Least Likely Of All

Chapter Twelve, Parts 56-60

Chapter Twelve, Part One: A Kiss Is A Kiss And A Rose Is A Rose

Hermione and Harry... Harry and Hermione.

It was Draco's turn to sneer. After four years, four long years of torture from the Gryffindors, four long years of being pushed to the ground and being stepped on by those pesky boys who thought themselves better than him, it was his turn to get even.

Hermione and Harry... A Mudblood and the son of the head of Slytherin. It was too perfect, why didn't he see it coming? Of course, it was what his father would have wanted him to do... Lucius Malfoy was a vicious man and would stop at nothing to destroy the lives of others.

Especially this one.

Draco sighed as he passed the Transfiguration classroom. Harry always thought of him as the enemy; he was the enemy, in fact, and was damned proud of it. Despite his first flunk in Potions, Professor Snape took a liking to Draco. Snape knew Draco knew about his past, including his Death Eater tendencies. Narcissa Malfoy would have undoubtedly filled him in on the study of the Dark Arts.

It wasn't a dare -- no, it was much more than that. A test, if you must. Harry Potter -- Snape, whichever his last name was, had ruined his life. He had taken his father away from him and totally destroyed the basic elements and honor of the Malfoy name. He was determined to get even.

It was common knowledge Harry wasn't Severus Snape's son; everyone knew, but that didn't seem to bother Harry or Snape in the least. Draco was going to make it bother Snape; he was out for blood. He wanted revenge, no matter what the personal risk was. Harry knew exactly what it was like to have his father taken away from him... However, he had always had a replacement.

Draco walked briskly into the Great Hall and went straight to the Gryffindor table. Checking to make sure both Professor Snape and Hermione were within viewing distance, Draco went and tapped Harry on the shoulder. Harry turned around almost immediately, his eyes narrowing with disgust when he saw who it was.

"What do you want?" he spat out, standing up slightly.

"This." Draco grabbed Harry by the collar with his right hand and gripped it tightly. Harry's eyes widened in horror as Draco pulled him by the neck towards him, pressing his body up against his own.

Draco glanced over to the High Table quickly, making sure Severus Snape was paying full attention to him -- he was. A moment later, Draco leaned in and kissed Harry full on the mouth.

He then let go of his collar and shot Harry a venomous look, and then turned around on his heals and walked out of the Great Hall, not bothering to listen to the shocked students.

Harry's eyes were wide open, his mouth agape. Ron stood up next to him, looking at his best friend with wonder.

"Since when have you been snogging Malfoy?"

Harry shook his head, thoroughly disgusted with himself. "I haven't."

"Then how exactly would you explain that?" Hermione butt in, crossing her arms to face Harry.

"He's pissed off about something." Ron interjected, "Wonder why he took it out on you?"

"I always knew Malfoy was a pretty-boy, but never... that way." Harry was still shaking his head. "Get me some liquid -- any kind of liquid -- before I throw up."

Draco smiled to himself back in the deserted Slytherin common room. He didn't care what Snape's punishment would be; it would all be worth it in the end.

Crabbe and Goyle walked into the common room looking as confused as they had ever been; for them, that was saying something. Almost as if they were afraid to look at Draco, the two kept their eyes on the floor as if they were one person.

"Uhh... Draco?" Crabbe asked, "Why'd you do that?"

Draco shook his head, "You wouldn't understand, Crabbe, so don't even bother asking."

"We wanted to know..." Goyle started, "Are you gay?"

Draco laughed bitterly, "God I wish I was."

That day, the three of them -- Harry, Ron, and Hermione -- spent hours trying to figure ways out to get Draco back for what he did. Not only were most of Harry's classmates starting to doubt his claimed sexual preference, one of two boys had looked at Harry in a way that not only wanted to make him disappear, but scald himself in boiling water.

Near the end of the day, Severus caught up to Harry, who was with Hermione at the time. The two had been dating for a little over two months now, and Severus was curious as to why Malfoy would do such a thing.

"Harry... May I please speak to you, alone?" Severus asked, directing Harry into an empty classroom. He nodded for Hermione to continue on her way as he follow his father into the room.

Severus shut the door quietly behind them, then looked at Harry with a quizzical expression on his face. "Dare I ask what that little scene with Mr. Malfoy was about earlier?"

"I'm not gay, if that's what your asking." Harry sighed, "Ask him why he did it, because I sure as f-cking hell don't know."

Severus looked up as a response to Harry's language; "Pardon me? What did you just say?"

"I said," Harry breathed, "Ask him why he did it, because I as f-cking hell don't know."

Severus' eyes narrowed, "Don't you dare use that language around me, son."

"Why not?" Harry asked bitterly, "It's part of the English language -- why is it banned anyway?"

"The English language," Severus started, "Is a very precise and exact thing; as mixed up and diverse it can be, there is only one proper way to truly say some things. Saying it otherwise results in sounding as if you do not know the proper way; therefore, you sound stupid."

"Glad to know you've joined the Anti-Harry club." Harry smirked, "Wouldn't want to be left out, would you?"

Severus was taken back by the way Harry was acting; never in his life had he ever spoke this way to either himself or Lily. "Why are you acting like this?"

Harry just shook his head, "Must be all those Potter genes in my blood; from what I've heard, he was one hell of a son of a bitch. I might as well just follow his footsteps, seeing as I'm so much like him."

In one swift motion, Severus had grabbed Harry by the shoulder and was approximately two inches away from him. "I don't ever want to hear you say that again, do you understand me? You are NOT like James Potter, nor will you ever be. You are ten times the man James ever was -- do you understand me?"

Harry glared at Severus, "Why should I listen to you?"

Severus was positively seething now; if Harry had been in his right mind, he would have bolted for the door. "Because I am your father, that's why."

Harry tore his shoulder out of Severus' grip. "No, you're not my father. James Potter is; don't fool yourself." With that, he turned on his heel much like Draco had earlier in the day and walked out on a stunned Severus Snape.

*

Chapter Twelve, Part Two: The Gift ... (Mum Can Too?)

The relationship between father and son was never the same; Harry eventually apologized and Severus eventually forgave him, but from then on, the bond they had was broken. Before this, they had rarely ever argued; now, arguments were a weekly occurrence, much to Draco's delight.

Severus was torn between striking down on his son or brushing it off as a phase; Ethan was now a first year and Lily was getting busier and busier, dealing with Dakota and Drake at home. Dea and Kaylee, however, were perfect angels, according to her.

Severus didn't get to see Lily until Christmas vacation that year. The Tri-Wizard Tournament was being held at Hogwarts, and the Hogwarts school champion, Cedric Diggory, was in first place. Severus barely had time to breathe, let alone see Lily.

Harry, Ethan, and Severus went back to the Snape mansion on the 17th of December, despite Harry's best efforts to stay at Hogwarts over the holidays.

Severus was greeted with open arms from his children, while Ethan went directly to his mother. Harry didn't even bother with the family; he went up to his room as soon as he walked through the door, not even greeting Lily. Setting his small bag containing his wand and a few other necessities, he collapsed onto his bed and sighed, starring up at the ceiling.

Severus, meanwhile, watched his son climb the stairs in a dejected way, dragging his bag along with him. He reached Lily and gave her a kiss, trying to transfer his feelings to her.

What's wrong?

I told you about the fight Harry and I had...

Yes, you did.

I think he hates me.

Sev! He could never hate you.

I wouldn't be too sure about that if I were you.

There was a pause, and then their lips connected once more.

Listen to him...

Ok... God, it's good to see you again.

It's good to see you again too, Sev.

The two broke apart and Severus slowly shifted his concentration from her to Harry, slightly confused by the rage he suddenly felt.

Those bastards... How can they understand? He's down there, hugging his children while I'm up here, the bastard son... Why the hell does he hate me so much?

Severus flinched at these thoughts, and then excused himself from the rest of the family. He made his way up the stairs, careful not to make a sound. He came to Harry's door and knocked softly.

Bastard... "Come in!"

Severus opened the door slowly and then closed it behind him, pausing for a moment.

"Yes?" Harry asked.

Severus walked forward to the edge of Harry's bed. "Are you ok, son?"

Why are you calling me 'son' all of the sudden? Change of heart?

Before Harry could verbally answer, Severus held up his hand. "I'm calling you son because you are my son... I never had a change of heart."

Harry looked at Severus, his mouth hanging open slightly.

What the hell...?

"If I asked you not to use that language under my roof, would it make a difference?" Severus sighed. Harry shook his head.

"How are you... What?"

Severus smiled slightly, "Let's just call it a gift."

Can you hear what I'm thinking?

"Yes." Severus answered.

Harry sat up, "Oh my God..."

Severus sat down lightly at the end of Harry's bed. "Would it make any difference if I apologized?"

"For what?" Harry asked, voice shaking slightly.

"For making you think I hated you."

Harry shook his head, "I know you do... How could you not? I heard the story, Professor Lupin told me all about you and Mum, how you had to break up with her because of Voldemort... How my father was killed -- "

"Your biological father." Severus corrected, "I raised you, Harry. Just because you're James' child doesn't mean I hate you, quite the opposite actually. If Remus told you the whole story, then do you know how for the first year of your life, only your grandfather knew who your father was?"

Harry cocked his head a bit, looking up at Severus. "What?"

Severus took in a deep breath, "You know how babies are made, I'm sure. Lily was married to both James and I; neither relationship was illegal or morally wrong. Understand?"

Harry nodded, "But... you mean, you could have been my real dad?"

"Your biological father." Severus corrected once again, "Yes, there was a total possibility. Harry, just because I'm not -- don't think I hate you."

"Then why do you treat Ethan and everyone different? You hug them more, you... I don't know, look at them differently, I guess."

"How?" Severus asked gently, "If anything, I try to be more of a father to you than to them."

"You look at them like..." Harry thought for a moment, "Like you simply adore them."

"And I don't look at you like that?" Severus smiled a bit, "Your mother tells me at least twice a week to pay a bit more attention to your younger siblings. I love and adore you just as much as I love them; they might have my blood running through their veins, but you -- God Harry, you're my son. With you, blood has never mattered. It will never matter, I see no way how."

There was a pause as the tense in the air slowly decreased. Finally, Harry cracked a smile.

"Ok."

Severus smiled and hoisted himself up next to Harry. "What do you say me and you spend a day together -- just us, sometime during the holidays?"

Harry nodded, "That sounds like fun."

Severus nodded back, "Good, I'll tell your mother she's going to be stuck without us for a day -- think she'll survive?"

Harry smirked, "With Ethan and Dakota running around? It's hard to call."

Severus grinned, "I'll say... Do you think I could talk you into coming downstairs? I know a certain five year old is terribly excited to see you."

"Dakota?" Harry asked.

"That would be the one."

Harry nodded, "Ok, but I want to ask you something first... How long have you been able to...?"

"Read minds?" Severus finished, "Ever since I graduated from Hogwarts."

"You mean to tell me, all these years you've known when I was lying and what I was thinking?" Harry asked.

Severus shook his head, "No. Lily and I made a rule when we moved in; we weren't going to listen to you children unless we had a very, very good reason to."

"You mean... Mum...?" Harry looked faint. "Does this mean all the other kids can too?"

"Hardly." Severus shook his head, "I'd sooner have Voldemort back than let those children have access to all the minds on Earth. Believe me, you'd be the first child to get the Gift, if I ever saw a reason to -- which I haven't and probably never will."

Harry nodded, "I find out more about this family every day..."

"So do I," Severus agreed, "So do I."

*

Chapter Twelve, Part Three: Things That Go Bump In The Night

"So, I see you made up with Harry." Lily commented that night.

One button... Two buttons...

"Yes, I did. He and I are going to spend a day together sometime during the holidays."

Three buttons... four... Mmm.

"That's good."

Now shut up and kiss me.

"Lily baby, you're a bit excited tonight, yes?"

Because I want you...

Don't you always, baby?

Always...

Lily's fingers started fumbling with the last button of Severus' shirt and he soon reached up and undid it himself, then leaned in and kissed her.

Why can't you stay here with me?

I have obligations, dear.

So? Tell Papa you quit... They could find a new Potions Master, no problem... I hear Remus quit.

Yes, he did, claimed his transformations were getting too powerful for him to handle each month and didn't want to endanger the students.

That was thoughtful.

Yes... Sirius is still around, however. Harry likes to talk to him.

Harry, Harry, Harry... Always Harry. What about me?

Baby, you have my complete attention right now.

Only because of where I'm sitting.

No, no... That's only partially the reason.

Then what's the rest?

This...

Severus laid her down, straddling her hips. "Do you have any idea how much I love you, baby?"

"I have some idea..." Lily smiled and cupped his chin in her hands, touching her nose with his. "Is it because of my ravishing looks or magnetic personality?"

"Both." Severus kissed her, "Your Papa was right."

Lily smirked, "You're about to f-ck me and you mention Papa."

"Yes... Well, when he said you and I were like rabbits."

Lily laughed lightly, "Yes, I suppose he was."

Severus kissed her once more, running a finger down her cheek. Promise you'll never leave me.

Lily moaned, God, I promise... Sev...

Yes baby?

If you say one more god damned word, I swear to god... I don't know what I'll do...

Severus laughed, Yes Madam.

It was nearing three in the morning, yet I was still awake. I gazed at Lily's face, a smile creeping onto my own lips. Her dark auburn hair spilled across the pillow, mixing with my own black hair, now even with my ears.

She still looked the same... Maybe a bit older, but she was still as beautiful as ever. Her skin was still as soft as it was the first day I touched her, her eyes still as alive as the first time I ever looked in to them... She was amazing. I didn't know what I would do without her; die, surely. She and our wonderful children... Her pregnancies were always difficult, but I tried my best to help her through each and every time. Her and I... we were truly magical. We needed no wands, just each other.

I closed my eyes and concentrated on her as a wave of happiness washed over me. I felt whole; complete, as if we were a puzzle joined together. I dreaded leaving, even though it was two weeks away. Christmas was almost always the happiest time of the year for me in my adult life. Lily made it all worth it, always being there when I needed her.

I looked outside and noticed the full moon. A wave of guilt washed over me as I remember Remus, out there attempting to tear himself limb from limb. I hoped he was safe, or as safe as a werewolf could be.

I kissed Lily's forehead softly as a sudden wave of sleepiness washed through me. I didn't want to sleep; I wanted to stay here, conscious of all my time left with this angel sleeping next to me.

When it was over, I could always look forward to forever with her.

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing

Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don't want to close my eyes

I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating

And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

Don't want to close my eyes

I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

I don't want to miss one smile

I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don't want to close my eyes

I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
I don't want to miss a thing.*

*Aerosmith, I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

*

Chapter Twelve, Part Four: Godric's Hollow

Christmas was spectacular; the children spent the day running around the house with tinsel in their hair and candies clutched in their fists. Harry and Ethan fought again; this time, Ethan brought out the big guns and shot Harry down not having the same blood as him. Harry had immediately punched Ethan in the face, leaving two black eyes and a broken nose.

Ethan denied the whole thing, of course; Harry, however, wouldn't have made something up like that, especially since he was becoming incredibly sensitive on the subject of James. I had wondered why it took him so long to completely absorb the subject; however, as he was only eleven when he was told and could not quite completely register the idea of his father being someone he had no memory of and someone who had abused his mother... If it was myself instead of him, it would have taken me much longer than three years to absorb it.

He and I decided on December 27th, two days after Christmas, he and I would travel to London and perhaps Wales for a few hours. He was anxious to see Godric's Hollow, although Lily didn't want me to bring him to the location of James' death, in fear it might traumatize him slightly. It was one of the first arguments we ever had; I insisted on bringing him to Godric's Hollow, saying he was old enough to handle the truth. The house had been occupied by Muggles for the past fourteen years, so it wouldn't matter anyway. Lily finally caved in after nearly an hour, making me promise to take full responsibility for Harry if he ended up even remotely scarred by the visit.

It went as well as I could have hoped for; Harry and I went to Diagon Ally first, he admired the Firebolt broomstick as I went into Flourish and Blott's for a few books. We then ate lunch together at the Leaky Cauldron, avoiding stares from various hags, wizards, and witches.

Harry insisted we leave early for Godric's Hollow, as he wanted to take as much time as he needed. For what, I was clueless, but as he kept on insisting, I finally gave in and we left for Wales.

Godric's Hollow was never anything spectacular; to Harry, however, it was if he had found himself. He gazed up at the home Lily and James lived in as if he could see the events of fourteen years ago play out in front of him. He was standing in the exact spot I had stood in while standing guard for Voldemort, and I toyed with the idea of telling him that for a while. However, before I could speak, he turned to me and smiled one of the biggest smiles I had seen on him in years.

"Dad, thanks for taking me, but can we go home now?"

I nodded, checking my watch. We would be nearly three hours earlier than I had anticipated. I told Lily we would be back between the hours of six and eight; it was barely even three in the afternoon when we started making our way back, by train.

"Did you enjoy Godric's Hollow?" I asked Harry, who was sitting in the seat next to me.

"Yes, thank you." Harry said, "It was almost as if I could remember what happened... strange." He shook his head.

"Yes..." I said quietly, "The events were fairly clear in my mind, also. Considering you were barely a year old, even a slight remembrance is a huge accomplishment."

Harry nodded, "Could you tell me what happened?"

I sighed, "If you must know... But your mother will have my head if I tell you."

"So she doesn't have to know." Harry suggested, "It could be our secret?"

I smiled in spite of myself, "If you absolutely must know... But I have to warn you, the events aren't quite... Pleasant. After I tell you, I can almost guarantee you you'll have a different perspective of both your mother and I."

Harry nodded, "I understand."

I nodded back, "There is a way to show you... literally. But you would only get my recount of the events and my emotions to go along with them. I could show you as I remember it... But I daresay it'd be a bit too dramatic."

Harry shook his head vigorously, "No, no... I want to know. No one's really explained it fully before."

I sighed, then touched his shoulder gently. "Close your eyes." He obeyed, and soon I felt a surge of electricity go into him as my memories were transferred over to him and back to me.

A moment later, he opened his eyes, trembling slightly. "You were a Death Eater?"

"A spy." I said quietly, "For Dumbledore, not for Voldemort. The man next to me -- Peter Pettigrew -- is the man who betrayed your mother and James. He was their secret keeper... He's currently rotting in Azkaban. I believe he received the Dementor's Kiss shortly after arriving, as Sirius Black informed Dumbledore that Pettigrew was an Animagus."

"He was?" Harry said incredulously. "What did he turn in to, a cow?"

I smiled, "No, true to his name -- Wormtail -- he was a rat."

Harry nodded, "He deserved it."

"Yes, he did." I sighed, "He nearly got your mother and you killed. If I had found him before the Ministry had, I can assure you I would be in the cell next to Pettigrew's dead body."

We arrived at the Snape mansion fifteen minutes to four, to the children playing together in one of the living rooms. I hugged each individually after asking Ethan where his mother was.

"She's upstairs with Mr. Lupin." He informed me. I thanked him, partially glad Remus was keeping Lily company. I quickly made my way upstairs to the Master Bedroom, turning the handle and opening the door fairly quickly.

What stood before me was something I would never, even in my wildest dreams, have imagined. Remus Lupin was lying in Lily's spot on the bed, Lily on my side, cradled in each other's arms, naked.

The moment I saw them, Lily jumped up and pulled the sheets over her body, which had suddenly gone pale and was shaking slightly.

"Severus... you -- you're home early." She said quietly. Remus sat up, looking at me with a blank expression on his face.

"Lily... you... him... how could you?" I spat out, backing out of the room slowly. Lily jumped up and threw on her robe, running towards me.

"Severus... please..." she started. I shook my head and held up my wand, pointing it first at her, then at Remus, then back at Lily.

"Don't you dare move." I then turned around and ran back down the stairs and out the door. I Apparated to the first place I thought of: Hogwarts.

*

Chapter Twelve, Part Five: Jaded

He came with good intentions; I had sent him a Christmas card and invited him over for the day, only to talk and visit. I had no idea what it would lead up to.

He conversed with the children for about an hour, finally asking to see me alone. I nodded and led him up to the Master Bedroom, knowing it was the only place we could speak alone.

He set me down and just looked into my eyes for a moment. It wasn't romantic; not in the least. It was a friendly gesture.

"How are you doing?" He knew I was often depressed. Even Severus had no idea; he was rarely home any more. It was partially my fault for making him take the job as the Potions Master at Hogwarts, but the time away from him was slowly killing me.

"Better... He's home for another few days." I smiled weakly. "Our anniversary was yesterday."

Remus smiled, "How many years?"

"Seventeen." I sighed, "It seems like forever though."

"I'm sure it does," Remus nodded, "It's half your life."

I smiled, "Yes, it is... But God Remus, every day it seems like we're slowly breaking apart, bit by bit. I don't even know how to explain it... He's more concerned with Harry now than he is with me and his own children."

"Harry is his child." Remus said quietly, "He's too afraid of losing him to take that gamble... Talk to him about it. Severus loves you more than any other human being on this planet, I'm sure of it."

I looked up at him, ashamed of the tears starting to form in my eyes. "I don't know anymore... He says that, but how do I know he's not off with some girl in Hogsmeade each night? How do I know I'm still the one he thinks about each day?"

"You have the tools." Remus said quietly, "You know you do."

I sighed once more, "God this is so hard... Seventeen years, right? He's never done anything to make me think he's unfaithful. Why do I feel this way? I love him as much as I ever have, but I just feel so uncertain."

"Lily, babe, it's much too soon for you to be having a midlife crisis." Remus joked feebly.

"Only Muggles have midlife crisis's." I sniffed, "But why?"

Remus paused, "Ask yourself why, Lil."

I thought for a moment, but nothing came to me. "I -- I don't know."

"Think." He leaned in closer, and I could feel his hot breathe on my face.

I thought once more, but still no answers came. Instead, I did something I never should have done, nor had any reason to do.

I kissed him.

Instead of pulling back, he gave in to temptation; my mind screamed that this was wrong, but how wrong could something this sweet be? I felt nothing towards him. The thoughts that filled my head were only of Severus and his reaction if he ever found I out I did something such as this.

It was all me; I didn't allow him to stop, but I never wanted to go as far as we did. My body was screaming for me to stop, it was incredibly painful defying Severus like that. I needed this though; I needed to know if my emotions towards Severus were as real as this.

I felt the sunlight pour through the windows, spreading out across the black satin sheets that lay across the bed Remus and I were now on.

This is wrong... This is so incredibly wrong... Think of her husband, what's he going to say? He loves her, you're going to kill him... You're going to kill their relationship... Damn it, Remus, STOP.

I could hear him as well as if he was truly talking. I, however, held on tighter and kissed him harder. There was no passion behind it; just need. He was one of my three best friends, how could I do something like this with him? It wasn't him though... It was the anger, the frustration I felt with Severus. It wasn't love, it was the opposite. Aggression towards Severus ran through my body as I transferred it to Remus.

The poor man was as clueless as I was. I was terrified of Severus walking through that door as I knew he would in four hours, but I was convinced he would never know.

I was hurting myself. I was hurting Remus, I was hurting my family, my children, Severus. God, I was going to hurt Severus as much as learning Harry wasn't his son had hurt him... More, even.

They would never expect this. Never in their wildest dreams. I had no idea what I was doing, but soon we were both undressed and hands were running up and down our bodies. Still, there was no emotion, no human contact. Just anger and frustration.

My mouth separated from his briefly. I wasn't planning on speaking, however I didn't give myself a choice.

"Make love to me... Please, Remus..."

Oh God, why had I said that? I just sealed my fate. Why? Why, why, why... I didn't mean it.

He looked up at me with a pleading expression in his eyes. "Lily..."

"Please, Remus. He'll never know." Why had I said that? Why?

He finally gave in, almost as if he knew I needed it. Silently, he was cursing himself and going through many different scenarios in his mind, each worse than the last.

It was nothing compared to the emotion of contact Severus and I had; I soon realized that. There was no sense of fulfillment, only a feeling of dread that settled in my stomach once it was over. I took Severus' side of the bed, knowing he would take it even worse if he found Remus lying where he should. I didn't speak afterwards, only listened to Remus fight his consciousness.

I fell asleep soon after that, allowing Remus to try to comfort me as tears streamed down my face. He had no idea what I was feeling; I was disgusted with myself. It wasn't his fault in the least; I made him, he had little choice in the matter. There was no emotion, no love, no lust behind it. I felt emptier than I had in seventeen years, ever since Severus' daughter was taken from me. Had it really been that long? It seemed almost as if it was yesterday... Instead of running away, he proposed to me. I would never find a man more caring than that, more special... But I had just destroyed it. Why? Why did I have to do that? I felt as if I needed to defy him at first, but now that it was over, I felt terrible.

I was awakened perhaps an hour later by the sound of the door opening. It took a moment for all the memories to come flooding back into me, but once they had, I felt as if my insides were suddenly infested with snakes. I pulled the sheets over my body, ashamed for him to see me like that with another man.

I was trembling as I sat up; Would he hurt me? I deserved it. He lingered in the doorway, a shocked expression on his face

"Severus... you -- you're home early." I stammered. Next to me, Remus sat up. I could hear him screaming at himself alongside Severus' confusion.

"Lily... you... him... how could you?" he spat out. He took a step back -- No! He was leaving... He couldn't leave... No.

I jumped up, not caring if Remus saw my body. I threw on my robe and started towards Severus, guilt pounding through my veins. "Severus... please..."

Instead of stopping, he whipped out his wand and pointed it at me. I froze as he then aimed it towards Remus, then back at me. I was right; he was going to kill me.

"Don't you dare move." Severus hissed, his voice sounding more hateful than I had ever heard it. He then turned and ran out of the room, his black hair flowing behind him. I then looked at Remus, who had started putting his robes back on.

"Remus... I'm so, so, so sorry..." I said numbly, still trembling. He gave me an expression of pity, then tore after Severus. I sank back on to the bed, rocking back and forth, sobbing my eyes out.

"God... what have I done?"

Hey...Jaded.

You got your mama's style but your yesterday's child to me
So jaded
You think that's where it's at but is that where it's sposta be
You're gettin it all over me
X-rated

My my baby blue

I've been Thinking bout you, my my baby blue
Yeah you're so jaded
And I'm the one that jaded you

Hey jaded

In all its misery, it will always be what I loved
And hated, and maybe take a ride to the other side we're thinking of
We'll slip into the velvet glove, and be jaded

My my baby blue

I've been thinking about you, my my baby blue
I'm so Jaded
And baby I'm afraid of you

You're thinking so complicated

I've had it all up to here
But it's so overrated, love and hate it, wouldn't trade it, love me jaded

Hey, jaded

There ain't no baby please when I'm shooting the breeze with her
When everything you see is a blur
And ecstasy is what you prefer

My my baby blue...blue...blue

I've been Talking 'bout you
My my baby blue... blue...blue
Yeah I've been thinking about you
My my baby blue
Yeah you're so Jaded, Haven, Jaded, You're so Jaded
Cause I'm the one who jaded you.*

*Aerosmith, Jaded.