Evidently, Fear is Not a Factor for You!

Day Two: The Great Hall after Dinner

Professor Trelawney: And we're back to Professor Dumbledore's newly established contest! Our first task was to approach a hippogriff and attempt to ride it without bowing. All but Mr. Weasley failed.

Ron (doing a victory dance): King Kong - ain't got nothin' - on me!

Harry: Shut up Ron.

Professor Trelawney: And now, my dears, we've come to our second task!

Harry (smirking): Do I get a thousand Galleons if I win?

Professor Trelawney: I'm afraid you do not my dear! But if you continue to interrupt me, you will surely die a most horrible death!

Hermione: Would you give it up already? My gosh, how long has it been?

Draco: Stop interrupting Professor Trelawney, Mudbloods!

Ron: For your information, you son-of-a-Death Eater, Harry and I are not Mudbloods.

Hermione: Oh, and I am?

Ron: And neither is Hermione! Sorry for the slow uptake Hermy...

Hermione: Don't make me slap you Ronald Weasley. You know I despise that nickname.

Professor Trelawney: My dears calm yourselves! We must proceed with the second task!

Draco: I quite agree Professor.

Ron: Okay, I know you suck up to Snape, but this old fraud?

Professor Trelawney: Your second task, my dears; you must resist the effects of the Imperius Curse.

Hermione: All right, first of all that's illegal; second of all, doesn't that give Harry somewhat of an unfair advantage?

Harry (doing the cabbage patch dance): Hell yeah!

Draco: Stop it Potter, you stupid great prat, or I'll hex you like there's no tomorrow.

Ron (sniggering): You're just jealous.

Professor Trelawney: We have chosen the lucky student who is to attempt the task first, and that student is...

Harry (quietly): Not me, not, not me, anyone but me, please not me...

Professor Trelawney: Mr. Malfoy is first in line again!

Draco: DAMNIT! How come Potter doesn't have to go first? He was the one begging not to go this time!

Professor Trelawney: That, my dear is irrelevant. If you please, Mr. Malfoy.

Ron (under his breath): I can't wait to see Malfoy under the Imperius Curse.

Harry: Do you trust Trelawney with a wand?

Ron: Not at all.

Professor Trelawney raises her wand, points it at Draco and yells "Crucio!" Draco screams in pain and agony, then stops after several seconds.

Draco (rubbing his sore body): Professor! That was the Cruciatus Curse!

Professor Trelawney: So it was! I suppose I was not concentrating hard enough on the curse I was attempting. Let's try again.

Harry (in a whisper): Dude, I'm not so sure about this.

Ron: I don't blame you mate. But hey; at least she put the Cruciatus Curse on Malfoy! I wonder if she did it on purpose...

Professor Trelawney attempts to put Draco under the Imperius Curse again; this time she succeeds. Draco looks oddly blank for sixty seconds, and then begins to confess false love for Hermione.

Draco (oddly blank): Hermione I love you, I've always loved you...

Hermione: Professor! What are you playing at?!

Draco: Say you'll love me forever, my Hermione...

Draco then stops abruptly and begins confessing his love for Harry.

Draco (oddly blank): Harry I love you, I've always loved you...

Harry: Now this is getting out of hand Professor. I demand that you lift that Imperius Curse this instant; Malfoy's freaking me out.

Professor Trelawney (lifting the Imperius Curse): Very well my dear. It is time for the next contestant anyhow. That lucky Hogwarts student is...Mr. Weasley!

Ron: Do I have to?

Professor Trelawney: Yes, Mr. Weasley, you do!

Ron (looking skeptically puzzled): Why?

Professor Trelawney: Because the Headmaster - and I - said so! Now, Mr. Weasley, to the center of the room if you would!

Draco (back to himself): Stop whining Weasley!

Ron: Shut up Malfoy!

Professor Trelawney approaches Ron, points her wand at him and calls "Imperio!" Ron, like Draco, stands oddly blank for a moment, and then begins doing the routine to Britney Spears' "Oops...I Did It Again."

Hermione: Ron looks like such an idiot.

Harry: He's doing Britney Spears' "Oops...I Did It Again" routine; what'd you expect? Britney's on crack in the video and the song sucks.

Professor Trelawney (after lifting the Imperius Curse from Ron): Well! I see no one was able to throw off the curse so far. Miss Granger, you're next!

Harry (doing a jig): Yes! I'm last!

Hermione: Don't brag you prat.

Harry (frowning): You only call Draco a prat (tears welling up in his eyes)...I'm gonna cry, Hermione!

Hermione: Oh grow up, Harry!

Hermione approaches Professor Trelawney and as she does, Professor Trelawney points her wand at Hermione and cries "Imperio!" Hermione, like the rest, looks oddly blank for an infinitesimal moment, and then begins to act like a black guy from the ghetto.

Hermione (holding her hand like a gun to Harry's chest): What's up, fool? Better get the fuck away from me white boy, 'fo I bust a cap in yo' ass.

Harry: Hmmm...well, of all the bizarre acts I've seen today, this by far takes the cake. Oh well; at least no one could throw off the curse!

Hermione: Who the hell you think you talkin' to, snowflake? I'ma whup yo' snowflake ass, bitch.

Ron: Oh this is too odd.

Professor Trelawney (lifting the Imperius Curse): And I'm quite sure that leaves us with only one contestant; Mr. Potter!

Harry: My turn, my turn!

Draco: Potter, I swear to you that I will curse your entire family if you continue with that utter nonsense. And yes, I can curse your dead parents as well.

Harry: You sound ridiculous Malfoy.

Draco: WHAT?! I sound ridiculous?

Professor Trelawney: Mr. Potter, if you please!

Harry: Sorry Professor.

Professor Trelawney points her wand at Harry and yells "Imperio!" Harry, however, simply closes his eyes and keeps them closed until he suddenly shouts...

Harry (under the Imperius Curse): Kiss my ass, Trelawney!

Ron: Haha, way to go mate!

Draco: Wow Potter, I didn't think you had it in you.

Professor Trelawney: If I'm not mistaken, Mr. Potter is the winner for today's task!

Draco: But Professor! He told you to kiss his ass! Doesn't he deserve some type of, I dunno...punishment?

Professor Trelawney: Oh no my dear! Mr. Potter was under the Imperius Curse!

Hermione: But did you tell him to tell you to kiss his ass?

Professor Trelawney: Well, no, but that is of no importance! Of course an atrociously mundane female such as yourself would not understand!

Hermione: Whatever.

Professor Trelawney: Well my dears, you may proceed back to your dormitories. We need to partake in another break for - commercials, is it? - yes, commercials. But we will return with the third and final task of Professor Dumbledore's newly established contest!

Harry: I don't think I'll be participating - it'll be too traumatic.

Professor Trelawney: Oh but you must my dear! Do you want to trip and fall into an active volcano?

Ron: Wow, haven't heard that one.

Professor Trelawney: Yes, now, back up the castle with you! We will be informing you of the next task's date!

Hermione: Take your time.

We will return! What will the third task be? Can they overcome it? And who will win the jackpot of No End-of-Term Exams? Tune in next time to find out!