Four "Friends" and One Really Freaky Book: An MST

Chapter Six: Aww!

Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall bent forward over the bundle of blankets.

James: Oh, great, he's only a baby and he has to deal with McGonagall glaring at him.

Inside, just visible, was a

Remus: Very large mushroom with black hair and glasses.

Lily: *to James* Oh, if you give my son your bad eyesight and horrid hair, there will be hell to pay.

baby boy, fast asleep. Under a tuft of jet-black hair

Lily: *shakes fist at James* If there's a whiff of uncontrollability in that black hair...

over his forehead they could see a curiously shaped cut,

Lily: What? Why was he cut? Potter!

James: *to Sirius* What should I do?

Sirius: Say it wasn't you!

James: *to Lily* Wasn't me!

Lily: You can't fool me, I know that song!

like a bolt of lightning.

Lily: That's sick, Potter.

James: But--But I--Wasn't me!

"Is that where--? " whispered Professor McGonagall.

"Yes", said Dumbledore. "He'll have that scar forever."

Lily: *growls* Even the professors know about your child-abusing--

James: I didn't! I swear!

"Couldn't you do something about it, Dumbledore?"

"Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in useful. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.

Remus: Well...maybe there isn't anything between McGonagall and Dumbledore--I mean, if she doesn't know about this scar...

James: Hmm, good point. Guess it must be Pomfrey and Dumbledore.

Well--give him here, Hagrid--we'd better get this over with."

Remus: Sounds like they're sacrificing little Harry.

Lily: WHAT?

Remus: *alarmed* Joking! Only joking!

Dumbledore took Harry in his arms and turned towards the Dursleys' house.

Lily: NOOOOOOO! *stops* Oh, that is so cliché. I mean, could any of you believe it when Darth Vader stood up for the first time and went "NOOOO!" I mean, come on, The Simpsons parodied that into obliviation, what was Lucas thinking? Worst line in the whole movie, except for maybe when Padmae and Anakin were talking and Anakin was all...

Boys: *exchange looks*

Sirius: I'll...just...hamster.

"Could I--could I say goodbye to him, sir?" asked Hagrid. He bent his great, shaggy head over Harry and

Remus: Ate him.

James: Hey!

gave what must have been a very scratchy, whiskery kiss.

Lily: Child-molester!

Then, suddenly, Hagrid let out a howl like a wounded dog.

All: Aww...

"Shhh!" hissed Professor McGonagall, "you'll wake the Muggles!"

"S-s- sorry," sobbed Hagrid, taking out a large spotted handkerchief

James: He still has that thing?

and burying his face in it. "But I c-c-can't stand it--Lily an' James dead

James: Is anyone else starting to get really, really freaked out by this?

Lily: *raises hand*

Remus: We're okay, we're not dead yet.

--an' poor little Harry off ter live with Muggles--"

Lily: *hisses*

"Yes, yes, it's all very sad, but get a grip on yourself, Hagrid, or we'll be found," Professor McGonagall whispered,

James: McGonagall never was one for sympathy.

patting Hagrid gingerly

Remus: Gingerly.

James: Can we get through a page without you having to comment on a word?

Remus: Yes.

James: ...Okay then.

on the arm as Dumbledore

Lily: *hisses*

James: Hey, what'd Dumbledore do?

Lily: He's bringing my child to his death.

Remus: That's a bit exaggerated.

Lily: You don't know my sister.

stepped over the low garden wall and walked to the front door. He laid Harry gently on the doorstep, took a letter out of his cloak, tucked it inside Harry's blankets

James: I suppose that's in case he gets hungry during the night.

Lily: My baby! Hungry!

Remus: Wait...didn't the newsreader say it would rain that night?

Lily: My baby! Dumbledore, you sick man! Save my baby!

and then came back to the other two. For a full minute the three of them

Sirius: Danced joyously.

Remus: Sang a hymn.

James: Traded shoes.

Lily: KILLED MY BABY.

Remus: Traded shoes? What?

stood and looked at the little bundle;

Lily: Take a picture, it'll last longer! *sob*

Hagrid's shoulders shook, Professor McGonagall blinked furiously and the twinkling light that usually shone in Dumbledore's eyes seemed to have gone out.

Lily: *wiping tears* He needs that bulb replaced.

"Well," said Dumbledore finally, "that's that. We've no business staying here. We may as well go and join the celebrations."

Lily: You horrid man.

"Yeah," said Hagrid in a very muffled voice, "I'll be takin' Sirius his bike back.

Sirius: That's right, you will!

G'night, Professor McGonagall--Professor Dumbledore, sir." Wiping his streaming eyes on his jacket

Lily: This is a little upsetting. You notice how they cry about my son going to live with my sister, and yet I'm dead somewhere and they don't cry about me.

sleeve, Hagrid swung himself onto the motorbike and kicked the engine into life; with a roar it rose into the air and off into the night.

"I shall see you soon, I expect, Professor McGonagall," said Dumbledore, nodding to her. Professor McGonagall blew her nose in reply.

Remus: Aw, this is so touching.
Sirius: *touches Remus's shoulder*

Remus: Um.

Dumbledore turned and walked back down the street. On the corner he stopped and took out the silver Put-Outer.

James: *wistful sigh*

He clicked it once

Sirius: Click.

and twelve balls of light sped back to their

Lily: Mothers. MY BABY.

Remus: Evans has finally cracked.

James: No, she was cracked before, now she's completely broken.

Remus: No, I disagree. She wasn't cracked before, she was just a little chipped.

Sirius: *starts laughing hysterically*

James/Remus: What?

Sirius: It's--like--she's--a--pot!

*pause*

Sirius: Like--a--Potter!

James: *whacks Sirius's head*

Lily: *sob*

street lamps so Privet Drive glowed suddenly orange and he could make out

Sirius: With McGonagall.

Lily: *through her sobs* Ew!

a tabby cat slinking

Lily: Like a slinky! *is suddenly not crying at all, no red eyes, no tears, nada* I love slinkies!

Boys: *exchange confused looks*

around the corner at the other end of the street. He could just see the bundle of blankets

Remus: Harry having rolled out of the blankets and was tumbling happily down the street--

James: Hey! Lily only just recovered here! Let's play nice!

Lily: *hisses*

on the step of number four. A breeze ruffled the hedges of Privet Drive, which lay silent and tidy under the inky sky,

Boys: Inky!

Lily: I still can't believe you've made the giant squid your pet.

Remus: Inky is the best squid in the world.

James: So well-behaved. *to Lily* We've been secretly training him to squirt ink at people we don't like.

the very last place you would expect astonishing things to happen. Harry Potter rolled over inside his blankets without waking up.

Lily: Aww.

One small hand closed on the letter beside him

Lily: Aww.

and he slept on,

Lily: Aww.

not knowing he was special,

Lily: Aww.

James: Special? What do they mean by that?

not knowing he was famous,

Lily: Aww.

Remus: James, can't you shut her up?

Lily: Hey. My son is adorable. Didn't you see how special he was?

not knowing he would be woken in a few hours' time by Mrs. Dursley's scream as she opened the front door to put out the milk bottles,

Lily: *steams through ears* That evil! I hate her!

nor that he would spend the next few weeks being prodded and pinched by his cousin Dudley

Lily: THAT HORRID PIECE OF SATAN!

James: *pats Lily on the shoulder*

... he couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country

Remus: If these are the same people as before, I wouldn't say they were being very secret.

were holding up their glasses

James: *takes off glasses and holds them up in front of him*

Lily: *rolls eyes*

and saying in hushed voices: "To Harry Potter--the boy who lived!"

All: Aww.

Sirius: *turns page* Chapter Two?

Remus: Go ahead.