Four "Friends" and One Really Freaky Book: An MST

Chapter Two: Of Daggers and Culture Holes

James: If this sister is so ugly, then they should just kill her or something and be done with it.

Lily: Wait...did he just say Petunia? That's my sister's name.

*silence*

Lily: What if I'm the sister?

*silence*

Lily: I AM NOT UGLY!!!

Remus: Relax, Evans, you're not a Potter either.

Lily: *brightens* You're right! It's not me!

James: Unless you married me.

Lily: Shut. Up. I did not marry you.

As he had expected, Mrs. Dursley looked shocked and angry. After all, they normally pretended she didn't have a sister.

Lily: That's no good. Once you start pretending not to have a sister, then your sister finds out and, just to spite you, shows up at a social event you're holding and acts surprised to find out that none of the guests know that your sister has a sister.

Boys: ...

"No," she said sharply. "Why?"

Lily: Because, that's why!

"Funny stuff on the news," Mr. Dursley mumbled.

Sirius: Question.

Lily: *twitch*

Sirius: Does this guy have a first name?

James: Of course he does, Padfoot, haven't you been paying any attention?

Remus: His name is Mister. Mister Dursley.

Lily: *double twitch*

"Owls...shooting stars...and there were a lot of funny-looking people in town today..."

James: Hey, watch who you're calling funny-looking.

Remus: Yeah, you're not so pretty yourself.

"So?" snapped Mrs. Dursley.

Remus: Don't snapping turtles have long necks?

"Well, I just thought...maybe...it was something to do with...you know...her crowd."

Lily: Or, if you will, her homie G's.

Boys: What?

Lily: Don't mind me and my irrational blend of 70's and 00's culture.

Mrs. Dursley sipped her tea through pursed lips.

James: Why?

Lily: Because, that's why.

Mr. Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her he'd heard the name "Potter". He decided he didn't dare.

Lily: I can see that this marriage is very successful, as they're both very open with each other.

Instead he said, as casually as he could, "Their son--he'd be about Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?"

James: "Wouldn't he?" persisted Mr. Dursley, his fist clenching around a dagger in his pocket. "Yes, yes!" said Mrs. Dursley, crying out in sheer terror. "Oh, please Mister, put it away...please..."

Lily: POTTER!

James: What?

Lily: OBVIOUSLY, Mr. Dursley wouldn't use a dagger. He probably has a very nice rifle under the sofa.

Sirius: Question.

Lily: *spasm*

"I suppose so," said Mrs. Dursley stiffly.

Remus: Stiff...stiff as a board...

Lily: Light as a feather, stiff as a board...

Boys: Wha?

Lily: It's a muggle form of magic, sort of...like a levitation spell, without wands.

Boys: Oh.

"What's his name again? Howard, isn't it?"

All: *shudder*

Lily: Howard is not a good name. People named Howard can be quite nice, but their name is just...ugh.

James: I would never name my son Howard.

"Harry. Nasty, common name, if you ask me."

James: Well, no one did ask you, so THERE.

Lily: What's wrong with common names?

James: I have a common name!

Sirius: Me, too!

Lily/James/Remus: *raise eyebrow at Sirius*

Sirius: Yup. Good hamsters, is Sirius common.

"Oh yes," said Mr. Dursley, his heart sinking horribly.

Boys: Kerplunk.

Lily: YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP!

Remus/James: Eh?

Sirius: Hamsters?

"Yes, I quite agree."

Remus: Ha, like hell he does. He just wants to make the missus happy.

He didn't say another word on the subject as they went upstairs to bed.

James: His wife has entirely too much control over him.

Lily: Nonsense.

James: Okay.

While Mrs. Dursley was in the bathroom, Mr. Dursley crept to the bedroom window

Sirius: So what about Mister Dursley? What about the Missus in the bathroom?

Lily: Ugh!

and peered down into the front garden. The cat was still there. It was staring down Privet Drive as though it was waiting for something. Was he imagining things? Could all this have anything to do with the Potters?

James: For God's sake, stop it about the bloody Potters. As a Potter, I am insulted by their wife's ugly mug.

Remus: Though you've never seen it.

James: Even though I've never seen it!

If it did...if it got out that they were related to a pair of--

Sirius: Hamsters.

Remus: Frogs.

James: Murderers.

Lily: Travel agents.

Sirius: Question.

Lily: *twitch*

well, he didn't think he could bear it.

The Dursleys got into bed. Mrs. Dursley fell asleep quickly but Mr. Dursley lay awake, turning it all over in his mind.

Lily: Just take some Niquil if you're gonna have problems falling asleep.

Boys: Niquil?

Lily: The coughing, sneezing, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

His last, comforting thought was

James: "Those dead bodies should rot by the time investigators show up..."

Remus: "That dude with the scythe out there should be finishing up his business pretty quickly, and then he'll leave..."

Sirius: "Those hamster guts will make excellent stew for tomorrow's dinner..."

Others: Ew!

that even if the Potters were involved, there was no reason for them to come near him and Mrs. Dursley.

James: I wouldn't be too sure...

Others: *a blank look*

James: *sigh* If only I had a dagger...

The Potters knew very well what he and Petunia

Lily: That's starting to creep me out...Petunia...and my sister Petunia...tall, blonde, long neck...

James: You're both flowers.

Lily: Yes.

James: How fitting. Lily Evans, you are a beautiful flow--

Lily: *throws a coaster at James*

James: Oy...

thought about them and their kind...He couldn't see how he and Petunia could get mixed up in anything that might be going on--he yawned and turned over--it couldn't affect them...

Lily: Wrong.

How very wrong he was.

Lily: I totally called that.

Mr. Dursley might have been drifting off into an uneasy sleep,

Sirius: It's funny how people can have uneasy sleeps. It's just so easy for me to sleep.

James: You just have an uneasy wake.

but the cat on the wall outside was showing no signs of sleepiness.

Remus: How does the author manage to make that sound so ominous?

It was sitting still as a statue

Sirius: With a secret passageway hidden behind it.

Remus: Which we probably discovered in second year.

James: And which Ross Smith will probably brag about having discovered just this year, like the little creep would do. Honestly, he thinks he's a prankster...

Lily: Poser.

James: Pose-what?

its eyes fixed unblinkingly on the far corner of Privet Drive. It didn't so much as quiver

Lily: When Mr. Dursley flung open the window with his trusty rifle in hand and shot at the cat, who was dead in an instant.

*pause*

James: I'm sorry, were you calling me violent?

when a car door slammed in the next street, nor when two owls swooped overhead.

Remus: Swoop. What a funny word.

Lily: You seem to have strange relationships with some of these words, Lupin.

Sirius: You making fun of Rem?

Lily: *gives Sirius a weird look* Yeah, I'm totally dissing him.

Sirius/James/Remus: Dissing?

Lily: Yes.

Sirius: Question.

Lily: *twitch*

In fact, it was nearly midnight before the cat moved at all.

Lily: Midnight...not a sound from the pavement...*starts singing and swaying side to side* has the moon lost her mem'ry? She is smiling alone in the lamplight, the withered leaves collect at her feet...†

Sirius: My cat sings that song.

Lily: Really?

Sirius: Ham...ster...s.

A man appeared on the corner the cat had been watching, appeared so suddenly and silently you'd have thought he'd just popped out of the ground.

Lily: Well, he probably did.

The cat's tail twitched and its eyes narrowed.

Remus: Uh-oh. Cat no like Man.

Lily: You--caveman. No use adjective.

Remus: ...Hmph.

Nothing like this man had ever been seen in Privet Drive.

Remus: So we already know he's thin and not ugly.

He was tall, thin

Remus: I called that!

and very old, judging by the silver of his hair and beard,

Lily: Dumble-bumble-dore.

Boys: What?

Lily: Dumble-bumble-rumble-dumble-dore.

Boys: What?

Lily: D-Dogg.

Boys: WHAT?

Lily: Homie G, dawg.

Boys: *move over on sofa, farther away from Lily*

Lily: Peace out.

which were both long enough to tuck into his belt.

James: That would get annoying after I while, I would guess.

He was wearing long robes, a purple cloak which swept the ground

Sirius: That way you don't have to use brooms to sweep, like the hamsters have to.

*pause*

Remus: *moves towards Lily again, away from Sirius*

and high-heeled, buckled boots.

Lily: How stylish.

His blue eyes were light, bright

Remus: Like the night.

Lily: They shone just right.

James: Like a kite.

Remus: Holy shite.

Lily: They had might.

Sirius: And they fight.

Lily: And drink Sprite.

Remus: And--Sprite?

Lily: Oy...

and sparkling

James: Hey, it doesn't rhyme!

Lily: *mocking* HEY!

behind half-moon spectacles and his nose was very long and crooked, as though it had been broken at least twice.

Lily: D-Dogg, it's Homie G.

Remus: *moves closer to Sirius again*

This man's name was Albus Dumbledore.

All: WHAT?

Remus: Okay, I wasn't expecting that one.

James: We should have guessed that.

Sirius: What's Dumbledore doing in the book?

Lily: It must be a true story!

Remus: From the future! Remember, Voldemort's gone.

Sirius: Oh, yeah...

Lily: Wow. This is really scary.

James: Just...just keep on reading, Padfoot. Let's see what Dumbledore's up to.

Sirius: Obviously, he's off to give some detentions. He's hoping that the Dursleys will be able to give out some information about where to find James.

Others: *stare at Sirius in awe*

Remus: ...That...that made...

Lily: Oh my God...that...

James: HOLY SHIT, PADFOOT--that made sense!

Sirius: *looks up in slo-mo, then realizes what had happened--a grin slowly spreads over his face. Triumphant music plays in the background as he stands up and raises his fists triumphantly*

Lily: Okay, chill out, Black. Sit down, and read the book.

Albus Dumbledore

James: *giggles* Dumbledore's in a book! Hehe...

Remus/Sirius: *move towards Lily, away from James*

Lily: *shoots glare at boys* D-Dogg, Homie G is in da house, y'all.

Remus/Sirius: *move back towards James...then back to Lily...and fall off the couch*

Lily: MUAHAHAHAHA. *leans back and lies on the sofa, legs stretched over where Remus and Sirius used to be*

James: *scoots farther away from Lily*

Sirius: *continues reading from the floor*

didn't seem to realize that he had just arrived on a street where everything from his name to his boots was unwelcome.

Lily: Why do wizards generally have less common names?

Remus: We're more creative.

Lily: So, James was just a fluke?

Remus: Yeah.

James: Hey!

Lily: By the way--the reason why Dumbledore is really here is to explain to the Dursleys how James and his wife were murdered.

Remus: That was random.

Lily: Not my fault! *points to author, who accidentally made a joke later on in this story that involves James being dead*

But he did seem to realize he was being watched

Boys: THE CAT!

Lily: Why, goodness me--now what was that? Silent be--it was the cat! It was, it was the cat! They're right--it was the cat...††

Boys: *shoot weird looks at Lily*

James: *scoots farther away from her on the sofa*

because he looked up suddenly at the cat, which was still staring at him from the other end of the street.

James: Obviously this cat doesn't have a life.

For some reason, the sight of the cat seemed to amuse him. He chuckled and muttered, "I should have known."

Remus: This is intense reading here. Sure you can handle it, Padfoot?

Sirius: Hamsters.

He had found what he was looking for in his inside pocket. It seemed to be a silver cigarette lighter.

Lily: *gasp* Dumbledore smokes! *sits back up, boys sit back down on couch. The order of seating from their point of view is Lily, Sirius, Remus, James*

He flicked it open, held it up in the air and clicked it. The nearest street lamp went out with a little pop.

James: Oh, yeah...a device for extinguishing lights. Damn expensive, they are.

Lily: "Expensive, they are." I doubt you've seen Star Wars, so I won't go into that whole ordeal. But how do you know how much those things cost?

James: Heh...heh...

Remus: Star wars?

He clicked it again--the next lamp flickered into darkness.

James: *sigh* *wistful look*

Twelve times he clicked the Put-Outer, until the only lights left in the whole street were two tiny pinpricks in the distance, which were the eyes of the cat watching him.

Lily: Any particular reason why the cat's eyes are glowing if there aren't any lights to reflect in them?

Remus: That's a good question.

Sirius: I don't trust that cat.

James: Probably McGonagall or Filch or someone transfigured.

Remus: McGonagall is a cat animagus.

Sirius/James: Really?

Remus: Yeah, she just got her liscense three years ago, but says she doesn't like transforming very much.

James: Why not?

Lily: Wait--how do you know all this?

Remus: Heh...heh...um...Hey, Padfoot, why don't you keep reading?

If anyone looked out of their window now, even beady-eyed Mrs. Dursley,

Sirius: Beady eyed...with beads...in her...eyes.

James: Yes, but what colour? Yellow to match her hair, or clear to match her personality?

they wouldn't be able to see anything that was happening down on the pavement.

Sirius: I wonder what he'll be doing down there in the dark...probably graffiti or something.

James: Tsk, tsk, Dumbledore.

Lily: Bad D-Dogg.

James: Okay, that's just really creepy.

Lily: Cool it, JP.

James: *frightened expression*

Lily: *cough* Peace.