest efforts have been great, but they are... Too dark, and missing the magic of his past films. There is something that happened to you that can help him return to him former self. Are you up for the task?"

"I know what I must do... But I'm afraid to do it."

"I am Chris Columbus, not Peter Jackson! Will you do it or will you not?"

"I will! I will!"

Draco walked over to Lispbeger, who was now struggling to get up.

"You fool... I am not finished with you..."

"Mr. Lispbeger, sir... Last year, or at the end of last year, a beautiful, nice, friendly girl by the name of Hermione Granger forced me to watch a movie. Me, being the misguided person I was, was reluctant. I refused to sit down and watch what I thought then as inferior Muggle entertainment. But she was forcing me to watch it as a bit of revenge, punishment. She made me watch E.T. And as I watched it, a change came over me. I became, well, I don't know, more... More lighthearted. I began to see the world in ways I had never seen it before. I felt compassion in my heart. And when the movie was over, I was a changed person. You see, Mr. Lispbeger, your movies mean something to me. If it weren't for your movies, I wouldn't be the happy, content person that I am today! If it weren't for you, I'd be, well, evil!"

At this, Lipsbeger burst into tears. "You're so right, Draco! I've been a fool all these years. How could I have lost my way? How could I leave what I only knew best? Oh Draco, do you think anyone will be able to forgive me?"

"If you return to your old ways, yes, yes I think so! I forgive you!" Draco ran over to Lispbeger and gave him a big hug. When they touched, Something Happened. A great light seemed to engulf the room. Wind blew in their faces. Before they knew it, the sensation was gone. Lispbeger stood up and looked at Draco.

"Draco. Thank you. If it weren't for you, I would've been lost."

Draco looked at him with the utmost apprehension. "Who the hell are you? What is a filthy Muggle like you doing in my house? And what happened to my father? Why has he been turned into stone? Why is he on the table? Care to explain yourself, then?!"

"Oh Draco! You're back to your normal self!" Lispbeger... I should be calling him Spielberg now, shouldn't I? Ok, Spielberg made an attempt to hug Draco, but Draco leapt back.

"Don't touch me!"

"That's ok Draco. I forgive you anyway. And now I must be on my way to direct my very next family friendly movie... I think I shall make a fourth Indiana Jones movie... yes..." he walked off into the distance.

"That was odd," said Draco suspiciously.

And he walked upstairs to his room, knowing he had defeated the dark Lord Lispbeger, and prevented his world from being dominated by another force...

...or did he? (cue ominous John Williams music)

THE END.