Evidently, Fear is Not a Factor for You!

Day One: Hagrid's Pumpkin Patch

Professor Trelawney: Hello my dears! And welcome to the exclusive day one of Professor Dumbledore's newly established contest, called...I don't know what. I am your host/Divination teacher, Sibyll Trelawney.

Harry: You mean to tell me that you have absolutely no idea why you dragged us out here? I'm going back to bed. (Turns to go)

Professor Trelawney: Mr. Potter! Oh dear, your scar!

Harry: What about my scar?

Professor Trelawney: It is in the shape of a lightning bolt!

Harry: Professor Trelawney; it's always been in the shape of a lightning bolt.

Professor Trelawney: Yes, but that doesn't stop it from being horribly dangerous! I am a Seer, Mr. Potter; I have the Sight. I know these things.

Ron (under his breath): You do not.

Professor Trelawney: Well! I think the time has come to introduce you all to the first task!

Harry: Didn't I do this two years ago?

Professor Trelawney: My dear, please do not interrupt! You will surely die an early death or have a horrible accident if you do!

Hermione: I haven't got time for this! Get on with it you old bat!

Draco: You know Granger, you're sexy when you're angry.

Hermione: Shut up Malfoy.

Professor Trelawney: The first task my dears! Your first task is as follows: you must approach a hippogriff and attempt to ride it...

Harry: You must be kidding me.

Professor Trelawney: I have not finished dear! You must approach the hippogriff and attempt to ride it...without bowing.

Harry: Like I said; you must be kidding me.

Professor Trelawney: The student with the fastest time moves on! The slowest pokie goes hokie.

Ron: Hokie? You mean, home? Wouldn't it just be back to their dormitory? And what the hell is a pokie or a hokie? You're confusing me Professor.

Professor Trelawney: We've already randomly selected the lucky student to go first, and that lucky student is...

Draco (quietly): Not me, not me, not me, anyone but me, please not me...

Professor Trelawney: Mr. Malfoy!

Draco: Damnit!

Harry: You tried to fake an injury from a hippogriff before, remember? Hopefully this time it'll be real. Shouldn't be too hard, should it Malfoy?

Draco: One more word, Potter, and my father...

Harry: Daddy's boy, daddy's boy!

Professor Trelawney: Boys, boys! Mr. Malfoy, if you please!

Draco: Sorry Professor.

*Draco approaches hippogriff; attempts to climb onto its back without bowing; hippogriff wounds him...for real this time.*

Draco: Ugh! Not fair! Professor, can I have another go?

Professor Trelawney: Oh no my dear, I'm sorry. You will surely...

Ron: Fall off a cliff? Drown in the lake? Get killed by Lord Voldemort using Avada Kedavra?

Professor Trelawney: All of those things! But anyway, Miss Granger, you will be next.

Hermione: Why me?

Ron (snigger): Better you than us.

Hermione: Fine!

*Hermione approaches the hippogriff. Tries a few words of encouragement, but they don't work. Hermione is also wounded by hippogriff.*

Hermione: I'm Muggle-born you know, and...

Draco: You mean Mudblood.

Hermione: Shut up Malfoy! Anyway, I'm a Muggle-born and I watch TV. I've seen Fear Factor before! This isn't normally how it's done, I know it isn't...

Professor Trelawney (ignoring her): Moving on, my dears! The next student to battle the hippogriff will be...Mr. Weasley!

Ron: I knew it! How did I know I'd be next?

Hermione: Good luck Ron. I hardly think it'll be a battle. After all; it's just a hippogriff.

Draco (nursing his injury): Oh easy for you to say, you bushy-haired, bucked-toothed, smarty-pants Mudblood!

Professor Trelawney: Ooh, look at this my dears! It is time for a...break! A commercial break, as the Headmaster told me. We will return shortly!

Stay tuned for the next two contenders in Dumbledore's version of...Fear Factor! Will Ron make it past the hippogriff? Will Harry? And what will the second task be? These questions and more will be answered, so don't touch that...dial! Mouse! Whatever! Just don't go anywhere!