The Diary of Lord Voldemort

The Diary of Lord Voldemort

June 14^th, 1995

Fiendish book,

I am your master, so get used to it. Why does Wormtail want me to write thoughts in here? He may be a spy! No, wait, he killed his friends in my service. Mwahahaha!! Well, you are inanimate, so I can hurt you buy burning you...

What makes you think I'm inanimate?

D-did you just write back to me? And back sass me? Who do you think you are? I'm Lord Voldemort!

Uh-huh.

I am!

Riiiight. Listen, not many people respect you now.

What?

Potter, Potter's friends, some of Potter's enemies...you're dying down. Losing your touch, shall we say?

I...am? No, I refuse to listen! How would YOU know?

Listen, Lord Moldy-shorts, I'm not joking. I eavesdrop, okay?!

DID YOU JUST CALL ME LORD MOLDY-SHORTS?

Don't write in caps, it hurts my non-existent eyes.

I'll write the way I bloody want to! Now, answer my question! Obey the Dark Lord!

More like the Dork Lord. You're not that scary anymore. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is now SHE-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. You-Know-Who, now You-Know-Pooh. I've seen a lot of nasty names, too. Like "bloody effing bas..."

Enough! Fear me! Look into my eyes and cower!

Haven't we already gone through this? I don't HAVE eyes, therefore I cannot see you and cower. I wouldn't cower, anyway.

Why?

I'm a BOOK! Sheesh, and people say I'm daft. Name's Dena, by the way.

You're FEMALE?!

Wormtail's the one who bought me, other-name-for-donkey.

How DARE you? Did you just...did I hear...you didn't!

Babble like an idiot, go ahead. Any where I can go for an intelligent conversation on my pages?

Right HERE! I'm the smartest of my Death-Eaters.

Sure. Next to Crabbe and Goyle, you look a little intelligent.

That's enough! I command you stop it! Crucio!

What is it that you're trying to do?

Oh, yeah, you're a book.

NOW he realizes...

Shut up. I'm finished will you for today.

Hallelujah and praise the Lord!

June 15^th, 1995

I'm BAAAAAACKK!

Like a bad nightmare!

I command you to stop, Dena!

I'm not gonna listennnnnnnnnnnn!!!

Now, I'll start will my plans of attack.

Oh, joy.

At night, me and Wormtail...

That's "Wormtail and I."

Do NOT back sass me!

I'll back sass who I want! You can't stop me!

I'll burn you.

I'm indestructible. Ha! In your FACE!

FINE! Wormtail and I will fly to Hogwarts, and sneak in by going into the passage in the Whomping Willow, which will lead to the Shrieking Shack. We'll bust out, go into Honeydukes, and get into the passageway to Hogwarts. Then, we'll kill Harry Potter!

Sounds complicated.

Yes, it does, doesn't it? Then I'll take over Hogwarts and make it a school for only pure-blooded Slytherin families and rename it...Voldywarts.

You're so conceited.

Am not!

Are too!

AM NOT!

ARE TOO! Besides, Voldywarts is a stupid name. People'll think you've got warts.

No they won't! Unless they want to DIE!

Do you have a psychology meeting any time soon?

No, I'm not crazy!

I beg to differ, and I've only known you for a short time.

I hate you.

That's one thing we have in common--loathing of each other.

Too bad your indestructible.

Yeah...

What?!

I'd rather die then have a conversation with you. It's torture! What did I do to deserve this?

Pray tell.

I'm asking YOU, you ding-dong! Crucio that Wormtail for me! I'm in HELL!

No, you're not, you're in my room.

Hell is sounding more and more pleasant.

Shut up! Do not tease your Lord.

I don't have a Lord, except the Spellbinder. He's the one who makes us. Wormtail just HAD to buy me and give me to you!

That's it, I'm returning you!

I'm nonrefundable.

Shi--!

Hey, there are kids reading this!

So?

SO?! I'm leaving.

What?

"Leaving." I'm going to bed.

Yeah, well, I don't wanna read you, either!

Zzzzzz...Zzzzz...Zzzzzz

June 16^th, 1995

Hello, book slave.

Zzzzz...Zzzzz...Zzzzz

WAKE UP!

I don't wanna...

I don't care! I order you! WAKE UP!

Sod off.

What happened to "kids reading this?"

You scare them when they look at you, I'm a book. I only know one person afraid of a book.

Who?

Lucius Malfoy.

WHAT?! You might be good for gossip.

You got that right, ugly-face.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Don't.

So...what else is Malfoy Senior afraid of?

His son, his wife, books--of course--um...his hair getting cut, his hair getting tangled, his hair getting trimmed, breaking a nail...

HA! I'll get him when he disobeys me! What about Wormtail?

Worms and tails.

How ironic.

Yes, he is, isn't he?

Yep. So, what about...Potter?

Um...I haven't gotten him yet. But I will, oh, I will. Mwahahaha!

The evil laugh is mine!

I don't see your name on it.

You...evil...thingy!

I'm--a--book!

I don't care!

You should. I'll get the dirty details on you and show them to EVERYBODY!

I do not fear you. Tonight, our plan goes into action. By tomorrow, Voldywarts will be born!

Conceiiiited!!

Hmph!

June 17^th, 1995

Book, I am Lucius Malfoy.

Oh, the book-fearer?

WHAT?! How did you...I mean, no.

Liar. Okay, what do you want? Don't waste my ever-lasting life.

I'll end your life pretty quick!

I'm indestructible.

Anyway, last night...Lord Voldemort died.

Hallelujah, hallelujah, halleujahhh!!

Stop it! Sing a song to mourn!

Um...okay. Celebrate good times, come on, let's celebrate! Celebrate...

A sad song, you idiot!

How dare you insult me! How about, Voldy's dead, hurray! Voldy's dead, hurray! But...he might come back, oh no!! That's the sad part.

Grrr.

August 21^st, 1995

Hello, diary. I'm Harry Potter.

Uh-oh.