Least Likely Of All

Chapter Thirteen, Parts 61 - 65

Chapter Thirteen, Part One: Hard To Believe

God, why am I doing this?

It was for comfort, I suppose. I felt little or nothing for her that way; perhaps when we were sixteen or seventeen, but never now. With my life, I was incapable of having a true relationship with witch or Muggle; to have a relationship with a Muggle would be to show them a whole other world they were currently not aware of. To have a relationship with a witch would be a tangled web of lies, as my kind are not trusted in the least.

A werewolf. When my family found out I had been bitten, I was basically shunned. My twin brother was sent to live with my father in France and was never heard from again. My mother, however, concerned for my safety as well, tried her best to make me feel accepted. That was the last shred of love I had ever received. This was no acceptation.

I knew it was wrong; why I gave in, however, I'll never know. Lily was one of my best friends. To do this would be to ruin her relationship with the one man who loved her more than life it's self. It was a selfish act on both our parts; I craved human touch and she was set on finding herself. I never got to ask if she finally realized what it was that made her feel as if Severus was falling out of love with her; he found us.

I silently cursed myself the whole way through -- I'm quite sure Lily heard me. When Severus walked in, I knew she had been had. She radiated guilt, Severus picked up on that immediately. I knew what ever it was that Severus was about to do -- curse me, hex me, even kill me -- I deserved it. Lily, however unfaithful she had been, was a mess. I left her without saying a word, running after Severus, but I only caught a glimpse of him before he Apparated. No doubt to the gate before Hogwarts; it was his haven as it had been mine.

I gave up, knowing it was hopeless. Severus was beyond mad; he was hurt, betrayed, and most certainly confused and trying to find a way to blame himself. It was the way he was; always trying to find fault in his own actions rather than other.

I shook my head and made my way out of the Snape Mansion, feeling as guilty and as bad as I had ever felt in my life.

Rain poured down the cathedral style windows as lightening struck the ground. I shuddered as the thunder rumbled throughout the castle, pulling my robes more tightly around me. The beautiful snow that had been falling as Harry and I left Hogwarts was now replaced with the torrential downfall of ugly rain.

I wasn't complaining. The rain matched my mood perfectly and my head was swimming with thoughts.

My wife and Remus. Remus and my wife. Lily and the werewolf. The werewolf and Lily. It was far too confusing for my mind to comprehend at the time; all I wanted to do was to curl up and sleep, disappearing into my most hated dreams rather than have to experience the waking hours.

I had to see him first, to know if he had any part in this. Fifteen years ago, he had helped Lily and I sneak around England when she was married to James. I had to know if he knew.

I reached the gargoyle and mumbled the password, then quickly made my way up the winding staircase. As I reached the large oak doors, I knocked as hard as possible. I heard a char creak and then the door slowly opened.

"Severus?" Professor Dumbledore asked. I nodded.

"Hello, sir."

He smiled, showing off his many teeth, and waved his hand for me to sit down. I obliged and seated myself in one of the wooden chairs.

"To what do I owe this honor?" he asked, leaning across his desk. "Lily isn't have another child, is he? I would have thought six were enough."

I winced at the sound of her name, "No, I'm here to ask you something."

"Ask away, Severus."

I took in a deep breath, "I came home today from a day with Harry. We went to Godric's Hollow -- he believed he was ready."

Dumbledore nodded, "Go on."

"When I came home, I went upstairs and -- err, caught Lily and Remus Lupin in our bed."

Dumbledore's head shot up. "Pardon?"

"I caught her sleeping with Remus Lupin, sir."

Dumbledore looked down at his hands. "I can assure you, Severus, I had nothing to do with it. I arranged nothing."

I sighed with relief, "I didn't think you did, sir... I just wanted to make sure."

Dumbledore nodded, "Yes, yes... I shall be having a little chat with Lily to hear her story behind it all, then if needed, Professor Lupin. Did she give you any reason as to why she did it?"

I shook my head, "No, but it was voluntary, Remus didn't -- force her or anything of the sort."

Dumbledore nodded once again, "Good, I wouldn't want to have to come down on the poor man." He looked up once more, "Did you two speak at all?"

I shook my head, "No, I left immediately."

"I suggest that you try speaking to her, or at least listening. You might find the reason." He suggested.

"I'm not so sure about that, Headmaster. As of right now, I can barely even think myself, let alone listen to her."

"You must try." Dumbledore insisted, "For it will help you understand."

I sighed and nodded. "Yes sir."

Dumbledore nodded, "Now, go get some rest. I shall call you after I have spoken with Lily."

I nodded once more, "Thank you, Headmaster."

"You're welcome, Severus." Dumbledore paused. "Sixteen years of marriage is quite a lot, don't you think?"

"Seventeen." I corrected quietly. "Seventeen years as of yesterday."

"Ahh, yes. Seventeen years then."

I nodded, "Seventeen years is quite a while, sir, but I still love her as if we were still twenty."

"How old are you now, Severus?" Dumbledore asked.

"Thirty-five today, sir."

Dumbledore smiled, "Happy Birthday, Severus."

"Thank you sir. Quite the birthday present I received."

Dumbledore shook his head, "It will get better; I'll get to the bottom of this and as long as you're willing to forgive her if she deserves it, it will get better."

I nodded, "She'd better have a damned good reason."

"I'm sure she does." He paused, "She misses you, Severus. If it were me, I wouldn't take the job as Potions Master next year, if you two stay together. She writes me often, asking how you are. She misses you so much I daresay she tried to find you in someone else close to her. However, I'm sure she feels terrible. Just listen, Severus."

"I will, Headmaster." I nodded, "As soon as I'm able to think for myself."

He shook his head, "No, no. Go to your chamber and listen for as long as it takes for you to find out why. Don't argue or defy me; she can't lie to herself, therefore she can't lie in her thoughts."

I nodded, giving in. "Yes sir."

"And Severus -- " he paused, " -- it may seem hard to believe right now, but she does truly love you."

I nodded once more, "Yes, Headmaster. It does seem hard to believe."

*

Chapter Thirteen, Part Two: Restless Minds

Severus laid down on his bed and tried to clear his mind for a moment before he started. Knowing it would be painful, he had a goblet full of Dreamless Sleep potion sitting next to him on one of the night tables. He closed his eyes and sighed, trying his best to concentrate.

He hates you know, you do realize this, right? Why did you have to do that... Why Remus? Why couldn't you have waited to talk to Severus? You know he would never do anything like that... Why then? He did nothing to deserve this. He hates you... why did you do this?

All he's ever done to you is love you, and you go behind his back and f-ck Remus. He doesn't care that you didn't mean it; he doesn't care that you felt as if you were going to die of guilt and humiliation afterward. He doesn't care that Remus means nothing, that it was just a spur of the moment type thing.

He's never going to speak to you again. You're going to speak through lawyers, battling over rights to the mansion and the kids... Oh God, the kids. You have kids. This isn't fifteen years ago... You have children. You have his children. His children. He helped you create them. How are you going to explain this to them? To them, you are perfect. He is perfect any way you look at it; through the children's eyes, through your eyes... He is perfect. He hates you now.

He is -- was? -- your husband. He loves -- loved? -- you. He f-cking proposed to you at the exact time you needed it most. You slept with him voluntarily, after all that b-stard James did to you. You let him in... You let him see you for who you truly are. He let you in, helped you in your time of need, and never complained. Not once.

You couldn't handle him leaving. You coward. You bitch. You're the one who talked him into it, and three years later you learn you can't handle it. You can't handle the empty spot in the bed next to you; you can't handle the fact that you had to be the grown up. You couldn't handle having six children to look after. You couldn't handle it.

Now look at you... Crying, sobbing, dirty. Still in your robes. You haven't seen the children off to bed tonight, yet it's nearing midnight. You yell at Harry when he tries to see what's wrong -- your own god damned son. You're a f-cking wreck, you can't even think straight. Yes, cut, maybe the blood will stain the sheets, making them as dirty as you are. You wouldn't dare though... you couldn't. You're a coward and you know it. You're too afraid of dying to kill yourself; far too afraid. But it looks like the answer, doesn't it?

Kill yourself and get it over with. Yes, the solution; the god damned solution. But now you're going to start playing "what if?" and you're not going to do it. You'll never be able to do it. You love him too much to even think about how much he'd hate you even more if you did that.

You slept with Remus. You felt him inside of you, you let him see parts of you only two other men have ever seen in your life. You cried when he f-cked you, you had Remus' body over you, yet all you thought about was Severus. How could you refrain from pushing Remus off and running like bloody hell out of the room?

Because you needed to know, that's why. You needed to know if you really love Severus. Now you know; you're laying her screaming at yourself and sobbing as hard as you ever have, wishing with all your might you had a time turner. You're sitting here wishing everything would be all right, wishing even Remus wasn't born. If Remus wasn't born, you'd still be with Severus. He'd be lying next to you right now, holding you as you talked to him and tried to tell him your feelings. He'd be loving you right now instead of loathing you.

How could you do something like that? You LOVE Severus... It's not a phase, from the moment you f-cking laid eyes on him you knew you were going to spend the rest of your f-cking life with him. Always. Forever. Never apart, even in death. You just f-cked up your chances, he's never going to talk to you again, never going to listen to you, never going to think of you, never going to touch you, never going to kiss you, never going to lay next to you and tell you everything's going to be all right.

You hurt him as much as James hurt you. You hurt him more than James hurt you. He's so hurt he didn't even bother asking you why; he didn't even want to look at your pathetic face, in fear some of your rottenness would somehow seep into his own mind.

Listen to him; he's even blocked you out from being able to hear his thoughts. It's echoes, all echoes. You can still feel him though; torture yourself, you deserve it. You can feel the hollowness and emptiness he's feeling, you can feel the pain. You can feel the betrayal; you can feel the absolute surge of... something. What is that? Hate? No, it's not hate... It's as if... pity, almost... but not quite. Loneliness? Yes, perhaps. He hates you, he's just hiding it well.

God I wish I could talk to him... God damn everything. Why did this have to happen? I wasn't in my right state of mind. I needed to know... I love him, God do I ever love him... He's never going to forgive me. Never. He's much too perfect to take scum like you back, especially after what you did... He won't understand that it meant nothing, because I'll be damned if it didn't look like nothing. The look on his face... God, it was as if he had died. I felt him; I could feel his heart die when he saw Remus in your spot...

Your spot. You were in his spot... No one could ever take his place, ever. He's irreplaceable, and you just threw it out the window. Stupid girl... Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid --

God damn it Lily, if you call yourself stupid one more time, I'll promise you I'll never come back.

There was a pause before Lily responded.

Severus?

Yes.

Oh God, Sev --

Save it, Lily. I just heard everything.

I'm so, so, so incredibly sorry, I swear Remus means nothing -- it was a mistake, a total act of stupidity, I didn't mean --

That still doesn't make up for what you did. I trusted you Lily... you knew that if you had a problem with me being away, I would have quit. You knew that.

But -- but you love teaching, and I didn't think --

Yes, you definitely didn't think.

Severus, I'm so, so, so incredibly sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen, it just --

How long as this relationship with Remus been going on?

It was the first time, Severus, the first and only time, you have to believe me --

Why though?

I don't know why, I just... I ... I don't know. I can't explain it.

You could show me.

But... Are you sure? I can't right now though... I -- I can barely sit up, I don't know...

Later, then, once we've both cooled down.

Ok, Sev -- God, I'm so sorry.

Get some rest. If I feel the need to, I'll come home tomorrow to talk to you. I need to know why, Lil.

I'll tell you -- I'll show you. I'll do anything, just please come home.

I'll try, Lily.

Ok, thank you... Bye Sev, I love you so, so, so much...

Severus didn't reply. Instead, he allowed his mind to slip into a dreamless state of slumber, Lily's voice still echoing in his head.

*

Chapter Thirteen, Part Three: Live It Out

Severus stood in front of the gate to his home, his mind whirling in anticipation. Should he? Should he leave? Should he stay? Should he just wait for her to find him? Should he go up to her and hug her and tell her everything was all right, like he wanted to?

No, he couldn't, because it wasn't all right. She had done something that had the potential to completely destroy their relationship, she didn't deserve being forgiven.

This quickly, at least.

Why didn't he see it coming? Why wasn't he there? He should have been there. He should have been there for Lily, so nothing like this would have ever happened.

Yet Lily should have told him. She could have talked to him, told him how she felt, but she didn't. Was she too afraid, or simply too cowardly? Whose fault was it; his or hers?

Hers, of course. But why didn't he see it? He should have... They had six children, he could spend time with each and every one of them, but the nights belonged to his wife. The nights where all they had to concentrate on were each other... God, how could she have done that? Didn't she understand how much she meant to him?

There was no question in his mind; he loved her more than anything, including all of their children combined. He would have eagerly volunteered himself to a life of the Unforgivable Curses if it meant she was happy.

She wasn't happy now; Severus could feel it. She felt empty, drained, lifeless almost. Had him leaving caused this? Had he hurt his wife more than she had hurt him?

No, she had hurt herself. He wouldn't have left if it hadn't been for her. He knew she would give up on life if he didn't return; what was it? Return and swallow his pride, forgive her for something she didn't deserve forgiving for, or leave. Leave her, leave the children, leave his whole life behind. Let her slowly wither away into nothing, let the flower she was die.

For that's what she was; a flower. Severus was her sunlight, he was what made her thrive. The connection between them was too powerful for even them to understand. There was something almost... magical about their relationship, as if they were both subjected to Love Potions. There was no question that Severus loved her; the question was if she loved him as much as he loved her.

He knew the answer. She did; one moment of weakness wasn't nearly enough to destroy nearly twenty years worth of love.

Had it truly been that long? It seemed like just yesterday he saw her for the first time. He didn't love her then; how could he? He felt desire, yes, perhaps lust, but true love wasn't there until the first time they slept together. From then on, he knew he was just as much a part of her as she was a part of him. They were whole together; apart, there was no reason for them to exist. Hollow, shapeless beings completely engulfed with their mate. He constantly tortured himself with the thought if he hadn't been there that night; if she hadn't come down and saved herself from Voldemort. It was all a distant memory, but the thought of her body lying on the ground haunted him day and night. What if?

He sucked in his breath and slowly opened the gate of the Snape Mansion, stepping inside carefully. The rocky pathway leading to the large French doors seemed miles away, yet the moment he took his first step, he seemed to be halfway there.

To him, it was the Green Mile; a sentence too horrible to imagine awaited him once he reached the front doors, but once they had passed, his destiny was uncertain.

One more step... Two... Three... he was there. He knocked once, and almost immediately the doors swung open, revealing a dingy looking house elf.

"Sir, Madam is in the Master bedroom. She wishes for me to inform you it has been properly cleaned and you are to meet her up there." The elf squeaked. Severus nodded in reply and thanked the small creature.

The Grand Staircase -- another hurtle he had to overcome. Why was Lily making this so difficult for him?

Because I can't get out of bed, Severus.

He smirked. She had been listening after all. He slowly made his way up the thirty or so steps, stopping when he reached the landing.

And why is it so impossible for you to move?

He walked down the hallway, forcing himself to put one foot in front of the other.

It hurts too much.

Almost instantly, a wave of pain swept over him like he had never experienced; this was worse than the Cruciatus Curse, even. How had she done this to herself? He fell to his knees, clutching his head.

Lily... stop it...

Suddenly, the pain let up. Severus sighed and stood up once more, making his way to the end of the hallway, where the Master Bedroom was located. He turned the handle slowly, not knowing what to expect.

She saw her lying there on their bed, her knees drawn up to her chest. The pain immediately shot through Severus' spine, and he barely made it to a close-by armchair.

"Lily, stop it." He hissed, leaning over slightly.

I can't...

He looked up at her and raised his wand. Muttering a few choice words, the pain vanished. She sat up, her eyes avoiding his hawk-like stare.

"I thought you loved me."

She wasn't one to cry easily; however, for the past twenty four hours, it seemed like that was all she had been doing. Tears started streaming down her face once more and she feebly attempted to wipe them away with the back of her hand.

"I do... More than anything... Remus meant nothing, I don't even know why it happened. It was just sex; there was no emotion behind it, just flesh. I swear, all I was thinking about was you." She said softly, turning her green eyes up towards Severus' black ones.

"Why were you in so much pain?" Severus' voice had softened a bit, and he slowly stood up, taking a step towards the bed.

"He hurt me." Lily whispered, "I hurt myself."

"How did he hurt you?" he said quietly, as if speaking to a child.

She shook her head, "I can't say it without sounding dirty."

He nodded, understanding. "Lily, did you want it?"

She shook her head, "I didn't know what I wanted, Severus."

He nodded once more, sitting next to her. "Show me."

She looked up at me once more, her tear-stained cheeks turning red. "You'd get it from my point of -- contact, Severus."

"Well, you experience different things each day." he shrugged. "Now show me."

Before Severus had time to move away, she leaned over and kissed him. Immediately, the scene that had occurred less than a day ago flashed through Severus' mind, her emotions -- or lack thereof -- filling his soul, the pain she had experienced branching out through his body, sweeping over his mind to the very tips of his fingers. He could feel exactly what she had gone through, as unwelcomed as the feeling was.

He opened his eyes briefly before returning the kiss -- this time, however, he fed his emotions, his feelings, his thoughts into her body and soul. He could feel her shuddering beneath him as he refused to break contact. However, after a minute of this, she finally backed away.

"Lily, you made him do it." Severus said quietly.

She looked at his, confused. "What?"

"Your mind -- " he started, " -- you can control minds, just as I can."

She looks bewildered, "But how?"

"You did it unconsciously," he said, "without realizing you were even doing so."

She sighed, "Sev, God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen... Don't blame Remus, you know it was my fault."

Severus shook his head, "It was my fault in the first place -- I gave you the power to make someone do exactly as you pleased."

"It's my fault for wanting it." She whispered, "Even though I don't know why I did, nor even recognized the fact I did. I still can't believe I wanted something as horrendous as that."

"It still happened, whether you wanted it or not." Severus said quietly, "Do you swear to me you will never do anything like that again? Ever?"

The tears once again started flowing. "Yes, God yes... I swear on my life I'll never even think about doing anything that would make you hurt as much as that... God, I'm so, so sorry."

Severus paused, afraid to touch her. "I'm resigning as Potions Master at the end of the term. The thought of it driving you to do something like that -- it's simply not worth it."

She smiled feebly, "Thank you, Sev."

"You're welcome." He gave her a half-smile, still not daring to touch her. "Are you going to be ok?"

"In time," she shrugged. "In a matter of a moment, guilt became my best friend, and he's bent on not leaving me."

Severus shook his head, "Guilt chooses the most worthy candidates, Lily. Live it out."

She nodded, sighing. "I wish there was a way I could make it up to you..."

"There is." Severus said softly, "But until I find what it is, just make sure the kids never find out."

She nodded, "They never will."

Promise?

"Promise."

'Til my body is dust

'Til my soul is no more
I will love you, love you
'Til the sun starts to cry
And the moon turns to rust
I will love you, love you

But I need to know - will you

Stay for all time...
Forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart 'til the
End of all time...
Forever and a day

'Til my body is dust

'Til my soul is no more
I will love you, love you
'Til the sun starts to cry
And the moon turns to rust
I will love you, love you

But I need to know - will you

Stay for all time...
Forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart 'til the
End of all time...
Forever and a day

'Til the storms fill my eyes

And we touch the last time
I will love you, love you...*

*Fisher, I Will Love You (have I already used this one? I know I had the lyrics bookmarked...)

*

Chapter Thirteen, Part Four: What's Forever If You're Gone?

I didn't bother going back to Hogwarts that night. I stayed with Lily and the children, persuading her to come down and join s for dinner. There were multiple questions as to where I had disappeared to and why, but we both swiftly dodged them with such ease we amazed even ourselves. I didn't dare meet Harry's eyes; he knew, I was sure of it. His room was next to ours, and one of the curses of the Snape Mansion was paper-thin walls.

I cornered him later that evening in a part of the house reserved for studies. I had my own lab and study located there, along with a room Lily lovingly referred to as the Thinking Room. Adorned with plush armchairs and sofas, with books lining the walls, I saw Harry sitting in the one nearest the roaring fireplace.

"Harry?" I asked, walking in slowly. He looked up over the rim of his glasses, not caring to move his head.

"Yes, Father?" he asked.

I paused, sitting down in the armchair next to him, watching the flames crackle. "You know."

It was more a statement than a question. "Yes."

I nodded, "Your mother and I wish to keep it private."

He nodded, eyes still on the fire. "Why did you take her back so easily?"

"Love is a peculiar thing, Harry." I sighed, "What your mother and I have is irreplaceable. One moment of undesired mind controlling, if you'd wish to call it that, is not about to ruin seventeen years of marriage."

"But she still cheated on you." Harry said, "With Remus, in fact."

I shook my head, "He didn't have a choice in the matter; I don't blame him in the slightest. Your mother had no idea what she was doing. It was a mistake. A large one, yes, but a mistake."

"How could you forgive her so quickly?" his voice was nearly inaudible.

"I didn't have a choice." I said, "It was either forgive her or watch her wither away and die."

He looked up at me once more, "Surely she wouldn't have died? Be in great distress, perhaps, but never die."

I shook my head once more, "You're far too young to understand it, Harry. I am telling you this because you need to understand what happened."

He nodded, "Go on."

"What your mother and I have is a bond that has survived so many things. Over the course of nearly twenty years, we've have seven children together - "

"Seven?" he asked, slightly confused.

"Yes, seven. In our seventh year, your mother was pregnant with my daughter. Voldemort killed her, however, leading to our marriage and false break up."

"Oh." Harry said, his eyes now downcast. "I didn't know, sorry."

I smiled, "It's all right. Very few people know."

Harry nodded, "I won't tell anyone."

"Thank you." I said, continuing. "I can't expect you to understand completely why, but your mother and I... We were terribly lucky to find each other. We've endured so many hardships, from James Potter to Voldemort to now, Remus Lupin... It wasn't his fault, not at all. James Potter... his marriage to your mother nearly killed both her and I. Me mentally, her physically. I hated that man... I hated him with a passion. Even now, the very sound of his name makes rage pulse through my body. But then I think, how could someone so evil make a child as wonderful as you? It was destiny; it had to be."

I paused for a moment, gazing into the fire. "Spying for your grandfather was hard; it made me lie and betray many people that trusted me. However, your mother helped me through it. And then, when James died... She was in shock, due to the fact she was as close to Death as she could ever be, yet she survived, as did you. It was my turn to help her through that and each one of the pregnancies. And now, with Remus -- she couldn't consciously control it and Remus couldn't help himself. I don't blame either one of them. Therefore, there is nothing for me to forgive them for."

Harry shook his head, obviously disagreeing with me. "She slept with another man! How could you just brush it aside like that?"

"I am well aware of the fact she slept with Remus." I snapped a bit harsher than I had wanted to, "And I am not brushing it aside. I am merely trying to find the reason, the way to the road of recovery. Me leaving isn't going to help the situation; it'll only make it worse."

"Still..." Harry started, "She acted like a completely different person, like a slut almost."

I stood up and faced Harry, trying to control my temper. "Don't you ever speak that way about your mother -- ever. To your fourteen year old male mind, sex seems like something dirty. To you, it's not about emotion; it's about the physical feeling and act of. However, to myself, sex isn't about the action or physical feeling; it's about the emotion. Your mother showed me her events of yesterday, and I know she felt nothing behind the need. There was no love, no lust, no liking behind it; just the mental need to know she could do something like that, something where she had control. It was unfortunate Remus was the one to see her in that state; however, they are best friends and I am sure they will get over it. It was out of both of their control, so don't you blame either of them for it."

Harry nodded as I sank back into my chair. "What are you going to do if you ever run into him?"

"Remus?" I asked, "I'll try to act as if nothing has happened. If he insists on bringing the subject up, then I'll let it be known that I don't blame him."

The silence between us was deafening. I finally got up and bid Harry goodnight, walking through the mansion and into the Master Bedroom, where Lily was starring up at the ceiling.

"Hello." I said quietly, opening the wardrobe and looking for my robe. Finding it, I set it on a hanger on the wall next to it. "What are you doing?"

"Watching the shadows." She said. I looked up and smiled slightly; the shadows from the candles that surrounded the room were flickering, making the shadows dance across the ceiling and walls.

I changed and slipped my robe on, then stood next to my side of the bed. "Would you like me to sleep here or on one of the sofas?" I glanced around at the three sofas in the room.

She shook her head, "No, no... Here."

She patted the space next to her, scooting over as close to the edge as possible. I sat down and raised my eyebrows.

"You don't have to go all the way over there, Lily."

She shrugged, "Are you sure?"

I smirked, "Is this really that uncomfortable for you now?"

She shook her head, "No, I just... don't want to make you feel bad or anything."

"Lily, all I want to do right now is lay as close to you as possible and know you're mine."

She smiled a bit, scooting over towards the middle. "Is that better?"

I laid down and wrapped my arms around her shoulders. "Yes, much."

"We're gonna get through this, right?" she whispered as the candles were blown out.

"Yes, Lily, we're going to get through this." I said, "There's not a doubt in my mind we will."

"I'm sorry, Sev."

I smiled in spite of my self, "Yes, baby, I know that."

Thanks, Sev.

You're welcome, baby. Just never do that again.

Oh God, I'd rather maim Dakota before doing... that again.

Good to know, Lil, that our children are safe.

She laughed, "They are... I don't think I'll ever see Remus again, though."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that if I were you," I said. "I'm going to have a little chat with him."

Her eyes widened, "Sev..."

I shook my head, "No, I'm going to tell him that if he refuses to talk to you, I'll make him wish he were dead. Also, that I don't blame him in the least. You know that."

She breathed a sigh of relief, "Thanks."

I laughed, "And for the second time, you're welcome."

Why, why, why

There you are, in a darkened room
And you're all alone, looking out the window
Your heart is cold and lost the will to love
Like a broken arrow
Here I stand in the shadows
(In the shadows)
Come to come, come to me
Can't you see that?

Nobody wants to be lonely

Nobody wants to cry
My body's longing to hold you
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life (ohh)
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why (why), why don't you let me love you
Why (ooh ohh yeah), why (oh why), why

Can you hear my voice, do you hear my song

It's a serenade, so your heart can find me, ohh
And suddenly you're flying down the stairs
Into my arms

Before I start going crazy

(Going crazy, ohh)
Run to me
Run to me
Cause I'm dying...

Nobody wants to be lonely

Nobody wants to cry (don't wanna cry)
My body's longing to hold you (I'm longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why

Why, why don't you let me love you?

I want to feel you need me
(Feel you need me)
Just like the air you're breathing
(Breathing)
I need you here in my life
Don't walk away, don't walk away
Don't walk away, don't walk away
No, no, no, no...
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry... yeah yeah
Nobody wants to be lonely (yeah ohh ooh)
Nobody wants to cry (nobody wants to cry)
My body's longing to hold you (is longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside (hurts inside)
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life

Nobody wants to be lonely

So why (why), why don't you let me love you
Let me love you...
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry (nobody wants to cry...)
My body's longing to hold you (I'm longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside (so hurt inside)
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life

Nobody wants to be lonely

So why (why), why don't you let me love you
Why (why), let me love you
Why, love you, let me love you*

*Ricky Martin/Christina Aguilera, Nobody Wants To Be Lonely

*

Chapter Thirteen, Part Five: Bridge Of Stone (Behold, Fireworks)

Severus was gone, once again. Left for Hogwarts... We talk periodically, yes, but I haven't visited him yet. Too afraid. We haven't slept together since he caught Remus and I -- together... That one time still haunts my mind. It's like a picture that follows me constantly, and what's worse is I can still feel him. He's all around me, like a hated obsession. I don't think Severus realized how much I needed him. His touch, the feeling of his skin on mine, anything to get rid of Remus.

I felt like territory, almost. Scarred and marked until the next settler comes along and plows his field. I needed to feel as if I belonged to Severus, and until I could feel him under my skin, I was Remus's.

I finally worked up the courage to visit him on January 24th, the anniversary of our last night as a married couple. He was once again grading papers as I whispered the password to the portrait and climbed inside. He was in his bathrobe and his hair was wet and pulled into a tight ponytail, and he was hunched over his desk, talking to himself.

He assumed I was either Harry or Dumbledore, as he straightened up a bit but didn't bother to turn around.

"I'll be right with you." He said, "Just checking the Fifth Year exams."

I sat down on the bed, his back facing me. I then started to unbutton my robes, leaving the black shirt underneath completely revealed. I allowed the robe to slide down to the floor. I took off my shoes quietly, setting them next to the bed. I then walked to the opposite corner of the room to grab a robe that was hanging from a peg near the door, and quickly slid out of my jeans and shirt and into the robe. I smirked as I crawled silently back on to the bed, curling up and closing my eyes.

"Ethan, if that's you, go back to your dormitories. Your mother would have a fit if she knew about you sneaking in here all the time." Severus said quietly, still not looking up.

I didn't say a word, I only waited for him to make his move. I propped myself up on my elbows, a smile dancing across my face. A few minutes, he leaned back and sighed.

"You're making me extremely uncomfortable."

I smirked, "Really? My complete apologizes."

He whirled around then, his mouth slightly agape. I smiled, sitting up.

"I would have just undressed completely, but what would be the fun in that?"

His expression slowly changed from that of shock to one of humor. "Well, I'm watching now."

I shook my head, "Oh no, gentlemen first."

He grinned and made his way through the pile of clothing to the bed. "To what do I owe this honor?"

I crawled forward, my face level with his as he knelt next to the bed. "I missed you. Isn't a girl allowed to miss her husband?"

"Of course." He kissed my forehead, "However, I'm quite sure I missed you more."

I shook my head, "Impossible."

He kissed me once again, "So were you really just lonely or did you miss me?"

"You know I missed you." I kissed him back, happiness filling me. "But it's lonely there without you, too."

"You have the kids to keep you company."

I smirked, "Them? They're cute, but after the usual five tantrums before ten in the morning, they get quite tiring."

"But you love them."

"In a way only a mother could." I pulled on his robe lightly, scooting over to make room for him.

"Harry and Ethan have complete access to this room." Severus warned, "They could walk in at any time."

I reached over for my wand, flicking it lightly towards the door. "Not anymore."

He grinned devilishly, "And what, pray tell, did you just do?"

"Lock charm" I said, "Easily countered."

"Well counter this..." he slid down next to me, kissing my neck.

I missed you, baby.

I missed you far more than I could ever tell you, Sev.

Yet it's been less than a month.

A month can be forever.

Then forevers come and go?

Not the one we have, Sev.

I thought so.

Severus awoke to an empty bed the next morning; I made sure of it. I cringed as I wrote my feelings down, what had happened that I was too terrified to tell him about. What I knew.

He would awake to the hollow spot where I had lain only a few hours before. He would wonder where I was; he always did if I woke up before him. Then, he would find the note and read it. He would read it with anticipation at first, then slowly dread would start to creep in -- or perhaps happiness? He would sigh and set it down once he was finished, then try to talk to me. I wasn't going to listen though...

What I didn't know is how he reacted. Even from a distance, I could feel the rage boiling inside him, threatening to overspill. I could feel the pain in his chest, I could hear the thoughts in his head as they ran through mine... But I never responded.

Severus did indeed wake up to an empty bed, but before he could wonder where she was, he saw the note -- a piece of parchment glistening with black ink that had come from his own quills. He picked it up carefully, rubbing his eyes before he started reading.

Dear Sev,

Don't be mad that I left you this morning before waking you up; I didn't want to have to see your reaction when you realized you've taken me back. Thank you.

When the --situation-- with Remus occurred, I felt dirtier than James ever made me feel -- ever. I wanted to burn myself just to get rid of the filth I was. The pain was immense; I made him a bit too vicious, I believe. It was my fault; I know it and I'll never forget it.

When I'm with you, you make everything disappear. Everything that's bothering me, everything I feel is a problem or a burden, disappears. The world around us dissolves, and all that's left is you and me. You complete me, Severus. Without you, I wouldn't exist. You are my everything; my world, the father to my children including Harry, the one person in the world I feel as if I can trust... I love you.

What I came here last night to tell you was this; I'm pregnant. Papa confirmed it before I visited you. I asked him who the father was... I'm sorry Sev, but he refused to tell me. He said I had gotten myself into this mess and it wasn't his duty to get me out of it. I made him swear he'll tell me though... Perhaps it won't come to that. Perhaps the baby's features will tell us... God Sev, I'm so, so sorry. Even as I write this, I'm crying. I won't expect you to take in this child if we know it's Remus'. That's asking far too much of you... If you wish, I could give it up. I will, if it means you staying with me. Please, don't be mad... I wish with all my heart it's yours, but if it comes to that... I swear, I'd rather have it drowned than you leaving me.

There is far more of a chance this baby's yours, just of the timing and such, but I wanted to make you aware of the possibility it might not be. Please... Don't be mad.

I love you,

Lily

Rage surged through Severus' body as he dropped the note, his hands trembling too much for him to grip the piece of parchment. He turned to the nearest thing -- a wooden chair -- and with one swift movement, turned it into a pile of splinters.

You can only push someone so far

You can only break so many hearts
We used to be love one another
Now it's lust for your lover
Baby, I was trying to burn bridges of stone

You can only wait

You can only wait so long
You can only wait
You can only wait so long
In this game we play, can't tell right from wrong
You can only wait so long

Here come the memories of yesterday

Here's the poetry, of all those things I couldn't even say
You can only wait so long
Before your flower petals are all gone
Baby, I was trying to burn bridges of stone
Ain't nobody crying for what used to be home

You can only wait

You can only wait so long
You can only wait
You can only wait so long
In this game we play, can't tell right from wrong
You can only wait so long

Why couldn't you hold on to me?

I was right here, layin' in our bed
Said,
Walked in on the pain I didn't see
All those things I never should of said

You can only push someone so far

You can only break so many hearts
You can only wait so long
Before your flower petals are all gone
Baby, I was trying to burn bridges of stone.
You can only wait
You can only wait so long
You can only wait
You can only wait so long
In this game we play, can't tell right from wrong
You can only wait so long

Why couldn't you call out for me?

It's not like I was ever far away
Said,
Tie me to the edge and start to leave
There's nothing left here
But a million words to say
We all have memories
And I have spent my time in vain
Here's to our enemies
And I will leave you with no pain
We will find a way somehow
In this running just to know goodbye
Baby, I was trying to burn bridges of stone
You won't find me crying for what used to be home

You can only wait

You can only wait so long
You can only wait
You can only wait so long
In this game we play, can't tell right from wrong
You can only wait so long

In this game we play

We can't tell right from wrong
Cause you can only wait so long
In this game we play
We can't tell right from wrong
Cause you can only wait so long*

*Hanson, Bridge Of Stone