There Is No Such Place

Summary: Severus Snape is a nasty, nasty boy, and Lily's forgiveness is stretched to the limits, especially after she overhears a vicious conversation between Snape and Marguerite.

See chapter 1 for disclaimers etc. Some author's notes and credits at the bottom. A little more swearing than usual in this chapter. Still nothing approaching my high school experience, but possibly enough to knock this up to an R. Or not. I'm not good with ratings.

They didn't see much of each other over the next few weeks. Their workloads were heavy, and Lily had added a couple of hours to her already-intense study routine. She was having nightmares regularly now, waking in a panic two or three nights a week after dreams about drowning, or falling from the Astronomy Tower while James or Severus watched and did nothing.

When they were together, it was never in private. Severus seemed like a different person in classes and prefects' meetings; he was more sarcastic and vindictive than ever.

Twice, even the unflappable Frank Longbottom lost his temper. The first time, he abruptly exploded in the middle of a meeting.

"And if we can keep the fourth year Hufflepuffs under control a bit more," he was saying, "I know it's a pretty crazy group this year, but their behaviour's becoming absurd, and--" He paused, glancing at Snape. Severus was watching him as usual, his eyes hooded and his expression unreadable and unpleasant. Frank looked back at his notes and swallowed.

"Problems, Longbottom?" asked Wilson.

"No."

"Well then..."

"Wait," said Frank. "I do have a problem -- him." He pointed at Severus, who opened his eyes in an unconvincing display of innocence.

"Me, Longbottom?"

"What the hell is wrong with you anyway, Snape?"

Everyone stared; nothing had prepared them for this. As far as Lily could remember, Frank had never lost his temper before.

"Uh, Frank--" James began.

"Shut up, James," said Frank roughly. "This has nothing to do with you." He returned his attention to Severus. "So? What's your problem?"

Snape smiled slightly. "I wasn't aware that I'd done anything."

"No, you never do anything. You just ... you just fucking sit there. Watching me." Frank threw himself back into his seat. A few people were exchanging worried glances.

"If you're finding this job stressful," said Marguerite, "perhaps you should hand in your badge, rather than victimise other students..."

Frank glared at her. Then, slowly, he relaxed.

"Dreadfully sorry," he said with a forced smile. "Don't know what came over me ... NEWTs, you know..."

Severus just watched him, a hint of a smile playing around his mouth.

The second time, Frank had the sense to speak to Snape alone, after a meeting. Lily and James waited outside with Frank's girlfriend, plump, pretty Nancy McIntyre. A few feet away, the Slytherin prefects also lingered.

"I hope Frank's okay," Nancy said. "Snape disturbs him so much -- he's even been talking in his sleep--" She broke off, blushing fiercely. Lily and James grinned at each other.

"Dumbledore will hear about this," Marguerite hissed at them. "It's victimisation of Slytherins. It's--"

"I am already aware of this situation, Miss Da Silva," said Dumbledore. No one had heard him approach, yet he was standing in the middle of the corridor, Professors Spawforth and McGonagall at his side.

"Return to your dormitories," Spawforth instructed the Slytherins. "This is none of your concern."

"But--"

Very softly, Spawforth said, "Five points from Slytherin, Tallisker. Now go."

"You too," said McGonagall to the Gryffindors. "We'll take care of this."

Lily wanted to tell her to go easy on Severus, but she just walked away with her friends.

Back in the common room, Peter, Remus and Sirius were clustered around a large parchment. Remus was slowly, carefully copying a map of Hogwarts. They all looked up as Lily, James and Nancy entered.

"What on earth are you doing?" asked Nancy.

"Oh, nothing," said Sirius easily. "Just fooling around. You guys are back early. Where's Frank?"

Nancy joined a couple of friends while James explained about the brewing argument, and Dumbledore's interruption.

"Wow," said Peter. "Do you think Snape'll be expelled?"

"Nah, they can't expel you just for being a git," said James. "But Snape's definitely been acting weird over the last couple of months."

"Maybe he drank the wrong Potion," said Remus with a small smile. Lily couldn't help but notice that he had managed to put a small pile of books on top of the parchment, obscuring her view of the half-drawn map.

"So what's the right Potion, then?" demanded Peter. "Hey, Lily, is there a Potion that gives you a better personality?"

"Not that I know of."

"Well, there's a summer project for you, then," said James. "A Perfect Personality Potion."

"We can test it on Sirius," proposed Remus.

"Aw, c'mon, how come I have to be the lab rat when we have Wormtail right here?"

"Hey!" cried Peter.

Lily was on the verge of asking about their nicknames, when Frank entered the common room, looking sober. Nancy immediately wrapped her arms around him. Lily wished that she could do the same for Severus, especially after Frank said, "Slimy little bastard."

"Frank!" scolded Nancy.

"Well, it's true. Not literally, I mean, but ... well, there he was, smooth as you like. 'I just don't feel comfortable with Longbottom's leadership style, Professor McGonagall. You know how it is when two people simply can't get along...' Little twerp. And McGonagall and Spawforth were glaring at each other like a cat and dog, so of course she sided with the poor little Slytherin." Frank sank into a chair and put his head in his hands.

"I really didn't mean to lose my temper with him," he said. "I don't know what came over me -- I really wanted to get at least one Slytherin prefect on side, and I knew that our families have had their differences, but I thought--" He shook his head. "How long can one kid hold a grudge, anyway?"

"So what's happening?" James asked.

"Nothing. Severus can stay a prefect, although Dumbledore was still talking to him when I left, and I can stay Head Boy." Frank shrugged. "We'll just ignore each other until summer, I guess."

"There's nothing--?"

"Nancy, I don't even want to deal with Snape. I'll be polite to the brat, but nothing more." He glanced at James. "Same goes for you, okay?"

"Oh, I'm always polite--"

"Don't give me that crap, James," Frank said. He massaged his temples. "Honestly, you two are like my uncles. In their fifties, and still arguing like kids. 'Ma, look what Algie made me do!' 'He started it!' 'Did not!' 'Did too!' Only you lot are even worse than my family, and I used to think they were the weirdest people on the planet."

Lily and James left Frank to tell Longbottom stories to Nancy. James went to play exploding snap with the boys, and Lily went up to her dorm to study.

***

Lily woke up early, one cool morning late in February. She slipped out of bed silently, and quickly bathed in the prefect's bathroom.

Her footsteps seemed dreadfully loud as she made her way to the library; somehow, creeping around at dawn was more terrifying than in the middle of the night. She could feel the Grey Lady's eyes on her as she entered the library. The watery light made the enormous rooms seem eerie and forbidding.

Technically, the prefects had free access to the Restricted Section, but Lily suspected that Madam Pince would strongly disapprove of her early-morning explorations. But she'd looked everywhere else for information on the Unnatural Bargains, deals with non-human creatures in which supernatural powers were exchanged for something precious and intrinsic to the desperate witch or wizard. Souls, for example. The essay was due in a week, and there was a lot of competition for resources. Professor Spawforth had hinted that they were supposed to use their ingenuity.

She found half a dozen books on the subject, and found a concealed table near the back of the library. She'd been working steadily for twenty minutes when she heard the outer doors open, and footsteps made their way towards the Restricted Section.

Lily froze, then relaxed when she recognised Snape's features. She was about to call out to him when the doors opened again. Severus must have had a better view of the entrance than she did, for he froze, then relaxed.

"You almost gave me a heart attack, Marguerite," he said softly.

She raised her wand. "I still could, you know."

"What a thrilling feeling that must be."

"Power of life and death? I rather like it." Her voice was positively playful. Lily had never heard her sound this cheerful. Usually, she was aristocratic and supercilious. "I have this daydream, where Dumbledore stands up to make one of his speeches ... he opens his mouth ... he grabs his chest ... he collapses ... right into a tureen of pea soup."

"Pea soup?"

"What, you prefer pumpkin?" She frowned. "Or maybe you just don’t like the idea of Dumbledore dying..."

"Marguerite..."

"Severus..." She mimicked his tone. "God, you're such a sycophant. It's disgusting. You could be so much more."

"What, a thug for Voldemort?"

"You could be a powerful wizard, Sev. They handicap us at this school. We're half-educated."

Very softly, he said, "I know."

"Do you? You're awfully evasive, you know. I can't figure out what you're thinking any more."

"Gosh, what a pity."

She swatted him playfully. "I thought we were friends."

"We are. Unless you want that to change..."

"No. I don't. I love Tobias, I love him madly, but he's -- we don't talk, Sev."

Dryly he said, "I didn't think that you were interested in talking to him, Marguerite."

She laughed. "I'm not. That's what I have you for. Except that you're keeping things from me."

"I'm--"

"Is it Dumbledore? What did he say to you after that meeting? You looked so serious..."

"It's not that."

"Then what? Is it a girl? A boy?" She laughed. "If I didn't know you better, I'd say you were screwing Lily Evans."

He snorted. "Hardly."

"Well, it was just a thought. Personally, I think it'd be funny -- Potter's pet virgin being fucked by a Slytherin--" She broke off suddenly.

"Being fucked by a Slytherin gargoyle, Marguerite?" Severus said softly.

"You -- you know that's not what I meant."

"No. But you almost said it." Severus sighed. "I'm not screwing Evans."

"I know that." Marguerite tilted her head, smiling at something Lily couldn't see. "Still, if you *are* still on speaking terms, after your abortive Christmas project--"

"No. I'm not wasting my time playing mind games with Mudbloods."

"Suit yourself."

"Of course," Severus' tone was almost playful, "I reserve the right to change my mind."

Lily shivered, hoping that Severus was just preparing a defence to use if their relationship were discovered.

"Oh, do!" cried Marguerite. "We'd all have a laugh ... and you need something, Sev, you're so serious these days. Although you did a fantastic job on Longbottom."

"I was disappointed. He cracked too soon."

"I know. I'd expected better from him. Still, you could always make it more interesting."

Severus looked intrigued. "What are you thinking?"

"Next time you want to get a reaction out of old Frank, you should turn your attentions to his fat little girlfriend."

"Will he care? It's no fun torturing someone who doesn't give a damn about the pain."

"He'll care. Trust me."

"All right," said Severus. "I accept your challenge."

Marguerite laughed. "Wonderful. I must say, I was rather surprised when you said you were going for Longbottom, but it's worked out beautifully. When he started screaming at you ... oh, it was lovely! I put the memory in my Penseive so I could watched it again."

"It was well executed, wasn't it?" said Severus, with a bit of pride.

Marguerite turned serious. "I was worried, I'll freely admit it. You've been so odd lately, Sev. Distant and moody ... well, moodier than usual. And you keep getting into fights -- it's like you have a death wish or something."

"I just have a lot to deal with, is all," Severus said softly.

"House politics?"

"House politics."

Marguerite touched his cheek, forcing him to look at her. From her corner, Lily could see the two of them in profile: a classical beauty and a gaunt, odd-looking boy, who was, in his way, just as beautiful as Marguerite.

"Am I the problem, Severus?" Marguerite whispered.

"I -- you--"

Marguerite smiled slightly. "It is, isn't it?" She kissed him on the lips, very lightly. Lily felt a rush of anger. "Oh, love, I'm sorry. I know it's a hard decision ... I was raised for it, I forget what it's like for other people."

"I don't believe the way you do, Marguerite. I don't really believe in anything, except knowledge."

"He offers knowledge, Severus." Marguerite took his hand. "He offers a lot more than that."

"I don't know."

"You don't have to know right away. When you're ready." Marguerite smiled at Severus and walked away.

"Yeah," said Severus softly. "When I'm ready."

He turned and began to walk away, but turned suddenly and punched the wall. His fist left an indentation in the plaster, which healed itself as he stormed out of the library.

Lily checked her watch; it was almost breakfast time. She quickly packed her books away, trying not to think about the conversation she'd overheard. She had the horrible suspicion that Severus wasn't thinking of becoming a Christian, and she was glad now that she'd forgotten to suggest her Crowley-as-Death-Eater idea.

"I don't really believe in anything," he'd told Marguerite, and she remembered a sunny day in the music room, and his whisper in her ear: "You can almost make me believe in things..."

Lily shivered as she went to have breakfast.

Later that day, she watched Severus and Marguerite as they took their seats for Defence Against the Dark Arts. Neither of them gave her a second glance, but she saw Severus watching Remus. The look on his face reminded her of Frank and the prefects meetings, and she wondered if Severus was working his way through the most reasonable, sensible students in the school, systematically driving them crazy.

With the OWLs looming, the class was concentrating on revising the last five years' work. It was tedious in the extreme, and out of the corner of her eye, Lily could see James passing a piece of parchment to Sirius.

"Mister Potter."

Evidently, Professor Spawforth had seen it, too.

"Professor?"

"Perhaps you'd like to share the contents of that parchment with the class?"

"Um..." James was a terrible liar, Lily decided; his ears went bright red, and his fundamental inability to actually say something untrue meant that he just stuttered and stumbled a lot. It was endearing, in a way, but she suspected that Spawforth wouldn't see the charm.

"I am referring, Mr Potter, to the parchment which Mr Black is currently attempting to conceal in his sleeve. Yes, Black, that parchment."

"This parchment, sir? This is just my Charms homework."

Sirius was a much better liar than James.

"Really. Accio parchment!"

James and Sirius both slumped in their seats as Spawforth unfolded the note. His thin mouth twitched as he read it.

"While I commend your attention to detail, Mr Potter, I must insist that you refrain from comparing your classmates--" his eyes swept carelessly over the Slytherins -- "to Dark creatures. No matter how obvious--" He looked at Rosier, who really did look like a troll, "the connection may seem."

There were a few titters from the Gryffindors. Rosier took advantage of Spawforth's momentary distraction to make an obscene gesture in James' direction.

"Well, Mr Potter," Spawforth continued. "Since you evidently pride yourself on your knowledge of Dark creatures, perhaps you could share some information with the class."

"Sir?"

Spawforth leaned against his desk, smiling slightly. "Tell us about Kappas, Mr Potter."

"Well--"

"Stand up, Potter. Make it a performance, since you so relish having an audience."

James stood up, pushing his chair in and standing behind it. He pushed his messy hair out of his eyes, cleared his throat and straightened his back. "The Kappa is a water-demon native to Japan--"

Severus put his hand up. Lily saw James give him an uncharacteristically grateful look as he said, "Sir. An article published two months ago suggests that Kappas are more common to Mongolia."

Remus turned in his seat, looking interested. "That was the Li paper, wasn't it? That was pretty interesting, but I think their survey techniques were wrong."

Severus gave Remus a disdainful look. "I had no issues with the survey."

"I just thought--"

"Lupin, where the fuck did you get the idea that I cared what you thought?"

The class gasped. There was no reason for Severus to be so rude; Remus had been interested and polite. Peter stood up to yell at Snape, and even James looked as though he'd like to share a few choice insults.

In the end, Spawforth had to levitate a large model of a Red Cap and smash it on the floor to get the class to settle down. Lily jumped as shards of pottery flew across the floor. Spawforth knew his stuff, but he had none of Professor McGonagall's natural command; he had to work far too hard to control his students.

"Reparo," he said carelessly. "Everyone. Sit down and be quiet. Lupin, Snape, Potter, I want a two scroll essay on the Li paper from each of you to be on my desk by Friday morning." He walked over to Snape's desk, leaning over the boy. He spoke softly, but his voice carried across the whole classroom. "May I suggest, Mr Snape, that it would not be wise for a young man such as yourself to display such an interest and -- prodigious -- knowledge about the Dark Arts?"

Snape leaned back in his chair, looking up at the teacher. In an equally soft, equally audible voice, he said, "What would you have me do, Professor? Sirius Black seems to have cornered the market on drooling idiocy..."

Sirius jumped up from his chair. "That's it, you little fuck!" he yelled.

James and Peter had also stood up, and the next thing Lily knew, Rosier had punched Sirius in the nose, and there was an all-out brawl in the classroom. She sat behind her desk, feeling oddly detached from the violence. She was vaguely aware of Geraldine, Mary, Narcissa and Florence shrieking and running towards the back of the classroom.

Avery had James pinned down over a desk and was punching him in the gut. Rosier and Sirius were wrestling on the floor. Blood was pouring from Sirius' nose. Lestrange had petrified Remus before punching him repeatedly around the torso, and was now hexing Peter with Marguerite. Peter was looking increasingly sick; Lily realised that they were interfering with his inner ear, making him dizzy. Marguerite watched him as he grabbed the desk for support, a small smile playing around her mouth.

Lily shook her head and forced herself to stand up, pulling out her wand and hitting Marguerite with the first hex she could think of.

Marguerite hadn't expected her attack, and Lily was rewarded with an outraged shriek as the Slytherin girl's outer robes turned into a woven mesh of Devil's Snare. The plant wrapped itself around Marguerite's body while Lily pulled Peter away and released Remus from the Full Body Bind. Then Lestrange used a Repelling Charm to hurl her across the room, and she ended up sprawled across a desk, sore and annoyed that she hadn't seen it coming.

Sitting up and making sure that her robes weren't up around her waist, Lily made eye contact with Severus. He was still sitting behind his desk, looking amused as Spawforth shouted for order. He met her gaze and gave her a smile and nod. He looked, Lily thought, like the director of a play acknowledging his audience.

Lily looked away.

It took Spawforth a good ten minutes to put the Full Body Bind on the brawling students. He spent another fifteen minutes shouting at them, before releasing them to the hospital wing. Severus was ordered to remain.

The class made their way out in silence, leaning on each other. The two houses exchanged looks, but no one was willing to resume hostilities. James was holding his stomach, looking nauseous. Sirius' breathing was laboured. Blood was pouring from his nose, staining his robes.

Madam Pomfrey was talking to Professor Crowley when they stumbled into the infirmary, but they broke off in surprise when they saw the injured students.

"What on earth has happened here?" she began as she assessed the damage. "Potter, get yourself onto a bed, you might have internal bleeding. Congratulations, Mr Black, you have a broken nose. Rosier, broken ribs. Pettigrew! Good God, which one of you is responsible for these hexes? Whose class is this, anyway?"

"Professor Spawforth's," said Mary. She'd taken a seat beside James, taking his hand. James looked as though he wanted to run away, internal bleeding or no.

Madam Pomfrey exchanged a look with Professor Crowley.

"You see what I mean, Poppy? Slytherin house is--"

"Not in front of the students, Adelaide. Potter is my priority here."

"What Potions do you need?"

Madam Pomfrey reeled off a list. Crowley looked around the room.

"Evans, are you able-bodied?" she asked.

"Bruised. Otherwise fine."

"Then follow me. Some of these are down in the dungeons, I'll need someone to carry them."

The last thing Lily wanted was a private moment with Crowley, but she could hardly refuse. She patted Remus on the shoulder and followed the Professor.

Crowley walked quickly, and Lily had to hurry to keep up with her. She spoke as she walked, showing no signs of fatigue.

"I can't help but notice that Mr Snape is absent from that merry crowd."

"He's with Professor Spawforth. He, uh, he started it. Sort of."

"Sort of."

"It was complicated, Professor, and -- and I'm not really sure what happened." And Crowley was the last person she wanted to confide in.

The Professor, however, didn't seem interested in reviving their old argument. Instead, she made Lily carefully describe Professor Spawforth's words and actions.

"God," Lily thought she heard her mutter, "Anthony can't handle them at all."

Crowley handed Lily a small tray, enchanted to protect its contents from being dropped, and then filled it with Potions. She picked up a similar tray herself, saying, "Explain to me, Miss Evans, why these Potions aren't kept in the hospital wing."

Crowley kept Lily busy with questions about the regulations regarding volatile or addictive Potions as they returned to the hospital wing. While Crowley and Pomfrey dealt with their patients, Lily took a seat beside James' bed.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Sore. Seriously bruised. Pissed off."

She patted his hand. "That was terrifying. I've never seen violence like that."

"I've never been in violence like that -- and I have an older brother." He managed a weak grin.

"James--" she said.

"Yeah?"

"I didn't do anything."

"Sorry?"

"You guys were being hexed and beaten, and I just sat there. I could have done it, but I couldn't move. In the end, I had to force myself to do something, and I was so afraid..." She shuddered, remembering all the doubts that had nagged at her for years. "I shouldn't even be a Gryffindor," she said bitterly. "I'm not brave, and I'm certainly not chivalrous -- I mean, you're lying here in pain, and I'm talking about myself--"

"Hey," said James firmly. "You can talk about yourself any time." He grinned weakly. "I'm always happy to listen." He patted her hand. "Look, that was chaos. And it was hell. No one would fault you for not jumping in immediately and getting beaten up with the rest of us. As it is, you got Peter out of it, un-bound Remus and left Marguerite with a highly amusing Herbology-phobia."

"I--"

"As for courage, and houses -- well, the Sorting Hat doesn't make mistakes."

"Actually, it gave me a choice."

"Really?" He looked pleased. "Me, too. Tried to put me in Hufflepuff. Can you imagine?" He tried to laugh, but turned very pale. "Anyway, you would have made a great Ravenclaw, or whatever, but you're a fine Gryffindor. Courage isn't just about getting into fights -- my brother taught me that." He smiled, more cautiously this time. "Tried to teach Sirius, too, but it's impossible to get anything through that thick skull. Just ask Rosier."

Madam Pomfrey swooped over to send Lily back to classes, where she, Geraldine and Mary were the only remaining Gryffindors. Fortunately, Professor Sprout paired her with Daphne Bow, a rather sweet Hufflepuff, so Lily didn't have to spend the afternoon listening to Geraldine and Mary discussing what they called "the incident" in piously shocked whispers.

After dinner, she crept into the darkened hospital wing. The Gryffindors and Slytherins were at opposite ends of the ward. All were sleeping. Rosier snored quite heavily, she noticed.

Lily quietly found a chair and sat down between James and Remus. Beyond Remus lay Sirius; Peter lay on Sirius' other side. She was enchanted to see that James' hair was falling into his eyes, that Remus slept with his mouth slightly open, that Peter was curled into a ball and that Sirius was making small snuffling noises as he breathed. She was reminded of how they'd looked as eleven year olds.

Her boys. They were really such children.

She looked up as she heard voices in Madam Pomfrey's office.

"...will do the right thing, Adelaide, you don't have to worry about that."

"A Gryffindor can't be expected to understand what they need. Not that Anthony does either, for all that he's a Slytherin." Bitterly, Professor Crowley said, "he'll destroy those kids, Poppy. One by one, and he doesn't even care."

"Now, Adelaide..."

"And I make one bad decision, and now I'm not trusted to take care of them."

"Dumbledore trusts you--"

"The Board of Governors don't. Malfoy--"

"Malfoy has his own interests at heart, he always does."

"That goes without saying, but they just don't see -- Anthony will drive those children right into Voldemort's loving arms."

"Say 'You-Know-Who', Adelaide, you almost gave me a heart attack. Anyway," said Madam Pomfrey as her voice moved towards the door, "how do you know that's not exactly what Malfoy wants?" Pomfrey stepped into the main ward. "Miss Evans?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Bed. Now." Seeing Lily's hesitation she added, "your friends will be fine, I promise you."

Lily nodded and left. She was half-wishing that she could stay and hear more of Crowley and Pomfrey's discussion, yet at the same time, she was appalled by the amount of eavesdropping she'd done that day. She remembered when only sneaks, liars and Slytherins had listened to other peoples' conversations. She remembered when those three things had been essentially the same.

She remembered when everything had been simple.

She stood in the Entrance Hall for several minutes, wondering what to do next. Then she turned, and made her way to the music room.

It was time to talk to Severus.

***

As she'd expected, he was sitting at the silent piano. He looked a little lost, and despite herself, her heart went out to him. This school was no good for him.

He looked up at her, his eyes shadowed and haunted.

He pulled her close and kissed her on the lips. "I've had the worst day," he whispered.

to be continued...

I was starting to worry that I was writing Snape too sympathetically -- the character in the fic wasn't matching up with the character in my head. Writing this chapter, I've decided that it's not a problem. Even *I* want to feed the little twerp to a werewolf right now...

notes and credits:

chapter title: from "Green" by Alex Lloyd: "If you wanna be free / please don't fall for me / I could be anyone but your friend."

Daphne Bow: it's a real Hufflepuff sort of name, isn't it? Daphne from the flower, and also from a minor Enid Blyton character. From the Malory Towers novels, I believe. Bow from "Playing Beatie Bow" by Ruth Park; see Chapter 4 and my fic "The Riddle Game" for yet more references to this novel.

Originally posted to ff.net on May 24, updated May 27. Some line editing, a few things fixed up, and Lily was given a more prominent role in The Brawl. My muse was in the mood for violence...

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