To Have and to Want

TO HAVE AND TO WANT

Yet another detention with Snape, Harry cursed. Snape may have wanted the Dark Arts job, but he didn't become more pleasant once he got it. Quite the contrary.

But it was over, and he could finally go back and get some sleep. Or maybe...

Ginny. Dare he hope? What if she still liked him?

Harry heard a small noise. Filch! he immediately thought. And Snape would be delighted to walk by and give him another detention for curfew violation. His invisibility cloak was in his dormitory. He ran to nearby cupboard and flung the door open, hoping to hide.

He barely held back a scream. It was the second time this year he had stumbled on Ginny's snogging session. Only this time, she wasn't kissing Dean.

She was kissing Parvati Patil.

They stared at each other for several seconds, too shocked to speak.

Harry was the first to recover. "S-s-sorry," he muttered, and shut the door.

XXX

Harry didn't go to bed that night. He sat in the common room, staring into the fire.

"I think girls were invented by some dark wizard as a torture device," he muttered.

"Oh, come on," a girl's voice said from behind. "Are we really that bad?"

"Harry spun around, wand at the ready. It was Parvati.

"You!" he managed.

"Hold on, Potter," Parvati raised her voice. "I didn't do anything."

"You didn't--" And then he realized what she meant. "Padma," he said. "It was Padma."

Parvati nodded. "Well, you're one of the four people in the school who knows," she said. "I told them to be more careful."

"Why's that?" Harry demanded.

"What if it was her brother instead of you? Or a gossip-monger like Lavender? Or that Malfoy--"

"You're Lavender's best friend," Harry objected.

"True," Parvati said. "But the Patils never betray each other's secrets."

"You're lucky," Harry growled. Then it hit him. Why was he discussing this with Parvati?

"Are you jealous?" Parvati asked.

Damn. I thought Ginny and Hermione were blunt. The pain stabbed him again. Ginny...

"No point in it, is there?" he replied.

"That doesn't answer my question."

"How can you joke about something like this!" he yelled.

"I am not joking. Bottling up anger is dangerous. To you, and everyone around you."

"Who told you this--"

"Trelawney," Parvati admitted.

"Well, that means it's true, right?" he said.

"Trelawney is really nice," Parvati replied.

"Yeah, when she isn't predicting your death," Harry snorted.

Parvati sighed. "Sorry," she said. "She was really helpful to us."

"Us?"
"Me and Lavender. And her predictions were accurate for us."

"Like what?"

"Well, Lavender's rabbit, for one."

"She messed up the 'beware a red-headed man' prediction, though. She should have warned Lavender instead of you."

"Isn't Ron your best friend?"

"Isn't Lavender yours?" Harry countered. "He also happens to be a bloody idiot. And don't blame me for that, too."

"I am not. But Trelawney is worth listening to."

"Did you ever see anything in the crystal ball?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, of course. People, places... I never could tell what it meant, though."

"Oh, that's useful."

"Lavender's a true Seer. I do better with Tarot cards. We are learning that this year--"

"I'm glad I quit," he said. "Who knows what Trelawney would read for me? Oh, wait. I do. Death, danger, destruction... like I didn't know that already."

Parvati moved closer. "Take it from someone who is used to disappointment in the romance department," Parvati said. "It helps to release it on something. Last year, I went to the Room of Requirement to break things a few times."

"Break things?"

"It works for me. You might find something else. But don't keep it inside."

"Sorry about the Yule Ball," Harry blurted out without thinking.

Parvati paused. "About two years too late, but better than nothing, I guess." She smiled. "Now, you really should get some sleep. You look like a wreck."

"I feel like one," Harry admitted. "Guess you're right." He stood up. "Good night, Parvati." He headed upstairs.

"Goodnight, Harry," Parvati said quietly. "Glad I could help."

XXX

The next day, Harry sat at the edge of the lake, thinking. He didn't know what to make of Parvati's advice last night. Going to the Room of Requirement and breaking things wasn't his style. He needed something else.

"Hello, Harry," a voice from behind said.

He turned around. "Ginny!" A foolish hope that it was all a dream rose inside. He crushed it.

"Harry," Ginny sat down next to him. "That wasn't how I'd have liked you to find out."

"You wouldn't have liked me to find out at all," Harry retorted.

Ginny paused. "I'm sorry, Harry."

He flinched. Pity was not what he needed.

"I am not angry at you," he said.

"What about Padma?"

Harry wished she hadn't brought this up. But he had to be honest with her. "I don't know. I was angry at Dean--but there, I could see myself in his place. Now... doesn't seem to be any point in it."

"You're lying, Harry. You are angry."

Harry nodded. But he wasn't sure he was angry at Padma. In fact, his anger seemed to have no target at all.

"I still care about you, Harry. I even wanted to like you--"

"Ginny, stop. I know well enough that you can't make yourself like or not like someone."

"I know. But I didn't even know you liked me until Parvati told me this morning."

"And what would you do if you did? Try to pursue a relationship with me out of pity?"

Ginny stood up. "You know me better than that."

"Sorry. I'm just..."

"Angry. I understand."

"Do you?"

"Well," she said, "I know something about unrequited love, don't you think?"
"Ironic, isn't it?" Harry asked.

"I would not pursue a relationship out of pity. Especially knowing that it wouldn't work because I'm a..."

"Lesbian?"

"Harry... I hate asking you this... but do you think we're doing something wrong?"
Harry was surprised by her question. "What?"

"We've been keeping our relationship secret. You know many people think it's immoral."

"Of course I know. Wait. Your family?"

Ginny nodded. "I don't know if they'll accept it."

"I'm sorry."

"Not your fault," Ginny said. "Do you think it's immoral?"

Harry laughed. He laughed for a long time before Ginny stopped him. "What's so funny?"

Harry suppressed another laugh. He stood up and paced around her. "You know what I think is immoral? Voldemort. The Death Eaters. Umbridge. Killing innocent people. Throwing innocent people in Azkaban. Torturing someone to insanity. That's what I think is immoral." He looked at her, as if daring her to challenge him.

She didn't. "Harry, I need to ask you two things."

"Sure," he said.

"First," she breathed, "don't tell Ron or Hermione."

"I won't," Harry agreed. "But they might find out by themselves. Maybe the same way I did."

She sighed. "I know. I'm just not ready."

"All right. What's the other thing?"

"Harry... are we still friends?"

That was harder to answer. But Harry was not about to start lying to Ginny now. "I... don't know. Maybe. Right now... it hurts too much."

Ginny nodded. "I'm sure there's a special girl out there for you. I'm sorry I can't be her," she said.

"What?" Harry asked.

Ginny continued, ignoring the question. "She's very lucky, whoever she is." Then, she shocked Harry by approaching him and planting a kiss on his cheek. "Good luck in finding her," she whispered in his ear. Then she turned and headed back to the castle.

Harry watched her go.

XXX

Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, head of the Order of the Phoenix, was dead.

Harry was sitting at the funeral, listening to people speak. He was still numb from shock. Dumbledore had always emphasized to him that he trusted Snape. Always. And Harry himself saw how Snape repaid that trust.

Maybe it was a good thing Ginny never got involved with him. What could he give her, except danger? He would always wonder of the possibilities... but at this point, he was glad Ginny was off-limits... in more ways than one.

He couldn't help himself. He cared for Ginny. So, steading himself, he walked over to the back row of seats. He spotter the person he was looking for. "Padma," he said. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

The Ravenclaw looked surprised but nodded. "What is it?"

"I overheard Parvati saying she isn't coming back next year. Are you?"

"I don't know. I'd like to, and I'm of age, but my parents--"

"Try to," he said. "For Ginny."

"What? Why--"

"Listen to me carefully. I care for Ginny very much. I had hoped... well, never mind that, it's not happening. But I know some things about Ginny you don't. Ron, Hermione, and I are leaving. We might return next year, we might not... we might not return at all." Padma opened her mouth, but Harry didn't let her say anything. "Ginny is vulnerable right now. And I don't--"

"You obviously don't know her well enough," Padma said. "Ginevra isn't weak, and--"

"I didn't say she was weak. I said she was vulnerable. There is a difference. What do you know about her first year?"
Padma stood there silently, then nodded. "Enough," she finally got out.

"Then I won't say any more. She's not likely to be specifically targeted by Voldemort, the way she would if she was with me, but she's a Weasley and a sister to my best friend, and that's dangerous enough. And when her family finds out about your relationship--and they will--that'll be another cause of distress. Like I said, I still care about Ginny, and I don't want her to get hurt--physically or emotionally. Physically, I suppose Hogwarts is safer than anywhere else--though how safe that is is anyone's guess. As for her emotional well-being, I'll have to trust you with that." He turned away and headed off. "Padma," he said, stopping and turning back to the girl, "I don't like it when people betray my trust." With that, he walked back towards Ron and Hermione, hoping that the future Horcrux hunt would distract him from unhappy thoughts of the past few weeks, which, in retrospect, seemed to be an unqualified disaster--fortunately, unlike last year, none of it being his own fault.