The Trouble With Being Perfect

The Trouble With Being Perfect

Chapter Five - The Gamble of James Potter

WHO ponders National events shall find An awful balancing of loss and gain, Joy based on sorrow, good with ill combined, And proud deliverance issuing out of pain And direful throes; as if the All-ruling Mind, With whose perfection it consists to ordain Volcanic burst, earthquake, and hurricane, Dealt in like sort with feeble human kind By laws immutable. But woe for him Who thus deceived shall lend an eager hand To social havoc. Is not Conscience ours, And Truth, whose eye guilt only can make dim; And Will, whose office, by divine command, Is to control and check disordered Powers? William Wordsworth

My Lily-Strategy changed a bit, and this time it was completely original. This plan wasn't like any of my others. I didn't send her flowers or candy; I didn't follow her around; I didn't even sit behind her in class.

I completely left her alone.

Sirius asked me if something had happened, so of course, I told him. He told me she would come around eventually, and because Sirius said it, I believed him.

I stopped following Lily, and I stopped searching for her in the corridors. I quit trying to catch her eye at dinner or sitting near her in classes. I didn't speak to her at Prefect meetings or our Head Student conferences.

In that little corner of you that has the surprisingly strong hold, I wanted that to hurt her. I wanted her to wonder why she no longer had my attention. I wanted her to want me back.

And then I found out that I was just hurting myself more. At least before I saw her in the halls and I could have my fantasies, but even that was lost by ignoring her. Face it, I can't ignore Lily Evans. She is like that really nasty tropical worm that crawls under the skin, and it can be seen under the flesh. It can't be removed except by cutting a small hole and slowly extracting it by wrapping it around a twig. There wasn't a twig suitable for removing her.

But anyway, I kept up my ignoring-Lily act for quite some time; my guess would be about a month. I had a grand time running around with my friends and doing some things I had neglected. I had fun, but it was an empty sort of fun. Sirius watched me a lot, and I think he was worried. Even Peter noticed I was a bit off-set, and he isn't the most observant of souls.

Peeves really did a good job of embarrassing me. He would follow me down the halls, saying, "Here's Potty, why isn't he following Evans?" Sometimes it would be, "Did Evans finally give you a good kick out the door?"

On the other hand, Lily looked happy and vibrant and alive. When I saw her, she was nearly always laughing and chatting with her friends, and that really, really stung. I have a feeling I had the lost-puppy dog expression on my face because a couple times her eyes ran across me, they soon rolled skyward.

My isolation period ended one day when both Lily and I were late for class and I saw her hurrying in a few moments before me. She seemed flustered all throughout that class, and when the period ended, she started cramming her rucksack full of books. She always sat alone in Advanced Runes because none of her friends took the class, and Remus had left me when he saw who I was watching. Since we were the only two people left in the classroom, it seemed only logical I help her with her things when her bag split. She had got to the doorway when all the books, quills, and ink pots went tumbling to the floor. Lily stood there, staring for a few seconds, as if she couldn't believe what happened. I gathered her things, but she continued staring. I had no clue as to what was happening, but I went along with the situation. I knew she had Transfiguration next, the same as me, so I started walking with her things and mine, leaving her to follow. I set her things on top of the desk she usually occupied in the second row, next to her friend Katie. I knew she had a hard time with Transfiguration, so she sat close enough to get a good view of the board but not close enough to be noticed frequently by Professor McGonagall. That worked well because I was easily McGonagall's favorite student. She never said so in as many words, but I could see a small smile when she would call on my and ask me a question no other student could answer, and I shot out an answer flawlessly.

Back to the story, she sort of just folded into her seat. I went on to my own desk by Sirius, and I saw him scribble onto a piece of parchment: Potter I ; Evans 0.

"Not hardly," I muttered, dreaming of the day we each had several tallies.

When Transfiguration was over, I considered asking Lily if she was doing okay, but I saw her walking with Katie and a couple other girls (note the flocking again).

"So, Lily dearest, do you want to tell us why James Potter was carrying your books?" Katie asked, looking rather red in the face.

Lily wasn't ruffled, though. She replied in a now-familiar tone, "My bag split; he picked up all my stuff."

"I don't see why you just don't admit you miss him following you."

"Probably because I don't, and if that isn't a good enough reason, he is right behind us."

There was instant silence. Wasn't she great?

I still wanted to know what was wrong with her, though. The only problem was I wouldn't be seeing her until our Head Students' conference the next Thursday.

Through my skills of honed and precise patience, I continued ignoring her until our biweekly conference in the library. I made sure she had to wait long enough she would give up and sit down so I could come in and catch her unaware.

"Hello, Evans, how are you today? You look absolutely marvelous. That Gryffindor red does marvels for your complexion."

"Stow it, Potter," she said without even turning around.

"You sound unusually pleasant. Do you save that good humor all day long just for me?"

"Only in your wildest fantasies."

"Said fantasies don't involve much talking," I whispered as I sat down and leaned unnecessarily close. I knew this would make her mad enough to wring my neck, but what a way to go. "So, why were you upset the other day?"

As predicted, she looked ready to start beating me with her repaired rucksack. "Go to hell."

"Such charming words fall from your lips. Why won't you tell me?"

"Probably because you are you."

"No kidding?"

"None at all."

"Why because I'm me?"

"Because I will start crying, that's why. I will cut out my tear ducts before I'll cry in front of you?"

"Why such extreme measures?"

"What's with the questions? I thought you were finally going to leave me alone."

"Psychological games. You're an interesting study."

"And you are terrifying. You seriously need to cool it a bit before you really scare me."

"I can do that...if you tell me why you wouldn't cry in front of me. Unlike Remus, I don't sprint from the room when tears are involved."

"You've made your fair share of people cry; I imagine you're immune to it."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you are a caustic, truculent person, Potter." Her voice rose up a notch, and I could tell I was seriously in for it. Again. "It means you love to get any sort of leverage over a person and use it again and again. You have made a career of kicking people when they're down. You find out something about them, and you'll save it for a long time, until it can hurt them the most. You won't do that to me."

"Of course I wouldn't. I happen to-."

"You happen to have some sort of...of...infatuation! Let's play the what if game here. On the day pigs fly and crows swim, I go out with you and we have some sort of relationship. Things will be just wonderful until I do something to make you mad. I'll break your favorite Quidditch trophy or lose your best shirt, and you'll be furious. Instead of yelling like a normal person would, you will dredge up my old memories and use them to hurt me as badly as I can be hurt. I will not allow that to happen."

"Why do you think that?"

"Why wouldn't I think that? I have known you for seven years, and I have watched you evolve from a mean-spirited little boy to a calculating and unpitying young man. Why would I want to be in a relationship with you? For seven years, I have watched you tear apart people. You have hurt so many people. You have made people cry. You have ruined some of these people's lives here at Hogwarts. These are supposed to be the best years of our lives. Do you think these are Snape's best years? God, I hope not, because you have made him miserable. What about me? I can't have a normal life because I have to wonder what outrageous thing you'll do next. You made Bertha Jorkins cry just last week when you told her that her snoopy ways will get her abandoned and unconscious in a forest somewhere!"

"That's the truth! Am I not allowed to tell the truth? My God, she was going through our locker room!"

"I don't care!"

"If you're such a nice and sweet person, why are you chewing me out like there's no tomorrow?"

"Because someone has to stop you, and I'm the only person not scared of you. You can't give me detention or take away points because I'm Head Girl. Everyone knows you're crazy for me, so I would hope you aren't going to verbally tear me apart. God help you if you try it, because you haven't even heard half of what I would like to say to you."

"Is that a threat?" I asked in what I hoped was a cool voice. Once again, she had cut me down.

"None at all, I'm simply giving you the consequences for your possible actions."

"Very well then, I'll keep that in mind. Since the last two times we've met you've done your best to degrade me, is there anything you do like about me?"

"Actually, yes, there is. I've considered this before, you know. You are smart, but you use it for the wrong things. You don't even do your homework; however, I can tell you are smart. Everyone knows it. And you are good to your friends. You can be completely lousy to everyone else, but you treat them well. If you can do that, there has to be a portion of you that knows how to be decent."

"You would be surprised."

"Only if it included everyone."

"If I was nice to everyone, would I be redeemed in your opinion?"

"I would reevaluate my opinion of you, not necessarily reconfigure it."

"Set your term and I'll do it."

Oh no, what had I just gotten myself into? I couldn't believe what I said even as the words popped from my mouth. Oh well, she called me truculent and caustic. Who in the hell said truculent, anyway?

"Excuse me?" Lily looked equally shocked.

"Let's have a wager. You can set the terms."

"I am not wagering with you."

"Why not? You at least have to admit I don't lie or break my promises. I'm a generally honest person."

"Until it suits you to be dishonest."

"True, but I usually wait until I'm desperate for that."

"Okay. We can make a bet. I'm really going out on the limb on this, though. You have to be nice to everyone for two solid weeks, we'll start on Sunday. If you do manage this, I will reevaluate my opinion of you. If you don't do it, you have to leave me alone forever."

"That's not good enough. I get two hours in the Hogsmeade restaurant of your choice with you if I am nice."

"Forty-five minutes is all I'm willing to give."

"Odd, I'm only willing to concede to two hours."

"Then I guess the bet is off."

"I guess so. You'll find a wonderful love note waiting for you in the morning. An obnoxious display of flowers would be appropriate for breakfast, I think. And I believe I would like to accompany to you to all of your classes."

I was prepared to do this, and she could see it."

"Fine. Whatever. You'll get two hours."

"Then we have a deal."

"I'll draw up the terms of agreement and give them to you tomorrow. I'll want a signature."

"That will be fine."

She glared at me before flinging her reports in my direction and snatching mine.

"You'll never make it."

"But I do have wonderful incentive."

Lily stalked out of the library, and I knew she had a swarm of killer bees in her bonnet. She would probably get as far as the stairs before the impact of what she did sunk in.

I stood out in front of the library door and waited. In about three minutes, I heard a loud, high-pitched scream from the one and only Lily Evans.

I believe I just became that tropical worm under her skin.