Four "Friends" and One Really Freaky Book: An MST

Chapter Five: Pretty Fly for a White Guy

But--he couldn't.

All: What?

He couldn't kill that little boy.

James: What the--

Remus: Shh! Keep reading, Padfoot!

No one knows why, or how,

James: Or who, or where, or what, or...or...

Sirius: Or why!

James: Yeah!

but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter, Voldemort's power somehow broke--

Remus: CRASH. Wasn't me.

and that's why he's gone."

*silence*

James: No.

*silence*

James: No. Bloody. Way.

Remus: Yes. Yes! Don't you remember, Prongs? We already figured it out...Something must've happened, if the curse reflected back at Voldemort, and defeated him...killed him...

Dumbledore nodded glumly.

"It's--it's true?" faltered Professor McGonagall. "After all he's done...all the people he's killed...he couldn't kill a little boy? It's just astounding...of all the things to stop him...but how in the name of

James: James Potter.

Lily: *rolls eyes*

heaven did Harry survive?"

Remus: Luck?

"We can only guess," said Dumbledore. "We may never know."

Lily: Oh, come on, Dumbledore's got to know.

Professor McGonagall pulled out a lace handkerchief

Sirius: Fancy.

and dabbed at her eyes beneath her spectacles.

Remus: I love that word. Spectacles.

James/Sirius: Shut it, Moony.

Dumbledore gave a great sniff

Remus: Must be for Evans again.

Lily: Yup.

as he took a golden watch from his pocket and examined it. It was a very odd watch. It had twelve hands but no numbers; instead, little planets were moving around the edge.

Remus: Ooh, nice.

Sirius: *in disgust* Regulus has one of those watches.

James: I have one of those watches.

Sirius: *glares*

James: What?

It must have made sense to Dumbledore, though,

Lily: Muggles don't understand those watches.

Boys: Oh...

because he put it back in his pocket and said, "Hagrid's late.

All: Hagrid! *happy*

I suppose it was he who told you I'd be here, by the way?"

"Yes," said Professor McGonagall. "And I don't suppose you're going to tell me why you're here, of all places?"

James: I'm guessing it must have something to do with the Dursleys.

Lily: NO! NO!

Remus: Evans! It's okay--

Lily: NO!

James: What the hell...

Lily: SHE IS NOT GETTING MY BABY!

Remus: Evans-- *grabs Lily's shoulder*

James: I'm not giving my son to those--those--evils!

Lily: WHERE ARE EMMELINE AND ALICE? WHY CAN'T THEY GET HARRY?

Remus: Lily! It's okay! It's only a book!

Lily: NO IT'S NOT! THEY'RE NOT GETTING MY SON! *stands up, pulling on hair frantically* This isn't real! This isn't happening!

Remus: *makes to stand up*

James: *gets up and hugs Lily* It's okay, it's okay...

Sirius: Er...*clears throat*

Remus: *to Sirius* Shush, let them have a moment.

Sirius/Remus: *lean their heads together, watching James comforting Lily* Aw...

*two minutes later the couch arrangement is as follows: Remus, Sirius, James, Lily*

"I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle.

Lily: *hisses*

Sirius: *to Remus in undertone* Well, that's a new noise.

They're the only family he has left now."

James: Wait. What about...what about my...

Lily: Oh...oh.

Remus: Let's read on. This is depressing.

"You don't mean--you can't mean the people who live here?" cried Professor McGonagall, jumping to her feet and pointing at number four. "Dumbledore--you can't.

James: That's right!

Lily: w00t w00t McGonagall! You tell him, girlfriend!

Remus: What?

I've been watching them all day.

Sirius: McGonagall the stalker.

Remus: Scary thoughts.

Sirius: Hamsters.

*silence*

Sirius: Sorry, I just felt that it had been too long since the last--

James: Read, Padfoot.

You couldn't find two people who are less like us.

Lily: Amen, sister! Testify! Testify!

And they've got this son--I saw him kicking his mother all the way up the street, screaming for sweets.

Remus/Lily/Sirius: *sidelong glance at James*

James: What?

Harry Potter come and live here!"

Lily: Blasphemy.

"It's the best place for him,"

Lily: HA! HA! YOU DON'T KNOW--

James: Lily!

Lily: *silent*

Remus: *to Sirius* I'm impressed.

Lily: YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, POTTER?

James: *wincing* Nothing, Evans.

said Dumbledore firmly. "His aunt and uncle will be able to explain everything to him when he's older. I've written them a letter."

Lily: A letter?

"A letter?" repeated Professor McGonagall faintly,

Sirius: Hey Evans, you and McGonagall are kindred spirits.

Lily: *gives Sirius a McGonagall stern look*

Sirius: *shivers* That's just creepy.

sitting back down on the wall. "Really, Dumbledore, you think you can explain all this in a letter?

Remus: Honestly, if Dumbledore thinks it'll work, then it probably will.

These people will never understand him!

All: Oh no!

He'll be famous--a legend--

James: *sigh* My own dreams--and my son has achieved them as a baby.

I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in the future

All: Harry Potter Day!

James: All my own dreams...

--there will be books written about Harry--

Remus: Like this one!

James: All my own...

Lily: *twitch*

every child in our world will know his name!"

James: All m--

Lily: Oh, I dare you.

"Exactly," said Dumbledore, looking very seriously

Sirius: Hehe. That's my name!

James/Remus: Sirius Lee!

Lily: You're name is Sirius Lee?

Sirius: Ham-ham-hamsters, yes!

Lily: ...so...you're telling me...that you're...HA...you're Sirius Lee Black...Seriously Black? *has laughing fit* I don't think so...but I do have to say...you are pretty fly... *laughs*

Boys: *exchange curious looks*

over the top of his half-moon glasses. "It would be enough to turn any boy's head.

Boys: *turn heads*

Famous before he can walk and talk! Famous for something he won't even remember! Can't you see how much better off he'll be, growing up away from all that until he's ready to take it?"

Lily: NO! Not with my sister, it won't be better! Can't they find somewhere secluded to bring him up, maybe with a really nice Muggle family or something, but NOT MY SISTER!

Professor McGonagall opened her mouth, changed her mind, swallowed and then said, "Yes--yes, you're right, of course.

James: Ah, Dumbledore's worn her down already.

Lily: Excuse me?

James: Nothing.

But how is the boy getting here, Dumbledore?" She eyed his cloak suddenly as though she thought he might be hiding Harry underneath it.

Lily: Frightening thought.

"Hagrid's bringing him."

All: Hagrid! *happy*

"You think it--wise--to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?"

James: Hey, what's that supposed to mean?

"I would trust Hagrid with my life," said Dumbledore.

*pause*

James: Okay, maybe I wouldn't quite go that far...

"I'm not saying his heart isn't in the right place,"

Sirius: It could be between his toes, you never know.

Lily: That was awful.

Remus: Why say "awful"? I mean, when you really think about it, doesn't "awful" just say "awe-full"? So wouldn't that make the adjective "awful" mean "full of awe"? And have you ever realised--

Sirius: *interrupts with the reading, loudly*

said Professor McGonagall grudgingly, "but you can't pretend he's not careless.

Lily: Yeah you can pretend, bet I can pretend, how much you bet, Professor?

He does tend to--what was that?"

Sirius: Oh no! We'll never get to find out what Hagrid tends to do!

A low rumbling sound had broken the silence around them.

Remus: Uh-oh, Padfoot's hungry.

It grew steadily louder as they looked up and down the street for some sign of a headlight; it swelled to a roar as they both looked up at the sky - and a huge motorcycle fell out of the air

Sirius: Question.

Lily: A motorcycle is a mode of transportation for Muggles. They make really loud noises, but they don't normally fly. And they're considered especially cool vehicles.

Sirius: Sweet.

and landed on the road in front of them. If the motorcycle was huge, it was nothing to the man sitting astride it.

James: What happened to Hagrid? I mean, why's he so big?

Remus: *shrug* I thought he just got in the way of some jinx, or drank the wrong potion or something, made his bones bigger.

Lily: Really? I'd always thought he was a bit giant.

Sirius: *shakes his head* Nuh-uh, Evans--I'm giant. *waggles eyebrows*

Lily: *disgusted face*

He was almost twice as tall as a normal man and at least five times as wide. He looked simply too big to be allowed,

Remus: That's a fair description.

and so wild--long tangles of bushy black hair and beard hid most of his face, he had hands the size of dustbin lids and his feet in their leather boots were like baby dolphins.

Lily: Aw, baby dolphins.

Boys: Girls...

In his vast, muscular arms he was holding a bundle of blankets.

Lily/James: Harry!

Remus: They didn't say Harry, they said a bundle of blankets.

Lily: And what exactly are you suggesting with that comment? *threatening look*

"Hagrid," said Dumbledore, sounding relieved.

Remus: Hmm, considering that Dumbledore would trust Hagrid with his life, he seems very relieved that he did make it.

"At last. And where did you get that motorcycle?"

Remus: Stole it.

James: Made it.

Sirius: Hallucinated it.

Lily: Whittled it.

"Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sir," said the giant,

Lily: Ooh, giant, maybeetles I was right!

Remus: Maybeetles?

Lily: I'm allowed to make up words.

climbing carefully off the motorcycle as he spoke. "Young Sirius Black lent it me.

Sirius: WHOA!

James: Hey, you're in the book!

Remus: Where am I?

Lily: I should've known that you'd get a motorbike, Black. You're the sort.

I've got him, sir."

"No problems, were there?"

"No, sir--house was almost destroyed but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin' round. He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol."

Lily: Aw, my baby.

James: And my baby.

Lily: No.

James: What?

Lily: No.

James: What d'you mean, NO?

Lily: I mean that he is not your baby.

James: How so?

Lily: Oh believe me, I'll think of something.