If Love is a Game...

Chapter Seventeen

Pain, Misery, and Many Metaphors

Remus was just passing the infirmary when he thought he saw two familiar people in it. He stopped, which he did not want to do at the moment, and walked a little backwards. He looked inside and had a large shock: Sara was helping Peter get into one of the Hospital beds. Remus checked to see if anyone was watching and when seeing that he was alone, he slipped in and shut the door behind himself.
"Sara, what happened?" Remus asked curiously. Sara immediately looked up at him and gaped at him for a few seconds until she replied, "Oh, Peeves pushed him down the stairs into the Slytherin dungeons and then Bellatrix Black got hold of him..."
Remus looked down at Peter, who looked like he'd just gotten into a fight with Sirius in his animagus form. He frowned at him and cast the door a quick, nervous glance. He looked back down at Peter, the sun was setting rather fast and the dark was shining through. Sara looked up at him uneasily and saw his anxiousness.
"What's wrong, Remus?" she asked quietly, stepping away from the bed to help Madam Pomfrey pull the curtains back so Peter could change. He looked up into her eyes, his own wide with fear. His mind seemed to be on the blank. As terrifying as it was, there was only one thing on his mind:
The sun is setting! The sun is setting! The sun is setting!
The sun was setting, and this was not going to be any normal night. He wondered if she could notice how he looked--how peaky he looked today. And yet, it was going to be alright because Peter was here and he could at least be with him. But Peter was injured and was going to have to stay in the Hospital Wing all night. He was alone--and the sun was setting fast. He could not tell Sara what was wrong because he hadn't told anyone yet. Not even Lorena knew yet. He began to panic in silence, his eyes snapping in every direction. She couldn't possibly help him at all. The sun was setting and the full moon was rising on him too fast.
"Remus, what's wrong?" Sara repeated firmly, looking concernedly at him. Remus was losing all sense to his reality. He wouldn't tell her, but what was he supposed to do? The moon was rising and he couldn't be here when that happened. No, no, definitely not; that was out of the question. He did the only thing he could do: He ran.
He ran out of the Hospital Wing without another word, even though his body was weak with fatigue and his mind was aching of fear. What if he didn't make it? He hadn't gone through a transformation without the rest of the Marauders since they'd become animages. He paid no attention to Sara calling for him, asking him what was wrong; he just ran.
The sun had retreated behind the trees; he was losing time so quickly. Panic shook his chest even as he ran for the entrance of the place he called his "Third Home"; everyone would be safe once he was there. But he wasn't so sure he was going to make it. He was running so fast that his vision was blurry. He stepped on a patch of ice and tripped, falling face first into the ice covered ground. As he struggled to his feet in a never ending dread, he could taste the blood trickling from his upper lip. But he didn't care if the small gash was stinging like mad; he could literally feel his skin burning with itches and his bones gnashing at each other painfully as the sun light that shined over the tree tops slowly faded into a purple and dark blue sky.
Remus forced himself to get to his feet and he continued his sprint for the Whomping Willow. Though his mind was racing with thoughts of the terror of failing to reach his destiny in time, his chest burned with the fury to get there. He didn't care if he was cut by the Whomping Willow's attacking branches because Peter was not there to touch the knot; he had no choice but to get there in any way possible. He didn't stop to find a long stick to prod the knot with; he just dove in head first for the knot. He growled when he came to a crash by the trunk of the tree, slamming against it. He lay there perfectly still for what seemed like minutes, but in reality only a second. As sticks poked him ruthlessly, he slammed the palm of his hand on the knot and its attack immediately ceased.
His weakness and sickness slowly began to take a toll on his body and mind. Although his heart was beating feverishly at the speed of light, his mind began slowing down and his body began to ache terribly as he realized the moon was just behind some clouds and the sun was almost gone. He threw himself back to his feet and stumbled down the hole by the Whomping Willow. He forced himself to continue on as the lights blurred and the dark tunnel turned into two separate tunnels he was walking down. The world turned sideways and he fell against the wall on the dirt tunnel. He pushed himself up and stumbled down the dark tunnel. He had to get there, and he would...
Maybe it was luck that slowed the sun down; Remus would never know. He saw the door ahead of him at last. Through all the darkness, he saw the beginning of another long, painful night, but another safe night for the rest of Hogwarts. He opened the door and collapsed inside, tasting the dust as he took deep gasping breaths. He, somehow, managed to kick the door shut and lock it.
It was right then, that the pain overtook his diluted body. It was excruciating, yes, very excruciating indeed. He had sometimes compared it to the Crutacious Curse, it was so agonizing. He clenched his fists together and his mind screamed for him not to cry. He was seventeen, but as the tears threatened his eyes because of the pain, he felt like he was six once again. He screamed out loud as he felt like he was being torn apart from the inside out, his insides burning horrendously. And as he began transforming into a demented werewolf, his last human thought floated through his mind:
I'm going to be alone.
~*~
Krystyna had felt quite horrible the next morning. What with the "joyful" prospect of going to the Malfoy Manor to smile and fake out a friendship between Lucius and her, she was feeling queasy. She lay in bed for an hour just staring at the ceiling and wondering if Sirius was having a better holiday than she was. She knew he was; she could feel it...
After another thirty minutes of complete silence of lying in her bed contemplating her life, Krystyna got out of bed and took a shower. She changed into some robes. By now, she was not the only one awake in the house. In fact, everyone else was awake, but she seemed to be the only one in the house. She peered into Andrew's room quietly; it was completely empty and his broom was missing. She chanced a fleeting glance outside and saw him flying over the green meadows happily. At least he could do something enjoyable while she was going to be cooped up in this house, being lectured on how to act properly in front of the Malfoys. Never in her life had she dreaded such a night this much. Her gloom seemed to slow down time for her and she traipsed through the hallways of the house.
Mrs. and Mr. Melanie were gone for the time being, which Krystyna was thankful for. Her father had gone to lunch with Samuel for a "business meeting" of some sort. She had never bothered to ask them what their jobs were; she could care less honestly. Her mother was at lunch with some friends, of course, but she was rather happy for that. She found that she was rather fond of the house when her mother was not home to ruin her pleasure with talks about how Lucius Malfoy was so great...
Marlena and William had gone to a few Christmas parties with William's side of the family, as usual for this time of the year. Of course, that was okay too for Krystyna. She didn't mind if Marlena wasn't here to nag at her and pick at what she wore and hissed things about her personal life with Sirius. Honestly, she was quite glad that the two of them were gone, leaving the house warmer than usual. And of course, with Samuel gone, she could almost feel absolutely free. She didn't have to sit out long interrogations from him about her life; he simply wasn't there to bother her.
However, Krystyna did feel rather lonely. As she stalked through the entire house to find no shred of anyone left in the house, she wished Sirius was here to cheer her up with a joke. Her stomach grumbled and she realized she was hungry. There was one thing good with no one home; she could eat all she wanted, which wasn't much. She meandered into the kitchen to find Samuel's wife, Catherine, was sitting at the table, drinking hot tea and reading the Daily Prophet. Krystyna froze for a second to watch her and Catherine looked up at her. She smiled warmly and sat her mug down. She folded the Prophet up and sat in down on the table next to the mug.
"Ah, Krystyna, you're awake," Catherine said softly. "I thought you might sleep the day away." She sat down in the seat across from Catherine and sighed sadly.
"I wish I could have," Krystyna murmured desolately. She looked down at the table and put both hands in her hair despairingly. She was tired of all the fighting between her family and her. She just wanted them to accept her for who she was, but they fought back. They wanted to mold her into the perfect Melanie when all she wanted to do was be the opposite. She was just tired of almost her complete life; there were some things she loved that were left in this cold world. Life breathed into her, but took her breath away just as quickly when she needed it the most and she was left to gasp for air. Catherine looked at her rather motherly and gave a prolong sigh.
"Is there something bothering you, Krystyna?" she asked serenely. "Is there something I can help you with? I've seen you around this house all this time. It's the beginning of Christmas and every time I see you, you're frowning dejectedly. You're floating around this house like a ghost, depressed and distant. I've never seen anyone so unhappy before in my life. It's contagious, really. Every time I see you, a gloomy fog hangs over me. Please, if there's anything wrong, tell me and I might be able to help you."
Krystyna gazed at a small burn mark on the table (Andrew created it five summers ago when he'd accidentally set off a firework when their mother was pestering him) for what seemed like minutes. They sat in total silence; Catherine peering at her with concern and Krystyna staring at the burn mark on the table aimlessly.
"You could only help if you if you're not like any of my family," Krystyna muttered. She continued to stare at the burn, feeling suddenly depressed. What was it with her when she was alone like this? One minute she was livid or elated and when she falls into her dormitory alone after a wild day, she feels completely miserable. She could cry for hours, if she cried. She'd learned after years of a hard life what to do and what not to do. And if there was one thing she had learned not to do, it was to never show your weakness. She never cried in public. It was just her. She wasn't a crying person; it just wasn't her thing, crying. But when she was in the silent sanctity of her room, she would weep and whimper, feeling as if the ground underneath was going to crumble and she was going to fall into the black hole she was warned she would fall into...
"Listen; I have a cousin that married a Muggle-born wizard and she's still my favourite cousin," Catherine noted softly. And then, feeling as if she had nothing to lose, Krystyna looked up at Catherine placidly, her dark green eyes slowly filling with anguish.
"It seems as though my family would rather me wallow in distress and melancholy than be filled with bliss and contentment," Krystyna murmured miserably. "They'd rather see me cower and shrivel up under their ever longing power over me than see me smile and laugh for once. Has it ever occurred to them that I might not want to be chiseled into the epitome of their style of perfection? Has it ever occurred to them that I might be better off if I chose my own path and treaded my way? Have they even noticed that I can't find any good reason why I should smile ever again? No, no, it's always the same for them. I have to be the perfect Melanie- type woman. I have to do this and do that. No, they don't seem to care if I'm happy or not as long as I do what pleases them."
Catherine put her elbows on the table, despite the fact that it was improper, and lay her chin in the palms of her hands. Catherine had never really taken into notice what this girl was going through. She had always found things about Krystyna through Samuel. She had been told that she was a disobedient, ignorant and independent girl that was rebellious and was friends with a Mudblood. However, from the girl's point of view, she seemed totally different. Mudblood was such a harsh name; Catherine preferred Muggle-born, really. Krystyna continued to practically pour her soul out.
"They scoff the fact that my best friend is a Muggle-born witch, Lily Evans. She's very bright, friendly, beautiful, and understanding. They despise her because of the blood that runs through her veins, but have given her no chance at all to show that her persona radiates wonderfully," Krystyna sighed unhappily. "Yet I always know that they will never realize that friendships do not depend on whether you have Muggle parents or Pure Blooded parents; they depend on how well you fit together and how much you can count on each other when you really need someone to be loyal to you. Of course, maybe that's too deep for them and they're too thick to understand..."
Catherine gave a light chuckle and smiled casually. Krystyna sighed exasperatedly and shook her head, looking out of the window just in time to see Andrew dive at some birds wildly on his broom. But even that could not make her smile, even though she felt like smiling for once. She looked back at the table again.
"I know that it must be hard on you to have a Muggle-born witch for a friend and your parents absolutely detesting them," Catherine chirped smoothly. Krystyna looked up at her. She had no idea what it was like. "I, myself, got along well with a girl who was Muggle-born. Needless to say, my parents weren't very pleased with me and I got punished..."
"What happened?" Krystyna asked curiously. The older woman sighed rather regretfully.
"We separated out paths, of course," Catherine replied wistfully. "I couldn't stand the punishment my parents gave me and I fell out of place. I let it slip to the girl and she felt as though it would be better if we split our ways. I wasn't happy, but I never could stand up. My parents always had said that was the smartest thing I could've done. Maybe that's why I was placed in Ravenclaw rather than Gryffindor; I was smart, but a coward."
"Which is better? Being brave but average or being brilliant yet frightened?" Krystyna asked, wanting to know her opinion very badly. She pondered this, as all Ravenclaws would do.
"Well... It is always better to know what you're doing before you dive in head first into danger, but what is the point of knowing so much yet being too afraid to use any of it for great causes," Catherine replied brilliantly. Krystyna raised her eyebrows. "I find that the there in the conclusion is neither. It is neither because they are of no use. Brilliant minds that sit in the safe haven of their homes because they are afraid are just as defective as fools who rush into battle without having a strategy."
"That's an interesting conclusion to the question," Krystyna sighed thoughtfully. "But, of course, Lily as my best friend has not been the worst of my problems with my parents. You see, I am more flawed than they would like their heir to be. I'm the blemish in all of this perfection here. I'm supposed to be like everyone else here, a manageable robot at their command with no imperfections, but I'm trying to control my own life and making blunders. I'm literally my parents' only mistake. I'm the only faulty person trying to live my own dysfunctional life here in Perfectville."
Catherine chuckled a little again. The light was shining more in through the door that led out into the garden and then to the tranquil meadows. The birds chirping their songs calmed Krystyna down and the light breeze coming through an open window cooled her heated blood.
"Everyone is defective," Catherine told her, as if she was a young girl. Krystyna grinned mischievously and nodded her head.
"True, true, no one's perfect, but my parents expect me to be perfect on Melanie standards," she explained sarcastically, but truthfully. It seemed strange, but it was accurate. "And so far, I'm failing miserably."
Catherine chuckled a little again. "How can they expect you to be perfect when nobody's perfect?" she asked, giggling in spite of her manners. Krystyna's grin didn't fade.
"Listen; if they heard you say that, here's what they would say: 'Krystyna's nobody, so therefore, if nobody is perfect, she is perfect.' I promise you, that's probably what they would say in response," Krystyna replied, grinning. But then, her grin slipped off her face quickly and she was sad again. Laughter reminded her of Sirius and her friends and she was having problems with all of that right now. Catherine noticed and immediately stopped giggling. She frowned again.
"Okay, so being friends with Lily Evans is not as bad as this next problem," Catherine noted calmly, taking her chin off of her hands and folded her hands together, setting them on the table. She stretched her back straight again. "What is it?"
"My parents are even more strict about who I'm seeing, if you catch my drift," Krystyna murmured, miserably again. "It's a rather complicated predicament I've gotten myself tangled into. I've found myself falling in love with a boy I never thought I'd like. Whoever said love was unpredictable was absolutely right about that. I hated that boy beyond all reasons. He was arrogant; he was ignorant; he was haughty; he was a fool; he bullied some kids that annoyed him; he hexed random people in the hallways when he was just bored. And he annoyed me greatly."
Catherine started giggling again and took a drink of her hot tea to stop herself. This was more complicated than she had banked on. She hadn't known that this girl's life was so intricate before now and she was starting to feel more rueful for her than she had felt for anyone else. Krystyna actually smiled at the mere thought of the boy she liked. He must've been great because this was the first time she'd saw a real smile from her.
"And then this year, it all changed. From a seemingly harmless joke, I got locked in a closet with him for an entire night, but instead of being terrible like I thought it would be, I really connected with him," Krystyna said meditatively, looking up at the ceiling. "He came from a family that hated him; they thought he was faulty too, but he accepted it and took his life into his own hands. He left the old life he hated behind and found a new life that he preferred by far with his friends and what he cared about. He said I was brave, for staying here to take the punishment, but I always wonder if I'm being to coward by staying because I'm afraid of making a mistake. If life's about taking chances, I wonder if I've taken enough. I know I had taken a handful when I laid my head against his shoulder that night, but, you know, I didn't care at all then and now I'm dealing with the consequences. I wonder if I was one of those fools that dove head first into battle without a strategy..."
She sighed and shook her head lightly. Catherine watched as the lighting on her face expressed the delicate features on her face beautifully, a string of her black hair falling against the cheek of her face, but never looking out of place.
"And as I sat in my bed this morning, I began to realize that I am one of those fools. Someone said only fools fall in love, and hey, I'm one of those hopeless fools, but I'm proud to be one. This was one of the best things that could've ever happened to me," Krystyna said serenely. "Maybe that's why I'm in Gryffindor and not in Ravenclaw, who knows. He's done wonders for me. He's helped me get through the ghosts of my past better than anyone else I've known because he's been through the exact same thing too. Another friend of mine, Lorena Fawcett, she's going through the exact same thing right now--well, maybe not the love part, but she's getting close to that--and she's very troubled. But that boy, I don't know how he does it, but he makes me feel like the world. He makes me feel perfect..."
Another fleeting smile flew on her face for just seconds. It disappeared again, but the shadow of it was still there and it was still in her eyes. Catherine noticed that she had a astonishing smile.
"And I love him. I know it sounds silly, but through all the rows I've had with him and despite all the years I've told myself I've despised him for his ridiculous arrogance, I love him now. He's stopped hexing people randomly, with the exception of a few unnamed people, and he's stopped flaunting around like he's royalty and a genius. He's changed into a handsome and brilliant young man that I've grown to love and know, which is perfectly fine with me. He's caring; he's loyal; he's gentle; he's wonderful; he's handsome; he knows me; he respects me; he treats me like I never thought I could be treated; he accepts me for who I am; and he loves me back. Maybe I'm just a silly girl with silly little dreams, but I can tell you exactly how I felt the first night he told me he loved me while I was in his arms."
She took a deep breath and sighed sadly. Another wistful smile and it had disappeared. Catherine had never seen her smile so much. He must've been a wonderful boy. She didn't see the flaw.
"There's just one huge problem," Krystyna claimed, leaning back in her chair.
"And what's that?" Catherine asked calmly.
"The boy I'm truly in love with is Sirius Black," Krystyna said with a faint grin. Catherine raised her eyebrows at her. She just stared at her for a minute or two in silence. Yes, now she saw the complication for her. Sirius Black was a Blood Traitor and had turned his back on his family. That was considered to be just as bad as a Mudblood. He was rebellious and she came from a good family. And she seemed to be quite taken with him all of the way. But, all in all, it was Krystyna's life and not her family's to control. She could be in love with anyone she liked.
"Well, if that's who you love, then there's no stopping you, is there?" Catherine replied smoothly. Krystyna raised her eyebrows a little. "If the wind is blowing a storm from the ocean onto land, but you don't want it to storm, can you blow it away? No, you cannot; it will pour, flash, and rumble. If a wave is about to crash down, but you don't want it to, can you tell it to stop? No, you cannot; it will simply crash down upon you. If you have fallen deeply in love with Sirius Black, but your parents don't want you to, can they force you to stop loving him? No, they cannot. No matter how hard they try to make you stop, you'll love him. If they make you stop seeing each other all together, will you have stopped loving him? No, of course not; you will love him because love is a strong bond that ties two people together unlike anything other. It is not their life to live, but yours so they can't do much about it, can they? They can fuss and punish you all they want, but your love for him will always break through it all. If it's what the heart truly desires and needs, then so be it."
Krystyna was in some initial shock. That had been amazing. Out of everyone that found out in her Pure-blooded maniac family, Catherine had given her something she could learn from. She had given her almost vital information and it, in fact, comforted her. She gave her a longer smile as the happiness glimmered in her eyes. Catherine gave a light smile.
"Wow, that was beautiful and thank you for telling me that," Krystyna said quietly. Catherine inclined her head slightly. But Krystyna sighed sadly again. She wondered what else was wrong in this poor girl's life that was making her so unhappy.
"Is there more?" Catherine asked worriedly.
Krystyna grinned grimly. "Oh yes, much more," she said miserably. "It has always been a pang for my mother and father that I do not want to marry Lucius Malfoy and have his children. They insist that he is the best man in the world for me; he should definitely be my husband. He is handsome; he is brilliant; he is rich; he is a Pure-Blood; and he is loyal to his family. Look at him; he's the best guy in the world because he is perfect. Ha, he's hardly perfect! If my parents could only see him at school...actually, they would probably like him even more..."
Catherine chuckled loudly and choked on her hot tea. She sat the mug down on the table and sighed as she watched her. She looked as if she saw something amusing.
"Well it's true. They think he's the bloody best man in the world for me to marry! And I keep telling them that it's not going to happen, ever. He calls Lily a Mudblood--which I so detest--he gets on his own cousin's nerves--Lorena--he calls my other friend, Sara Whitfield, a Blood Traitor, he gets in scuffles with Sirius and James Potter all of the time, he hexes Gryffindors just for the heck of it, and he annoys the crap out of me," Krystyna complained. "He likes me so much, but he annoys me. He corners me in the hallways and follows me. He creeps me out and I don't like him. He and Sirius butt heads all of the time."
She chortled at something that came to mind. She sighed exasperatedly and shook her head slowly, putting her fingers together and taking in another deep breath, the pleasant scent of the winter air filling the atmosphere.
"It's ironic, honestly. I mean, the way fate twists for me so much. I feel like the path I'm treading upon is zigzagging zealously as I go. I suppose it's just another twist of fate for me," Krystyna mused reflectively. "I suppose it's just another cruel irony for me. How I seem to fall to for the boy I'm supposed to hate and hate the boy I'm supposed to fall for."
Krystyna chortled out loud again and Catherine smiled lightly. She looked outside and saw that Andrew was walking back toward them. He opened the door and walked inside, his shoes dirty and his hair very windblown. He took his shoes off immediately and smelled the hot tea.
"Hot tea any of you?" Catherine asked serenely.
"I think I'll pass," Andrew noted. "I'm having some pumpkin juice." He immediately got into the food as Krystyna grinned, thinking of Sirius.
"I'll take some, Catherine," Krystyna quipped gently. Catherine smiled. It was amazing, really; another one of those ironies in her complicated life. How the one person to truly understand her was married to the one person who would never understand her.
She chortled at the irony as Catherine poured her some hot tea and Andrew sat down at the table, conversing on who had the chance to win the Quidditch World Cup this year. He had suggested the Wimbourgn, England Wasps. Catherine had noted on the Bulgarian team. Krystyna had chortled and said the Chudley Cannons, laughing at what Lorena would say if she found out that she had suggested the Tornadoes instead. It was a crime to go against the Chudley Cannons to Lorena. Andrew and Catherine had laughed at her for saying that. And for the first time in many years, Krystyna could actually smile and laugh for real in this house of her parents...
She had never thought she would have been able to smile and laugh inside this house again. It was truly a miracle, and quite ironic. Fate was never so simple for her, and she was going to learn even more after the days to come. It was always cruel to her, it seemed.