Experiments with R, H, Hr, and D

Outside in April. Ron is gloomy, Hermione's reading a book, and Harry's just sitting.

Hermione: So, why are you miserable, Ron?

Ron: Snape! Could I be clearer?

Hermione: Yes.

Harry: "Eragon"? Hermione? That book, again?

Hermione: *glares at Harry* Who cares? It's a Muggle book, so keep out.

Chelsa (Lil_Diva_O_Darkness' friend {call her Ani_Magi}): She's right, and it is good.

Renee (L_D_O_D's other friend--call her ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL): Yeah, Ani_Magi told us about it.

Harry: *stares at the sky fearfully* W-who are you voices?!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Well, I'm the author of this story. This is ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL, and this is Ani_Magi. Hey, do you guys know when Katelyn's comin'?

Katelyn (MizParselmouth): Hi! Am I late?

Ani_Magi: No, you're right on time.

Ron: *biting his fingernails (what a sissy)* W-why can't we see y-y-you?

*Lil_Diva_O_Darkness, Ani_Magi, ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL, and MizParselmouth pop up out of nowhere*

Ron: AHHHH!

Ani_Magi: Shut up, ya wimp. Anyways, we are *points to Lil_Diva_O_Darkness* the author and *points to ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL, MizParselmouth, and herself* the author's best friends.

ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL: Yep, and we're here to take you away. *does a little (but very scary--at lest in my mind) jig* Take me away, we'll hop in a car, lalalalalalalalalalaaaa!!

MizParselmouth: *covers her ears while muttering* See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil...

Ani_Magi: Yes, we are here to take you, Harry, Ron, and Hermione, away.

Hermione: Why? Just curious.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: We're gonna test you. We're Muggles, so this will be very interesting.

Ron: You're WHAT?! Then how did you pop up out of nowhere?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Hey, I'm the author, so anything I type, goes. I wub Microsoft Word! Mwahahaha!

Ron: *cowers* Please don't hurt us, we're on 15.

MizParselmouth: *rolls her eyes* You dolt, we're thirteen, we're not gonna hurt you!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: *looks at Ron wickedly* Well, you know, if he insists...

Ron: *panicking* I don't insist, I don't insist, I DON'T INSIST! WAAAAA!

Ani_Magi: What a baby.

ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL: You got that right. Now, where were we? Ah, yes, so we are going to study you, see how good of a witch and wizards you are, and report them to Professor Dumbledore and the Ministry of Magic--you know, for future applications in careers. How does that sound?

Ron: *in a small voice* Scary.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: If you don't shut up, I'll make it scary.

Harry: Will there be an inspection?

Ani_Magi: Why? *suddenly suspicious and accusing* You're selling drugs, aren't you?

*MizParselmouth, Lil_Diva_O_Darkness, ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL, and Ani_Magi start laughing really hard*

Ani_Magi: *suddenly stopped laughing* I'm serious. Aren't you, Harry James Potter?

Harry: *calmly* No, I was just wondering. *now scared, panicky, and begging* Please don't hurt me!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Do they want to be hurt, these guys?

Ron: Why is she turning everything we say around?!

Hermione: Reverse psychology.

Ron: Ohhhh. Hurt me, hurt me!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: *kicks him* Reverse, reverse psychology.

Ron: *rolling on the ground in pain* I hate you, Hermione.

Hermione: Bite me.

Ron: *opens mouth*

Hermione: Gaah! It's reverse psychology!

Ani_Magi: *stomps on Ron's foot* Touch anyone, and you die. And that goes for with your mouth, too.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: *pointing aaand squealing* Look, look! It's Draco Malfoy! SQUEEE!

*Lil_Diva_O_Darkness runs over to Draco and traps him in a hug--Draco looks disturbed*

Draco: Uh...hi?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Oh my GOD, you're even hotter in person! I'm a Muggle, but would you like to be part of an experiment? Harry, Ron, and Hermione are in it, too. It's for future careers. Pleeeeeease?

Draco: Sure. Can I curse them?

Ani_Magi: Paws off Harry and Hermione, they're cool. But Ron's all yours.

Ron: *staring at Draco in terror* Meep!

MizParselmouth: Welcome aboard the Experiment Express, Mister Malfoy.

ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL: Hi, I'm Renee, but call me ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL.

Ani_Magi: I'm Chelsa, but everyone calls me Ani_Magi.

MizParselmouth: Katelyn--MizParselmouth.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: *all excited and clinging to Draco's arm* I'm Rachel, Lil_Diva_O_Darkness to my friends, but you can call me Trouble.

Draco: *laughs*

*Animagi laughs, MizParselmouth rolls her eyes and giggles, and ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL hurriedly gets Ron, Harry, and Hermione in a carriage pulled by white horses. Then she laughs*

ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL: Well, shall we go? You'll be gone for a while--probably six months. And then, we'll kill Ron and see how the rest of you get along.

Ron: *stares at ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL like she's Freddy Krueger*

ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL: Kidding! It's against our code to kill the lab rats.

Draco: Or, in his case, lab weasels.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Isn't he hilarious? So witty. *dreamy sigh*

Ani_Magi: He's two years older, Lil_Diva.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Now, get into the carriage, Draco, dear...

*Pansy Parkinson spots them*

Pansy: Dracikins! Where are you going?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: *shoves Draco gently into the carriage and glares the Glare of Murder at Pansy* Back of, ya hag, he's MINE! *laughs maniacally and get in the carriage, sitting next to Draco* Go Dasher, go Prancer, go Donner, go Blitzen! Go Porky, go Blaze, go Merin, go Idon'tgiveacarewhatyournameis!

Ani_Magi: That was MizParselmouth's idea. We were naming the horses, and we asked her to name the last one. She actually said "Idon'tgiveaDAMNwhatyournameis," but Lil_Diva was trying to keep this story G-rated, so we changed it.

Hermione: *nods* So...how long have you been interested in magic?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Ever since the first Harry Potter book.

Harry: Book?! There's a book after me?!

Ani_Magi: Actually, five. And three movies. Maybe if you're good, we'll let you watch them.

MizParselmouth: So, when are your birthdays?

Harry: Mine's...

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Yours is on July 31^st. Hermione's is on September 19^th. I don't care when Ron's is, but Draco, please tell.

Draco: February 21^st.

Ron: Mine's March 1^st!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: *stares at him acidly* I don't care if your birthday's on the twelve of never! Shut up, will you please?

Ron: *mumbling incoherent words, only of which that can be heard are "Muggles" and "didn't ask you anyway"*

Ani_Magi: shut it, or I'll introduce you to Spike.

Ron: *giving her a weird look* Who's Spike?

ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL: Her pet...

Ron: *interrupts* What, dog? Ooooh, scary!

ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL: I wasn't done. No, not dog. Her pet tarantula.

Ron: *goes pale* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: He's actually very sweet. He doesn't bite anyone. But, hopefully he'll make and exception for you, Ron.

Ron: Why are you guys so rude to me?

Ani_Magi: Well, Lil_Diva is mostly because Draco is.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: That, and we all have R.W.S.I.

ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL: Which means Ronald Weasley Sinus Infection.

MizParselmouth: Which further means we're allergic to you. But, luckily, we took our medicine this morning.

Ani_Magi: Yes, that's the good part. The bad part is it's 90% sugar. At least it's bad for you, not us.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Except for that time I took too much and accidentally kissed the lamp.

Ani_Magi: What were you trying to kiss, anyway?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: *blushes* M-my Draco Malfoy life-sized poster.

Draco: *looks pleased that he's getting so much attention* W-wait, how'd you get a life-sized poster of me?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Well, I met your father one day--you know what the older witches call him? Lucius "Luscious" Malfoy. I made a trade. My known whereabouts of Sirius Black, for your poster.

Harry: WHAT?!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Chill. Sirius has been dead for, like, a month already. I told him about the whereabouts. Blondes can be stupid, but not Draco. *stares at Draco fondly.*

Draco: Can I burn the poster?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: *startled* Why? *calms down, and stares at him* You wanna take it's place? Your poster-self is shirtless.

Draco: Not that I'm flattered, but I don't think I'd appreciate having you drool. *Lil_Diva's face starts crumpling with hurt* Because you'd mess up your pretty face!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: *bright and cheerful now* Oh, that's so sweet. *glares at Harry and Ron* Why can't you be like that?

Ron: *glaring at Draco* He just wants you to join his fan club.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: I have already...twice.

Harry: *laughs* You're obsessed.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: No, no just obsessed. "Can't live without him" obsessed. And if you ever tell someone I hate, Spike will not only meet you, but he'll devour you, got it?

Draco: Whoa, she's a feisty one!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: *beaming at him* Thanks, DragonSlayer.

Draco: What?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: DragonSlayer. Since Draco mean dragon I thought you could be DragonSlayer--seeing as how you manage to keep Pansy away from you. *starts muttering, and the only things audible are "you're better than her," "she doesn't deserve to live on the same planet," and "I'll send her into orbit as soon as I can find gloves thick enough to protect me from her bloody bishness"*

Ani_Magi: So, Harry, what was it like to lose your parents at such a vulnerable age?

*ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL takes out a notebook and pen, and starts writing the conversation happening--kinda like an interview*

Harry: I was one, I can't remember.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Oh, no, you're not getting off that easily. Tell us, or die.

Draco: Not only is she obsessed with me, but she seems very interested at the concept of pain and death.

Harry: Okay! I-i-it was bloody AWFUL, okay? Sometimes I still think, 'Why did Mum protect me? Why did I have to live with this pain?' *breaks off in sobs*

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: *puts an arm around Harry* Shhhh, it's okay. You'll see them again.

Draco: Hey, I thought you were obsessed with me!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: I am, I'm just trying to soothe a grieving heart. I'm not totally heartless, you know.

Ron: I beg to differ.

Ani_Magi: Shut Up, or I'll beat you with my flip-flop--which is not at all pleasant.

Harry: Oh, Merlin, they're all obsessed with pain and death! What kind of carriage is this?!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Ooops, we didn't tell you. *coughMISTAKEcough*

Hermione: What? Why?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Well, during the day, we call this the "Glory Bound Express." It's white with gold cushions, pulled by white horses, ya know...

Ron: So?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: At night, it's totally different. The white becomes black, and the gold becomes blood-red. Then it's called the "Flaming Express of DOOM!" You see, the horses are...Innoers.

Hermione: *gasp* No!

Harry: *confused* Innoers?

Ron: *even more confused, it's almost funny* What are those?

MizParselmouth: They're sweet, innocent, white, and fun-loving horses during the day, and brutal, killing, blood-hungry, and black horses at night.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: That's why I love them.

Ron: *stares at Lil_Diva* Do you need a Healer? Are you mental?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: *kicks Ron in the stomach* NNNo, I'm not! But it looks like you need a Healer. OH MY GOD! I TOUCHED HIM! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! RABIES!!! GET 'EM OFF, GET 'EM OFF!

Ron: Wow, and people say I overreact.

Ani_Magi: *leans over and pinches Ron*

Ron: OW!!!!!! MY ARM! MY ARM! I'M DYING, I'M DYING, AHHHH!! IT'S ON FIRE, MY ARM'S ON FIRE! AHHHHH!!! GOOD BYE, CRUEL WORLD!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: He does overreact.

*

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Well, here we are--our laboratory.

Draco: It's big.

Ani_Magi: Of course it is. Then again, half of it is a dance studio.

Ron: A what? I thought you were scientists.

MizParselmouth: We are. It's Lil_Diva's. Not only is she obsessed with Draco, pain and death, and science, but singing and dancing, too.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: What? It keeps me skinny. I'm thirteen and only 72 pounds. (seriously, me, the author, I'm Lil_Diva.)

Hermione: What kind of tests will you perform?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: How well you work with your wands, spells, how accurate you spell cast, stuff like that...

Harry: May I be excused for anything that will follow?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: No! We need you to enhance the story! The plot will thicken with you!

Harry: How cliché, can't the plot ever thin?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Not while my computer's running.

Ron: I'll go cut the wires.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: *glares* Touch that computer, and the pain I will inflict on you will be so enormous, knifes and saws will only seem like a tickle!

Ron: *cowers* Do you have to be so brutal?

Ani_Magi: Yes, she does, now say hello to your new home. For at least six months.

ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL: I hope you don't mind the small sleepinf quarters. You see, most of it's taken up by the lab and dance studio. We only have a small room with four beds and a chest of drawers. A bathroom connects with it, though.

Draco: Well, it'll have to do.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Don't you like it, DragonSlayer? I built it--actually, no, I didn't, Christina Aguilera did.

Hermione: Christina Aguilera?! How'd you get her to work for you?

MizParselmouth: Money. Plain and simple.

Draco: How much did you give her?

Ani_Magi: 2 million.

Harry: 2 million, and you couldn't give us better sleeping quarters?!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Shut it, it was designed specifically for you. But my DragonSlayer has the comfiest bed.

Ron: Why?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Because I typed it and it is now in the world of computer. Get over it.

Ron: *muttering*

MizParselmouth: Stiff it, or we'll feed you to our Innoers.

Draco: Me, too?

Ani_Magi: No, Lil_Diva would skin us alive.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Yep, I would. Now, I'm gonna go dance. Anyone want to join me? *looks hopefully at Draco*

Draco: Well, I was going to explore and maybe think of ways to torture Pansy.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Oh, okay! Whatever you want, DragonSlayer. Anyone else?

Harry: I'll go.

Hermione: So will I.

Ani_Magi: Yeah, you three go ahead. ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL, MizParselmouth, and I will torture--I mean, test Ron for a bit.

*

In the Lab's Dance studio. Hermione and Harry are in their uniforms, while Lil_Diva is in a pair of sweats and a white tee.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: So, who knows how to dance? Besides me.

Hermione: I've had a little experience. School talent shows.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Well, at least it's experience.

*Lil_Diva starts music*

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Up, down, thrash, head bop, twiiiiirl!!!

Hermione: *trying to keep up* What song is this?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: "Do Somethin'" by Britney Spears. I see you lookin' at me, like I'm some kinda freak, get up outta your seat, why don't you do somethin'?

Harry: Can't--breath. Need--Oxygen.

*

In the lab, everyone is there.

Ron: How was dancing?

Harry: Lil_Diva was the only one who could dance like that.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: You danced fairly well for the first time in hip-hop.

Draco: Potter, dancing? Hahahahahahahahaha! HA!!

Harry: At least I can.

Draco: So can I. *starts dancing salsa-y*

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Yay! Go Draco, go Draco, go Draco...

Ani_Magi: Can we get with experimenting?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Aaaw, five more minutes of him dancing, pleez?

Ani_Magi: Fine.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: *joins in*

*five minutes slowly pass*

Ani_Magi: Cast a simple Levitating Charm.

Hermione: *swish and flick* Wingardium Leviosa. *the spell works*

Harry: *swish and flick* Wingardium Leviosa. *the spell kinda works. I mean, it does, just not as good as Hermione's*

Draco: *swish and flick* Wingardium Leviosa. *spell works*

Ron: *waves arms like windmills* Wingardium Leviosar. *he explodes*

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Huzzah!

Hermione: Ron's a stupid git. Reparo.

Ron: I LIVE! *rises up like zombie*

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Aawww...

Ani_Magi: You failed the first test, Ronald Bilius Weasley! Do you know how this will effect your future?

Harry: Your middle name's Bilius?! HAHAHAHA!!

Ron: Shut up, at least my parents aren't dead.

*Lil_Diva_O_Darkness, Ani_Magi, ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL, MizParselmouth, Hermione, Harry, and even Draco gasp*

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Gimme that! *snatches Harry's wand* Avada--

Harry: No! He's right.

Ani_Magi: Let's emotionally kill him instead of physically! You're poor!

ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL: You're ugly! *whispers U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly, yeah yeah, you ugly, yeah yeah*

MizParselmouth: You have a bad temper!

Draco: You're a weasel!

Hermione: You're an idiot.

Ron: *gasp* Hermione!

Hermione: Shut up, ya weasel.

Ron: Stop it! Don't make me cry!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: I've never seen an ugly 15-year-old red-head cry. Keep mocking him! "Duh, I'm Ron Weasley, durr, I'm stupid, duhee!"

Ron: *cries*

Ani_Magi: Yay!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: We've succeeded!

Ron: I-I t-t-told you n-not to make me c-c-c-cry.

ThEsKeTcHmEnTaL: *angelically* We did anyway.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: The devil on my shoulder's telling me to tie him in the Innoers stable. The angel is saying, "No, you mustn't! Be good!" Ah, screw the angel, it's feeding time!

Ron: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Ani_Magi: For once, will you listen to the angel?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: ...why?

Ani_Magi: Because, it'll take you to Heaven.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: What is this "Heaven" that you speak of?

Ani_Magi: Pearly gates, roads of gold?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Roads of gold, hot-dog!

Ani_Magi: So, will you be good.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Let me think. Um...no. I'm not called "Lil_Diva_O_Darkness" for nothing! Besides, the devi--actually, devillete-minion--which is named Roxxi, is nicer. The angel's name is Emmi and she's evil!!!

Emmi: Are you mental?

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Yes, thanl you for noticing--hey, wait! See?!

Roxxi: Shut up, Emmi. You're just jealous 'cause she likes me better.

Emmi: Ha! Yeah, right.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Yeah, right. I like Roxxi better.

Roxxi: Good choice. All Emmi will do is lead you down the Path of Righteousness.

Emmi: It's better than the path of Hell!

Roxxi: How?

Emmi: ...I hate you.

Roxxi: Aha! IMPOSTER! Angels aren't supposed to hate!

Emmi: Your master, Satan, was an angel.

Roxxi: He was. Now's he's the angel of EVIL! Mwahahahahaha!

Ron: Can they...poof away?

Roxxi: Why, afraid I'll stab you? *stabs pitchfork at air*

Emmi: Sure. *poof*

Roxxi: Lil_Diva, those Innoers are getting hungry...

Ron: Meep!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: I'm sorry, Roxxi. We can't kill our lab rats.

Ron: Phew.

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: As soon as this is over, then we'll feed him to the Innoers.

Ron: AHHHHH!

Roxxi: Hurray! *poofs away...for now*

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Roxxi's like the child I've never had...*sniff*

Ron: WHAT?! You're THIRTEEN!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Fine. She's like the little sister I've never had.

*Knock on door, someone enters*

Spoildgurrl (Kayla, Lil_Diva's sister): Excuse me?!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: *sigh* She's like the perfect little sister I've never had, OKAY?! Sheesh.

Spoildgurrl: WHAT?!

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: *calmly* Take it out on Ron.

Spoildgurrl: Okay. Roxxi, may I borrow your pitchfork?

Roxxi: *poofs back*

Ron: Oh, no! It's the insane psycho freak from HELL!

Roxxi: I see you haven't forgotten me. Sure, Spoildgurrl. Gotta make it bigger, though. I'm a Shoulder-Devil-Minion. *enlarges pitchfork*

Ron: *Notices the tips are extremely sharp*

Roxxi: I sharpen the tips every morning, to make sure it hurts.

Spoildgurrl: *stabs Ron viciously over and over*

Ron: Ow...ow...ow...ow...OW!!!

Spoildgurrl: I'm okay. I'm calm now.

Ron: Does insanity run in your FAMILY?! Is it hereditary?

Spoildgurrl: That's it...*starts stabbing again*

Lil_Diva_O_Darkness: Will Ron die? You'll have to find out in the next chapter. In the words of Porky the Pig...t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t *shivers*...all right, who turned down the furnace? That's all folks...until the next chapter. Mwahahaha!!