When Everything Goes Wrong

BACK AT THE APARTMENT

Sarah: YES I DO, YES I BLOODY DO. SO LET ME GO!!!

Andrea: Umm . . . Sarah in case you didn't notice we're already back home.

Sarah: DAMMIT!!

Snape: Well since we're all here then why don't I show you the list that I made? *Hands list over to Sarah *

Sarah: Um, smart-ass, I am still petrified.

Snape: Oh. * UN-petrifies Sarah and Andrea *.

Sarah: * grabs the list and begins to read * ARE YOU MAD!! I'LL BE KILLED!! This is just payback for what happened yesterday, isn't it.

Snape: * grins * Yes, it is.

Sarah: * mumbles * Slimy Grinch. Bet you would steal Christmas if you could.

Snape: * thinks for a moment * That's not a bad idea.

Sarah: * mumbles * What? You can't . . . what . . . NO! Just no.

Andrea: *grabs list from Sarah * HOLY HELLHOLE!!!! HOW MANY THINGS ARE THERE?!!??!!?!?

Snape: Well there are 71. I'll add more when you complete these. They will occupy you for a while.

Sarah: You really hate me don't you?

Snape: Yes!

Andrea: Well that's obvious isn't it? Why bother asking?

Sarah: * sigh* Well lets see what we have to do first. * The list goes as follows *.

100 Ways to Piss off Voldemort

#1: During a meeting walk up to him and say "You know, I heard a rumour yesterday that Salazar Slytherin and Helga Hufflepuff were switched at birth. You know what that means, dontcha buddy? You're the heir of Hufflepuff!"

#2: "Strange, isn't it . . . how someone as gorgeous as your 16-year-old self wasn't popular with anyone at all. Was it because they were jealous, or was it because you spent waaaaaay too much time on holographically projecting your image into that stupid diary? Oh by the way, while we're on the subject, how DO you DO that? I mean, do you project your image into a page and then hope that come hell or high water that it'll turn out exactly as you wanted it to? Or do you 'tap into' your own metaphysical superconscious i.e. the deepest depths of the quantum universe and see all the infinite possibilities of the future---i.e. Of the future people with whom you MIGHT have a conversation...and then record/project those conversations into the diary? And how do you know that the people in the future will find your diary at all, and that Peeves doesn't deliberately tear the whole thing up over Gryffindor's breakfast? Or what if someone really ditzy finds it and throws it in the garbage can? What if the Squid got it and ate it? What if McGonagall finds it and uses it on her lesson on 'How to turn a book into the softest throw blanket ever that never ever needs to be washed'? If I write down an equation for The Theory of Everything, will the you in your diary tell me if I'm right?"

3: Come late to a meeting and say " Righty Oh I am here we can start the tea party.

4: Walk up to him during a meeting and huge him and say "I've missed you and thought you can use a huge. Lucius's orders"

5: Ask him for his autograph and if he says why then say that it's because he's your role model.

6: Dance around the people during a meeting throwing flowers everywhere, while someone else throws flowers around the rest of the graveyard.

7: Call him Voldie Poo instead of Lord Voldemort.

8: Come wearing all pink.

9: Draw a smiley face on your mask.

10: Set fire to his robes and then try to extinguish it with gasoline.

11: Every time he looks at you sigh loudly.

12: Say something about how dark the meeting place is and then magic everything into really bright colours.

13: Take off your mask and grin sheepishly at him.

14. Go up behind him and shout DUMBLEDORE and push him.

15. Colour his robes all neon colours.

16. Ask him why he doesn't have such a cool scar.

17. Wake him up by singing Aretha Franklin, "I will survive."

18. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.

19. Call him 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'.

21. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.

22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What's that, a washing detergent?'

23. Keep a 'good-behaviour chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.

24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.

25. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?

26.Ask him 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Ever?'

27. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'

28. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.

29. Mock his choice of Quirrel as a 'host'.

30. Tell him you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways'

31. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.

32. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you 'thought you were helping!'

33. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.

34. Buy him a stress ball, one with a happy face on it.

35. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.

36. Say he 'looked better under the turban'.

37. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.

38. Knit him things, really hideous things.

39. Dance the Funky Chicken.

40. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath.

41. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.

43. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.

44. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.

45. When he tries to impress you with his powers say 'Awwww, looky. Voldie's got a twiggle!'

46. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'

47. Greet him at meetings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.

48. Apparate in and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. * Poof * there * poof * gone *poof* there....

49. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.

50. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.

51. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.

52. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.

53. Ask the same stupid question over and over every 5 min.

54. Play really loud music

55. Pick one word and say it in a stupid voice over and over every time someone talks to you

56. Laugh hysterically about nothing whenever you feel like it

57. Dance like you're on crack while doing steps 56, 55, 53

58. Play peek a-boo with him.

59. Shout random words after he asks a question. I.e.Baboon.

60. Apparate into his room while he is sleeping and setting the place on fire and very quickly disapparate.

61. Continually point at Voldemort whenever he's talking.

62. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with each other during meetings consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

63. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

64. Inform him that he exists only in your imagination.

65. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

66. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

67. Ask the other Death Eaters mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

68.Every time he sits down, stand up; point at him and scream while running out of the room. Then 5 minuets later come back looking like nothing happened.

69. Every time he says something always ask "why?"

70: "Lord Thingy" WE SHOULD ALL CALL HIM THAT NOW! ALL HAIL LORD THINGY!!!

71: Repeat a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Andrea: So what do we have to do first?

Snape: You have to do the first four at today's meeting. Oh and I'll be there watching. * Smirks evilly *.

* With another "pop!" Snape apparates out of their house *.

Sarah: Ok I am doing number 1 and 4. You can do 2 and 3.

Andrea: What am I doing?

Sarah: Ok you're saying this long thing and you're saying, "sorry we're late lets start the tea party."

Andrea: And what are you doing?

Sarah: Well I am saying that he's the heir of Hufflepuff and * shudders * I am hugging him. But that good side to that one is that I get to blame it on Lucius.

Andrea: Great . . . just great . . . remind me to run like hell when I'm done.

Sarah: At least you don't have to touch him. * Shudders * And I am saying he's a HUFFLEPUFF! So when is the meeting anyway?

Andrea: * looks through agenda* In 3 hours . . . * Sighs and flops down on the couch * we're dead.

Sarah: * also sits on couch * You're telling me. Umm where is Paulina? * Looks around *.

Andrea: * also looks around * and Draco?

* Suddenly Draco and Paulina bursts through the door *.

Draco: * pant * Ok what happened? What did we miss? Come on spill it.

Sarah: Oh not much just our funeral.

Paulina: What? * Sarah hands her the list *.

Draco & Paulina: WHAT THE HELL, IS HE MAD?

Andrea: Yes.

Sarah: NO!! He's way beyond mad.

Hope you like some of the things that we have thought up.

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