Four "Friends" and One Really Freaky Book: An MST

The Vanishing Glass

Sirius: Oh no! How can Harry see without his glass eye?

James: *whacks Sirius on the head*

Nearly ten years had passed

Lily: My baby's eleven!

James: Hogwarts ahoy! Gryff-in-dor! Gryff-in-dor!

Remus: Slyth-er-in! Slyth-er-in!

Lily: Not cool, Lupin. Not cool.

since the Dursleys had woken up to find

Remus: A lobster!

Sirius: Lob...ster?

James: Hmm...a random interjection is not Moony's style. Remus, I think Sirius is rubbing off on you.

Sirius: Ooh! Bow chicka bow bow!

Remus: ...Oh dear.

their nephew on the front step, but Privet Drive had hardly changed at all.

James: Huh. I guess all those bodies never did rot away.

Lily: You know, I'm glad that my son never got a chance to meet you.

The sun rose

Sirius: Ha ha! Sun rose! It's like a sunflower, but not!

Others: *stare*

Sirius: Tee-hee!

Lily: Is it just me, or does Sirius wander in and out of sanity every fifteen minutes?

on the same tidy front gardens and lit up the brass number four

Lily: --ty-five!

James: Forty-five?

Lily: *offended* I'm just trying to mix it up.

on the Dursleys'

All: BOOOOO! HISSSS!

front door; it crept into their living room,

Lily: And stole their television, the stereo, and the bowl of sweets.

James: Serves them right for falling asleep!

Lily: ...And for being horrible to Harry.

James: ...That too.

which was almost exactly the same as it had been on the night when Mr. Dursley

James: Killed everyone.

Remus: You're still sticking to that story?

Lily: *singing* That's my story and I'm sticking to it! That's my story...

James: Come on, Moony, you've got her singing Muggle crap again.

Remus: Believe me: if I had known, I wouldn't have done it.

had seen that fateful news report about the owls.

Sirius: Did you know that if you rearrange the letters of the word "owls" you get the word "slow"?

*pause*

James: That's a bit irrelevant right there.

Lily: No, he's explaining his O.W.L. scores.

Only the photographs on the mantelpiece really showed how

James: Much weight Dursley had gained.

Remus: Don't be ridiculous, Prongs, photographs couldn't possibly be large enough for that.

much time had passed. Ten years ago, there had been lots of pictures of

James: Fresh corpses in their yard, but now they showed only masses of vultures gnawing at bones and stale flesh.

Lily: I do believe that the neighbors might have noticed the smell.

Remus: Or, maybe they'd have seen the bodies first?

Lily: *defensive* Well, they might've been blind! I don't know, Lupin!

what looked like a large pink beach ball wearing different-colored bonnets

Lily: Who on earth has photos of beach balls on their mantel? How bizarre.

Remus: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...

- but Dudley Dursley was no longer a baby

All: *burst out laughing*

Lily: My sister...birthed...a beach ball. Dear God.

and now the photographs showed a large blond boy riding his first bicycle, on a carousel at the fair, playing a computer game with his father

James: What do all those mean?

Lily: *sigh* A bicycle is a means of transportation if you can't afford a car or gas, or if you aren't old enough for a car. A carousel is a fun thing to do. A computer is a means of making people fat by being lazy.

James: Ah, so he's tubby.

being hugged and kissed by his mother.

Boys: PDA.

Lily: Wait...Isn't Harry living there now?

James: Yeah! Where are the photos of Harry?

The room held no sign at all that another boy lived in the house, too.

Lily: *turns red with anger* Just you wait, Petunia Evans, just you wait...when I get home for the summer holidays...

Yet Harry Potter was still there, asleep at the moment

James/Lily: Aww.

but not for long.

Boys: Dun dun dunnnnn!

His Aunt Petunia was awake

Lily: Ooooh, she won't be when I get hold of her...

and it was her shrill voice that made the first noise of the day.

Remus: Shrill. Shrill. Such an odd word.

Sirius: *smacks Remus*

"Up! Get up! Now!"

Lily: No! You get up! Bitch!

Harry woke with a start. His aunt rapped on the door again.

Lily: Yo! Don't you tell me to SMILE! You stick around and make it worth yo' WHILE!

James: Er...Lily?
Lily: Stop, pro--Wait, what?

James: Er...

Lily: Well, it said that she was rapping, so I just thought I'd bring the book alive a little.

Boys: ...

Lily: ...

Author: ...I'm so sorry.

Readers: ...What?

"Up!" she screeched.

Lily: Ooh...someday, Petunia. *cracks knuckles*

Harry heard her walking toward the kitchen and then the sound of

Remus: Intense moaning and heavy breathing, and the steady thump, thump, thump on the kitchen table.

*silence*

James: Where the hell did that come from?

Sirius: Moony, I'm impressed!

Lily: Oh, Remus, I'll save you! If you ever need a safe haven from Black or Potter, I'm here.

James: Why don't you ever offer that to me?

Lily: There's no way you can be saved from yourself, Potter. You're a goner, and frankly, I hope you stay gone forever.

James: You weren't saying that last night!

Sirius: OHHH! SLAM!

Lily: There is nothing I can say to make that statement seem any more ridiculous than it already is.

the frying pan being put on the stove.

Remus: They do feed him, right?

Lily: They'd better!

He rolled onto his

Remus: Knife. "Damn," he muttered, the blood already seeping through his pyjamas.

Lily: Lupin!

Remus: *shrugs* James is too busy worrying about Harry, and someone had to say something.

back and tried to remember the dream he had been having. It had been a good one.

Remus: That's the age.

Sirius: *sniggers* Hope Petunia changes the sheets.

Lily: *turns red*

James: *rolls his eyes* I'm sure it had nothing to do with...ugh.

There had been a flying motorcycle in it.

Sirius: That's me! *chest swells proudly* He remembers!

James: My son had a wet dream about Sirius?

Lily: DEAR GOD, he's eleven!

Remus: So, if he were older, it'd be okay?

Lily: *twitch* Oh, that is...just...so wrong!

He had a funny feeling he'd had the same dream before.

Sirius: Hehe, he remembers!

Lily: *spasm*

"Are you up yet?" she demanded.

Lily: *hisses*

James: BOOOO!

"Nearly," said Harry.

James: Come on, son, talk back!

Lily: Don't you teach my son bad manners! He's so polite. So adorable. So well-mannered. I'm glad he managed to escape those Potter genes.

"Well, get a move on, I want you to look after the bacon.

Sirius: I love looking after bacon.

Lily: Well, I'd hope my son doesn't consider eating the bacon as looking after it.

And don't you dare let it burn,

Lily: He can do whatever he wants to!

Remus: Evans. It's okay. We know. You do not need to interject after every phrase.

Sirius: In...terr...ject?

Remus: Read.

I want everything perfect on Duddy's birthday."

All: *groan*

Harry groaned.

Lily: *squeal* I'm just like my son! He's just like me! I groaned, too, Harry!

"What did you say?" his aunt snapped through the door.

Lily: Don't you snap at my son or I'll snap your frail little neck.
"Nothing, nothing..."

James: My son is a wimp.

Lily: No he's not, he's polite!

James: Wimp!

Lily: *tearful* Shush, let me live in my own fantasy. He's just polite, not a wuss.

Dudley's birthday - how could he have forgotten?

James: He got that trait from me: the ability to forget unpleasant things!

Lily: Is that why you keep asking me out over and over and over again?

Harry got slowly out of bed and started looking for socks.

Lily: Shouldn't he have a proper sock drawer? Why is he so messy? Potter, your genes are starting to show in my son.

He found a pair under his bed

Lily: Under his bed!?

Sirius: It's only the best place for them.

and, after pulling a spider off one of them,

Lily: WHAT? Why is my son so unhygienic? Potter!

James: I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

put them on. Harry was used to spiders, because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them,

*pause*

Lily: The cupboard under the stairs. The cupboard under the stairs. The cupboard under the STAIRS? What does my son have to do with the CUPBOARD under the STAIRS?

Sirius: Maybe we should take a break now.

Lily: Read the damn book.

and that was where he slept.

Lily: PETUNIA EVANS, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU TO DEATH!

Remus: To death?

Lily: DON'T YOU GO WORDY ON ME, LUPIN! LOOK WHAT SHE'S DONE TO MY SON! THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS!

*silence*

Boys: *cower*

Lily: *fumes*

Remus: Is it safe?

Lily: Oh my God, I think I broke a nail.

When he was dressed he went down to the hall into the kitchen.

James: Yum.

Remus: I don't think Harry's going to get much to eat this morning.

Lily: My baby! *sobs*

The table was almost hidden beneath all Dudley's birthday presents.

Remus: So spoiled.

Lily: They'd better give Harry at least as many presents!

*pause*

Boys: *exchange looks*

Lily: I can be hopeful if I want.

It looked as though Dudley had gotten the new computer he wanted, not to mention the second television and the racing bike.

Remus: Spoiled...spoiled...spoy...ulld...

James: Word Alert. Just keep reading, Padfoot.

Exactly why Dudley wanted a racing bike was a mystery to Harry, as Dudley was very fat and hated exercise -

James: HA! Good thinking, my boy!

Sirius/Remus: *turn to Lily*

Lily: *shrugs* You've got to give my son props for developing a brain in that household.

unless of course it involved punching somebody.

Remus: Uh-oh.

Lily: He wouldn't dare touch my son...

Dudley's favorite punching bag was Harry

Lily: *gasp* Oh no you didn't! *snaps*

but he couldn't often catch him. Harry didn't look it, but he was very fast.

Lily/James: That's my son!

Lily: Excuse you.

James: He is my son!

Lily: We'll see.

Perhaps it had something to do with living in a dark cupboard,

Lily: MY BABY.

but Harry had always been small and skinny for his age.

Remus: *laughs*

James/Lily: What?

Remus: Oh...er...nothing. It's just that...*laughs* unless you two were raised in cupboards, I think small and skinny is just in the genes.

Lily: I am not small and skinny!

James: You were as an eleven-year-old.

Lily: Was not!

James: Was too!

Lily: Was not!

James: Was too!

Lily: *hisses* I was not!

He looked even smaller and skinnier than he really was because all he had to wear were old clothes of Dudley's

Lily: They don't even buy him proper clothes!

James: *snort* Can you imagine the sweat stains on Dudley's shirts?

Lily: Oh, ew, ew, ew, ew! My baby!

and Dudley was about four times bigger than he was.

Boys: *laugh*

Lily: Well, if there's possibly any one good thing about my son being mistreated, it's that at least he didn't end up like Free Willy over there.

Boys: *blank looks*

Lily: *sigh* Muggle reference...Free Willy was a killer whale.

Boys: Oh! Aha ha ha ha ha ha.

James: Jolly good laugh.

Remus: Good joke, there, miss.

Lily: Screw you.

Harry had a thin face

Lily: *stares at James* You'd better stop giving my son your features.

James: I can't help it!

knobbly knees

Lily: Knobbly knees! Honestly! Who has knobbly knees?

Remus: Obviously James.

James: *to Remus* Thanks, Moony.

black hair, and bright green eyes

Lily: *breaks down crying* He has my eyes! My son has my eyes! Not Potter's horrid brown ones!

James: They're hazel, thank you very much.

He wore round glasses

Lily: *jumps up, points her finger accusingly at James* YOU DARE GIVE MY SON YOUR EYESIGHT!

James: It was an accident!

Lily: THIS WHOLE THING WAS AN ACCIDENT! ALL I HAD WANTED WAS A SPERM DONOR AND MY SON ENDED UP WITH YOUR GENES!

James: A sperm donor!? That's what you claim our marriage was based on?

Lily: Why else would my son end up looking like you? Not that he'll ever properly know what he looks like because you gave him bad eyesight!

James: I didn't mean to!

Lily: You're a terrible father.

James: Aghh! *pulls at hair*

Lily: *sits down again*

held together with a lot of Scotch tape

Lily: Like Spell-O-Tape.

because of all the times Dudley had punched him on the nose.

Lily: *gasp* Bitch!

Remus: Did you just call Dudley...a boy...a bitch?

Lily: Jeez, get with the times, Lupin.

The only thing Harry liked

Remus: Was boys.

James/Lily: What?

Remus: Well, it was the first thing that came to mind.

Sirius: Awkward...heh.

about his own appearance was a very thin scar on his forehead that was shaped like a bolt of lightning.

Lily: My poor son! He likes the remnants of his child-abusing father!

James: I won't say anything, I won't say anything, I will be nice to Evans, I will not provoke Evans...

Lily: My poor son. I can't believe you'd be sick enough to try something like that on my child.

James: I DIDN'T DO A DAMN THING TO YOUR SON! MY SON! OUR SON! THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU AND YOUR OWN TRAGIC FUTURE, BUT ON MINE AS WELL!

Remus: Note how he still says that the world does, to an extent, still revolve around him.

Lily: What are you trying to say, Potter?

James: No more child-abusing jokes. I didn't do that.

Lily: All right then.

Sirius/Remus: *stare*

Remus: Oh my God, they agreed on something!

Lily: Well, goodness, it's not my fault he just lets me walk all over him.

He had had it as long as he could remember,

Sirius: Ooer!

Lily: What?

Sirius: Well, the longest I can remember must've been about twenty-six centimeters...

Lily: You are never allowed to meet my son. Ever.

Sirius: *to James* Godfather?

James: Oh yeah.

and the first question he could ever remember asking his Aunt Petunia was how he had gotten it.

Sirius: Well, you're kind of born with it.

Remus: *sarcastically* Oh, yes, only kind of. Just a little bit.

Sirius: You see, it comes in handy later, when--

Lily: *loudly, over Sirius* When a maaaaaaaan loves a wooomaaaaaaaan...

"In the car crash when your parents died," she had said.

James: Oh, bull shit.

Lily: Really, I'd like to see the car crash that could finish me off.

James: We won't even have a car, Lily.

Lily: Excuse me? You're assuming that we're going to have something to do with each other in the future.

"And don't ask questions."

Lily: And she's stampeding on his first amendment!

Boys: What?

Lily: No--wait--British. Right. Well, I'm sure that parliament has something for free speech that my sister is ripping to shreds with her anti-question rule.

Remus: Actually, according to the first amendment of the American Constitution, the right to free speech can be limited by--

Sirius: HAMSTERS HAMSTERS HAMSTERS.

*silence*

James: It's his automatic response to any kind of history lesson. Usually it's internal, but Sirius has been under a lot of stress lately...

*silence*

*crickets*

Lily: There are no words.