To Live Within You

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She said life’s a lot to think about sometimes When you’re living in between the lines And all the stars are sparkling, shine every day

He said life’s so hard to move in sometimes When it feels like I’m toeing the line And no one even cares to ask me why I feel this way

And I know you feel helpless now And I know you feel alone That’s the same road The same road that I’m on

He said life’s a lot to think about sometimes When you keep it on between the lines And everything I want And I want to find one of these days

But what you thought was real in life Oh, it somehow steered you wrong And now you just keep trying And trying to find out where you belong

And I know you feel helpless now And I know you feel alone That’s the same road The same road that I’m on

    -- "The Road I'm On" by 3 Doors Down

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Remus was now sitting at his kitchen table, a cup of steaming hot tea between his hands. He was leaning very heavily on his elbows, and at first glance it would have looked like that was all that was holding him up. And while he was very tired, he wasn't quite that weak. But yes, he was fatigued. He felt slightly guilty for being so tired when his friend had only just arrived, but it wasn't as though he had been expecting Sirius for more than a few days, if even that. It was hard to tell when one day ended and another began anymore.

Mundungus had owled him the moment that Sirius had left him (using an illegal speed charm on the creature no doubt) to tell Remus of his impending arrival. It had quite taken him off guard to be perfectly honest. He hadn't thought that Dumbledore would have allowed Sirius to go anywhere, much less without telling Remus about it. But then he supposed there was no safe way of letting him know...

A fact Mundungus had obviously forgotten to consider.

And then of course, knowing that Sirius was coming sparked a whole new mess of problems. Remus was well protected with a variety of wards and spells, but with Sirius Black of all people coming to stay with him, all of that had to be strengthened and improved. Remus had always had a knack for such things, but the amount of work he put it into it could drain anyone. Particularly since he worked on it alone and for about twelve hours straight...

Not that he really minded. As big of an inconvenience as Sirius was, and as he had always been though not exactly in this manner, Remus was glad to have him. For one thing, it was incredibly dull around there. Remus lived alone in a heavily wooded area with no neighbors for miles. It was safer all around that way. A werewolf didn't exactly attract very many visitors. And no one wanted to receive the ones that it did attract.

Moreover, and Remus knew it was incredibly selfish of him, the full moon was on its way. While Sirius had most likely been expressly forbidden from leaving Lupin's home, Remus doubted that wild horses could keep him away from a friendly, moonlit romp as Moony and Padfoot again. Particularly if Remus choked down that awful stuff that Snape sent him every month per Dumbledore's request.

Remus looked over at the black package that had arrived several days before with a look of utter distaste on his face. Only Snape would send a black package... Then again, Remus suspected that it also had something to do with the fact that Snape would rather have let Remus kill himself on the full moon. In his mind, it was the better alternative. Dumbledore was the one thing standing between him and death...

If only Remus had ever had the knack for potions. The curse of the werewolf had left him without a steady hand.

Remus glanced over at the clock, checking the time. It was nearly six. Sirius would be back from putting Buckbeak in a place where he wouldn't be bothered by Remus' lycanthropy any minute now, depending on how carried away Sirius got with the location. But when he got back, he'd be hungry. Remus should really get started on some kind of dinner for him. He didn't move from his spot.

Unlike most wizards, Remus chose to have an actual time device in his home. His reasoning behind it was perhaps a bit depressing, but at the same time it felt noble. After Sirius had escaped the Dementor's Kiss at Hogwarts the year before, Remus had immediately gone out and gotten himself a normal, Muggle clock. He had not known what had possessed him to do it at the time. After all, he barely had enough money to feed himself, and there he was spending it on nonessential, nonmagical items. But after staring at it for about three days, Remus had hit upon the answer his subconscious had been aware of the entire time... And having a rather good laugh at his expense.

It would serve as a reminder of time wasted. Remus had heard the phrases "carpe diem" and "live one's life as if one would die tomorrow" throughout his lifetime ad nauseum. He hadn't ever consciously done anything about it, but he had lived as good a life as any werewolf. Probably better given his connections. But still, he had wasted infinite amounts of time since October 31, 1981.

Ever since Prongs and Lily had died, Remus had wasted his life. He had spent so long blaming Padfoot... Hating Sirius with a passion that Remus had not known himself to possess. It was the kind of loathing Remus had come to expect from the wolf, but not from himself. He had wanted to kill Sirius. To personally squeeze the life out of him or tear him limb from limb. His brain couldn't wrap itself around anything horrible enough that would make his so-called friend pay for what he had done to the Potters. But he had tried.

How many nights had Remus spent, sitting in front of the fire and envisioning Sirius burning in it? How many times had he written out horrible, elaborate plans on just how to go about the murder, accounts that turned his stomach when he read over them days later? How many dreams had been happily experienced involving the torture of his one time best friend? How many days had Remus journeyed up to Azkaban, actually planning to carry it out? How long had he stood in front of the doors, watching as the Dementors dared him to go in? They had left him alone, wary of the wolf within as well as the rage. They had known his purpose and they would have let him do as he pleased. They would have let him shout the Killing Curse if it so suited him, only to swoop on them to perform their twisted version of justice once it was done.

Remus had ventured to Azkaban many times. It was actually permissible to visit the prisoners inside. Though almost none did it for it meant having to have at least one Dementor in the room with you. That was something most sane wizards chose to avoid.

Remus had gone in once.

He had actually walked inside, spoken with the warden, assured him that no he was not crazy, and waited for a background check to be run. Of course, his name showed up in the werewolf registry, along with several commendations from Albus Dumbledore and even the Ministry of Magic. The warden had been very confused as to what to do. Finally, he let Remus in...

And Remus had stood outside of Sirius' cell for hours.

The man had been asleep, something that amazed Remus to this day. How could one sleep in Azkaban with the cruel, nonexistent eyes of the Dementors upon you at every moment? It was so cold from their presence. It was so terrifying, so horrible. How could one sleep?

Remus supposed that the compromise was that they always screamed in their sleep.

And Remus had watched Sirius in the grip of a constant night terror, shrieking out in his sleep. Most of the time it was just mangled nonsense, but every now and again he had managed to hear actual words. No, not words. Names.

Peter!

Prongs!

Lily!

Harry!

Moony!

God!

Remus had been filled with such disdain for him then. It had consumed him even more than it usually had. It had overtaken him like fire and gasoline. Remus would have sworn under oath that even the Dementor guarding Sirius' cell had been rattled by it.

How dare Sirius call out to them now? How could he! He had betrayed Lily and James, the most beautiful people Sirius had ever had the privilege of knowing. He had stolen Harry's childhood, forcing him to be dropped off with normal relatives, completely ignorant of this world and who his parents were and what they had sacrificed for them. He had killed Peter in cold blood. Poor, innocent, weak Peter who had once gotten upset when they had killed a spider. And while he had not done Remus the worst disservice, Remus felt like it almost every day. Sirius, Padfoot had left him alone after years of finally having a family. Sirius had cast Remus into his own private hell.

And now he called out to God for mercy?

Remus had finally left, unable to stand it any longer. He would not kill Sirius. He would not go to that level. Thinking about it would soothe his ire, but he would never do it. And he couldn't listen to the man any longer. He couldn't bear the whimpering, pleading, screeching, begging screams of a condemned man.

Peter!

Prongs!

Lily!

Harry!

Moony!

God!

Remus had never once wondered why Sirius had called Peter by his given name instead of Wormtail. If he had thought about it, maybe he would have learned the truth sooner.

Ah, the ever elusive truth of what had really happened to Peter Pettigrew... In retrospect, it made so much sense that Remus had to laugh out loud to keep himself from screaming. For years, Remus had also wasted his life believing in one of the greatest lies ever told. And Remus knew that if he had ever stopped to think about it he probably would have stumbled upon the answer. He didn't even need to know about the Weasleys and their precious little rodent Scabbers. Based on character alone the way it had actually happened made much more sense than the way history told it.

Sirius was the epitome of what it meant to be a Gryffindor. He had been loyal through everything. His family had been members of the dark circles, but Sirius had proven himself to be above all that. He had accepted Remus' lycanthropy with a wink and a smile. He had been always been there when James needed to talk or get drunk, dropping everything no matter how important. He had appointed himself Lily's personal bodyguard while pregnant with Harry, taking time off of work in the last few months of her pregnancy. And he had saved Peter's skin more times that Remus could count on two hands.

But Peter had always been weak... Always scared. The Slytherins had frightened him into giving up secrets sometimes. Several pranks had been blown that way. He had always been sneaky, but while they had always been, Remus now saw that his brand had a sinister cast to it. Maybe he had been too young and naive to see it or maybe he had just shut his eyes, but this was not something colored by time. It had always been there. Peter had never been able to keep a secret short of spelling him to do so. And most importantly, Peter had faked his own death once before.

He had done it as a joke. He thought it would be funny.

One full moon, Moony had been feeling extra playful. Wormtail had gotten knocked around a little more than usual, thrown into the air and bitten at a few times. Nothing serious, and nothing too far beyond what normally went on. But apparently Peter had taken offense and dreamed up the perfect revenge. He didn't return with the others come sunrise.

All of their memories were a little hazy after a full moon, so they didn't remember what had happened to Peter... Beyond him being nipped at a few times. Remus had panicked. Had he actually eaten one of his best friends?

They didn't have time to think about it however, rushing Remus back to Hogwarts into the infirmary. Meanwhile, Peter had stolen back to the castle early and swiped James' Invisibility Cloak. He had actually stayed hidden for three days while I slept off the effects of the full moon.

Finally, Remus woke up and James and Sirius went to see him. They told him the horrible truth. Peter had not been home. They had searched the Forest. They had searched all over the castle. No sign of him.

It was one of the few times during his school years that he had cried in front of his friends.

Remus bawled, sobbed, wept. There were no words to describe it. Yes, he was terrified of what would be done to him once the Ministry found out that he had killed one of his best friend. He was going to be killed. There was no question about that. But mostly he was horrified with what he had done. He had killed before as the wolf. A chicken here, a stray dog there. He always felt guilty, but theoretically, he could rationalize it. But he couldn't do that with peter. He had murdered someone. A person. And not just any person, but Peter.

Just before Remus began contemplating throwing myself out the window, Peter appeared, blubbering like a child. He admitted the whole thing. He said that he had done it as a joke. He thought it would be funny.

The others didn't speak to him for months.

All of that overwhelming evidence and still, Remus thought it was Sirius because that was what everyone else said was true. After all of the conspiracy theories the group had come up with in their later Hogwarts years. Stuff like secret undercover government operations and Big Brother and whatever nonsense they dreamed up, Remus had taken his only friend's guilt at face value.

Maybe if James and Lily hadn't been involved, he would have investigated. Maybe if Peter hadn't been killed, Remus would have gotten real answers. But whatever the case, he did nothing and let Sirius rot... Left him there for twelve years before learning the truth. He wasted twelve years of his life and then bought a clock to remind him of it.

Remus suspected his subconscious had a taste for morbid humor.

But it made sense. Remember, seize the day. With the brevity of life and the abruptness of death, how could one not? How could one not without being wracked with guilt every waking moment, fleeting as those moments are? How could Remus not believe in those trite, impossible phrases after losing twelve years of his life?

Not without losing what humanity he had in him.

Just then, Sirius walked in, looking a little tired. As Remus had suspected, his friend had gotten carried away when it came to "putting Buckbeak away." He could not help but smile at the thought. It had been ages since the two had actually been together. He could hardly count the incident at the Shrieking Shack as much of a reunion. He didn't think that being thwarted by a thirteen year old in the killing of your old best friend counted as a proper hug-fest.

Remus glanced the clock out of the corner of his eye. Twelve years wasted hating. Twelve long, miserable, lonely years.

Before Sirius could get a word out (and judging by that all too familiar glint in his eyes, he had a lot to say) Remus popped out of his chair and threw his arms around the man, a wide grin on his face. He felt Sirius freeze for a moment, but soon he chuckled, returning the embrace.

"I knew you loved me," Sirius said smugly once they had parted. "The only question that remains is how much. Do you love me enough to feed me a cracker or a five course meal?"

Remus rolled his eyes, smiling that same old relaxed grin. "You never change do you? You'd always sell my soul for food."

"I would do no such thing!" Sirius cried, indignant. "Fire Whiskey is another story. Got any of that?"

Remus shook his head, casting a cloaking charm under his breath at the glass frame liquor cabinet behind Sirius. He knew if the wily Animagus got drunk, he'd rope Remus into it. Frankly, the former professor had no intention of having a hangover the next day. He enjoyed waking up feeling refreshed in the morning. Sirius was just going to have to do without. "I try not to touch the stuff anymore. I'm not as young as I used to be."

Sirius actually pouted.

"Oh, don't give me that look," Remus chastised, suppressing a laugh. "Come on, I'd better get you fed before you throw a temper tantrum..."

-----

Remus swiftly whipped up as big of a meal as his pantry and budget would allow him, having to swat Sirius' hand away from the goodies several times. That of course led to a rousing chorus of the resurrected "Mama Lupin" jokes, which led to a lot of threats to either bash Sirius' head in or withhold food. Remus only managed to get done by putting a Leg Locker Curse on Sirius and propping him up in the corner. This of course led to even more death threats and Remus torturing his friend by holding the food just out of reach. Eventually, Remus ended the good fun and removed the hex, ignoring Sirius' so-called deadly glare.

"That was not very nice, Moony," Sirius said indignantly, tossing his patched coat with a haughty air and taking his seat with all of the grace of an overweight wombat. "Not very nice at all."

Remus shrugged casually, taking a relatively small portion of the pasta for himself and setting the rest of the serving bowl in front of Sirius, who began eating out of it without question. "I had to save some of the food for myself. I am a growing werewolf after all."

Sirius paused in scarfing down the spaghetti for just a moment, narrowing his eyes a touch. "No, you're not. If anything you're a shrinking werewolf. You're thinner than the last time I saw you."

Remus paused in eating for a quarter of a second before continuing as if nothing had happened. He'd had a feeling that Sirius' sharp eyes would pick up on the weight loss, but he'd convinced himself that fifteen pounds wasn't that noticeable. He really should have known better than to mask himself in delusions. "It isn't that bad. They really spoiled me at Hogwarts you know. You remember. It's a regular feast every night. Besides, you know I can never keep weight on."

The darker man frowned, but apparently decided not to press the issue for now. He kept eating without another word for a few minutes, giving Remus a look between bites. Remus was about to whack him over the head with the serving spoon just for a change of pace when Sirius suddenly broke the silence. "Have you heard about what happened at Hogwarts?"

Remus frowned, knitting his graying brows together. He did not like Sirius' tone. "No, I haven't heard much of anything. I make it a habit not to read the "Daily Prophet" unless I want to be depressed. I don't often find that to be the case."

Sirius sighed slightly, shaking his head. "This news won't be found in any paper I'm afraid... You know how Mad-Eye was going to be your replacement because Dumbledore wanted a member of the Order?"

"Yes, I thought it was a rather good idea to use Alastor," Remus said, smirking slightly. "Though I imagine he was a bit of a shock after me."

Sirius snorted. "You have no idea. Especially since it wasn't Moody."

Remus choked on the water he was drinking. "What?" he coughed.

Then Sirius proceeded to relate everything that had happened that year. The rigging of the Tri-Wizard Tournament. The real identity of the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor and the real location of Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody. The death of an innocent student that Remus remembered well. Fudge being... well, Fudge.

The two sat in silence once the tale was done over an hour later. Remus could only imagine what Harry must have gone through... The gravity of the situation did weigh on him. Voldemort was back in every sense of the word. But Remus knew that there were enough people preying for him to choke on his own malice. How many people would there be to think of Harry who had watched a completely guiltless, uninvolved boy perish? And to think, it had been his blood to resurrect the Dark Lord... And it had been he who had fought for his life and survived only by a chance of fate, the Priori Incantatem. It was an unheard of coincidence that only served to complicate things even more.

But Harry... How would he deal with the guilt? The pain? The memory of Cedric Diggory? That night would weight on his conscience for the rest of his life even though the crimes were not his own.

Remus stole a glance at the brooding form of Sirius Black. Like Godfather, like Godson.

"Moony?" Sirius said after awhile. "You okay?"

Remus nodded mutely, taking another swallow of the lukewarm water. His throat burned and was hardly soothed by the liquid, but the human action gave him an odd sense of comfort. A tiny modicum of normalcy in all of this madness.

"How's Harry taking it?" Remus asked, almost dreading the answer.

Sirius sighed, leaning back in his chair. He wasn't hungry anymore. "I think he's in shock. When he told me the story... His voice was totally dead. Devoid of anything." Sirius grunted in frustration and kicked the table. "I wish I hadn't left him."

"You had to," Remus rationalized. "You had work to do for the Order, and I'm sure the Ministry was crawling out of the rafters. You would have been asking for trouble even if you had been Padfoot. The last thing Harry needs is for you to get the Dementor's Kiss on top of everything else."

Sirius snarled, resisting the urge to pace about like a caged animal. It would have been cliché. "How can you be so damn reasonable?"

"I'll go mad if I'm not," Remus said in a conversational tone, but Sirius could see the look in his eyes. If he didn't play the part of the placating friend, he probably would go insane.

The no longer happy go lucky fugitive ran a hand through his tangled, matted hair. This was not the reunion he had been hoping for, but what else could it have been in times like these? They couldn't exactly go gallivanting around the town and picking up girls anymore. Although it was a promising way to spend an evening, he doubted that Buckbeak would impress any set of legs that he cared to associate with.

"Did you know him?" Sirius asked softly, never feeling the need to clarify who the 'him' was.

Remus nodded, taking another swig of the tasteless, unappetizing water. "Yes, I taught him last year... Cedric Diggory was the Seeker for the Hufflepuff house, and he was going to be Captain last I spoke to him. I don't doubt he made it. He was quite good. And if memory serves he was a Prefect as well. He always did well in my class. Perhaps he wasn't exceptionally bright, but he worked hard. The Sorting Hat did its job...

"I wish I could remember more than that, but I can't. That says almost nothing about who he was... I just told you what he was. The only things I knew about him were what everyone knew about him and what being a Hufflepuff entails. I couldn't tell you his hopes, dreams, feelings, values, or anything of real worth. And now he's dead, and I'll never be sure."

Remus glanced at the clock. Twelve wasted years.

He got up from his seat, walking over to the glass liquor cabinet that Sirius had not noticed until just then. Remus removed the Cloaking Charm and reached in, grabbing two bottles of Fire Whiskey. Before Sirius could remark on Remus lying to him, Remus cut him off.

"What do you say we get smashed for old time's sake?"

Sirius paused and nodded, adding, "And for what's to come."

Remus didn't bother to fish out any glasses, tossing the bottle at Sirius with surprising weight behind it given his small frame. The scraggly haired convict caught it with ease, remembering the unnatural strength that was trapped within the all too human body. They opened the bottle in one fluid motion and brought them up for a toast.

"To Cedric Diggory," Remus said reverently, feeling this was the best he or anyone else could do for the boy anymore. "A boy who was never meant to get mixed up into all of this mess."

"And to Harry," Sirius said, his bright blue eyes growing somber as he stared at the red gold liquid in his hand. "A boy who deserved a lot better than what he was given."

The two men clanked bottles together and took a long swig of the warm whiskey, all too happy to forget the horrors they had witnessed and the ones they had not been there for.

-----

A few hours later...

"She had a bat in her belfry and mud in her eye!" Sirius sang loudly, waving an empty bottle about, singing some nonsense song that he was making up on the spot. He and Remus looked like quite the pair as the smaller man attempted to drag the obnoxious drunkard back to his bed. Normally, Remus would have been able to sling the heavier man over his back and dance a jig, but considering the scholar was less than in control of his faculties at the moment, that wasn't possible. So he was forced to shoulder Sirius' weight, which somehow seemed to triple whenever they got schnockered.

"I love the taste of her sweet cherry pie!"

Remus paused to wonder whether or not the double entendre had been intentional. He started walking when he remembered that every time Sirius said a double entendre, sober or no, it was intentional.

"Oh gosh, oh golly gee, g'bye!"

Remus snorted. "You alwaysh were a remarkamable lyricistist,Padfoot," he slurred. He wasn't sure why, but somehow that hadn't sounded right. Perhaps his sarcastic voice really did sound too much like his regular voice.

"My cock's so big it pokes me in the--"

"Padfoot!" Remus shouted, nearly dropping the singing man on the floor. Whether or not that was intentional would be analyzed at a later date. "Why ish it... That every single solitary single time you make up a shong... You alwaysh brag about how well endowdened you are? Hmm?"

Sirius looked at him as if why he had asked why Snape disliked being called Snivellus. After all, it was a lot nicer than some of the things they had called him over the years. "Well, Moony... What else is there to sing about? Your package ain't much to sit up and take notice of. Hell, it rarely sits up and take notice, and it's slow to get up. Must have arthritis or something... Makes sense for Old Man Moony."

This time Remus really did drop him, but only because they had reached the bedroom.

"What's this?" Sirius said, confused. Then he gave Remus a sly grin and said, "Moony... Are you trying to seduce me?"

Remus would have rolled his eyes, but the room was spinning enough.

"Cause if you are, you're doing a rotten job of it."

Remus decided that that was as good a cue as any to leave. He bid Sirius a mangled good night and turned off the lights manually to avoid a torrential rain of frogs breaking out in his home. He hadn't enjoyed cleaning that up last time and he doubted very much that his opinion would change.

The prematurely aged professor then staggered back to his small living area, fumbling his way toward the couch. The trip proved surprisingly easy as he only ran into one doorway and stubbed his toe twice. He then fell onto the couch, wincing as it creaked loudly to accommodate his weight. Remus didn't dare shift until he was sure that it wouldn't collapse. It had a tendency to do that at the most inopportune times, including once when he had dared to bring a female friend over.

It wasn't something that happened often... As a matter of fact, he could only recall to or three times when he had stumbled upon women who were interested in the bookish type. Most one night stands were given to the roguish bad boys... Otherwise known as Sirius Black wanna-bes. Still, Remus clearly remembered the giggling red head who had pushed him onto the couch, following soon after with little ceremony... And the couch promptly collapsing. That had proved most inconvenient and a bit of a mood breaker...

Remus snickered into the darkness as he pulled the home made, tattered throw over his alcohol warmed body. It had still been a good time.

And so Remus Lupin fell asleep with a rather smug, triumphant smile on his face and the memory of a feisty barmaid on his mind.

-----

Remus was back inside the Shrieking Shack, a building he hadn't seen and rarely thought of in a little over a year. He wasn't entirely sure what he was doing there, but the fact still remained that he was now standing in the middle of the crumbling, not-so-haunted house.

No, wait. He wasn't standing. Not anymore at least. He was currently being pushed over by a very spunky barmaid with fire ruby hair for the purposes of being ravished into oblivion on the dusty floor.

He couldn't say that he was at all adverse to the idea, but he did wish that it was a more romantic setting.

Still, he wasn't one to complain. Remus was perfectly content, or rather very excited, about continuing the tryst with the lithe woman. They had proved quite compatible last time after all. Remus growled softly as he rolled over on top of her, behaving more like the playful pup than Old Man Moony. He kissed her thoroughly, eliciting a number of soft moans on her part. He hadn't needed to coax her mouth open to begin with, and now he was having a fine time exploring every inch of her delicious, sugary mouth. She nipped at his lips in between kisses, but he never returned the gesture. He wanted her howling after a time, but not quite in that manner.

Remus let his hands wander where they pleased, grinning into her lips from the gasps and giggles she elicited. He pushed up her shirt ever so slightly, baring her midriff. He ran fingers over the creamy skin, reveling in the scent of a woman, something that he experienced so infrequently. He let out a soft moan of his own as her hands traveled up and down his back, coming to rest on his buttocks. She gave it a squeeze, and he was more than happy to return that gesture.

After a time of playful foreplay, he decided to get down to business. His hands meandered down to her pants, but he let them hover there. He was suddenly driven to remove his mouth from hers and travel down... Across her jaw line down to her neck. Her gasps and heavy breathing were no longer muffled as her arms fell limp to her sides, useless under his care. He continued kissing the pale, exposed flesh of her neck, paying careful attention to her throat and Adam's Apple.

Remus stopped then, his eyes flying open. Her Adam's Apple?

He then took a good, long look at the redhead beneath him... Who no longer had red hair. Now she had midnight dark hair, blue eyes that should have been laughing but were oddly somber, rough stubble from about three days that would have scraped his face but Remus would have gladly endured the pain for the pleasure, and a mouth that was bruised from his ministrations and turned downwards instead of the usual endearing, lopsided grin.

Remus yelped in horror as he leapt off of his best friend, spitting for good measure. He couldn't believe that this had happened. Again.

"Padfoot!" Remus shouted, showing an uncharacteristic amount of frustration and irritation with the man. "I told you to stop drinking Polyjuice to pretend to be girls! That wasn't funny the first time, and it isn't funny now!"

The man continued spitting and wiping his mouth, but stopped short at gagging. He wasn't that dramatic. Sirius was another story...

Sirius who wasn't laughing or rolling around on the ground clutching his sides and gasping or pointing his eyes shut and face tilted towards the sky. Sirius was just sitting there. He was just looking at him.

And the look in his eyes killed whatever joy Remus had.

"Padfoot?" Remus said gently, getting to his feet. He extended a hand and walked forward slowly, unsure of how to react. He didn't know what to think. He didn't even know if he should be worried. "Sirius?"

"It's my fault."

Remus froze, stiffening instantly. He didn't have to ask what the man was talking about. The two of them had never had time to discuss this, but Remus knew Sirius too well not to suspect, or rather be certain of, his feelings on certain painful subjects.

He drew his hand back like Sirius had suddenly morphed into a viper ready to strike. The words hurt like someone had just shoved burning metal spikes into his ears. Though not an insult, it wounded him. The all too expected sound of Sirius blaming himself for what was beyond his control stung more than any affront to his character or fist could have.

"No," Remus said gravely. "It isn't."

"It's my fault," Sirius repeated, his eyes staring ahead at nothing and his voice dead.

Remus could hardly stand it though he had only heard it twice. It was twice too many. "No. Sirius, you can't do this to yourself."

"It's my fault."

"Sirius!" Remus hissed, walking forward and grasping Sirius by the shoulders. Before he knew what he was doing, Remus had yanked the man on the floor to his feet. He shook him for good measure, causing his ebony stained hair to fly around his face like dust being disturbed in the attic. "Don't say that! Don't you ever say that! Don't tell these lies to yourself! It will kill you! Sirius!"

"It's my fault."

But this time it wasn't Sirius talking. Remus' heart broke as he heard the younger voice of a boy who wasn't quite to be a man from behind him. A boy who was not a man and had no business being one even though he had face the terrors of all of hell. That was something most men did not even think of much less actually experience.

Not letting go of Sirius, Remus craned his head to see none other than Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived-Twice, standing in the doorway. His expression, tone and posture mimicked that of his beloved godfather. Remus would have thought them twins had Harry not so resembled his blood father.

"Harry..." Remus said, unsure of what to do about the two of them. He looked back at the man he was holding, and knew that there was little to no choice in the matter. He gave a sigh of defeat, reluctantly releasing Sirius for the time being.

Harry needed him too. Maybe more than Sirius. After all, Sirius had been a prisoner in Azkaban and in his own self-made dungeon for nearly fifteen years. Perhaps he was beyond help. But Harry hadn't had so long to wallow in his own unnecessary guilt. There was more hope for Harry.

It killed Remus to think like that, but he had to logical. He had to be or he'd go crazy.

"Harry, listen to me," Remus said as he genuflected before the boy who looked so much like James. Some said too much like James into their saturated handkerchiefs. Remus did his best not to think like that about the jaded child.

He placed his hands on Harry's shoulders, a fatherly gesture. Remus could not stop the wave of his own guilt wash over him in that moment. He had no right to take Prongs' place... But someone had to do it if Sirius couldn't help him. And there was no way that Sirius could say anything in this matter without being a hypocrite or cruel.

"It was not your fault. Blame Voldemort. Blame Peter. Blame fate, but never blame yourself."

"It's my fault."

Remus turned away. It was all he could do not to wail at the injustice. Lily's eyes should never look so lifeless in one so full of promise. It was like they were dying all over again.

"No... It isn't Harry. It happened too quickly. You couldn't have done anything."

"It's my fault."

Remus turned. Sirius was talking again. "Padfoot... Stop this. Please. Help your godson. You are not responsible for a crime you didn't commit. Peter turned on them. You stayed loyal to the end. You did everything you could."

"It's my fault."

Harry now. Like Godfather, like Godson. And Remus was left to heal them both, but he couldn't do anything for them. They weren't listening. He was helpless against their own words.

"No," Remus repeated, knowing it was useless. "It was beyond your control. Both of you. There was nothing either of you could do to prevent what happened."

"It's my fault."

They were both talking together now, speaking in perfect, eerie unison. Remus flinched. They echoed off of the empty walls inside the shack. It sounded so loud all of a sudden. But then everything sounded louder to the wolf.

"Stop this..." Remus pleaded, squeezing his eyes shut. He couldn't bear to look at them anymore.

"It's my fault."

Remus covered his ears in a desperate attempt to block out the sound. They were getting louder, like shouting without raising their voices. It hurt. It scorched. It hurt him so much.

"It's my fault."

Remus screwed up his face in pain and crawled away, moving as fast as he could without removing his fists from his ears. They were so loud... He wanted to rip his ears off to spare himself.

He couldn't save them. No matter what he did, he wasn't going to be able to save them. Not from themselves and maybe not from anything else.

"It's my fault."

Remus screamed. It was so loud that he swore his throat started bleeding. But he had to do it. He had to block out the sound. He would do anything to stop listening to it.

"It's my fault."

"NO!"

-----

"NO!"

Remus sat straight up on the couch like something had just been shoved up his spine. He looked around the room, quickly coming back to himself by listening to the creaky old sofa and the ticking of his reminder. He was breathing hard, covered in sweat and deeply shaken. The dream had disturbed him as all of his dreams did. It left him feeling afraid and uneasy, but also confused...

He hadn't been the one who screamed 'no.' Who else had been there?

It was then that Remus heard another anguished scream coming from the bedroom. He was on his feet in a second, any hint of having ever been at all intoxicated conspicuously absent. Without so much as an utterance to confirm where the shouts were coming from, Remus took off running, narrowly avoiding plowing into the doorframe again. He could see as well in the dark as he could in the light, but he was so panicked from the screams and so bothered from his nightmare that it was almost too much to think straight.

He flipped on the light switch before he even got into the room. Remus felt his heart break yet again when his eyes focused to the light. He had to battle the urge to turn it off once he saw Sirius on the bed.

Sirius had long since kicked off the sheets while in the grips of this nightmare. He was writhing around on the bed as if desperately trying to escape something that was chasing him... or get to something that was out of reach... or just to do something because total inactivity would have made him explode. His face was contorted into an expression that not even high verbal Remus could describe... It was beyond agony, anguish, sorrow. It was so tortured that it gave Remus pause.

He knew that whatever Sirius was seeing must have been a hundred thousand times worse than the sight of Sirius in the grip of the night terror. But right now, Remus could think of nothing more horrific to have to gaze upon.

Finally, after what felt like hours if it had been seconds, Remus sprang forward to the bed. Without thinking, he took a hold of Sirius immediately, but he did not shake him. Instead, he embraced him for the second time that day rather than traumatize him any further. Remus couldn't remember the last time he had held anyone so tightly without the express purpose of strangling the person. But now Remus could see no other option to halt Sirius' thrashing or let him know that he wasn't alone. Remus knew that the knowledge of having someone there to chase away the nightmares or make fun of or get fall down drunk with was worth more than all of the gold in the universe.

After a few moments, Sirius seemed to relax in his sleep, and woke up gasping. He didn't need an explanation for what was happening. Sirius simply grabbed on to Remus and held him even so tightly that it rivaled Remus' grasp. Remus tried to relax his grip now that his friend was awake, but that just made Sirius cling to him in a more pronounced desperation. He couldn't help but see Sirius as a child clutching his mother after becoming quite convinced that there was in fact a monster under the bed. Remus quickly chased the image away. He knew that Sirius' mother had done no such thing. This was probably the first time Sirius had ever been comforted after being caught in the claws of a nightmare.

There was a monster in the room, but it wasn't under the bed. Ironically, it was the only thing there to hold Sirius.

Sirius took a long, shuddering breath, burying his face into Remus' shoulder. He didn't cry of course. Sirius Black had made it a policy long ago to never let his night visions make him cry. He wasn't going to let them break him. But he was finding it harder and harder to keep that promise.

"Padfoot?" Remus whispered softly, never letting go of the man in his arms. "Are you--"

"Don't leave me, Moony," Sirius said desperately, his voice that of a drowning man. "Don't you dare leave me."

Remus answered without letting so much as a millisecond pass in silence. "No. I'm not going to leave you, Sirius."

Sirius didn't respond. Remus didn't dare try and stir up a conversation. Remus just kept holding on to Sirius until he fell asleep... And even then he didn't let go.

"I'll never leave you, Sirius."

Coming Soon: Part Three: Hold on to Yourself