Four "Friends" and One Really Freaky Book: An MST

Chapter One: The Boy Who Lived Through the Great Massacre of the Hamsters

James ran his hand through his hair. Again.

"Stop it, Potter, I swear if you move your bloody hand again I will desemble your limbs and feed them to the giant squid!" said an angry redhead, pointing at him accusingly.

James immediately placed his hands in his lap, and Lily Evans resumed her pacing.

"Sit down, Evans," said Sirius, leaning back in his chair. "You're making me sick."

"You make me sick," Lily muttered under her breath, but she did stop pacing.

"I still don't understand where we are," mumbled a sandy-haired teenager, staring at the wall in front of him. The four sixteen-year-olds trapped in the room were hopelessly and utterly lost. They had gone through a door that they had thought lead to the charms classroom, only to find a nicely-furnished living-room. They had foolishly entered the room, and the door had slammed behind them, leaving out their companion Peter Pettigrew. They had stopped trying to open it, and had instead taken to doing...nothing. Lily Evans was pacing across the oriental rug relentlessly, muttering useless hexes and curses under her breath. Their wands, books, and bags had seemingly evaporated as they entered the room. Sirius Black was lounging in the dark leather sofa next to James Potter, who was staring at the floor, annoyed. Remus Lupin was now examining the bookshelf along one wall.

"It's a muggle room," he said, removing a book from the shelf. "Alice in Wonderland--definitely muggles."

"I know that book!" said Lily brightly, stopping her pacing. She joined Remus at the bookshelf. "Ooh, The Lord of the Rings, that's an interesting series. Lots of fantasy here..."

Sirius sighed. He would never open a book if he could help it. James Potter felt the same way...unless he was opening the book to prove to Lily that he wasn't, in fact, illiterate.

"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone," said Remus, reading the spine of a book. He removed the hard-cover book from the shelf and looked down at it. The paper cover seemed to be missing; all that was there was the dark red surface. "You know any Harry Potters, James?"

"No," said James, sitting up in his seat. "Bring it here, though, let's have a look."

Lily rolled her eyes. Egotistical Potter, she thought, can't resist looking at something with his name on it.

"Let's read it, right?" she heard Potter saying on the couch.

"Could be interesting," said Remus.

"It's a book," said Sirius in horror. "Why are you going to read a book?"

"To show that we have a higher intellegance than monkeys," Lily said, thoroughly disgusted with Sirius' lack of intellegence. "Here, Black, maybe we can find a banana for you while we read."

"I'll read it," announced Sirius, shooting a scathing look at Lily. He took the book from Remus' hands and opened it to the first page. Lily seated herself on the sofa next to Remus, who was next to Sirius, who was next to James. "Chapter One--The Boy Who Lived."

Lily: Sounds like a ominously tragic story.

Remus: Oh, but it's already starting out happy. See, Evans, the boy's alive!

James: You know it's gonna turn out that he's the sole survivor of some killing massacre.

Lily: Potter! Stop being so morose.

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley,

Sirius: How do you do?

of number four, Privet Drive,

Lily: With the number of kidnappers and stalkers out there nowadays, they should be more careful with dishing out their address to any passing reader.

were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.

Boys: You're welcome.

They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious,

Remus: Something tells me that they're going to be involved with something strange and mysterious very shortly.

James: I bet that they were the people who went on a killing spree and killed everyone except for the boy who lived.

because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.

James: You wouldn't call it nonsense if you were the one lying on the ground, bleeding profusely, with the mutilated limbs and the--

Lily: POTTER! You are the most disgusting person I have ever had the misfortune to meet!

James: *bows*

Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings,

Remus: If I was the director of a firm, I would call it something a bit more appealing than "Grunnings." It sounds like a type of pig.

James: He named it after himself.

which made drills.

James: And pigs.

He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large moustache.

Sirius: Only a pig could have a moustache like that.

Mrs. Dursley was thin and blonde

Sirius: Like a super-model? Tell me more!

Remus: *smacks Sirius on the back of the head*

and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck,

Sirius: Never mind.

Lily: Do you only judge women on their physical appearance?

Sirius: Evans, she's a bloody giraffe!

which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time

James: Eating pork.

Lily: Saving the enviornment.

Remus: Ruling her own small European principality named Durslitinia.

Sirius: Sharpening her daggar.

Lily: Black! Make love, not war!

Sirius: ...Are you telling me to have sex?

Lily: Urgh!

craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbors.

Lily: Should introduce her to my sister sometime. Petunia watches our neighbours excesively, although they happen to be the most boring people ever.

The Dursleys had s small son called Dudley

Lily: Oh! Like the friend of Elizabeth I of Eng--

James: What an incredibly sucky name!

Lily: Stop saying semi-intelligent things.

and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere.

James: Of course, they have yet to meet me.

Lily: *annoyed snort*

The Dursleys had everything they wanted,

Remus: Impossible.

Sirius: Wha?

Remus: Think about it. If you had everything you wanted, you wouldn't have anywhere to put it all, and you'd just keep wanting more. Eventually the greed--

Lily: Don't bother, Lupin. They have no idea what the figger you're talking about.

but they also had a secret,

Sirius: Finally some gossip!

Lily: You remind me of some girls in my primary school.

Sirius: I like girls.

Lily: They wore nothing but pink.

Sirius: *shudder*

and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it.

James: Ah...we've discovered their weak point.

Lily: Potter! Don't bother those poor, innocent people!

James: Innocent! Ha! They're the ones who massacered the people, but only left that boy alive.

Remus: That must be their little secret, Padfoot.

Sirius: Psh. That's not even remotely interesting--

Lily: --unless they used a chainsaw!

Boys: *stare at Lily*

Lily: Ever seen 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'?

Boys: *stare at Lily*

James: *drools*

Lily: Honestly. You'd love it, Black, it's the bloodiest movie I've ever seen.

They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters.

James: Ah. Now we're finally getting down to these mysterious Potters.

Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister,

James: Hmm...scratching this "Mrs. Dursley" woman, this Mrs. Potter could be my mother, my Aunt Lucille, Aunt Bethany--

Lily: Honestly, Potter! Book...fiction...NOT REAL.

Remus: It could be. It could even be from the future, or something like that. This entire room could be from the future...

Lily: But what kind of spell--

Sirius: BORING. Shut up, let me read.

but they hadn't met for several years;

Lily: Aw...didn't the miss each other?

Sirius: No.

in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister,

Sirius: I was so right.

Lily: You looked ahead.

Sirius: ...No, I didn't. Um.

because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDursleyish as it was possible to be.

Lily: That is the worst reason to dislike someone that I have ever heard.

James: Hm...unDursleyish...

Remus: If you got rid of the "ish" and changed the "ley" to "set" you'd have a real word.

Lily: Stop knowing things that I don't.

The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbors would say if the Potters arrived in the street.

James: Why would they arrive in the street? Why not at the house?

Remus: Because the Dursleys kicked them out of the house and into the street.

Lily: But why would they do that if they didn't want the neighbors to know about the Potters?

Sirius: I see smart people.

Lily: *laughs hysterically*

Boys: Huh?

Lily: Wow...you all have to see some muggle movies...

The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son too

James: Me?

Remus: If so, you're probably dead, killed by the Dursleys in the massacre.

Lily: *grins triumphantly*

James: WHAT? Ooh, Dursley is going down.

but they had never seen him.

Lily: Legend has it that he's so ugly, that if you look at him--

James: Hey!

Lily: Yes? *grins prettily, using her feminine charms to make James' jaw drop and drool come from his mouth*

This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away--they didn't want Dudley mixing with a boy like that.

Lily: Mixing with him? What an interesting verb to use.

Remus: Mixing...like in a big bowl with a blender.

Lily: Hmm.

Remus: Hmm.

Lily: I feel like I should be resting in a huge armchair with a pipe right now. Hmm.

When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up

James: --they began to prepare for work. Mr. Dursley hid several daggars in his pockets, and Mrs. Dursley put on her prostitute suit--

Lily: POTTER!

Sirius: Aw, it was just getting good!

on the dull, gray Tuesday our story starts, there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that

James: There would be a bloody massacre in the middle of Privet Drive.

Sirius: Where's Privet Drive?

Lily: *moans and puts head in hands*

Remus: Please, Padfoot. Don't be any dumber than you can help.

strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country.

James: Does murder count as 'strange and mysterious?'

Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work

James: Which, of course, matched his favorite knife--

Lily: Potter! Make lo--oh, never mind.

and Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily

Remus: About the massacre. Which was her fault.

Lily: Lupin! I thought you were on my side!

Remus: *shrug*

as she wrestled a screaming

James: Cactus.

Lily: Mandrake.

Sirius: Hamster.

Remus: Japanese Sumo wrestler.

Dudley

Sirius: I was close.

Others: *give Sirius weird looks*

into his highchair. None of them noticed a large tawny owl flutter past the window.

Remus: Flutter. That word has always bothered me.

Lily: It reminds me of butterflies. Fluttering butterflies.

Sirius: Reminds me of flirting.

James: Padfoot...everything reminds you of flirting.

Sirius: Hamsters!

Others: *girve Sirius weird looks*

At half-past eight, Mr. Dursley picked up his

Lily: Rifle.

Boys: Huh?

Lily: I love being the only muggle-born.

briefcase, pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek and tried to kiss Dudley goodbye but missed,

Remus: Come on. That kid's got to be fatter than that.

because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls.

James: I used to do that.

Lily: Used to? Remember in the Great Hall--

James: That was only once!

"Little tyke," chortled Mr. Dursley

James: You wouldn't chortle if you were that cereal being thrown at the--

Lily: *cough*

James: Sorry, Evans.

Sirius: *raises eyebrow at Remus*

Lily: Do that again and I will tear your little eyebrow off your face.

as he left the house. He got into his car

Lily: Station wagon. I bet it was a station wagon.

Boys: *look at each other and shrug*

and backed out of number four's drive.

Sirius: Fascinating. Now, why am I reading this book?

Lily: Banana, Black?

Sirius: *scowl*

It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar--

Lily: A tall man dressed in a black cloak with his face obscured by a hood, carrying a scythe.

James: A deatheater? What's he doing with a scythe?

Lily/Remus: Oy...

a cat reading a map.

James: *shrugs* Meh. Not that unusual.

Remus: *shakes head* Muggles.

For a second, Mr. Dursley didn't realize what he had seen--then he jerked his head

Remus: Jerked. An appropriate verb.

around to look again. There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight. What could he have been thinking of?

Sirius: His naked wife.

Lily: I feel homicidal.

Sirius: Isn't the word "suicidal"?

Lily: *shudder*

It must have been a trick of the light. Mr. Dursley blinked and stared at the cat. It stared back.

Sirius: Ooh, staring contest!

James: I put my money on the cat.

Remus: I have faith in the fat dude.

As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road,

Lily: And over the hill and through the woods...

he watched the cat in the mirror. It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive-no, looking at the sign; cats couldn't read maps or signs.

Remus: Well, obviously they do now.

Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the cat out of his mind.

James: Did he put it there, or shake it out?

Remus: The author should be more specific.

As he drove toward town he thought of nothing except a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day. But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else.

Lily: Chainsaws. Thousands and thousands of chainsaws...

Boys: *give Lily weird looks*

Lily: *sigh*