Four "Friends" and One Really Freaky Book: An MST

Chapter Four: Oh...it's Magic!

Dumbledore slipped the Put-Outer back inside his cloak and set off sown the street towards number four, where he sat down on the wall next to the cat. He didn't look at it, but after a moment he spoke to it.

Lily: Apostrophe!

Boys: What?

Lily: Apostrophe! When you talk to someone that isn't there or to an inanimate object or animal as if it could respond!†

Boys: *blank looks*

Lily: What a shame you missed out on Muggle school.

"Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall."

James/Remus/Sirius: *scream*

Remus: When'd she get there?

James: Of course she was there...she's everywhere...

Boys: *shifty eyes*

Sirius: She's possessing Evans!

Lily: *smacks Sirius*

He turned to smile at the tabby, but it had gone.

All: Ooh...

James: Wow, it's like magic!

Sirius/Lily/Remus: *laugh*

James: ...

Lily/Remus: *stop laughing, look at James in shock, as they can't believe he was really serious*

Sirius: *laughter has turned evil*

Instead he was smiling at a rather severe-looking woman

Lily: Well, that's one way to describe Professor McGonagall.

who was wearing square glasses exactly the shape of the markings the cat had had around its eyes. She, too, was wearing a cloak, an emerald one. Her black hair was drawn into a tight bun. She looked distinctly ruffled.

Remus: The word "ruffled" shouldn't describe people. It's for objects such as feathers. Ruffled feathers.

Sirius: Unless McGonagall has feathers.

Remus: Unless, indeed.

"My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly."

Sirius: I'm bored.

"You'd be stiff if you'd been sitting on a brick wall all day," said Professor McGonagall.

Remus: Why didn't she exercise or something?

James: I doubt that McGonagall would be into exercising.

*silence*

Lily: Okay, I think it's unanimous that the image of her exercising is just frightening. Black, continue reading please.

"All day? When you could have been celebrating? I must have passed a dozen feasts and parties on my way here."

Sirius: Ooh, sounds like fun!

James: Yeah...I can't wait til all this actually happens--we'll be partying all night...and not get in trouble!

*silence*

Remus: Sorry, James, but you'll be dead.

James: ...Oh. Oh, yeah.

Sirius: *pats James on the back*

Professor McGonagall sniffed angrily. "Oh yes, everyone's celebrating, all right," she said impatiently.

James: Will you guys be out celebrating?

Remus: Probably.

"You'd think they'd be a bit more careful, but no--even the Muggles have noticed something's going on. It was on their news." She jerked her head back at the Dursley's dark living room window. "I heard it. Flocks of owls...shooting stars...Well, they're not completely stupid. They were bound to notice something. Shooting stars down in Kent--I'll be that was Dedalus Diggle. He never had much sense."

Boys: Diggle!

Lily: Well, she's right about that, for sure--

James: I wonder what Diggle's doing as a Hogwarts grad?

Sirius: Probably having the time of his life...we've got some fond memories of him.

Remus: Good times...good times.

"You can't blame them," said Dumbledore gently. We've had precious little to celebrate for eleven years."

James: Holy crap, eleven years. What's happened?

Lily: Let's see...You-Know-Who made his little cameo appearance a year ago...so this story probably takes place nine years from now.

Remus: Eleven years of Voldemort terror...

Lily: This is too depressing.

Remus: You know, I never understood that word "depressing." What can you de-press? Like, if you press a button, can you then "de-press" it? And so why is it used--

Sirius: ANYWAY:

"I know that, " said Professor McGonagall irritably.

Boys: We didn't do it.

Lily: *rolls eyes* For once, I don't think she's irritated at you.

"But that's no reason to lose our heads.

James: Or is it? *evil grin*

Sirius: MUAHAHAHA!

James: BUAHAHAHA!

People are being downright careless, out on the streets in broad daylight, not even dressed in Muggle clothes, swapping rumors."

Remus: Trade 'em. Swap 'em. Collect the whole set.

She threw a sharp

James: DAGGER.

Lily: Don't you think you're having a little too much fun with this?

sideways glance

Sirius/James: BORING.

at Dumbledore here

James/Remus: *crack up*

Lily: What?

Remus: *through laughter* Can you imagine...imagine McGonagall throwing a dagger...a dagger at Dumbledore?

Lily: *stares*

Sirius: *hums*

James/Remus: *laugh*

Lily: D to the umble, D to the dore, Dizzle Dizzle, fo shizzle.

Boys: *silent*

Lily: Heh.

as though hoping he was going to tell her something, but he didn't, so she went on. "A fine thing it would be if, on the very day You-Know-Who seems to have disappeared at last

Sirius/Remus: YAY! *wave British flags*

Lily: w00t.

James: Dead.

the Muggles found out about as all. I suppose he really has gone, Dumbledore?"

Remus: That would suck.

James/Sirius: What?

Remus: If everyone thought he was gone, but then it was just a lie? That would suck so bad.

Lily: I wouldn't think it possible, but that would both suck and blow.

Sirius: Hehe.

Lily: *throws coaster at Sirius*

"It certainly seems so," said Dumbledore. "We have much to be thankful for. Would you care for a lemon drop?"

Lily: Aww, that's so symbolic.

Boys: Huh?

Lily: Can't you see that this lemon drop signifies Dumbledore's true meanings and intentions in this word? He treats a muggle candy no differently than he would treat a wizarding candy, and so why should people be any different? *stands up, speaks strongly* People everywhere should accept everyone for who they are, and not where they come from or who their parents were! Dumbledore is an example for us all to follow!

*pause*

Remus: *clap. clap.*

James: *clap*

Sirius: *clapclapclapclapclap* So beautiful! *tears up*

"A what?"

"A lemon drop. They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of."

Sirius: *wipes tear from eye*

James: *smacks Sirius on the back of the head* Be a man.

Lily: *sings* Be a man! You must be swift as a coursing river! With all the force of a great typhoon!

Sirius: *pats Lily's shoulder sympathetically*

"No, thank you," said Professor McGonagall coldly

James: Cold...cold as ice.

Remus: You're as cold as ice!

Remus/Lily: *singing* You're willing to sacrifice our love!

James/Sirius: *exchange looks*

Lily: *sings new song* Ice, ice, baby...

as though she didn't think this was the moment for lemon drops.

Lily: Psh, no moment is too good for lemon drops.

"As I say, even if You-Know-Who has gone--"

"My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this "You-Know-Who" nonsense--for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name: Voldemort."

All: *shrug*

Lily: The only reason why I don't say Voldemort is because it freaks some people out.

Remus: Yeah, that gets really annoying.

James: We should form an association of people who aren't afraid to say his name!
Lily: No. No we shouldn't.

Professor McGonagall flinched

Lily: Fletchley!

Boys: What?

Lily: Future stuff.

but Dumbledore, who was unsticking two lemons drops, seemed not to notice. "It all gets so confusing if we keep saying 'You-Know-Who'. I have never seen any reason to be frightened of saying Voldemort's name."

James: He speaks with wisdom beyond his years.

Remus: Actually, when you really think about it--what is beyond Dumbledore's years? The stone age?

"I know you haven't," said Professor McGonagall, sounding half exasperated, half admiring.

Lily: That takes skill.

"But you're different. Everyone knows you're the only one You-Know- oh, all right, Voldemort, was frightened of."

James: You'd think that if a group of teenagers could say Voldemort that a professor would be able to.

"You flatter me," said Dumbledore calmly. "Voldemort had powers I will never have."

Remus/Lily: Good!

"Only because you're too--well--noble to use them."

Sirius: Do I sense some...flirting going on here?

James: Rrrowl.

"It's lucky it's dark. I haven't blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs."

Lily: Ooer!

Sirius: A little romancing for the professors?

Lily: But who gets Professor Dumbledore--Professor McGonagall or Madam Pomfrey?

Professor McGonagall shot a sharp

James: DAGGER!

Lily: Don't you think you're having a little too much fun with this?

Remus: Didn't this conversation just happen a few minutes ago?

look at Dumbledore and said, "The owls are nothing to the rumors that are flying around.

Sirius: Gossip! Gossip!

Lily: This boy wants gossip. Is that even natural?

Remus: Has Sirius ever been natural?

You know what everyone's saying? About why he's disappeared? About what finally stopped him?"

James: Okay, here's the whole story. My son...my son...

Lily: *snort* I doubt.

Remus: I don't.

It seemed that Professor McGonagall had reached the point she was most anxious to discuss, the real reason she had been waiting on a cold hard wall all day

Remus: Without any exercise.

for neither as a cat nor as a woman had she fixed Dumbledore with such a piercing

James: DAGGER!

Lily: Don't you think you're having a little too much fun with this?

Remus: Did this conversation just happen a few minutes ago?

Sirius: Ooh, déjà vu!

stare

James: Lame!

as she had now. It was plain that whatever "everyone" was saying, she was not going to believe it until Dumbledore told her it was true.

Remus: Not a bad idea.

Dumbledore, however, was choosing another lemon drop and did not answer.

Lily: Lemon drops are nice.

"What they're saying," she pressed on, "is that last night Voldemort turned up in Godric's Hollow.

All: Godric's Hollow...

Lily: Anyone know where that is?

Remus: Nope.

He went to find the Potters.

James: Aha!

Lily: Told you so, told you so: Potter is dead.

The rumor is that Lily and James Potter are

Lily: EXCUSE ME?

James: SCORE!

Lily: EXCUSE ME?

James: *singing* James married Lily, James married Lily!

Lily: Akjhsdlihjfasif!!!

James: *laughing with glee*

Lily: I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS ONLY ONE LILY! IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE!

Remus: Whose sister is a blonde, spying Petunia?

Lily: Dwefliailejfi!!!

Remus: Sorry Evans, but very unlikely. You are totally James's wife.

Lily: ILHJFSDFOIHWEIFOHJ!!!

James: Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Lily: I WILL NOT--I'M NOT--I--SHUT UP, POTTER!

James: *silent*

Lily: *sob*

Sirius: *points at James* Ha ha, she hates you.

--are--that they're--dead."

Remus: Holy crap.

James: Lily was right?

Lily: *sob* Better dead than with Potter.

Sirius: *to James* Ha ha, she hates you.

James: I was murdered by Voldemort and all you can tell me is that my future wife--

Lily: *sob*

James: --hates my guts.

Dumbledore bowed his head. Professor McGonagall gasped.

Remus: Oh wow. Knew it was from the future.

Lily: *sob*

James: *looks at Lily, crestfallen*

Remus: *to Lily* Come on, he's not that bad.

Lily: *looks up* Not...that...bad. Not...that...bad. *shakes with anger*

Remus: Padfoot, read!

"Lily and James

Lily: *twitch*

...I can't believe it...I didn't want to believe it...Oh, Albus..."

Remus: I think it's McGonagall/Dumbledore.

James: Yeah...yeah. *looks over at Lily*

Lily: *dries her eyes*

Dumbledore reached out and patted her on the shoulder.

All: Ooh!

Sirius: Oh, Albus, you sly dog, you.

"I know...I know..." he said heavily.

Sirius: Yeah...heavily, just like him.

Remus: Yeah, 'cause we all know how chunky Dumbledore is.

Lily: Yup, he's a chunkster, all right.

Professor McGonagall's voice trembled as she went on.

Boys: NO!

James: She isn't...

Remus: She can't be...

Sirius: Not...not McGonagall...

Lily: Hello? I died, too! I'm sure that's what the tremble was about.

Remus: Oh, oh yeah.

Sirius: Right, right.

James: Phew, I thought she was getting emotional about my death.

"That's not all. They're saying he tried to kill the Potters' son, Harry.

Lily: *starts twitching and spasming*

James: Oh, come on, why the hell would he want Harry? He's a baby, isn't he?

Remus: The Boy Who Lived...

James: He lived? Holy...

Remus: Evans? Evans! Are you okay?

Lily: WE HAD A BABY? Oh, ew, ew, ew, ew... *sob* Ew...