A Stroll in the Fandom

A fifteen year old boy picked up a book.

It read Touched *ith F**e.

He started reading.

***

It was a scorching hot sunny day and Harry Potter, who had just so happened to be working out for no apparent reason over the summer holidays, and somehow persuading the Dursleys who had never given him any money ever to buy him contact lenses - or he somehow found people who hired him to move boxes, etc.

Because of his huge muscles that had appeared over a few weeks of working out which he obviously would want to do.

Anyway, on with the story. It was a scorching hot sunny day and Harry Potter was in Diagon Alley, standing outside Quality Quidditch Supplies, which, by the way, also just happens to have the newest, best brooms that could go so fast, they outstrip the previous best broom in the world by about 2000 miles, you know, just because it obviously happens every day.

Anyway, Harry saw his friend Ron coming around a corner, holding a bag full of weights and other things that people use for working out, because, surprise, surprise, Ron happened to work out also over the summer, immediately becoming some kind of gorgeous sex god, which everyone would just drool over. Including strange people like Pansy Parkison who doesn't even talk to him at all - just because... because... well no reason is needed.

"Hello Ron! Observe my super fine-tuned body, look how I, as soon as my body is pumped up, immediately start to become homosexual!" cried Harry.

"Oh excellent, Harry! But I'm still better at chess than you," said Ron.

"Oh dearie me, I think I will run to Draco Malfoy because I feel like a third wheel around you and your chessboard and Hermione..."

Hermione appeared.

All of a sudden Harry and Ron dropped everything they were holding.

Ron's weights slammed into his foot, but it was okay, since his feet were so muscled the bag of weights just bounces off and causes no damage... and Ron is struck by partial amnesia and doesn't remember it the next day.

Anyway, back to Hermione.

Everyone knew all of a sudden she was gorgeous. Her hair was straightened, sleek and shiny, and all of a sudden all of her negative features disappeared and she became a supermodel Hermione.

Incidentally, she doesn't seem to like books anymore.

"Oh!" cried a voice around the corner.

It was Severus Snape.

"My oh my, Hermione Granger! I don't like you or anything, I don't even know you, probably never would have, besides for as they know-it-all girl in Potions class but all of a sudden I am intrigued! I must have you! I am taken by passion! Shoot me down God, I am flying for love! GO ON! I DARE YOU!"

Snape ran away, laughing maniacally.

"Oh that was strange," said Hermione, not disturbed at all. "But you know, I think maybe I should get together with Draco Malfoy. Not like I even know a single thing about him besides for he's a Slytherin or anything, but just for the hell of it. You know, danger is fun. Although I like books and detest danger, I think I will get together with Draco."

"NO!" cried Harry. "I have now turned gay! I should get together with Draco!"

Ron and Hermione turned to each other and smiled.

"Oh, I've loved you for so long!" they cried simultaneously, and started making out, completely ignoring the fact that Harry was gay.

"Oh. I feel so excluded," said Harry.

Ginny Weasley appeared around the corner.

"OH Ginny, I feel like such a third wheel. Let's start making out... you know just cause I can't stand being around your big brother Ron and Hermione when they're snogging!"

"Oh sure Harry, I've always loved you!" she cried, and they started making out.

The two couples were disrupted momentarily by Draco Malfoy, who, by the way, turned from an arrogant snooty prick that no one but the Slytherins liked, into some model kind of person walking around wearing leather pants for no reason.

"Oh Potter. I'm gay. I will help you kill Voldemort now."

"Oh Malfoy. I'm gay too. Even though I had no reason to be, I still am. Oh my! Look behind you, it's Voldemort!"

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" roared Voldemort.

Ginny all of a sudden walked to Voldemort and started snogging him - well she missed Tom Riddle from the diary, even though he controlled her and she hated him for the next four years.

People change their minds, everyone knows that.

Voldemort took Ginny in his arms, and passionately snogged her back.

He didn't really know the girl since he didn't actually know what happened with the diary and all, as he was a spirit wandering around.

But still, he decided to snog her and seduce her and ten seconds later, Ginny was over Harry and decided that she liked Voldemort.

"NO!!!" Harry cried.

"Fear not, Harry, for I am Draco Malfoy, and everyone loves describing me as the Dragon of Bad Faith... because you know that's what my name..."

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" yelled Voldemort, although he was still snogging Ginny.

Whatever works for you.

"NO!!! He killed my lover! Now I am straight again! Come to me, Ginny!" roared Harry.

Ron and Hermione, still making out behind a dumpster in Diagon Alley, even though there really isn't one as wizards could just say 'Scourgify' and get rid of all the garbage like that. They had to move aside however, when Dumbledore came in snogging McGonagall... even though they were old and all.

Love comes in all different forms.

Anyway, back to Harry.

"DIE VOLDEMORT DIE!" he yelled.

Voldemort laughed, but didn't kill Harry because if he did the story would be ruined and the world would be doomed.

"Oh! Ginny!" Harry sobbed. "I'm not gay, please come back to me!"

Ginny decided to kick Voldemort in the balls and walk back to Harry.

"Oh yay, now with the power of love, I can destroy Voldemort!"

"Avada Kedavra!" he yelled.

Voldemort, although he was smart enough, quick enough, and powerful enough, did not dodge the curse. He let it hit him - you have to be fair!

He died.

All of a sudden everything in the world went perfect again, butterflies floating around, people around the world yelling "Hail Harry Potter!"

"Oh yay, now I can live happily ever after! I owe it all to the sexy blond that is dead on the floor over there."

Harry sobbed for another hour. But then he became heterosexual again.

"Okay, Ginny lets get married and live happily ever after now."

"Okay."

And they lived happily ever after.

***

A fifteen year old boy closed the book, disgusted.

"Stupid parodies... I don't know why people read them!"

As he threw the book away, a mysterious shadow started laughing.

"MUAHAHAHAHA! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Apparently people from the Harry Potter world could come into the real world - even though they don't technically exist.

The boy died.

His ghost came out of his body and floated to the computers.

He typed www.fictionalley.org into the address bar.

He smiled.

It was a site full of real fanfiction. Good fanfiction.

Well most of it anyway.

He immediately clicked on a story called Twilight, by L.S. Song.

He smiled. It was good.

"What are you doing son?"

"Oh nothing... just taking a stroll in the fandom!"