A Really Bad Idea

Snape was completely distracted during Transfiguration. The worm into which he transformed his blue yarn had flying black hair and was, oddly enough, wearing gold-rimmed glasses. Much to his chagrin, it refused to change into anything closer to what it was supposed to be. When it transformed into a tiny, worm-colored snitch, he put his head on the table and refused to try again.

Lily watched the marauders like a hawk from across the room, waiting to pounce if they stepped out of line.

"Think she’ll tell McGonagall right after class?" Sirius asked, removing the fuzzy blue hairs from his worm’s skin.

"I hope not," Remus said.

"She might," James admitted. "How could we stop her?"

"Go waylay her after class. Distract her so she forgets," Sirius said.

"And how would such a thing be done?" James asked.

"I don’t know," Sirius said helpfully as he made his worm levitate in the air and spin around.

"Don’t abuse your worm, Mr. Black," Professor McGonagall warned from her desk.

Sirius let it drop to the table. "Sorry, Professor," he said without concern. "It was an accident."

She eyed him testily, and Remus hid behind his book.

"You should grab her and kiss her for no reason. That’ll do it," Sirius suggested, having forgotten McGonagall.

James went a little pale. "Kiss her? I’ve never kissed her before...."

"Isn’t that your life’s goal or something?" Sirius said with obvious distaste. "Why not now?"

"Well, she’d just... hit me. It wouldn’t be very romantic."

"Oh, I see. You’re waiting for the time when she won’t hit you, is that it? Then it’ll be romantic. Then I suppose you could get her one of those flying pigs for a present and propose, take her off to your castle-"

"Stop mocking me, Sirius; I’m in love."

Sirius shot him a look. "Yeah. Sorry."

"I am!"

"Didn’t mean to toy with a man in love, James. I know how it makes your heart ache and blah blah."

"Do you want to be turned into a worm?" James threatened, holding up his wand.

"Not really, no."

"Then shut up."

Sirius obeyed, holding his hands up defensively.

All of them were silent for a while.

"You should do it, though," Sirius added.

"No, he shouldn’t," Remus said.

"Yeah. He should."

"Not really."

"Yes."

"No."

"It’d work."

"Absolutely not."

"Absolutely so."

"She wouldn’t forget."

"She’d be too embarrassed."

"She’d be encouraged."

"She’d flee."

"To McGonagall."

"Away from everyone."

"She’d just hit James and tell on us with more gusto."

"No, she’d flee in shocked embarrassment."

"No, she wouldn’t! She’d-"

"You don’t think James is a good enough kisser to disorient her?"

James suddenly jumped into the conversation.

"I bet I am!" he insisted.

"I didn’t say-" Remus protested.

"I’ll do it," James said, and he shook Sirius’s hand.

"You’re so gullible," Remus growled.

"Am not! I decided on my own!" James puffed up his chest.

"I’m just persuasive," Sirius whispered to Remus.

"Why are you whispering in Remus’s ear, Sirius?" Peter asked. "It’s kind of suggestive."

"Would everyone please drop that theme of the day?" Remus fumed as Sirius cackled, nearly murdering his worm when he slapped the table.

"You guys, look!" Sirius said delightedly, suddenly distracted. The others looked over at Snape, who was blushing like a tomato( or more like a radish), as McGonagall frowned at his slimy, writhing snitch.

James and Sirius leaned on each other and laughed silently so that McGonagall wouldn’t notice. Snape’s eyes flashed over to them, though, and he turned a darker shade of purple.

Class ended, and McGonagall was heading back to the front of the room. Lily stood and began to walk in that general direction.

James took a deep breath, stepped into the aisle just in time to intercept her, and pulled her into the most terribly wonderful kiss she had ever witnessed much less experienced in her entire life. Everyone stared as she melted into his arms, her resistence turning into what seemed suspiciously more like encouragement (for example: her hands twined themselves into his hair, her body curved where his hand touched it- the usual signs of approval). Snape gaped at them, clutching the robes of the person in front of him in a desperate attempt to keep himself in touch with reality and avoid running at the two or drooling- he came disturbingly close to failing the latter. McGonagall, who caught only the end of the kiss, looked extremely shocked as she said, "Miss Evans! Mr. Potter! Please get to your next class!"

Lily spun her head away from James to look, horrified, at McGonagall. Then she ripped herself away with such force that she almost fell into a desk and fled the scene.

"Amazing!" Sirius exclaimed as they went out into the hall.

James didn’t seem to be hearing anything at the moment.

"I mean, I was not expecting that," Sirius said.

James, it was implied, had not been expecting it either.

"She’s actually really very much extremely attractive when she dissolves like that," Sirius observed.

Agreement radiated silently from James.

Sirius added, as an afterthought, "You should’ve seen Snape. It was hilarious."

- - - -

Snape ran to catch Lily and grabbed her arm.

"I need an antidote," he rasped.

"I’m going to Charms right now," she said, flustered. "Besides, I was under the impression you didn’t need help from filthy Mudbloods like me-"

"Please, I’ll do anything- anything you ask me to," he begged (not something Snape had ever generally been inclined to do- especially not to Lily Evans).

Lily frowned at him. "Why don’t you make it, genius?"

"Why didn’t you make yours?"

"Because I couldn’t concentrate for beans. Potions reminded me so much of Slughorn."

"Well I can’t make mine because potions remind me of...."

"James?"

"Please," Snape winced, "don’t say his name."

"Why do potions remind you-?"

"Everything reminds me of him!" he pleaded desperately. "I can’t stop thinking about him! I’m going to kill myself! I can’t take it! He’s so perfect!"

Lily walked faster. Snape kept up.

"I made the antidote for you!" he insisted.

"Which was ironic, since you made the potion, didn’t you?"

"I-"

"Didn’t you

?"

"Yes, but I made the antidote!"

"And you made sure it was the most miserable experience of my life getting help from you. No, thank you."

"But you can make it miserable for me too, now! You’re the only person in this idiot school who I trust to do it right- please!" He got on his knees and held her robes. "I’ll make a scene!"

Lily yanked him to his feet.

"Fine. But you better leave me alone for the rest of my life."

"Thank you!" Snape exclaimed uncharacteristically, throwing his arms around her. She peeled him off disgustedly.

"God, you must have made that potion strong."

"It must be the best love potion I’ve ever made," Snape said miserably, "and I didn’t even try that hard." He put his head in his hands.

Lily rolled her eyes and walked away.

- - - -

James had regained himself by the time he reached Charms class.

"I suppose she won’t try to tell on us again for a while." He smiled as they walked in.

Slytherin wasn’t in Charms with Gryffindor, so Snape wasn’t present.

"Pity," Sirius said as they took their seats behind a few Ravenclaw girls. "No Snivellus this hour."

And he didn’t pay attention for the rest of class.

- - - -

"Lunch! Yes!" Sirius said, and he pulled out the vial of love potion.

"WHOA, WHAT DID I MISS?" Remus exclaimed, failing in his attempt to snatch the vial away.

"We’re going to give Lily a love potion for-"

"No, you aren’t, and you can’t get by me this time, I swear! We’ve screwed this up enough already-"

"Come off it, Remus. Do you want to get in trouble or not?"

Remus blinked. "I’m sorry, I fail to see how giving Lily her second love potion this week will help us avoid trouble."

"That’s because you’re daft. You think she’ll tell on someone she loves?"

"But she’ll know, and then she’ll make herself tell."

"Notice that Snape hasn’t gotten us in trouble yet?" Sirius asked.

"But he’s embarrassed."

"Aw, come on! Snivellus would never ever pass up a chance to tattle on us, embarrassed or not. He can’t tell, because he’s in love."

"What if she decides to tell on everyone accept James?" Remus asked. Sirius popped the cork out of the vial.

"What? You think she’s in love with him because he kissed her?"

"No...." Remus frowned. "Did I miss... something else?"

"Only one drop, alright, Sirius?" James said uneasily.

"Whatever, James. Don’t worry about it."

"You guys, I’m a little confused," Remus said.

"Ask Peter’s advice. He deals with that emotion all the time."

"Hey!" Peter protested.

"What?" Sirius retorted. "You know what’s going on or something?"

Peter hung his head.

"Would someone please tell me who you intend to make Lily fall in love with and how you’re going to do it with a potion that makes everyone fall in love with James?" Remus beseeched Sirius, who ignored him, reached out and plucked a piece of his hair, and dropped it into the vial.

Remus gasped. "No!"

Sirius and James walked into the Great Hall (followed slavishly by Peter), leaving him standing- shocked- outside the door.

He scrambled after them.

"No, no, no- you’re kidding, right?" Remus said, catching up to them.

"Kidding?" Sirius frowned.

Remus searched for another train of pursuit.

"It won’t work, will it? With two hairs in it? Won’t she fall in love with James too?"

"Two hairs?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"But how will you knew where she’s going to sit?"

"Going to sit?" Sirius stitched his eyebrows together.

"WOULD YOU STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!" Remus exploded.

"Questions?" Sirius asked, and cracked up.

"We got a nice Slytherin first year on his way to potions- late, mind you- to go into the Slytherin Common room for us and dig through Snape’s room until he found the cauldron with the rest of this potion in it," James explained. "He gave us a nice little vial of it, and we in turn did not hex him, and everyone went home happily."

"Wait, but why-"

"If she loves you, then she won’t tell on any of us, because it’ll be obvious that you knew about it, and you’d get the most heat, being a prefect and all."

"You guys, be reasonable," Remus said breathlessly.

"When have we ever done that before?" Sirius scoffed, dipping his finger into the potion and putting some on James’s lips. "Don’t lick your lips now, James," he warned.

"OH, NO!" Remus almost laughed he was so astounded. "Don’t you remember that this whole thing was supposed to be vengeance against someone who gave Lily a love potion?"

James looked depressingly unconcerned. "You’re the nicest person in the world, Remus, she’ll never even know it’s a potion. She’ll just think from a distance, ‘He’s sweet.’ for a day or two. It’s not like you’re going to tantalize her." He stared Remus down harshly, as if to enforce the last words. "We’re just buying ourselves some time so that I can explain my good intentions in giving Snivellus the potion, and then she’ll undoubtedly understand and forgive us all. No harm done. Excuse me." He left abruptly to go catch Lily in the hall.

"But- I mean- it doesn’t- I know there’s a flaw somewhere!" Remus insisted. Sirius patiently waited for him to finish his sentence. "You know she won’t forgive us, Sirius. She doesn’t care what our motives are."

Sirius picked at his nails.

"It’ll be really funny, though," he said lackadaisically.

Remus sat down and contemplated suicide.

"Get over it, Remus. Everyone will forget in a week anyway. It’s not like there will be any permanent damage."

- - - -

James blew on the back of Snape’s neck as he passed him going to his spot in Herbology. He tensed.

"He’ll be strung up so tightly by the end of the day he’ll burst," Sirius said.

James frowned as it occurred to him that that could be potentially bad for him.

"If he tries to rape me, I’ll kill him," James said.

Sirius guffawed. "Are you kidding? I’d kill him for you. He might try to kiss you, though. Keep your guard up."

James looked unpleasantly at the tiny, plump, yellow bud sticking out of the pot in front of him.

"Look, Remus, yours is sick," he said, pointing to Remus’s, which was a little greener than the rest.

"I’m sure it’s just younger," Remus corrected.

"Mine’s a geezer? Is that what you’re saying?" James said. "That thing is in its prime, I’m telling you." He prodded it with his wand and a long trail of slimy yellow liquid shot out of it, arcing gracefully over to Lupin, who stepped out of the way and collided with Lily Evans as she walked past.

"Sorry, Lily," he blushed terribly, stepping aside to let her through.

She looked at him strangely and he ducked his head to avoid meeting her eyes. She smiled a little as she walked by.

"Did you see that?" Sirius elbowed Remus. "You’re such a ladies’ man."

"Sure," Remus said, still blushing as he made the slime disappear with his wand.

Class began, and as Professor Sprout explained the medicinal value of the Spitting Forest-Bulb, Severus Snape wondered to himself why the hell Gryffindor and Slytherin were in so many effing classes together. James figured out how to make his bulb spit in controlled directions and entertained the class by creating lovely arcs that shot over Professor Sprout’s head without her noticing.

"Stop it," Remus whispered. "Lily’s watching."

"No she isn’t, she’s watching you," Sirius said obviously.

"She is?"

"Duh. Did you forget about the love potion or something?"

"No, but I thought it was going to be milder," he protested.

"It is. She only got a little. Otherwise she’d be angry right now because she’d know why she liked looking at you."

"This is so messed up," Remus mourned.

It wasn’t actually quite as messed up as it could have been, though. Some things were currently going completely correctly.

Those things would get screwed up later.

- - - -

Lily caught Snape after Herbology.

"Alright, I’ll get the antidote to you by dinner, but you have to do me a favor- for free."

"Of course for free," he said. "As if I’m in a position to barter for prices."

"Wait, Twyla!" Lily motioned the other girl over. "You too."

"Ooo yea! What now?" Twyla squealed, bouncing over. "This is the best week of my life!"

Snape once again showed a great presence of mind by not killing himself.

- - - -

"Trixie!" Sirius exclaimed as she passed them in the hall. "I didn’t notice you all day yet!"

"Shut up, you blood traitor," she scoffed.

"Does that mean you think he’s hot?" James asked.

"No, I don’t think he’s hot," she said, apparently disgusted.

"Of course not," Sirius said, and ran his hand through his hair. "I’m too cool."

"You’re a fool, that’s what you are," she boiled, and she marched off.

"Wow," Peter said. "Is she angry at you?"

"Is she ever not?" Sirius asked. He ran to catch up to Bellatrix.

"Hey, darling," he said, putting his arm around her, "I just wanted to say that I may have accidentally given you a love potion this morning."

"What?" she snapped.

"Don’t worry- you’ll know if I did. See you later."

"Sirius Black, come back here-!"

He took off up the stairs to the Divination tower.

- - - -

Divination passed, in which nothing very significant happened except that Twyla sat in Sirius’s lap for no reason, pulled a fuzzy out of Remus’s tea, and left in giggling frustration when Sirius tickled her. They also all had to drink badly made green-leaf tea and read the dregs, and Snape saw James in his teacup (probably naked, Sirius surmised, which made James rather uncomfortable- he started trying to calculate how many drops of the potion he’d actually given Snape). To top off a wonderful class (to which Snape had arrived ten minutes late in the first place) the teacher tried to interpret his feelings for James to the effect that Snape swore at her, stormed out of the class, and received a flunking grade when he failed to ever return in future days.

- - - -

"Ancient Runes," Sirius said miserably. "Why am I taking that class?"

"Because I am," James said.

"Oh yeah. Why are you, then?"

"Because I am?" Peter asked hopefully.

"No, stupid, you’re taking it because we are." Sirius had snuffed out the glitter of hope in Peter’s eyes.

"I’m taking it," James said elegantly, "because Lily is."

Sirius grumbled as they sat down.

"Don’t worry. Next year, I intend to take Muggle Studies instead, so that I can understand her world better."

"Aw man," Sirius whined, and then he went to sleep on his book.

Ancient Runes progressed at a rather slow pace for Remus Lupin, as he frequently caught Lily glancing at him. Sirius was right about the smaller amount of potion, though. She seemed perfectly able to concentrate on her work, or at least too happy to care that she couldn’t.

He started looking over at her a lot, trying to catch her large green eyes scanning him for a moment or two. In fact, he was looking at her so frequently that she started catching him looking at her. Realizing that this was somewhat uncalled for on his part, he forced himself to not look at her anymore (accept for once more, or twice more- well, only four times) and prayed that James hadn’t noticed.

Of course he hadn’t, and it wasn’t a problem...

- - - -

...until the rest of the marauders left to wander the school and cause trouble before dinner, leaving Remus behind when he stoutly refused to come. And Lily came into the Common Room.

"Hi, Remus." She smiled.

"Hi." He blushed. "I was just going to go down to dinner."

"Can I walk with you?" she asked, inquiring with her striking eyes.

"Sure," he said stupidly.

They walked out into the hall and headed down towards the Great Hall, Remus wondering why he couldn’t just be rude for once and say no.

Nooooooooo don’t give yourself the chance to tantalize her you stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid- he was telling himself, when Lily gently turned his head and kissed him.

Very slowly, he processed what was going on and that he should be pulling away instead of gratefully returning her kiss, which he was DOING-

He yanked himself away.

"Lily-" he said breathlessly, "I have to tell you- they gave you-"

"Oh Remus," she chuckled, putting a finger on his mouth. "You’re so silly sometimes. Come here."

"But-" he stuttered.

"Come on," she said imploringly, pulling him by the hands. It got very dark suddenly.

"Err... Lily? Are we in a broom closet?"

"Lumos," she said carelessly, and the light danced over her beautiful face and what was obviously the inside of a broom closet. She smiled at him.

"Lily, I thought you were angry at us. Did you forget?" he attempted to make her snap out of it.

"I didn’t forget, Remus," she sighed, sounding a little more like Lily. "But I can’t do anything when I feel this way about you, so I decided there’s no harm in giving in to my urges."

"But don’t you know that it’s not real-?"

"What isn’t real? I’m mildly attracted to you, you’re mildly attracted to me, everything’s messed up, so why shouldn’t I take you in a broom closet?"

It made a whole lot of sense, actually, once she leaned in and kissed him again. She was so warm and soft-

"Wait!" he pushed her away again. "But I’m not attracted to you..." he said, as she moved closer again, pushing his arms easily out of her way. "I mean, I don’t feel that way about...." She slid her arms around his neck. "I... mean... err...."And she kissed him. He was lost in how good she tasted, how perfectly she was shaped. He tried to tell her once again that she had ingested a love potion, but managed only to say her name without much power and put his arms around her waist.

"Lily," he tried again weakly, talking into her lips, "you... really should... know...."

"I do know," she whispered. He felt her smile as she kissed him.

"What?" he said helplessly, trying to pull away from her. "You’re confusing me, Lily-"

She pressed him up against the wall, running her fingers through his hair. He found himself groaning in a rather embarrassingly girlish way.

"I know," she teased, and he pulled her in tightly, completely at her mercy.

- - - -

"Where’s Remus?" James asked.

"I bet you 300 thousand million galleons he’s snogging Lily in a closet!" Twyla said eagerly, squeezing in on the bench between Sirius and James.

"Oh my god," Sirius looked alarmed. "I’m not taking that bet."

"No way," James said. "Remus wouldn’t snog...a fly...."

The others stared at him.

"I’m looking for an analogy here!" he protested.

"He wouldn’t snog a Veela if she offered herself to him wrapped in a thin layer of silk," Sirius provided.

"Yeah!" James said.

"Well, I’d bet you-"

"Don’t say it again, Twyla, you’re scaring the hell out of me with your confidence," Sirius said.

"What broom closet? Where?!" James exclaimed climbing out of his seat with such haste that he almost collapsed.

"I’ll show you!" Twyla exclaimed, and scrambled out of the bench in an all too excited way and lead them out into the hall, Peter panting to keep up. She skidded to a halt in front of one particular closet and knocked. "We don’t want to embarrass them," she explained.

"Come in," said Lily’s voice from inside.

Sirius looked and James. James looked at Sirius.

"Are you thinking that love potion may have been a tad bit over-strong?" Sirius whispered.

Twyla threw open the door.

Remus rubbed his head.

"I’m so confused."

"WHAT IS THIS?" James shouted.

"I seduced him," Lily said lazily, stepping out of the closet. "And I liked it. I’ve had enough of your games. If you want to play unfair," she said, walking her fingers up James’s chest, "I can break rules too." She poked his nose and walked away, leaving him with his mouth hanging open. "And don’t think that’s the only thing on my list, either," she called back in warning. Twyla smiled innocently.

"Oh, shut up," Sirius said.

"I don’t understand?!" James said, distraught. "She seduced you?"

"Yeah," Remus said, looking equally disturbed.

"How? Do you like her?"

"I have no idea," Remus said, eyes wide. "I swear I didn’t before...."

Everyone, at the same time, except for Peter, came upon a revelation.

"There wasn’t any fuzzy in my cup, was there?" Remus said lamely.

"That bitch!" Sirius said loudly (referring to Lily).

"Hey!" James shouted, obviously heartbroken again.

"Alright, what’d you give me, Twyla?" Sirius threatened, towering over her.

"Well can’t you guess?" she asked. "Honestly, what has everyone been giving everyone lately?"

"I know it’s a love potion- for whom?!"

"Can’t tell!" she said, and ran away.

Everyone was in silent pain for a while. (Peter too, because he was trying really hard to figure out what was going on.)

"Let’s get back to the Great Hall," Sirius said. "I have to find out who I’m in love with."

- - - -