The Looong Muggle Survey by Severus Snape

The loooong Muggle survey by Severus Snape

:::Time setting: Harry's 2^nd year:::

Life had never been kind to Severus Snape. That much was an understatement.

He was by far the bitterest person he knew. Since he had never been exactly sociable, that wasn't saying a lot. Still his students labelled him the most often sulking man alive. At that, as at most things, his reaction was to scowl. Which he was doing in this precise instant and, truth be told, spent a good deal of his time doing.

Being known for his terrible temper and incredibly low patience with those who did not know something, it made one wonder why he was a teacher at all.

Well, he did love Potions. And that didn't give him much choice in regards of profession. He did not want to be a shop clerk, for instance.

<It'd imply me having to be nice to people. At least as a Professor I can scowl and insult whomever I don't like the ways of. Which would include a surprisingly big amount of people. Plus I get to take points from Gryffindor.>

Grudges died hard with Severus Snape. He was resentful as much as he was a pessimist; both things were in his nature. That, and he was vindictive.

<If I ever get Lockhart alone...>

Severus ran a hand through his greasy hair in utter annoyance. Much to his dismay, there wasn't anything he could do about the really thick roll of parchment in his desk. He recalled Dumbledore's gleaming eyes as he had been handed the dreadful thing.

<The old bastard thought it was a good idea. A good idea, for Merlin's sake!>

The DADA teacher had arrived in the Teachers' Room with a smile plastered to his face. No news there, as far as Severus was concerned, until the blond idiot had began speaking.

<All that crap about getting to know better his work mates.>

Severus dreaded the thought of a Survey filled by himself pinned in the notice board of the Teachers' Room, made available for everyone. He hadn't, however, had a chance to fight it. Even before he could begin to look indignant the Headmaster had smiled at the idea and shot a look his way that suggested he better be quiet.

<Albus is always saying that I must work on my social skills.>

After so much time hissing and scowling and building walls around himself so that people would be afraid to even ask, Severus was not happy about having to search himself for answers. Actually he was looking grumpier than usual as he unrolled the first bit of the list.

He glowered at it for a few instants before deciding that, unlike living things, the survey wouldn't shrink away and live him alone. He was going to have to answer it...

Well, no reason he couldn't be true. His reputation as a prick was already quite solid, anyway.

1.What's your name? Severus Salazar Snape
2. Nickname? Thankfully I have no such thing. Although people do tend to refer to me as 'bastard' when they want to use only one word... All right. Potions Boy during my Hogwarts time. As a student, as a student!
3. Middle name? Sarcasm. Well, it *does* start with 'S'. *pause* Have you not read the first question? Am I going to be asked the same things again and again throughout the whole of this?!
4. Any siblings? No, thank Salazar.
5. How old are you? Old enough to be laughed at for even filling this in at all
6. When is your birthday? May 4^th
7. What's your star sign? Taurus. Stubborn to the bone or so they say. I would put it as single-minded.
8. Skin colour? Pale, to an alarmingly unhealthy level some say. I say I like my potions lab best and nobody else has anything to do with it.
9. Hair colour? Jet black. Any china doll jokes and you'll find yourself jinxed before you can snicker again. And don't you dare even start on the greasy issue.
10. Eye colour? Coal black. Differs from my hair colour, you see.
11. What's your favourite colour? Black. I hope you don't have a problem with people's monochromatic tastes. *thoughtful pause* Now, no matter what you hear around the halls, I do *not* dress like a priest.
12. Food? Considering that eating usually involves dragging myself from my seat all the way up to the Great Hall and having to face the horrid bunch that Hogwarts students and teachers alike are, I never really get to pay much attention to the taste of whatever it is that I am eating.
13. Room in the house? Potions Lab. Now you weren't expecting this, were you? *sarcastic*
14. Any special talents? I am told I am able to unnerve anyone with just one look and a couple of choice words.. I just don't know if that's so special, since the other way round is also true. *shrugs*
15. What do you want to be when you grow up? Anything but Potions Teacher
16. Your biggest dream is? Living a happy existence. *thinks* A happy day. *thinks some more* Perhaps an instant of true happiness would sound more achievable. *sighs* Who am I trying to fool anyway...
17. Preferred music style? I like instrumental Celtic music with a choir and, preferably, an organ. Yes, to go with the gothic looks and attitude. *mumbles* Like I cared...
18. What do you do in your spare time? Potions. *pauses* What?
19. What would you rather do in your spare time? Help Filch hang students by their ankles and viciously and repeatedly hit them with my whip while letting out a maniacal laughter. Wait, this is going to be read, right? So I'd stick with Potions.
20. What's your best trait? Sarcasm. Hey, *I* consider that a GOOD thing.
21. And your worst one? My nose. It arches down in an awkward way like Dante... *pauses, realising that he was actually being truthful* Oh crap.
22. Any strange habits? About everything I do is considered strange and my life consists basically of habits.
23. Would you say you're shy? I'd say I like books and Potions much better than people and that keeping to myself is an option I've made. The thing is, would you believe me?
24. Do you follow all the rules, or are you a rule breaker? I don't much care about rules unless I get to take points from Gryffindor for not following them.
25. What was your first word? Potions. *pauses* Ok, that was a joke. WHY are your eyes widening like that?!
26. How do you act when you're around someone you have a crush on? I scowl. *pauses* Yes, they are not supposed to notice. Like it could get anywhere...
27. Do you have a crush on someone at the moment? Gods no, I have unpleasant things filling up all of my time already.
28. Describe yourself using one word: Bastard is the one I hear most often...
29. Make up a story with yourself: There was this bitter Potions Master who was forced to withstand first-years time and again during too long a period. He got fed up and crudely slaughtered the whole lot of them. Of course he was thrown in Azkaban and died crazy and alone but, for a moment, he found peace. They had finally shut up...
30. If you got a tattoo, where would you get it, and what would it be? I think I'd get a snake...
31. If we had proof God didn't exist, what would happen? Nothing to me unless my Lab was accidentally stampeded by hordes of angry and disoriented people.
32. Can you do a cartwheel? Of course. Severus Snape is known world-wide for his skills as an acrobat. *mumbles* Honestly...
33. What are your thoughts on homosexuality? Taking in consideration how sadly inactive my sex life has been of late, I'd say my standards are nowhere near what they used to be
34. Virginity? Should I think about this at all?

Quick, what would you do if...?

35. I punched you? 50 points from Gryffindor. Oh wait. I'd hex you.
36. There was a naked man in your living room? I don't have a living room; I reside within school quarters. But I'll assume that was an hypothetical question. I'd shove him out, of course. And 20 points from Gryffindor for the prank.
37. You were on a nude beach? Scowl menacingly to discourage comments of any sort while I searched for cover.
38. You were on a desert island? Given that it is hard enough to drag me upstairs for a meal or meeting, let alone a "healthy walk around the lake", I'd say I would never set foot on a desert island.

Do you...

39. Believe in God? I'm too much of a true Slytherin, thus too much into power and control, to be comfortable with the thought of anyone withholding all of it.
40. Smoke? No. I am supposed to be a good example for the children. 40 points from Gryffindor for snickering.
41. Snore? I have been called walking corpse by my roommates due to my disturbing lack of sounds to move around or even breathe. So I guess I don't.
42. Drool in your sleep? Of course I don't. More often than not I sleep on top of parchments, can you imagine if I returned a student essay with this big sticky stain on it?
43. Sleep with socks on? Like I said before, I usually fall asleep while working. Thus, fully clothed.
44. Talk to yourself? Please. I seldom talk to OTHERS.
45. Enjoy being naked? I wear long-sleeved, high-collar robes that swirl around my feet as I walk. Besides, do you have any idea of how little troubled students care about the word 'privacy'?
46. Keep a journal? What for, a detailed, chronological list of my mishaps?
47. Play any musical instruments? My deft fingers are dedicated to Potions preparing alone.
48. Like to dance? I am the personification of grace and inter-social skills. *rolls eyes*
49. Talk on the phone a lot? I don't have many friends, and none of these are Muggles. I don't talk a lot. And I do not like Muggle devices of any sort.
50. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Would I be in this school, filling this bloody thing in if I had something remotely resembling a normal life?!
51. A best friend? I have a best enemy, does that count?
52. Kiss on your first date? I can't remember the last digit of the date of my last date. Make that two digits.
53. Have a crush on someone? I have someone I wish to crush. Many people, actually.
54. Eat with your mouth open? We've gone through the eating issue already now haven't we?

Are you...

55. A virgin? I have been through graduation
56. Left or right handed? Right-handed.
57. A morning person? It's hard to tell day from night in the dungeons, and I've been here for years. But I suppose I'm not.
58. Organised? Of course. Neatness is essential in Potions-preparing.
59. Superstitious? There's enough to worry about in my life; no need to find myself more rubbish
60. Tired? Of life. And bitterness. And, above all, putting up with first-years. That is true damnation.
61. Lonely? Have you not been reading the previous 60 questions?
62. Happy? Yeah, lop-sized grin permanently on my lips. *rolls eyes* Please. Happy Severus Snape is an oxymoron.
63. Talking to someone online? Yay for Muggle question. At least I can skip these.

Have you ever...

64. Been kissed? I am not *that* pitiful.
65. Done drugs? I've done Potions, and few times at that.
66.Eaten an entire box of Oreos? No.
67. Been on stage? I believe giving classes is quite similar to that, only that your audience isn't more interested in what you have to say than in the current state of your hair. That, and you get to tell people to leave if they're bothering you. And take points from Gryffindor. *rubs hands obsessively*
68. Dumped someone else? I am sick of talking about my love-life. Is it of such great importance to my working colleagues?
69. Been dumped by someone? See what I mean above?
70. Been in a car accident? Yet another Muggle question.
71. Been in love? Love makes you ache. And I've already got enough of that as it is.

Within the last 24 hours, have you...

72. Helped someone? I helped my House win the House Cup by deducting a total of 73 points from Gryffindor, not to mention the other Houses.
73. Bought something? Yes. The catalogue of Potions Weekly was owled to me yesterday; I got a new pewter cauldron and some more items.
74. Gotten sick? Yes, I had double-classes with those pesky Hufflepuff 6^th years. Oh, you meant ill? Of course not. I've got students to torment.
75. Gone to the movies? Only three Muggle questions so far? Why is this entitled the 'Looong MUGGLE Survey'?
76. Gone out for dinner? It depends on your concepts. To me, anywhere but the Slytherin domains, a.k.a. Hogwarts dungeons, is out. So I guess yes I did.
77. Said "I love you"? While standing on one knee in front of Sirius Black. *rolls eyes*
78. Written a real letter? Yes, to Lee Jordan's parents. The lousy little Gryffindor got his tarantula to crawl all the way into the hair of Veronica, a Slytherin. He got a two-week dentention and hopefully Mrs. Jordan will be as wise as Mrs. Weasley and send her son a Howler. These are the small moments that make it all worthwhile: the teaching, the berating of Gryffindors, the long climb to the Great Hall to have breakfast. *sighs happily*
79. Cried? No, but I so wanted to when Potter and Weasley gave me a double-scowl for berating their bushy-haired friend. *rolls eyes*
80. Talked to an ex? I don't talk much, neither do I talk to many people. My ex-es stand as a small number.
81. Missed an ex? Not for the love of me.
82. Talked to an old friend? Not exactly talk; I owled Lucius Malfoy about matters concerning his son and the advanced courses Draco is intending to take next year.
83. Had a fight with someone? Don't I always?
84. Had a serious talk? All my talks are serious
85. Missed someone? No.
86. Hugged someone? No, but tonight I'm intent on giving Gilderoy Lockhart a bear hug. With a dagger on my hidden hand.

87. What time is it? The time I should have been finishing correcting a pile of student essays. Truthfully, I can't tell which activity would have made my time seem less well-spent.

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This wasn't as good as the others... Sev blatantly refuses to talk to me. But perhaps it was worth the try?