There Is No Such Place

chapter summary: The boys are back in town! The new term creates tension between Severus and Lily.

Several hours later, Lily found Severus in the music room, playing a discordant melody.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

"Gibson is dead," he said.

"Oh."

More students gone, then. More empty places in dorms and common rooms.

"I'm the new Slytherin prefect. Marguerite's colleague."

"Congratulations."

"Oh yes. The beginning of a fine career, no doubt." His voice was bitter. "Spawforth wasn't even given a chance to choose. He would have selected Lestrange. He and Marguerite are already joined at the hip, why separate them? But Dumbledore wanted me."

"Well, that's good, isn't it? I mean, he is the Headmaster, and he obviously thinks highly of you..."

"Lily, you don't understand."

The music -- if such a word could be applied to the noise the piano was producing -- was grating on Lily's nerves, and Severus' attitude wasn't helping.

"Try me," she said.

Snape lifted his hands from the keyboard.

"This is Slytherin house politics," he said. "I have a secure position among the leading Slytherins of our year. I work hard to keep that security. I'm smart, I'm dangerous, I'm powerful." His voice was completely neutral; he could have been reading from a shopping list. "I'm better than most of them, although Marguerite ... she's a powerful witch. If I worked hard, I'd be her equal, but ... she attracts a lot of attention." He offered her a very small smile. "That means that when she fails, she'll fall a long way."

"I understand." And she did, although she rather wished she didn't.

"Now, me, I don't stand out too much. I'm good, really good, but no one's trying to..." His voice trailed off. "Never mind. It's different now -- I'm a prefect -- but not Spawforth's choice." He stood up and began to pace.

"I was chosen by Dumbledore -- Gryffindor, Muggle-lover and the antithesis of everything that Slytherin stands for. So not only am I going to be the subject of scrutiny now, but I'm going to be marked as an outsider. And everything I've managed to do -- or avoid doing -- will be for nothing."

Lily licked her lips. "Severus, you're scaring me. What have you managed to avoid doing? Scrutiny from whom?"

He shook his head. "It doesn't matter."

"But--"

He glared at her, his eyes cold and oddly threatening. "It doesn't matter," he hissed.

Discomforted -- not, she told herself, scared -- she took a step back. His eyes widened as he watched her, and he slowly unclenched his fists and relaxed. She realised for the first time that his hands had been so tense that his knuckles had turned white.

"Lily." Whatever had taken hold of him, it was gone now. He was just a gaunt, pale fifteen year old again. "My true feelings--" here he reached out and gently touched her hand -- "are unimportant. What matters is that I survive my seven years in Slytherin House. I need to thrive there, Lily, because if I don't succeed as a Slytherin, I'll be nothing."

"That's not true."

"Isn't it? My father used to delight in telling me that, lacking both beauty and charm, I'd best develop intelligence, cunning and ambition. And he was right."

"Right? How can anyone say that to their own son? I mean, it's -- it's -- what did you mother say?"

"Oh, nothing." He shrugged with a nonchalance she knew he didn't feel. "She hates me. She'd be just as happy if I were dead." Bitterly he added, "it's a pretty common opinion."

Lily wasn't sure how to respond to this obvious self-loathing. Nothing in her experience covered Severus Snape. Mutely, she took his hand. It appeared to be the right thing to do, because he put his own hand over hers and squeezed it.

"This isn't your problem," he said. "It's a Slytherin matter."

"I just worry."

"Me, too." There was no humour in his face.

"Will you be okay?"

"I'm always okay."

***

Lily was in her room when the Hogwarts carriages arrived at the school. She'd thought of going down to the Entrance Hall, but she didn't want it to seem like she'd spent the last fortnight waiting for the boys to come back.

Anyway, the thought of the halls being filled with shrieking students, along with trunks, owls, rats, toads and Jessie Farnborough's talking mynah bird, was jarring after the silence of the holidays. So Lily waited in her room, hoping that the boys would come to her, and afraid they wouldn't bother.

Or worse, that they'd take one look at her and know how she'd spent her Christmas break. Didn't they used to make adulterers wear scarlet 'A' patches on their clothes? She felt as though she should have a green 'S': 'S' for Snogging Slytherin Severus Snape.

There was a knock at her door, and James peered around.

"Excellent," he said, "you're alone. I think Geraldine and Mary are still in the Entrance Hall." He entered her room and set a cage down on her trunk. "Merry Christmas."

"Oh, James..." She'd known he was giving her an owl, of course, but she hadn't expected it to be so magnificent. It was an enormous snowy owl with intelligent eyes and startlingly white feathers.

"Gorgeous, isn't she? The pick of the bunch."

"James, you shouldn't have. I'm speechless. I mean, she's remarkable. But it's too much."

James waved her concerns away. "Don't worry about it. It's partially an apology for not inviting you home over Christmas. Remus didn't -- I mean, Mum wasn't too thrilled with the idea of having a girl over. As if we didn't have half a million guestrooms, and my brother's fiancée was around all the time ... but Mum's dead old fashioned." He licked his lips, and Lily noticed that his ears were burning. "Anyway, it was the least I could do."

"Wow. I'd hate to see what happens when you make an effort."

"Well, he wanted a kick-line and dancing troupe, but I drew the line at wearing pink tights." Sirius entered her dorm, closely followed by Remus and Peter.

"Yeah, they weren't his size," Remus said. "Hey, Lil. What are you going to name the owl?"

"Sirius has been calling it Gitface," Peter added.

"And speaking of gitfaces, did you get my present?" Sirius asked.

"What? Oh, yes, I--"

"And did you give Snape his share?"

"No. I thought it was mean." Her face felt so hot that she was sure they could see her blush, but no one said anything.

"See, Sirius?" Remus was saying, "normal people have consciences. And souls."

"And one day," Peter added, "you're going to get us all in trouble."

"What do you know about 'normal' anyway, Moony?" James asked. Lily wondered at the nickname; she'd never heard it before.

"Well, I read about it in a textbook once."

"Excuse me." At the peevish interruption, they all looked up. Geraldine was standing in the doorway. "This is the girls' dorm. You're not supposed to be here."

"We're leaving," said James. "We were just giving Lily her Christmas present." He nodded at the owl.

Geraldine's eyes widened at the extravagance of the gift. "For her?"

"That was really generous of you, James," said Mary with a simpering smile.

James blushed. "It was nothing, really."

The boys left quickly. As soon as they were gone, Mary lost her sweet smile and rounded on Lily.

"Are you going out with James?" she demanded.

"No! He's just a friend."

"Oh, well, you would say that. Little mealy mouthed Mudblood."

"Oh, forget about it," said Geraldine. "It's not as though James is worth it. The Potters are such Muggle-lovers ... Daddy said they get worse with every generation. He says I'd have been better off in Slytherin."

They began discussing the extravagant four day Christmas party that Geraldine's family had hosted. Not wanting to listen a minute more than she had to, Lily took her owl to the Owlery.

***

"Well?" asked James.

"Well what?"

"What did you name the owl?"

"Or can I keep on calling it Gitface?" called Sirius, smiling at her over a plate heaped high with shepherd's pie and vegetables. His smile faded suddenly as he looked past her shoulder; Lily turned around and realised that he was scowling at Snape, over at the Slytherin table. Severus was returning the glare. Lily shivered and turned back to the Gryffindor table.

"You may not," she said. "I've decided to name her Mariam."

"I dunno," said Sirius. "I don't think it calls up a mental image like Gitface."

"I think that's the point," said Remus. "How was your Christmas, Lily? Didn't you have a special Potions project?"

Lily glanced at him, wondering what James had almost told her that afternoon. "Christmas was quiet. Pleasant, really, to go without my sister shrieking and all the relatives getting horribly drunk, and my grandmother interrogating me about school. As for the project..." Lily's voice trailed off. "Well, it was interesting."

"Interesting how?" asked Peter.

Lily glanced at the staff table, where Crowley was talking to Professor Kettleburn.

"I'll tell you later."

She ended up sneaking into their dorm after dinner, where she gave them an edited version of her holiday.

"Snape said it was a Longaevitas Potion, about one step away from being Dark."

"So, of course, he kept on making it," said Sirius.

"You, of course, would never pursue a dangerous or illegal line of research, would you ... Padfoot?" Remus smiled lazily. Sirius laughed and threw a pillow at him.

"Hey," said James softly. "Lady present."

"Oh, sorry."

"It doesn't matter," Lily began, but there was no further mention of mysterious activities or nicknames.

"What do you reckon Crowley was up to?" Peter asked.

"We -- I don't know."

"Maybe she sells it," said Remus. "There are places on Knockturn Alley, or Iron Nick Alley that sell semi-legal Potions. I bet she makes a tidy profit."

"The school board should raise the teachers' salaries, then," said James. "It's really kind of pathetic, dabbling in the Dark Arts to make a few extra Knuts."

"She'll be making less this time, then," said Lily, and she explained how the Potion was less potent than normal. The boys made mock-sympathetic noises.

"Are you planning to tell Dumbledore?" James asked.

"Um ... no."

"Lily!" cried Sirius, "even I'd tell someone in charge about this ... well, probably, anyway."

"I'm just not sure what to say," she said. "And I don't want to get Snape in trouble."

"Why the hell not?" James asked.

"I don't know," Lily lied. "I just -- look, he's not as horrible to me as he is to you. I don't feel the need to bring his every failing to the school's attention. Anyway, there were other things happening, as well."

She told the boys about the Reynolds family's fate, and what Dumbledore had told her about Voldemort.

Peter looked sick; he'd been pretty friendly with the twins as well. "I feel like we should have done something," he said. "Found out earlier, or known from the beginning..."

"I had an idea of what happened," said James. "My brother Stephen -- he's an Auror, Lily -- he told us some stuff over the break."

"Yeah," added Remus. "Real bloodcurdling stuff ... a lot of Aurors are dying, and the death rate's going up--" He glanced at James, who'd suddenly gone very tense. "Sorry."

"'S okay," said James, although his face was very pale. "I mean, Stephen knows it's dangerous."

"Not that it's stopping him from going out there," Sirius said. "Your brother's pretty cool."

James grinned. "Yeah. You should meet him, Lily, you'd really like him."

"Don't like him too much, though," Peter added, "his fiancée was a Slytherin, she'll curse your hair off."

Everyone laughed, and the conversation turned to other things. She ended up staying much later than she'd planned, just enjoying the jokes and company. She couldn't shake the suspicion that the boys were keeping something from her, but she couldn't imagine what it would be. In the end, she decided not to think about it.

Around midnight, she stood up and stretched. "I really have to go," she admitted.

"You could stay," Peter suggested. "Take Sirius' bed, he can sleep on the rug."

"Ha, nice try," said Sirius, laughing. "Peter can curl up in a corner, you can have his bed."

"Gosh, that's so generous," Lily managed to say between giggles, "but I really have to be going. I mean, what would Geraldine and Mary say if I spent a night in your room?"

"Hey, maybe Mary would finally stop following me around," James suggested.

"Stay, Lily, stay!" cried Remus. "We can't take much more of that idiot."

Lily laughed, but made her way to the door.

"Hey, wait."

Lily turned. James was following her. Quietly, he led her down to the common room.

"You will do something, won't you?" he said urgently, "if Crowley seems to be up to something?"

"Of course."

James smiled. "Great. Listen, are you coming to the next Quidditch match?"

"That's Slytherin versus Ravenclaw, right?"

"Yeah. Sirius had this great idea."

Lily had known the boys long enough that those words were enough to give her pause. "What kind of idea?"

"A brilliant idea. Come to the game. It'll be fantastic."

"I don't know ... I mean, you aren't exactly telling me everything here."

"That's just so you don't get caught in the inevitable detentions."

It wasn't the most reassuring thing she'd ever heard, but Lily promised to show up.

***

The next morning, Dumbledore made a special announcement.

"You are all aware," he said, "that students and their families have been disappearing over the last year. With the death of Daniel Gibson of Slytherin, we have now lost students from every house to this war."

There was whispering throughout the Great Hall. Sirius leaned over to James.

"He's calling it a war? Isn't that a bit of an overstatement?"

"I dunno," James whispered back. "I mean, some of the stories that Stephen was telling..."

"I guess."

Dumbledore held up a hand for silence. "The Ministry of Magic and the Board of Governors would prefer that we allow these deaths and disappearances to pass without comment, but I cannot continue to do so." For a second, Dumbledore's eyes met Lily's. "Lord Voldemort is more than a rumour, or a whisper, or a bogeyman. He is a Dark wizard, and he is a very real threat. He has been growing in power for five years, and he becomes more confident and dangerous with every passing day."

Professors Spawforth and Crowley were watching the Slytherin table. Lily followed their gaze. Marguerite Da Silva and Tobias Lestrange were having a quiet, intense conversation. Avery and Rosier were leaning back in their chairs; it looked like they were trying not to laugh. Wilkes was watching Severus, who was watching Dumbledore with an odd, intense expression on his face.

"Voldemort and his followers," Dumbledore was saying, "do not care to distinguish between the innocent and the guilty, or the deserving and the virtuous. They will kill anyone who gets in their way -- for all their rhetoric about purity of blood, they would not bother to check your lineage if they considered you a threat. I think you will all agree that they pose a threat to our society -- a threat which we must oppose."

The students got to their feet to applaud Dumbledore and toast their absent schoolmates, but through the crowds, Lily could see that a large group of Slytherins had remained seated.

James and Sirius were still arguing about semantics as they made their way to Transfiguration. Lily wasn't exactly sure why Sirius considered Dumbledore's comments overstatement, except for a general feeling that a war should have more casualties.

Lily exchanged a resigned look with Peter as Remus tried to negotiate a compromise.

"They'll go on like this all day," Peter said with a sigh. "And it's not even a funny argument."

In the end, it took sharp words from Professor McGonagall to get the boys to shut up.

"In five months," she said, "you will be taking the OWLs. It shouldn't come as a surprise that we are expecting you all--" she glared at Geraldine, who was doing her hair -- "to work even harder than you have before. Some of you--" she gave James, Remus and Lily an approving half-smile -- "will find this a challenge. Others..." Her gaze took in Geraldine, Mary, Sirius and Peter, "will find plenty of room for improvement."

Their class was exhausting, and the rest of her subjects were just as bad. By Wednesday, Lily had decided that if she ever heard the word OWLs again, she'd scream.

Well. Perhaps not. Checking her watch, she decided to make her way up to the Owlery before the prefect's meeting. Time for Mariam to send her first letter: a chatty note to her family, with thankyou letters for various relatives enclosed. A lighthearted little note, with no mention of rising Dark wizards, or Potions, or Slytherin boyfriends. '... and Sirius said the funniest thing ... the way Frank carries on, you'd think he was the Headmaster ... it turned into an armadillo instead, and the Professor just can't figure out how Peter could Transfigure a sock into a perfect armadillo by accident, when he can't even turn a shoelace into a worm most of the time. She suspects James and Sirius of helping him...'

She was watching Mariam fly away, a white speck against the evening sky, when Professor Crowley entered the Owlery. She didn't seem to notice Lily as she walked purposefully towards an attractive eagle owl, a letter in her hand. Lily was surprised to see the Professor's hand shaking as she attached the letter to her owl's leg.

Crowley was ... afraid? Lily watched from the shadows as the owl flew out. Professor Crowley's attention was focused on the owl, her shaking hands hidden in the sleeves of her red and black robes. Her mouth was pursed, determined, but her eyes were brimming with tears. Lily couldn't look away.

"Fuck," Crowley breathed, pulling out a handkerchief and wiping her eyes. She closed them and took a deep breath.

When Crowley opened her eyes again, there was no sign of the tears. She was in complete control, the same austere, terrifying figure that stalked the dungeons. The change was startling enough that Lily wondered if she were going crazy.

She counted slowly to thirty after Crowley left, to give the Professor time to get away from the Owlery. Making her way to the third floor room where prefects' meetings were held, she wondered what had upset Crowley so much that she was afraid.

Lily froze as Dumbledore's words echoed in her ears. "He wants to live forever in a world where everyone fears him."

Voldemort.

Crowley.

Fear.

Longaevitas Potion.

Oh.

Lily shivered as she entered the meeting room. But Crowley couldn't possibly be working for Voldemort. She was too ... too independent, Lily decided. Too self-sufficient.

Anyway, she was a teacher, and surely Dumbledore wouldn't hire teachers who even supported Voldemort, let alone had students create restricted Potions for him.

Most of the others were already there. James gave her a curious look as she sat down beside him.

"Are you okay?" he asked. "You look kind of pale."

"I'm fine."

"Sure?"

"I'm--" She broke off as the six Slytherin prefects threw the doors open and made their way to their seats. There was a definite swagger in their walks, a sense that several powerful witches and wizards had just entered the room. Marguerite gave Lily a quick look, and the skin on the back of her neck prickled.

"So glad you could all make it," said James dryly. "On time for once, too."

Wilson, one of the seventh years, sneered at him. "Think you're so funny, don't ya, Potter."

James grinned. "Why yes. I do." A few people chuckled, but the Slytherins remained unamused.

"You're a child," said Marguerite softly as she took her seat. "Playing childish games and making childish jokes."

"Yeah, so?" James said.

Tallisker, a burly sixth year girl, opened her mouth, but she was cut off by Frank Longbottom's entrance.

"Whatever you're going to say, Tallisker," he said, throwing himself into his chair, "forget it. It's a new year, and I'd prefer that we start it without the petty bickering." He glanced at James. "You, too, James."

James saluted and leaned back in his chair. "You're the boss."

The meeting concentrated largely on the Ravenclaw library. It was a Ravenclaw custom for every student to buy at least one book a year for the house collection. Unfortunately for the Ravenclaws, an increasing number of students from other houses were interested in using the collection, which included a lot of books unavailable in the school library -- novels, for one thing, and some Muggle books. The Ravenclaw prefects argued that the collection was private property, and not available to the general school. The other prefects were divided, but after an hour, the arguments were just going around and around again.

Bored, Lily began drawing cartoon faces on her parchment, while James leaned back and made increasingly bad jokes.

In the end, the meeting when for two and a half hours. Lily couldn't help notice that Severus said nothing for the whole time, but whenever she looked at him, he was glaring at Frank, his eyes shadowed. Several times, Frank glanced at him, then looked away quickly. The third time this happened, Snape smiled slightly.

After the meeting, Lily tried to catch his eye, but he didn't look in her direction as he walked away, surrounded by the other Slytherins.

"Idiots," James muttered.

"Hey," said Frank as they made their way back to the common room, "you're not entirely free of blame here, James. You deliberately provoke--"

"I do not! I treat Snape and his crowd the same way I treat everyone else--"

"Five years ago, that might have been true. But these days, you go out of your way to provoke them, and you do it in such a way that everyone else thinks it's funny, so no one understands why the Slytherins don't like it. It's tacky, James."

"Yeah, whatever."

"Anyway, you don't want to make an enemy of Snape," Frank added. "I know a bit about his family, and trust me, they're pretty unpleasant."

"Must be hereditary, then," James muttered.

"James." Frank stopped, forcing James to look him in the eye. "Lay off. Snape can turn pretty nasty."

James grimaced, but didn't argue. Lily grinned at Frank, wondering what he knew about Snape's family, and why Severus hated him so much.

***

In the end, Lily didn't get to speak to Severus until Friday night. She found him in the music room, sitting at the silent piano and frowning. She entered and took a seat near the window, watching him in the dimly lit room. She felt awkward, being with him again after this separation.

It had been a difficult week, capped by a terrible Potions class. Crowley was alternately dismissive and scathing, standing beside her and watching Lily intently as she attempted to brew the assigned Potion.

At one point, Lily had made eye contact with Snape, before realising that Crowley was watching them. For a few hideous minutes, she'd been afraid that Crowley would say something, tell the world about their relationship. But Crowley had simply turned away to criticise Peter.

Now, she watched Snape, a gaunt silhouette in the semi-darkness.

"It's strange to have everyone back," she said.

"I know."

"How's life among the Slytherins?"

"You make it sound like I'm not one of them," he muttered. "Complicated." He turned away from the piano, facing her and running his fingers through his hair. "That speech of Dumbledore's ... a lot of us are angry about it."

"Angry? Why?"

He gave her the cold look that he usually reserved for someone he despised. "It's Slytherin business."

"What? How can you say that?" A horrible thought occurred to her. "Are you -- don't you want -- is this over, then?"

"Why on earth would you say that?"

"Well, you've suddenly come over all Slytherin. I mean, this whole week you've been picking on people you usually ignore, and you were awful in the prefects' meeting, and now, when I'm asking what's wrong, and being concerned, and interested, you're refusing to tell me because I'm not a bloody Slytherin. So if you don't want to be my boyfriend, say so. Tell me I'm not good enough, or that my blood's not pure enough. Go and snog Marguerite, or Florence, or somebody. But don't play stupid games."

Severus looked away, apparently lost for words. When he did speak, his voice was almost inaudible.

"Have you ever considered regulating these outbursts?" he said. "You occasionally launch into melodramatic monologues. It's rather terrifying."

Lily stood up. "Fine. I'll leave then."

She walked towards the door, and was almost out before he said, "Wait."

"Oh thank God," she said. "I was afraid you were going to let me get away."

He caught her round the waist and kissed her. "I'm many things," he said, "but stupid's not one of them. Black's insults not withstanding."

"You have to admit," she murmured into his shoulder, "you did provoke that fight yesterday."

"I don't deny it."

"What are you trying to prove?"

"That I'm still worthy of inclusion in the Slytherin inner-circle."

"There's any doubt? You haven't been friendly to Hufflepuffs or anything like that, have you?"

"No, but I was a bit ... reserved in criticising Dumbledore the other day. Must be your influence." There was no humour in his eyes as he said this. "And the old fool made me a prefect -- I've already told you why that's a bad thing." Severus shrugged. "There's been a shift in power, and I'm at the centre of it. That's all."

He kissed her, and she responded with increasing passion. They spent a long time sharing the piano bench, kissing and trying to recapture the sense of peace they'd shared over the break.

They didn't discuss Dumbledore, or Slytherin, or anything of importance. As she slipped away in the early hours of Saturday morning, Lily realised that she'd forgotten to mention Crowley's message, and her possible ties to Voldemort.

It didn't matter, she decided. Not right now. What mattered was that everything was okay between them.

And everything was okay, she reassured herself as she made her way back to her dorm. They were just a little tense, but they were okay, they were fine...

Surely they'd be fine.