In All the Thunder

Chapter Ten: Harry's First Birthday

Krystyna rubbed her eyes again and picked up a paper. She put her glasses back on and re-read the paper for what felt like the twentieth time tonight. She couldn't seem to get anywhere; it was like she was stuck at a dead end street. No matter how much it hurt her to even think it, she was as far as she could ever go in this case for now.

But she was determined not to ever give up. She was not about to give up. No matter how much James hoarsely mumbled at how it was "hopeless", Krystyna was not going to let some stupid Death Eaters squirm out of the crime they committed. Somewhere, somehow, one of them had made a mistake that she would catch - and they would pay severely.

It was this determination that caused many sleepless nights, which was due from all of the coffee she drank because of her resolve to close this case with a somewhat happy ending. Krystyna felt as if she could not settle back down into her normal life if she didn't finish this; it was something that was still wreaking havoc on her mind, even after a month. This was a do or die thing for her; it was a must, en essential now. If she didn't close this case, she'd never be able to have the closure she desperately desired.

It was around two in the morning, and the candle was down to its last hour of light. Krystyna was reviewing all of the weak evidence and reports of Sara's disappearance. If Sara was truly dead (which Krystyna tried her best not to think about), then all Krystyna wanted was to give Sara the justice she so rightly deserved. If it had to be one-by-one, each Death Eater would be going down.

"Krystyna, mm, come to bed, please." Sirius shuffled into the room. His eyelids drooped over his eyes; he was limp and half-asleep. Krystyna continued to look at the report in her hand, and she waved him away dismissively. Sirius would only understand what she was feeling if Remus or Peter disappeared (he was much too close to James). Sara had been more than a best friend, but a good sister she had never had.

"Sirius, I have to read this," Krystyna told him automatically. Sirius put his hands on her shoulders and began to squeeze them. She groaned. Her shoulders had been so tense and his massages felt really good right now. No matter how much she wanted to tell him to stop, she couldn't bring herself to do it. She was tense almost all of the time now from her late nighters; and this was relaxing her so much. She felt herself drop the paper and her eyes closing.

"Come to bed, Krys," Sirius pleaded. He sounded very tired; everyone sounded very tired nowadays. It was almost normality.

Lily hadn't been able to sleep for a week; Krystyna had heard it from James, who was trying to keep himself so busy that he wouldn't be able to think about it all. Peter was tired from not able to sleep in fear of another attack or another kidnapping while Remus had been too busy to worry about everyone else, especially Lorena, to get a good night's sleep. Lorena had been having terrible nightmares every time she slept and when she didn't sleep, all she could think about was Sara's disappearance and the guilt. None of this set on Krystyna's mind easily. Sirius had told her that Remus was feeling especially guilty for not having been there for Lorena.

"We have to be rested for tomorrow," Sirius mumbled.

"Why?" Krystyna groaned, rolling her head as Sirius continued to massage her shoulders. It felt so good that she didn't want him to ever stop.

"Remember? We're meeting James, Lily, and little Harry at the park and we're bringing Dahlia," Sirius reminded her.

Krystyna smiled.

Dahlia - every time Krystyna held her baby girl, she felt a surge of joy that she could not suppress. Sara had helped deliver Dahlia, and Krystyna was glad that she had thanked Sara for doing that. Not only did she remind Krystyna of Sirius because of Dahlia's grey eyes, but the baby girl reminded Krystyna of her friend - of her sister - Sara.

"Come to bed, Krystyna," Sirius repeated.

"Alright, I'm coming to bed," Krystyna murmured softly, standing up. She felt so tired and so relaxed now that Sirius had massaged her shoulders. Even with her eyes closed, she could sense that Sirius blew the candle out. In the dark, Sirius guided her through the hall and into the bedroom.

Sirius kissed her tenderly and she lost her balance. They collapsed onto the bed together. He parted and just stared at her. She could see the half moon reflect off of his eyes. He tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ears; she smiled feebly at him. He returned a smile.

"I love you," she whispered. And she did. Oh, she really did love him more than life itself, as she did with Dahlia. She'd die for them both in a second. She was so sincere when she said it to him. She didn't know if she would be able to stand to live without either of them. The only reason she hadn't been admitted into St. Mungos for severe exhaustion was because of Sirius; he was the one holding her up, making sure she didn't crumble in front of Dahlia's young eyes.

"I love you, too," Sirius told her; and he kissed her again. She felt tears sliding down her face; they were salty. She moved to wipe them away, but Sirius grabbed her hand and did it for her with his other hand. She gave him a watery smile and then sniffed.

"I miss her," Krystyna said quietly.

"We all miss her," Sirius replied. They got under the covers, and she felt Sirius snake his arms around her snugly. He knew she liked it when he held her at night, especially these past few weeks. It made her feel safe, like she couldn't be hurt. As long as he held her, she felt that everything was going to be all right; she felt that he would be able to protect her.

Soon, Krystyna heard the soft sounds that told her that Sirius had fallen asleep, and that left her to be awake and feel alone. She gazed out of the window at the stars in the black sky. They were like those stars, she mused; they were spread out in a place that they couldn't control. And when something bad happened, there would be a supernova, and one would leave their number.

She was only one in more than a trillion people. Did her life matter? Did Sara's life matter to all of the rest of those trillions of people out there? Well, Sara's life had meant a lot to more than ten people - ten of those stars in the night sky - and that was enough for Krystyna.

Somewhere out there tonight, James and Lily were asleep on the couch against each other with Harry in Lily's arms, snoozing away. Somewhere, Peter was taking a Sleeping Potion to fall asleep. Somewhere, Remus sat in a chair, reading a book with a mug of milk. And somewhere out there tonight, Lorena was drowning her sorrows in a Firewhiskey at home, feeling overcome by guilt.

Sometime that time, Krystyna fell asleep in Sirius's arms, wishing that the war would just go away and leave them all alone. She dreamed of good things - like when she first met Sara on the train when she was eleven years-old. It had been so long ago that she could just smile and laugh for no reason. Krystyna wished that nothing had changed since then; she wanted to be that eleven year-old girl again.

~*~

Lorena reviewed her paperwork again for the tenth time. Nothing could be wrong. After having a rough time questioning Rookwood (he nearly began to bawl his eyes out at the end of the interrogation), she was in the difficult position of gathering up her new information. She knew that there was a lot riding on this case - she'd become deathly aware of its importance weeks ago - and she wasn't about to let Rookwood get away with it now. Those Death Eaters made the biggest mistake of their lives when they messed with her - and let her live to tell the tale.

"Azkaban's too nice for them," Lorena mumbled to herself. She sighed and sat the papers back down onto her desk. It wasn't that late, but late enough that she wanted to go to bed. She'd looked over everything and checked everything twenty times at least. She deserved a good night's sleep.

But in the back of her mind, Lorena was dreading going to bed. She hated going to bed now because every time she fell asleep, she dreamed. And every dream she had now was a nightmare of the worse night in her entire life. She closed her eyes and gulped. Each one was just as horrible as the other, but still, none of them could compare to the sheer terror she had experienced on the true night.

Lorena shivered and opened her eyes. She shouldn't be thinking about it; she didn't want to think about it or ever remember it again. All she wanted to do was to just obliviate that part of her past in her mind. It was horrible; and it sent her into a spiral of disarray every time she woke up to another nightmare about it. She shook her head at herself again.

Why am I even thinking about this? Lorena thought glumly. Remember what the psychiatrist said, "Think happy thoughts!" It's not like I'm trying to do the Patronus Charm or anything.

Lorena didn't really go to a psychiatrist (although half the people at her firm and even James - but very jokingly - told her she needed to go to one), but Remus could've been considered one. He'd been just as bent out of shape as she had been in the aftermath of the attack. In fear that she would do something drastic (or very insane, she mused), Remus had been giving her long talks. It wasn't as if she didn't like them because some of them really helped her and it was cute to see him so frazzled actually, but the meaning behind it all kept coming back to her - why he was so frazzled in the first place.

Lorena bit her lip. Her eyes travelled down to the bottom drawer on the left and they lingered there for a while. All she had to do was reach down there, open it up, and there would be her freedom from this mental anguish. That was all she had to do. But she had to resist the urge to do it; she couldn't do it. She'd promised herself that she would stop. Her hands were shaking; her heart was racing; and her head was throbbing badly. All she had to do was open the bloody drawer and all of her troubles would all be gone - for a while at least.

The nerves got the best of Lorena and she wrenched it open. The item in the drawer made a clink when it hit the wood. She just stared at it, blood pounding in her ears. All she had to do was open the drawer and she had, and her escape was just sitting in front of her eyes. But suddenly, she found that she couldn't move. It all seemed so simple, but she had promised herself that there would be no more of this.

There, sitting in the drawer so innocently, was a bottle of Firewhiskey.

Just take one drink, that's it, a voice in the back of Lorena's mind whispered. She began to nod her head, and she reached for the bottle. She licked her lips and began to sweat. Somehow, she could already feel the sweet, bitter taste in her mouth, the faint burn down her throat, and the warm feeling when it set in her stomach. It was almost unbearable. Almost there...almost there...

Don't...

It had been a small voice, but Lorena had heard it. The bottle was just centimetres from the tips of her fingers, but she had stopped. She had stopped herself. Then, Lorena began to realize that she was falling apart and that downing a whole bottle of Firewhiskey and then some was not going to solve any of her problems, if not make them worse. Slowly, almost reluctantly, she pulled her hand away from the bottle and wiped the sweat off of her face. She bit her lip and closed the drawer shut with her foot.

"What was I thinking?" Lorena said out loud to herself. She shook her head and turned around.

Tonight was definitely not the night to go on a drinking binge. How horrible would that have been? She was doing something very important, and it wasn't just the work she was reviewing. She was watching over Harry tonight because Lily and James were actually going on a date again. True, Remus was here, too, but from the sounds of it, he was asleep on the couch again.

"You're barking mad, Fawcett," Lorena muttered as she pushed away from her desk to stand up and stretch and yawn. She blew the candle out and walked into the living room.

Sure enough, Remus was hanging on the couch in an odd way, snoring as if his life depended on it; he hadn't slept much and was especially worn out because the full moon had been last night. Of course, Harry was not asleep; he loved staying up late at night, unlike most babies. She smiled faintly and found that her despair was being worn away at the sight of the baby boy sitting in the middle of the room amidst some of his favourite toys. At the moment, he was jangling a few plastic keys.

"Wotcher, Harry," Lorena said quietly as she walked around the other couch. When she walked in front of him, Harry looked up at her with wide, green eyes. He raised his arms, keys still in hand. She bent down and picked him up. He was light, considering he ate just as much as James. "My place isn't too boring for you, is it?"

Harry made a noise and dropped the keys. Instead, he grabbed at her blond hair and laughed, as he moved his hand around. Her smile broadened. She walked around the room and held him close. She could see why Lily always held Harry when she was worried; he was calming Lorena down at this very moment. He had a mop of black hair on his head already, no doubt from James; it, too, was very messy.

"You're just like your father," Lorena told him, and then she quickly added, "Except a lot less annoying and much cuter."

Lorena passed her large living room window that was almost completely covered by a curtain. Nowadays, she wasn't too fond of windows. She didn't want anybody to be able to see inside, but she had to have it showing just enough so she could see outside. All she could see was Severus Snape's dark house; she didn't know if he was home or not, but, hopefully, he was there and not...somewhere else. Lorena bit her lip and looked at her and Harry's reflection in the window.

"See that house, Harry?" Lorena pointed at Snape's house, and Harry imitated her. She grinned. "Don't you ever go near that prat, hear me? And if you do, please, try to stay out of his sight. I don't think he'd like you that much."

Harry just laughed. Lorena looked at their reflections once more. Something had obviously changed when it came to her; she could see the change in her own eyes. She glanced at Remus quickly and then looked back at her reflection. She sighed. She didn't feel like Lorena Fawcett anymore; she just felt like...Lorena, and that was it, like she didn't have a surname anymore.

Lorena didn't know if she liked the feeling or not. All she knew was that she didn't like what had changed about her on the inside.

She looked at Harry's smiling reflection and she smiled lightly.

~*~

"...happy birthday, dear Harry; happy birthday to you!"

Everyone that stood around the table clapped. James, standing behind Harry, who was in his high chair, bent down and blew out the candles for his son. Harry clapped his hands and laughed, amused. James stood up and kissed his wife, who was wiping her green eyes.

"He's one, James; our little boy is finally one," she said quietly, but she was smiling, nonetheless. James was about to give her another kiss on the cheek when a squeal brought him back to the present.

"Ack, no, Harry!" It had been Lorena. James whipped his head around just in time to see Harry burry his face in the middle of the cake, hands in it, too. James cringed and pulled his son out of the cake. Harry just gave him a gummy smile and laughed, face completely covered in icing and chocolate cake. Lorena was rolling with laughter, and Lily was muffling a giggle as she conjured a napkin.

"Harry, Harry, Harry," she chided, smiling at him. James held him in front of her carefully as she wiped the cake and icing off of him. She sighed. "Well, there went the cake-"

"-right into Harry's face!" Sirius guffawed. He was holding Dahlia, looking ready to drop her; he was laughing so hard. Krystyna was grinning broadly while Remus merely shook his head, a small grin on his face. Peter was laughing, too.

James looked around the room after he handed Harry over to Lily. As the cake was ruined, all they had left to eat was some ice cream; and Krystyna had gone to fetch it with Peter helping her. Sirius had left for the living room where Lily had disappeared to. Remus was getting the drinks ready, muttering to himself something along the lines of, "Just like his father; he couldn't wait to eat."

And lastly, there was Lorena. She was looking out of the window, the sun shining in, with a wistful smile on her face and her back to all of the pictures in the room.

James swelled up with a mixture of sadness and joy; he hadn't seen Lorena smile for months, but today, she had been smiling, grinning, laughing, and even smirking again - all because it was Harry's first birthday. He glanced at the chair in the corner of the table that remained unmoved. It had been Sara's chair. Lily hadn't let anyone touch it; deep down, James knew that no one wanted to touch it - Lorena especially.

Something had changed in Lorena; and it wasn't just the fact that she hadn't been as happy as she used to be. No, there was something else to it that James couldn't put a finger on. It was in her eyes every time she looked at that empty chair or every time she looked upon her own house. It was so much more than just a little guilt - so much more than a little misery - so much more than a little anger.

It was so much more in her than James was used to. It would vanish when she got to hold Harry or Dahlia; it would fade away when she would look into Remus's eyes. But it burned through James when she would look at him directly; it was like she was seeing him for who he truly was, like she was reading his mind or better yet, his soul. It startled him, this new look in Lorena's eyes.

"James? James? Are you all right, mate?" Sirius's voice drifted back into James's ears, and James turned around to face his amused looking friend, who was grinning like mad. He wasn't holding Dahlia anymore; she was probably in the living room with Harry. Apparently, Sirius was still chuckling about the cake incident just minutes ago. James nodded his head, and when he looked back, Lorena was not there anymore and was now helping Krystyna and Peter in the kitchen with the ice cream. He turned back to Sirius. "Your son took a dive there, Prongs."

"Getting to be like his father already," James said proudly, grinning.

Remus walked passed them, drinks floating in front of him. "That's such a shame; I was hoping he would take more after Lily." He raised his eyebrows and walked into the living room.

"Yeah, and I'm afraid to see what your kids will look like, Moony!" James shouted back at him.

"Fuzzballs," Sirius joked, chuckling and shaking his head.

"Werewolf traits don't get passed down to their children!" Lorena scolded teasingly, cuffing Sirius on the back of his head as she walked passed him. She winked at him and added, "Hopefully."

They chortled and she, too, walked into the living room, carrying a few bowls of ice cream.

"Sirius, James, what flavour of ice cream do you want?" Krystyna called from the kitchen.

"Rocky Road!" both yelled back in unison. They turned to each other. "That's my favourite! Stop talking when I'm talking! Argh!"

Both folded their arms across their chests and turned their backs to each other, but soon enough, they both began laughing at each other.

Krystyna rolled her eyes as she brought their ice cream to them. She shoved the bowls in their chests, knocking the wind out of both them slightly, and she giggled as she dashed into the living room. Peter walked over to them, holding a few large presents that he couldn't seem to be able to keep control of; the one on the top was looking ready to topple.

"Need a hand, Wormtail?" Sirius offered.

Peter nodded his head. "Yeah, that would help," he squeaked, sounding as if it was difficult to talk, too. Sirius shoved his bowl into James's arms and gave him a warning look that told James not to eat Sirius's ice cream. Like he would ever do that... Sirius took four presents from Peter, who thanked him, and they headed for the living room. James followed behind, his spoon sticking out of his mouth with two bowls in his hands.

"Presents for the birthday boy!" Sirius announced in a false deep voice.

Lily cheered and clapped Harry's hands together; he was sitting on her lap. Krystyna was lying on the couch long ways with Dahlia sitting on her stomach. Peter was sitting on the floor and Remus was nowhere to be seen until he walked back into the room from the restroom. Lorena was leaning against the door with her hand in her pocket (James knew that her wand was in that pocket). Sirius sat the first gift in front of Harry, who Lily had moved to the floor on her lap. James plopped onto the couch behind her.

"I wonder who it could be from," Remus said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"Me!" Sirius exclaimed gleefully, grinning ear-to-ear. He looked over at Krystyna, who was giving him that look and grinning back at him. "And Krystyna and Dahlia, of course - Dahlia was the one who picked it out, after all."

"She must have better taste than you, Padfoot," James commented, "as you have crap for taste."

"Shut it, you!" Sirius said loudly, chucking a spoon at James. The spoon was badly aimed and hit the wall instead. They both laughed.

"Go ahead; open the present," Krystyna said, rolling her eyes at the two "men". Lily began helping Harry unwrap the present.

On and on, the presents piled up until there were no more. Dahlia had dozed off, and the adults were now talking. As Harry slept the minimum a baby could, he was still awake and playing with the stuffed black, puppy Sirius, Krystyna, and Dahlia had bought him.

"He's a night owl," Remus said, looking at Harry. Remus was lying on the floor on his side; Lorena was asleep on the ground in front of him, her head propped up on his side. She looked quite peaceful; Remus appeared very happy to see that she wasn't frowning, groaning, or tossing in her sleep at all.

It must've been pretty bad, James thought. With a sleep deprived mind himself, it was hard to stay awake. He yawned.

"H-h-he got it from Lily," James yawned. Lily tousled his already messy raven hair with her hand and grinned at him sleepily. Sirius was now sitting on the couch with Krystyna lying against him. "One year-old on July thirty-first - I don't know what I'll do when he finally turns eleven and leaves for Hogwarts. I'll pass out or die without him here."

"Oh, James, don't exaggerate," Lily replied. "You'll miss him, that's what you'll do, but you'll always have me."

"And we'll have a few more kids by then, of course," James said, sighing. He rolled onto his back on the couch and put his hands behind his head. He closed his eyes and smiled. "Maybe I'll do a great honour and name one of my next boys after you, Padfoot."

"Nah, that's for my own son," Sirius told him. "You name one of your boys James II or something like that. Sounds like royalty - James II."

"That's 'cause it is, you twit," James said matter-of-factly. "Potters are royalty."

"Only in your head, James," Krystyna said. Peter, who was still sitting on the floor though slouching a little now, sniggered. James shook his head at her. "I'm not so sure I want to name a son of mine Sirius IV; it sounds a little...I dunno..."

"Odd? Funny?" James offered. Sirius shot a glare at him. "Supercallafragilisticespeealidoshus?"

"What in the name of all things Gryffindor does that mean?!" Sirius demanded, throwing his arms up in the air. James thought about it and shrugged his shoulders.

Lily giggled and rolled onto the floor. "I can't believe you remember that, James!" She giggled.

"What?" Peter asked. "Remember what?"

"Mary Poppins!" Lily laughed.

"Oh," Krystyna said, nodding her head understandingly. Except, Sirius didn't understand and neither did Peter. They just gawked at him. Remus just nodded his head, appearing to know what Lily was talking about.

Sara would understand, James found himself thinking. He immediately regretted it, but he couldn't help but think about it. She would understand what I'm saying.

"Nothing," James mumbled, turning pink in the face from embarrassment. And it was nothing after he said it. Everyone was too tired to argue with him. Krystyna, Sara, and Lorena had all seen the movie, Mary Poppins, because Lily had showed it to them when they were twelve (Lorena had been eleven). James had watched the movie with Lily and Harry a few months ago.

And the fact that Sara had seen the movie was the only reason James wanted to keep it quiet. If he said her name, things would get extremely awkward and gloomy; and if he didn't say her name, it would get extremely awkward and gloomy.

He didn't have much of a choice at what to say, now that he thought about it. Everything was always so gloomy; and misery was such a foreign emotion to James that it was truly quite hard for him to express it correctly. He didn't know the proper way, really.

"Well," Sirius yawned, "we best be going. I have work tomorrow."

And so, a long awaited and fun-filled day had ended. It was August first now and everything was done. Sirius, Krystyna, and Dahlia left and soon after that, Peter had left. It took a while to wake up Lorena, but once Remus did, they, too, left.

This just left James, Lily, and Harry, who had finally fallen asleep. Lily was asleep soon, her head lying against the couch. James ran a hand through her red hair and smiled weakly. Everything was all right.