I Do...?

I Do...?

Severus Snape was walking down a corridor one day, minding his own business, when suddenly...

WHAM!

He was pulled into a broom closet by a pair of thick, stubby hands. When he saw who it was, he let out a high-pitched scream - which, of course, he told me not to tell you, because that was not a very Snape-ish thing to do. So if you don't mind keeping a secret...

Well. Anyway.

"UMBRIDGE! I thought we'd gotten rid of you!"

"Oh, Sevvie," Umbridge sighed as she twirled her wand between her fingers. Snape felt ill. "You would think that, wouldn't you? Poor, naïve little Sevvie." Umbridge smiled evilly. Snape gulped.

"What - what do you want?"

"I want," Umbridge said slowly. "I want. Funny words, aren't they, Sevvie? I want so many things. Like... you, for instance." Snape cursed himself for leaving his wand behind - but then again, he didn't often need it when heading to the bathroom. "But you wouldn't want to cooperate, would you, Sevvie?"

"No... no, I wouldn't want to cooperte," Snape said, finally settling back into his well-known, cold tone. "May I inquire what you plan to do about it?"

"You may."

"Er - what do you plan to do about it?"

Umbridge smiled slightly and uttered one word.

"Imperio." Snape's eyes snapped open with shock as she spoke it, and before he could even think about fighting the curse, he fell quickly backward, and lost all consciousness.

Umbridge smiled coyly to herself as she watched her Sevvie-kins swoon backwards.

It had begun.

*~*

Dedalus Diggle had owned Diggle's Wedding Garb for twenty-six years. He had seen people from all over the world - nervous people, excited people, even a person who had tried to strangle him. He was used to dealing with pre-marriage stress.

But nothing could have prepared him for this.

"I - you want me to find a suit for him?" Diggle said, blinking. "What happened to the poor man?"

"Fainted," said the short woman in front of him, shaking her head. "Fainted from anxiety. Let the poor man rest. He's been wringing his hands for weeks."

"Aye, miss. Would you be looking for something for yourself?"

"No thank you, Mr. Diggle," said the woman stiffly. "I have already found my dress."

Diggle took the unconscious man and held him upright to the wall before he fell over and hit his head on Diggle's desk. Diggle straightened him once more and realized who it was. "Snape! Severus Snape? I had no idea the lad was planning to marry! Bless him, you're a lucky woman, Miss...?"

"The name's Umbridge. Dolores Umbridge."

Diggle nodded politely, but inwardly cringed. "Severus has made a fine choice then, Miss Umbridge." Yeah, right, he thought. Poor Snape, I doubt he knows what he's getting himself into. Young and in love... with a pink, frilly toad. Diggle sighed, and proceeded to find Professor Severus Snape the perfect tux.

*~*

Umbridge grinned evilly while the tailor wasn't looking. Her plan was working. By tomorrow evening she would be Dolores Snape... it did indeed have a nice ring to it, didn't it? Dolores Snape... Mrs. Dolores Snape...

And once she was Mrs. Dolores Snape, there was nothing stopping her from fulfilling her true dream... none had ever understood poor Dolores Umbridge and her desperate need to become a circus clown. For Snape's father owned the Snape Brothers' Circus and once she got him out of the way, she could fulfill her dream and become the greatest clown in all of Oz - er... England. Not Oz. Although maybe, if this plan failed, she could use a magic portal to transport herself there, and could pursue her secondary dream - becoming a supreme evil overlord - er, overlady.

She had already sent out her cousin, Dorothy Gale, out to kill the old hag that lived in Oz. But when she returned, she was hardly capable of coherent speech - kept muttering something about a yellow brick road...

Diggle announced to her that Severus had found his fate in flannel, and, although Umbridge could hardly approve of the material, it was the least expensive thing. She paid and thanked Diggle, telling him if he ever needed a favor of the Ministry, that perhaps he should ask Cornelius Fudge. Wonderful man...

*~*

"Of course, we're deeply in love," Umbridge said off-handedly to the priest. "But my family tragically died in a Floo accident last year, and Severus's father doesn't approve - he wanted to elope, but I convinced him this was better..."

"I told you I would do it before you told me your entire life story, Miss Umbridge," said the priest, straightening his glasses.

"Of course," Umbridge said sweetly. "I just thought a bit of background..."

"This still doesn't explain why he's unconscious, which is what I asked you..." he checked his watch, "...three hours ago."

"Fainted," Umbridge said. "He's so full of anxiety. But we can start without him, right?"

"I don't know..."

Umbridge shoved a pile of gold in front of the priest. "We can start without him," she said firmly. The priest smiled to himself.

"Of course we can."

*~*

When Snape finally came to consciousness, he found himself in an unlikely position. He was standing up in the middle of an empty church, with Umbridge holding his hand and an old guy holding a book.

"...and do you, Severus Snape, hereby take Dolores Jane Umbridge, to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold? To love and cherish? Till death do you part?"

You do, said a small voice in the back of his head. You do... you love me... you love me so much...

"I do, do I?" Snape said out loud. He grinned slightly. He was fighting the curse! Ha! He was just as good as that little brat Potter, and twice as good-looking. Merlin, maybe three times.

Umbridge was such a sucker... "I wasn't aware - "

"I know pronounce you husband and wife," the priest said, slamming the book closed. "You may kiss the bride."

"WHAT? No, you don't understand..."

Umbridge was closing in on him... closing him into a corner... there was no escape...

"PLEASE! NO! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS...?"

Snape closed his eyes and felt himself spinning rapidly. He opened his eyes, and was taken completely aback.

Dumbledore was standing over him, looking down at him with a puzzled expression. Snape blinked. He looked up and saw that he was not in an old, empty church, but in his bedchambers, covered in sweat.

"W-where is she? Where is the Umbridge woman?"

"Dolores?" Dumbledore asked, frowning. "She is at the Ministry, I assume. Are you feeling all right, Severus?"

"But - but... it was a dream," Snape said finally. "A dream... no, not a dream... it couldn't have been a dream, no, of course not... it was a NIGHTMARE!"

"Severus, calm down," Dumbledore said calmly. Suddenly and quite unexpectedly, his face warped into Umbridge's. "Sevvie, it's ok... Dolores is here..."

Snape blinked.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

*~*

This fic was brought to you by the word hyper.

No walnuts were harmed in the making of this fic.

*~*

A/N: Please review! You can tell me how this story scarred you for life... If you liked it, or are interested in reading more, check out the HMS Potions and Prats! (that's the address right there... go on, you know you want to!)
http://www.fictionalley.org/fictionalleypark/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=37142
Also, check out my Snape/Umbridge fics on the Astronomy Tower!