The Adventures of the Marauders... and Some Other Stuff.

Lily led James out of the Great Hall and down a hallway. She tried a series of doors leading to empty classrooms, but all of them that she tried were locked and couldn't be opened even with a spell.

Lily: *strains to open a door*

James: *stares at her* You're beautiful when you look constipated.

Lily: *lets go of door* You could help me look for a place where we can talk.

James: How about my bed?

Lily: *has to try very hard not to hex him* NO!

James: Okay, your bed.

Lily: *turns red* Jam-

James: Although I don't think that staircase will let me up there, and if we 'talk' on the couch it might offend some people...

Lily: SHUT UP! *grabs James by the neck of his shirt and leads him to a closet door, opens it, and screams*

Remus: *is huddled on the floor of the closet still has the Hufflepuff's chocolate in his hand and has chocolate smeared all over face*

James: *stares*

Remus: *stares back*

James: Uhh...

Remus: *hisses*

James & Lily: *screams*

Remus: *slams door shut*

This incident was never mentioned again.

Lily: OKAY! THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I HAVE TO KNOW SOMETHING!

James: Yes, I am into protection.

Lily: *looks disgusted* NO! ARE YOUR GAY!? AM I JUST A COVER UP? IS BLACK YOUR BOYFRIEND (my friend Jessie needs to know. If he is, they have a lot to talk about) BECAUSE IF I AM, JAMES POTTER, I WILL MAKE THE REST OF YOUR SCHOOL DAYS HELL!!!

James: WHAT? Who told you I was gay? It was Snape wasn't it? Oh, I'll get him good...

Lily: Severus had nothing to do with this-

James: *takes wand out* Just wait till I find him. I read about this new spell that I have wanted to try on him. *looks smug then quickly changes to anger* He is probably in his dormitory, now is just the problem of getting him to come out. Maybe if I-

Lily: *panics* No James... really, it wasn't him.

James: ... then that would take him to the kitchen... maybe if Samantha will meet him at that staircase...

Lily: James?

James: ... tell him there is an emergency on the astronomy tower... assuming he won't bring anyone so I can't get blamed for it, I could make it clean and push him off of it... or I could just use the killing curse on him and get it over with... hopefully he will fall off so I know he is dead...

Lily: Are you even listening to me?

James: ... but then there would be way too much blood... take to long to clean up even with magic...

Lily: That was a stupid question.

James: *has himself in a mad rage* HOW ABOUT I JUST SHOVE THIS LIITLE PIECE OF WONDER RIGHT UP HIS RECTEM?! *shakes wand viciously*

Lily: Now that's just uncalled for.

James: OR PUT AN ABNORMALY STRONG ITCHING CHARM ON THE BOTTOM OF HIS FOOT!

Lily: That would really suck.

James: OR RUB A STINKPOD ON HIM IN HERBOLOGY... EVERYDAY!

Lily: Everyone would suffer then.

James: HOW ABOUT THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO TO HIM? I'LL SHAMPOO HIM!

Lily: He might cry...

James: That settles it! He is getting the shampoo! *storms off*

Lily: Well, that didn't go to plan at all.

James rushes up to the Common Room to discuss plans of action with Sirius, only to find that he had some other people to deal with on the way up there.

James: *walking as he can*

One of Lily's friends: Hey, Potter! In a hurry to see your boyfriend are you?

James: *fires a hex at her*

Another one of Lily's friends: Can't you and Black spend any time away from each other?

James: I AM NOT GAY, DAMNIT!

Another one of Lily's friends: My name is Lisa, not Damnit.

James: &^%$# to all of you!!! %$@ you! &%)you! AND MOST OF ALL, &(*^*&^%%$&$(*&^%$&*^$ !!!

Peter: *catches up to James* That was awesome! Can you teach me how to cuss like that some time?

James: Get. Away. Now.

Peter: *backs away*

James: *makes it to the common room to find Sirius in one of his insane moods*

Sirius: How are you doing today, sir? If I may say, those are some lovely robes that you're wearing, but that aren't really you're color. How about these little beauties? *pulls out rainbow colored robes*

James: That is in no way funny. *pouts* I take it that you heard.

Sirius: Why of course I heard! I was trying to sell these lovely pair of pink robes to one lucky female, but for some reason, everyone I asked slapped me in the face.

James: That is because that back is cut out of them.

Sirius: ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT I CUT OUT THE BACK OF THEM?

James: No...

Sirius: Oh.

James: Seriously, Sirius, what should I do?

Sirius: About the whole school thinking that you're gay?

James: No, about Lily thinking that I am gay.

Sirius: Wait let me get this straight. The whole school thinks that you go out with boys, and that annoys you, but you could care less. Right?

James: Yes.

Sirius: And Lily thinks that you're gay, and that tares you apart.

James: Yes. Really, I care that her friends think that I am gay because that means they're going to have her totally convinced.

Sirius: *blink* That makes complete sense. That isn't stupid at all.

They go up to their dormitories to study for a while. A few hours later, Remus knocks on the door.

Sirius: *lying on bed with upper body hanging off* Who is it?

Remus: Who do you think it is?

James: *remembers from experience* Quick! Hide all of the chocolate in this room!

Sirius and James: *takes the next several moments to hide all traces of chocolate, then resumes their places on their beds*

James: Come on in. Wait, it's your dormitory, why did you even knock... on second thought, don't answer that.

Remus: I didn't know if you two were wanted to talk in private. *pokes head through the door* James? Hey, I thought that you could use some Pepperup potion after the day you have been through.

Sirius: *falls off bed on head in a fluster of excitement* Drugs? For me! *runs at Remus at full speed*

Remus: *steps easily out of the way and calmly watches as Sirius runs into the door* No, you dunderhead, it's for James. This has a cheering potion mixed in with it; the Pepperup potion is just to cover up the taste a little.

James: Thanks, Remus. Just sit it on the desk and I will take it later. Wait... who made that? You're horrible at potions.

Remus: I... found it... in a... *whispers* closet.

Sirius: *grabs it off of the desk and discovers it liquid content* Why do I have this strange feeling that I can't take this with water?

Remus: ... Anyway, it is almost dinnertime. We better go ahead down... *spies chocolate sticking out from under a bed* there if... *swallows and begins to sweat* we... LET'S JUST GO! AFTER YOU TWO!

James: Whaa...

Remus: *practically throws them out of the room*

Remus sprints over to the bed and flings himself on the floor. He grabs the chocolate, cackling with excitement. Just at that moment, some unfortunate first year takes a wrong turn and opens the door. After seeing the image of a fifth year making out with an usually large bar of chocolate, he immediately owled his parents about a transfer to Durmstrang