All Those Weird Ron Quotes

Tap-Dancing

"Spiders! Spiders, they want me to tap-dance! I don't want to tap-dance!"

~Ron Weasley, Prisoner of Azkaban Movie

~

Now this is a part of Hogwarts that I have never seen before, maybe Harry has it on that Marauder's Map of his - that thing's pretty wicked. I wonder who those gents are that made it - Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, they must have been even more mischievous than Fred and George because the twins learned nearly everything about the school from those four Marauders. But the names sound faintly familiar, as if some inner voice is telling me who they are, but I can't grasp it at the moment. Wait a moment, what if. . . .

I gasp and my heart skips a beat as I spy a framed picture on the wall. It shows two spiders on a web, crawling around and eating flies that have been ensnared in the sticky threads of their webs. But it's only a picture, that's all . . . just a picture . . . only a picture. . . but who the bloody hell would hang a picture like that up in the school? Peeves probably put it in as a joke, I think. He's heard enough bouncing around the school to know I'm afraid of spiders and must have lured me this way with his sing-song voice - I should know enough about hinkypunks by now to avoid that type of thing, though. Ah, well, no one's perfect, but the funny thing is I can't remember heading this way.

However, I decide to keep going, for suppose that this place isn't on the Marauder's Map and I think of what Harry will say when I rub it in his face about what I found. Then, maybe we can find a way to add it to the Marauder's Map and rename it Harry and Ron's map, because those Marauders didn't really find out everything about the school, it's us, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley (but mostly the latter) that found out absolutely everything. In fact, I wonder what Fred and George will say when they realize that their little brother isn't following in the footsteps of the arrogant prat, Percy, but is instead following the "Fred and George route," as Percy would probably explain it or the "Fred and George path that you have to swerve on to avoid heavy and/or prank-playing objects that they've placed in the aforementioned path." Basically they'd think that I, Ron Weasley, wasn't a total loss after all and that I'm important (even if it is in the mischief-making sense - which to me is the most important sense of all), which is something I've always strived for, after being the youngest brother in the Weasley clan.

I allow these happy thoughts to carry me to a pair of double-doors, much like the ones that lead into the Great Hall, except these ones have a design of spiders emblazoned across the lintel and the sides. I gulp and think of all the glory I will achieve by finding this secret area of the school, then push open the doors and what I see makes my blood turn to ice and I literally begin to shake.

For there, in the middle of the hall, there is a huge throne inlaid with rubies, sapphires, and emeralds, and emblazoned with the spider pattern I saw on the double-doors that led into this room of horrors. However, the throne is not what scares me (who would be scared of a throne, anyway? Would they be a throneaphobic? Or could it be on a symbolic level that they are scared of attention? That would be Harry all around). Ah, well, I'm much too lazy to analyze throneaphobia right now, for it is what is on the throne that scares me. There is giant spider, as big as Aragog with a glittering jewel and spider-emblazoned crown perched on his head. However, this spider is not as old as Aragog; in fact, he looks as if he's in his prime (I'm guessing it's a he, because it doesn't have nice legs like Mosag . . . ah, why am I thinking like this?!). This simply adds to my fear for a giant spider in its prime (or a giant anything in its prime, for that matter), is not good, because it means that it can run faster, catch you faster, and bite your head off faster (though then it might hurt less).

I'm willing to bet my broomstick (though it wouldn't be worth much), that this is another one of Hagrid's 'pets,' that he put in the school to guard a Sorcerer's Stone or something of the like for Dumbledore. Who knows, maybe behind that throne there's a Spider's Stone that grants you immortality. But I'll leave that to Harry, he's the hero who's supposed to impress everyone and marry Hermione after all . . . not that I care, Hermione's just a friend, a good friend. But I'll think about my feelings for Hermione (not that I have any), once I'm safely back in the common room and I turn - very quickly - to leave.

However, lady luck is not with me today (in fact, it never seems to be with me when it comes to spiders) and the massive beast claps its two forelegs together. "The entertainer is here!" it calls and, almost immediately, spiders appear from every nook and cranny, crawling out on their tremendous eight legs (ugh!) or swinging down like acrobats on their silken spinnerets. I am only able to let out a frightened squeak as all these spiders stare raptly at me with their bulbous eyes. What do they want me to entertain? Their taste buds? Do spiders have taste buds? I definitely don't want to find out. Or perhaps they would think it good sport if they all attacked me at once and tore me apart, seeing which of them could get the most succulent parts. At these thoughts, I feel myself become paralyzed with fear (you know, the Full Body-Bind), as I was with Mosag, except I doubt that these kind will be as friendly.

The lead spider seems to have think he has waited long enough for he clacks his pincers together angrily and I start. "Well, what are you waiting for? Entertain us!" he orders.

They aren't going to eat me? My heart leaps but quickly plummets again as one of the lower-ranking spiders snaps, "Are you a tap-dancer or not? Our king, Wilkalian, has ordered a tap-dancer, and a tap-dancer he shall have!" Tap-dancing? They wanted me to tap-dance?! I had never danced a step in my life, I had two left feet, didn't these creatures realize that? No, I suppose not.

However, I try not to panic. Instead I ask myself what Hermione would do in this situation. I know what she would do: do some complicated spell on the spiders that I've never heard of in my life (and probably never will hear of), and then run out the door before any of them can realize what happened. But I can't do that, so I decide to do the only thing possible in this situation: tap-dance. "Um . . . of course, I can," I lie, stalling for time as I try and come up with a plausible excuse. Besides, the longer I stall, the longer I stay alive. "I am a famous tap-dancer from . . . Swaziland, which is renowned for it's tap-dancers, you know, so you are in for a real treat, Your Majesty," I say, trying to still the quivering of my hands and hoping that the spiders can't hear my heart thumping as loud as a drum in my chest.

There is a collective murmur among the spiders and I can tell that I have never heard of Swaziland, and, to tell the truth, neither have I, I just thought the name sounded cool. Hermione probably has, though, and maybe she's mentioned it in passing. I decide to ask her . . . that is, if I get out of this alive, and to do that, I must tap-dance. I look down at my feet, trying to think of how to calm my knocking knees and notice that I have on a pair of shiny, black shoes - tap-dancing shoes? Where the hell did I get those? Ah, well, at least I have something new rather than those hand-me-downs that I get from everyone (even Scabbers - a living hand-me-down - is getting worse), so I decide to enjoy something new while I can and this puts a bit of life into me.

With that, I begin to dance as well as I can. The spiders' eyes follow me and I wipe a sheen of sweat off my forehead. I hear the loud clacking noises that my shoes are making, I've never really understood the point of tap-dancing myself, but it seems to entertain the spiders for they are clapping their forelegs together very slightly and I grin very slightly - I will live! I kick out with my right foot, and, much like Neville, I trip over it landing and hitting my head - hard- on the wooden floor. There is a collective murmur from the spiders and they narrow their eyes, obviously not believing that I am 'a famous tap-dancer from Swaziland,' now, because a famous tap-dancer would not trip over his/her feet. The last thing I remember seeing is the spiders advancing on me before I lose consciousness.

"Spiders! Spiders, they want me to tap-dance! I don't want to tap-dance!" I gasp as I regain consciousness, hoping to stir the heart of some kind-hearted female spider and have her take pity on me and let me out of this horrible nightmare that I seem to have landed myself in.

"Tell those spiders, Ron," says a voice right near me. How does this spider (it sounds male), know my name?

However, I am losing consciousness again am about to sink back, so I simply murmur, "Alright, I'll tell them, I'll tell them. . . ." and . . . fall back to sleep? This is a dream? I could have escaped from this horror by just staying awake? Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it! I am so immersed in mentally berating myself that I don't notice myself coming back to the dream-world once more and the spiders crawling toward me. I hop up, not sure what I have to do, but knowing that I can't die in this dream-world and willing to try anything to get out of this nightmare (which I now realize it actually is).

Therefore, I hop up, willing to follow the person's directions (could it have been Harry?) and say, "Spiders, spiders, and King Wilkalian, lend me your ears! I do not know how to tap-dance!" I don't know what I'm doing, maybe I had planned a more elaborate delivery and could have stalled for time, but the lines sounded alright in my head.

After this declaration of sorts, the spiders all stare at me and Wilkalian finally says, "Well, you are of no further use to us, then. My children have been very hungry for a while, anyway." I decide that this must be one of Aragog's 'children.' The spiders nod, their pincers clacking angrily (and is it hungrily?) and they start toward me, already beginning to unravel threads from their spinnerets. Even if I can't actually be killed in this dream-world, it can still be very uncomfortable.

"But, wait!" I cry. "I may not be able to tap-dance, but I can do something better."

"What?" one of the lower-ranking spiders asks.

I allow there to be a dramatic pause, I should make the full effect on these creatures if I am to avoid being eaten, after all. "I can break dance," I say.

"What?" the same spider repeats, scratching its head with a foreleg and looking confused. All of the other spiders echo it, even Wilkalian.

"It's a type of dancing that is popular these days," I explain. "With humans, that is and um . . . Romania, is famous for it's break dancers, because I'm actually from Romania."

"It is?" Wilkalian asks.

"Yes, of course," I say in a tone very like Hermione. The spiders look cowed by this and I decide to thank her afterward. And, although I've never even break danced before (or done any type of dance before, as I have mentioned), I try this as my last chance. I immediately begin to move my body grotesquely, spinning around on the ground and twitching at strange intervals. Dad's told me about this curse called the Cruciatus Curse and how it causes the person it is cast on great pain. I imagine that my attempt at break-dancing looks somewhat like the effects of a Cruciatus Curse, but that's only a guess.

However, if the spiders knew that I was making this up as I went along, they didn't show it. Instead, they gathered in a circle around my twitching and pulsing body and began clapping in rhythm, saying, "Go, go, go. . . ." Even King Wilkalian got off his throne and joined the throng, clapping along with his subjects. Finally, I finish, wiping a sheen of sweat off my face and I stand up. The spiders burst into applause, whistling (can a spider whistle?) and cheering. I raise a hand to hold off their enthusiastic applause, but they will not be stopped, they continue to clap until Wilkalian comes up to me. My blood feels as if it's turned to ice again, but he actually seems to grin (can a spider grin, too?) and he asks, "What is your name, human?"

"R-Ron," I manage to stutter and the spider nods.

"Well, R-Ron from Romania. I offer you my crown," he says, taking his crown off his head with one of his legs and placing it on the floor. I'm glad he didn't have me hold it, I probably would have collapsed from the sheer weight of it, that is if I'd been able to hold such a large thing.

"Um . . . thanks," I say. "But I don't need it. I have, um . . . many other trophies for break dancing and would not to, er . . . scratch this wonderful crown with all the clutter." However, it may have sold for a reasonable price, though I don't think I would have been able to bring a dream object back.

"Alright," says Wilkalian all too easily, placing the crown back on his head. Is it tradition among these creatures to give up their crown to a superior? I'll look it up . . . no, now I'm sounding like Hermione! With that, I walk out the double doors and, instead of the hallway with the spider pictures, there is a spinning black darkness and I fall through it, screaming and rolling in the wind as if in a hurricane or a tornado.

A flash of memories passes me, me falling off Charlie's broom in my attempt to fly it when I was five years old and the twins laughing at me, me sitting with Harry on the Hogwarts Express and trying a marshmallow-flavored bean, me kissing Hermione . . . wait, what's that? I go to inspect closer but am swept away by another wind. I didn't know that this dream-world showed the future, and, if it does, I would bet it would be more reliable than Trelawney any day. But if so, how far is it in the future? Not that I care. Harry would probably kill me if he saw me kissing Hermione, anyway. But . . . there the picture is again! I battle through the wind toward it, and just as I'm getting close enough to see us, I am swept away again and there is someone shaking my shoulder. "Ron? Ron, mate, are you alright?" I look up into Harry's emerald-green eyes, framed behind his circular spectacles.

"Hey, Harry," I say, sitting up and groaning as the room starts spinning.

"Ron, what happened?"

"What do you mean, 'what happened?'" I ask, disoriented.

"Well, you were twitching around when I got in. What happened?"

I am too disoriented to think about Harry's first statement. Instead I say, "Oh, I was break dancing for the spiders since I couldn't tap dance."

Harry looks at me, as if fearful for my sanity, then says, "Oh, alright then," and climbs into bed, pulling the curtains around him.

"It was only a dream!" I call after him, trying to convince him that I am perfectly sane (and sober, if that's what he thinks).

"I know. Just a dream," Harry murmurs and next second drifts off and is fast asleep. I sigh and pull the covers around my bed from when Harry pulled them back and allow myself to drift off with dreams of myself as a world famous Keeper for the Chudley Cannons and a break dancer from Romania.