Four "Friends" and One Really Freaky Book: An MST

Chapter Two: Bright and Happy People

As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam, he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about.

Lily: Psh, you're strangely dressed.

People in cloaks.

Lily: Excuse me--I'm strangely dressed.

Mr. Dursley couldn't bear people who dressed in funny clothes--the getups you saw on young people! He supposed this was some stupid new fashion.

Remus: Depends on what you mean by "new"...if you're suggesting that this fashion has been around for hundreds on thousands of years, than yes. New.

He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and his eyes fell on a huddle of these weirdos

Lily: Psh, you're a weirdo.

James: It's okay, Evans. We know.

Lily: *immature glare*

standing quite close by. They were whispering excitedly together. Mr. Durlsey was enraged to see that a couple of them weren't young at all; why, that man had to be older than he was,

James: Well, that is rather rare, isn't it?

Remus: He's fatter than he is old.

and wearing an emerald-green cloak! The nerve of him!

James: Wearing Slytherin colors in a Gryffindor-ruled world!

But then it struck Mr. Dursley that this was probably some silly stunt-these people were obviously collecting for something...

Lily: Obviously.

Remus: Obviously, you are uninformed that cloaks have been worn since the medieval ages.

Sirius: Aw, let him alone, guys. I feel bad for him.

James: Really?

Sirius: *pause* No.

yes, that would be it. The traffic moved on a few minutes later, Mr. Dursley arrived in the Grunnings parking lot, his mind back on

James: Pigs.

Lily: Chainsaws.

Remus: His son?

Sirius: Hamsters.

drills.

Sirius: Drills...and hamsters.

Lily: What sick fascination do you have with hamsters?

Sirius: Drills and hamsters. Book. *points to the book he's reading, then resumes reading aloud*

Mr. Dursley always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor.

James: That's...nice...

Remus: *cough*IRRELEVANT*cough*

If he hadn't, he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning. He didn't see the owls swooping past in broad daylight, though people down in the street did; they pointed and gazed open-mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead.

James: That's...nice...Haven't these people ever seen owls before?

Most of them had never seen an owl even at nighttime.

James: I still don't get it. Why would you be more likely to see owls at night?

Lily: In the muggle world, owls are nocturnal creatures.

Sirius: Kreachers?

Lily: Yes. Creatures.

Sirius: Hamsters.

Mr. Dursley, however, had a perfectly normal, owl-free morning.

Lily: Free at last... Thank God Almighty! We are free at last!

Remus: Yes...free...*shrugs shoulders at James and Sirius*

He yelled at five different people.

Sirius: Sounds like fun. I'd like to yell at five people every day.

Remus: *to Lily* Did he just complete a sentence without any--

Sirius: HAMSTERS!

He made several important telephone calls

Sirius: Question.

Lily: A telephone is a muggle device of talking to someone. They talk into a hunk of molded plastic, and someone somewhere else talks into a molded hunk of plastic, and they're talking to each other.

Sirius/James: Oh... *exchange glances*

and shouted a bit more. He was in a very good mood until lunchtime

James: When his stomach got the best of him and started yelling louder than he was.

when he thought he'd stretch his legs and walk across the road to buy himself a bun from the bakery.

Lily: Just a bun? How about a doughnut or something equally as fattening?

He'd forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them next to the baker's. He eyed them angrily as he passed.

Remus: It always bothers me when people 'eye' each other. Can they use a different word there?

Lily: It always makes me think that whoever is doing the eyeing is checking the other person out.

He didn't know why, but they made him uneasy. This lot were whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn't see a single collecting tin. It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut

Lily: Ha!

James: But he said he'd get a bun!

Sirius: Nasty lying hamsters.

in a bag, that he caught a few words of what they were saying.

Sirius: Ooh, this is good.

"The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard--"

James: The Potters!

Lily: *dryly* How exciting.

"--yes, their son, Harry--"

James: Harry! *pause* Harry Potter...I don't know a Harry Potter.

Remus: Could be your son, Prongs!

James: If this book is from the future...it could be!

Remus: But why is everyone talking about this kid?

Sirius: He's obviously being troublesome. He's getting into trouble, and playing a prank on everyone in England. And so now they must talk about him excessively. *pause* Hamsters.

Mr. Dursley stopped dead.

Boys: DIE!!!!

Fear flooded him.

Boys: DROWN!!!

He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it.

Sirius: Question: What do you say to whispers?

Lily: Hamsters.

Sirius: *shocked expression* *immediately stands up and rushes towards Lily, enveloping her in a bear hug*

James: PADFOOT!!!

Sirius: *squeaks* *goes back to his own seat*

He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his office, snapped at his secretary not to disturb him, seized his telephone

Lily: Carpe sermo fabrica.

Boys: Eh?

Lily: Latin. Seize the telephone.

and had almost finished dialing his home phone number before he thought better of it.

Remus: Wait a sec, Evans. You can't say telephone in Latin.

Lily: Talking device. Sermo fabrica.

He put the receiver back down and stroked his moustache, thinking...no, he was being stupid.

Remus: How...unusual...cough.

Potter wasn't such an unusual name.

James: Hey! I'm one of a kind, thank you very much.

He was sure there were lots of people called Potter who had a son called Harry.

James: Not any that I know of.

Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure his nephew was called Harry. He'd never even seen the boy. It might have been Harvey. Or Harold.

James: Harvey! I have a cousin named Harvey!

Sirius: Really?

James: Ye--no. No. Never mind. That's Jarvina.

Remus: Jarvina?

James: Shut up.

There was no point in worrying Mrs. Dursley, she always got so upset at any mention of her sister.

Sirius: She can't have been that ugly. Hamsters are probably uglier than she is.

He didn't blame her--if he'd had a sister like that...but all the same, those people in cloaks...

Lily: Yes? What about us?

James: What if it was us out there...that would be so weird.

He found it a lot harder to concentrate on drills that afternoon and when he left the building at five o'clock, he was still so worried that he walked straight into someone outside the door.

Lily: Smooth. Real smooth.

Remus: That is such a weird word. Smooth. When you write it down, it looks like smuthe. Freaky.

Sirius: Moony, what is it with you and words?

"Sorry," he grunted as the tiny old man stumbled and almost fell.

Lily: Aw, the poor old man! And the evil blood-sucking, rifle-carrying Dursley!

James: What is a rifle?

Lily: You're a rifle.

James: I am? *ruffles hair*

Lily: *twitch*

It was a few seconds before Mr. Dursley realized that the man was wearing a violet cloak. He didn't seem at all upset at being almost knocked to the ground.

Lily: It's probably because you dropped his medication!

On the contrary, his face split into a wide smile and he said in a squeaky voice that made passers-by stare,

Remus: Old men on helium. It's a sad, sad world.

"Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last!

All: WHAT?

James: Voldemort? Gone?

Remus: The future! It's from the future! *turns to Lily* I told you so!

Lily: You-Know-Who...gone...oh, this is fantastic!

Sirius: Yes!!! *Sirius and James stand up and slam chests in joy*

Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!"

Remus: Yeah, you better!

Lily: But...how did it happen? Was he killed? Who...what...how...

James: It doesn't matter. He's gone!

And the old man hugged Mr. Dursley round the middle and walked off.

Sirius: Rrrowl.

Lily: Black!

Mr Dursley stood rooted to the spot. He had been hugged by a complete stranger. He also thought he had been called a Muggle, whatever that was.

Lily: That man isn't very smart, just rambling on about Muggles and You-Know-Who to a muggle.

Remus: And what about all the wizards standing around with normal cloaks--shouldn't they wear muggle clothes?

James: Relax; they're too excited to care--Voldemort is gone!

Remus: Oh...OH...OHHHH!!!

James: What? Moony, pal? You okay?

Remus: Remember when they were talking about the Potters? And Harry? And now Voldemort is gone?

James: Ye--OH!!!

Sirius: Whoa! Harry Potter, you are a hero!

James: MY SON KILLED VOLDEMORT!!!

Lily: Oh, honestly, we don't know who this Harry Potter is, or if You-Know-Who was murdered by anybody.

Remus: I think it sounds likely.

He was rattled. He hurried to his car and set off home, hoping he was imagining things, which he had never hoped before, because he didn't approve of imagination.

Lily: How awful! Normally muggles encourage imagination--at least, teachers do.

As he pulled into the driveway of number four, the first thing he saw--and it didn't improve his mood--was

Sirius: A giant mob of angry hamsters, demanding entrance.

James: His wife and son, their bodies bloody and mangled, lying on the red-with-blood lawn.

Lily: A tall, dark, cloaked figure carrying a scythe.

Remus: I can't decide which version I like best.

the tabby cat he'd spotted that morning.

Sirius: With a dead hamster hanging out of it's mouth.

James: With blood covering it's mouth and sitting upon Dudley's stomach.

Lily: Wearing a black cloak and carrying a mini-scythe.

Remus: I like Evans' version best.

It was now sitting on his garden wall.

Sirius: Covered with hamster guts.

James: Drenched with blood.

Lily/Remus: Holding a scythe.

He was sure it was the same one; it had the same markings round its eyes.

"Shoo!" said Mr. Dursley loudly.

Lily: Psh, you shoo!

The cat didn't move. It just gave him a stern look.

Lily: *gives the book a stern look*

Was this normal cat behavior? Mr. Dursley wondered. Trying to pull himself together,

James: After being chopped to death by the murderous cat...

he let himself into the house. He was still determined not to mention anything to his wife.

Remus: Why? If their hideous sister is still out there, than wouldn't they want to be prepared to ward her off or something?

Mrs. Dursley had had a nice, normal day. She told him over dinner about Mrs. Next Door's problems with her daughter

Lily: I bet the daughter's been drinking. Alchohol=bad.

Sirius: Wha?

and how Dudley had learned a new word

James: Murder.

Remus: Death.

Lily: We're not very bright and happy people here, are we?

Sirius: Hamsters.

("Won't!").

Lily: Oh, lovely.

Mr. Dursley tried to act normally. When Dudley had been put to bed, he went into the living room in time to catch the last report on the evening news:

James: Officials are still unable to find the culprits of the murderous massacre, killing all involved but a boy, who lived. Top suspects are Mr. And Mrs. Dursley of Number Four, Privet Drive. Authorites will be coming to arrest them in approximitely ten seconds. And counting.

"And finally, bird-watchers everywhere have reported that the nation's owls have been behaving very unusually today. Although owls normally hunt at night and are hardly ever seen in daylight,

Sirius: I am so confused.

James: *nods*

Lily: Muggle owls only come out at night.

Remus: Creatures of the night...

there have been hundreds of sightings of these birds flying in all directions since sunrise. Experts are unable to explain why the owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern."

James: Psh. Muggles.

Lily: *glare*

The newscaster allowed himself a grin. "Most mysterious. And now, over to Jim McGuffin with the weather. Going to be any more showers of owls tonight, Jim?"

Boys: Ew...

Lily: *sigh*

"Well, Ted," said the weatherman, "I don't know about that, but it's not only the owls that have been acting oddly today.

James: A giant massacre, occuring at sunrise, has left thousands dead--

Lily: And turning into homicidal zombies.

James: Zombies? What are Zombies?

Lily: Oy...

Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire, and Dundee have been phoning in to tell me that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, they've had a downpour of shooting stars!

Lily: Aw...I hope some couple was celebrating a wedding or honeymoon that day...shooting stars would be so romantic...

James: Really?

Lily: I dare you. *glare*

Perhaps people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early--it's not until next week, folks!

Sirius: Question.

Lily: Don't even try to tell me that you don't know what Bonfire Night is, because if you do I shall package you into a very small box and ship you to America.

Sirius: ...Oh.

But I can promise a wet night tonight."

Mr. Dursley sat frozen in his armchair.

Boys: FREEZE TO DEATH!

Lily: If I was a hippie, I'd give you drugs.

Boys: What?

Lily: *blinks* Actually, I'm not quite sure what I just said.

Shooting stars all over Britain? Owls flying by daylight? And a whisper, a whisper about the Potters...

Lily: *hums Twilight Zone music*

Mrs. Dursley came into the living room carrying two cups of tea.

James: One for herself, and one to chew on.

It was no good.

James: No one made sugar tea cups anymore.

He'd have to say something to her. He cleared his throat nervously. "Er--Petunia, dear--you haven't heard from your sister lately, have you?"

Remus: He is making way to big a deal out of this.

James: If this sister is so ugly, then they should just kill her or something and be done with it.

Lily: Wait...did he just say Petunia? That's my sister's name.