To Live Within You

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Hello my friend, we meet again It's been awhile, where should we begin? Feels like forever Within my heart a memory A perfect love that you gave to me Oh, I remember

When you are with me I'm free I'm careless, I believe Above all the others we'll fly This brings tears to my eyes My sacrifice

We've seen our share of ups and downs Oh how quickly life can turn around In an instant It feels so good to realize What's in yourself and within your mind Let's find peace there

I just want to say hello again...

        -- "My Sacrifice" by Creed

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"Lie low at Lupin's for awhile..."

That's what "The Man", as Sirius privately referred to the Headmaster of Hogwarts as, had said to him so short a time ago. It was a simple enough instruction, preceded by a request to inform alert the old crowd, the Order of the Phoenix. He had mentioned Arabella Figg and Mundungus Fletcher, two members that had been watching over Harry for the past thirteen years or so. After alerting them, he would wait at Dumbledore's for further instruction. And he would wait at the home of his best friend, Remus J. Lupin.

His duties, up to this point at least, had been rather simple and even enjoyable in their own way. The urgency of the mission and the weight of the news he carried bore heavily on him, particularly because of his godson's direct involvement in it, but he allowed himself some happiness. Besides, spending time with old friends did distract him from worrying about the boy... The death of Cedric Diggory had been more than traumatic for Harry. And then there was the memory of Harry's tale... 'The traitor' laying his hands on him, taking Harry's blood... The taunting... The return of the Death Eaters... Prior Incantatem...

No. No, he wouldn't think about that. He couldn't think about that.

Visiting Arabella and Mundungus had been pleasant overall. They were nice people and Sirius had always been fond of them. Arabella was a kindly old woman who took delight in worrying over others above all other things... It was probably second only to her unnatural affection for cats. Sirius had been able to spare her a smile as he found her, a Squib, fretting over him like he was a nine year old boy who'd scraped his knee the moment he had walked in the door. She had immediately sat him down on the couch and surveyed him for a few seconds. Then she had promptly pronounced him in desperate need of a long, hot shower, a feast fit for ten kings, and a bed for the night. She had practically had to place a Leg Locker Curse on him so that he couldn't leave.

Practically because upon receiving her offers for a safe haven, rat free and with an actual bed, Sirius had refused only once, driven by a dim memory of social propriety his mother had hammered into him at a young age. Old habits die hard even if he did hate his mother with ardor. After she had insisted but once more, he had heartily accepted the invitation and somehow managed to keep himself from hugging the woman to death.

The one and only drawback about his stay had been the fact that Arabella had a rather insane obsession with felines and had well over fifty of them living with her. And, being a dog Animagus, he was inclined to loathe cats. Waking up literally surrounded by them, one of them atop his head, sleeping and purring away without a care in the world had been a most distressing experience.

Though that was not the reason he had fled so quickly...

After the brief respite at Arabella's, Sirius had begun to seek out the notorious Mundungus Fletcher, a wizard with a decidedly seedy reputation. So called "respectable" wizards and witches of their world despised him, but the underground loved him. He was crooked and a bit shady, but by no means evil or hell bent on world destruction or domination. He was a small time thief, con artist, as well as a plethora of other things that could be labeled as undesirable by most. But he had a heart of gold and a congenial nature.

Upon finding Mundungus (which had been no easy task), the man had clapped him on the back several times in an almost fatherly gesture and had then proceeded to treat Sirius to some of the best Fire Whiskey he had had in well over a decade. The best in his life as a matter of fact.

He had always liked Mundungus.

However, these were only the bright spots in his visits. There was a very dark and disturbing reason for his seeing them, and both parties had quickly deduced that he was there on business. Apparently, Dumbledore had been good enough to alert "the old crowd" that he was innocent upon finding out the year before, so he had not had to deal with that explanation. Sirius suspected that the Headmaster would have sent messages by owl post in this matter as he had done before, but with Voldemort back in power and the Ministry against him, it would have been a very unwise move. And Dumbledore was nothing if not very wise.

Telling the two of them had been one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do... Telling anyone that after thirteen years of living in peace without the threat of death, war, and impending doom hanging over them that the threat was back was very difficult indeed. He knew that he was essentially ripping out their foundations that they had so carefully rebuilt after the first battle against the darkness. They had felt safe over the past few years. The Death Eaters could not rise without their precious master. And he was dead or at least too weak to fight back. But now, somehow and some way, he had returned. And Sirius had to tell them. And with offering that knowledge he allowed an unseen question hang in the air that he dared not speak. It was a query that was never asked but always answered in some way or another. A question the brave answered in a heartbeat, the cautious answered with trepidation, the terrified trembled while gesturing slowly and the foul scoffed at faster than the brave could speak.

Are you willing to die to protect our world?

Mundungus had gone quite white when Sirius told him the news, not speaking for a few minutes. Then he had drained the rest of his whiskey in one gulp and ordered another. And before he became too drunk to think straight, he had said four words that sealed his fate.

"What can I do?"

Sirius had explained everything as best as he could, but he realized then and now that it had been useless. Mundungus had gotten incredibly smashed. If he remembered a word Sirius had said, he'd eat Buckbeak. He couldn't blame the man of course... Any man was inclined to get very drunk indeed knowing that his fate probably consisted of suicide missions, torture, and the dreaded Killing Curse.

Arabella had a very different reaction... She was not the type to drink away her problems nor was she the type who would have alerted Sirius to the fact that something was very, very wrong. The moment the words left his mouth, she froze. She too stared at him for a moment, but only a brief one. Then she had gone right back to fretting over him like the old woman that she was and bustled him into the bathroom with instructions on how the taps worked, where the towels were, and whipping up some clean robes for him to wear. When he had emerged forty five minutes later, he had found her sobbing over the kitchen stove. She didn't know he'd seen her.

That was how it had been in the old days... Some would drink away their fears. Others would busy themselves with something else and push others away then go to cry in closets or around the corner hoping no one would see or hear them. Drink away the pain. Avoid the pain. Don't let others know you feel it. Always be strong. Never show any weakness, even to your allies because they could turn on you any day. Try not to think about it and it won't come true. Drown out the mind numbing fears and nightmares, and they can't touch you. Don't let anything touch you. You can stop the pain if you will it all away.

But Sirius knew better know. The others could out run the aches of the past, present, and future all they liked. It would always catch up with them in the end.

Besides, it was different from him. The hurt was forever within him. It had been borne in him, ripping apart his insides and burning his skin a long time ago. It had nearly driven him mad within the cold, grey walls he had been trapped in for so long... He thought that by escaping those walls he would also escape the agony of them. But he had not. The torment did not lie within in the walls but within him. And he could never escape something that was inside of him. He could never escape the prison, Azkaban.

A terrible shudder rippled through Sirius as the thought of that word ran through his mind. Funny how people would react like that upon hearing the name Voldemort, yet Sirius could easily say his name without trepidation. It was the cage or stone, steel, and screams that chilled him past the bones and left him forever haunted.

And not even the best of friends could chase those ghosts away.

Sirius was on his way to Remus's, no Moony's, house at that very moment. And despite the black memories and the cold blood that pumped through his veins at the thought of his last twelve years, he could not help but smile at that thought, even if it did not fully reach his eyes.

The man was predictably located in the remote British countryside, near a forest of course. It had been information obtained from Mundungus for he had realized some time after leaving Hogwarts that he hadn't the faintest clue where Remus was. Of course, he still didn't know the precise location, but the old crook had assured him that Remus would be expecting him.

"He'll find some way to hail you down," the little man had said before knocking back another drink, an odd twinkle in his eye.

That twinkle had rather unsettled Sirius at the time... It was odd for the old man to get a look like that in his eye unless he was up to something. And now that Sirius thought of it, his choice of words had been very odd. They had sort of a Muggle-esque tone about them. Hail him down?

Sirius was just about to let himself get very worried about just what the codger had been up to, when Buckbeak began squawking loud enough to wake the dead and rearing back, threatening to make Sirius lose total control. The man atop the hippogriff made a few loud noises of his own, but they contained far more creativity and imagery than Buckbeak could have mustered. When he finally got in control of himself and Buckbeak, he set about to figuring out just what had made the thing go crazy in the first place. And upon figuring it out, he swore a little more, thought not nearly as angered or clever as before.

Just before the rag tag pair of fugitives sat a series of sparkling green lights, no doubt made by sparks from a certain wand in particular. And these lights formed an arrow pointing downward as well as a sentence that Sirius was currently debating whether or not he should laugh, scoff, or continue to swear at. Eventually, he decided to combine the three.

MOONY'S SECRET HIDEOUT LOCATED HERE

"To kick his ass, or not to kiss his ass...?" Sirius pondered aloud, chuckling at his friend's handy work. He now fully understood the odd sparkle that had been in the con man's eyes and now he held it himself, more amused than annoyed. "My, my what a question..."

And at that precise moment, the sparks twinkled for just a minute before reforming, making new words and shapes. This time the sentence was accompanied by nothing more than cloud and air, but Sirius still could not keep himself from laughing aloud in response. Buckbeak of course was quite indignant about the entire ordeal, as he did not like it when his dignity was called into question, so he just turned his nose up at the words before him and the rider on his back who was swiftly giving himself stitches.

IF YOU KICK MY ASS, I REFUSE TO FEED YOU

Sirius decided that he had better land before Remus really started to get impatient with him. But it was a long way down, so he had plenty of time to partake in his own jocularity as well as reminisce about the good old days.

He couldn't believe he had just thought that... He really was getting old.

He somehow managed to contain the tremor of revulsion that threatened to rip through his body at that particularly disgusting thought. He just kept right on focusing on the past. And pretend that it was his very recent past. Why, it felt like it had been just yesterday, so of course it really hadn't been that long ago! That's what he'd keep telling himself.

Remus had never been much of a prankster compared to Sirius. At least he didn't have the typical mentality and personality. Sirius did have it. He was impulsive, rash, outgoing, and he thought on his feet rather than before he started to run. Remus was quite possibly his antithesis in those regards. He was cautious, reserved, quiet, and had a tendency to make lists that would plot out his entire day. They were usually quite amusing.

9:00- Double Potions with the Slytherins 9:01- Somehow manage to keep Snape and Sirius from killing each other on sight 9:32- Keep the professor from realizing James put the dung bomb in Snape's cauldron 9:47- Save [insert name in place of expletive] from certain doom at Malfoy's hands when he does something annoying and/or stupid 10:00- Thank God it's over and remind myself why I put up with them 10:01- Indulge in friendly banter 10:15- Watch Sirius proceed to beat Snape up yet again 10:29- Escape another detention to endure punishment another day

The scary thing was he was usually right about what happened.

But still, that lack of jester mentality was probably what made him the best of the bunch in a way. He was the least suspected. The most unlikely. The one with the innocent face and a personality that meant he could never do anything wrong.

It was brilliant in its own simplicity.

'The bastard's' plans, for Sirius refused to so much as even think his name now, usually failed or never came to fruition. He had some rather good ones in his day, but there was always some fatal flaw that he managed to overlook. Or he was too scared in the end to go through with it. The latter happened more frequently than the former. Though even Sirius had to admit, he had his successes.

James, on his own, only pulled small stuff that he didn't bother to plan out. If Snape did something annoying in class, like answer a question that clearly should have been answered by one of them, he would take a dung bomb and throw it down his shirt. Or he'd charm his ink well to spill all over his homework. Or he'd put glue on his seat before he sat down in the Great Hall. It would often cause James to break down in hysterical laughter at his own supposed cleverness, and Sirius would get a good chuckle out of it as well. After all, seeing Snivellus in such a state was rather amusing...

But Padfoot, otherwise known as Sirius Black, was a scheming master. His plots were elaborate and they always had a flair for the dramatic. They had their own special twists and were unlike anything Hogwarts had ever seen before. They were the stuff of legend. And he wasn't being conceited when he thought this. It was as true as the little known fact that Sirius Black had also invented sex sometime in his second year.

He often teamed up with James for the daily stuff, but a lot of Sirius's plans were full fledged conspiracies in which they needed the other half of the Marauders to do more than offer them an air tight alibi. These were the best and most remembered of his plans when he had to get all four of them actively involved in the plot.

The one that came to Sirius' mind just then was when the Gryffindor Golden Boys, as the Slytherins tended to call them, decided to do their own "unique" brand of Halloween decorating. On the Eve before the big day, the Marauders had gone out at night and hung some very special and entertaining poster size photos... Namely of one Lucius Malfoy, clad in a pink tutu snogging none other than their nearest and dearest enemy, Severus Snape, who if Sirius remembered correctly was dressed up as a wombat. Or was it a woodchuck? Maybe a walrus... Oh well, it was something with a 'w'. It had literally taken the group weeks to get the pictures to look just right, but it had been more than worth it. The looks on the aforementioned Slytherins' faces were the best reward anyone could have given them.

Moony had been quintessential in that prank as a matter of fact. He was a careful person by nature, and with good reason. He would always refuse to take part in any scheme unless it was foolproof and there was no chance in it going wrong. So Remus would go over the plan again and again to make sure that nothing would happen so that he would not get caught. And not only had he done that, but he had been alert enough to throw James's Invisibility Cloak over his three friends after they had fallen asleep under one of the incriminating photos.

Remus of course had saved his skin by clucking his tongue and acting all Prefecty while standing in front of the slowly awakening Marauders to ensure that no one would accidentally stumble over them.

Still, Sirius thought as he continued to draw closer to the ground, his friend had never been a stick in the mud by any means. He had a habit of coming up with a master plan of his own every few months or so. But unlike Sirius, he would carry it out all on his own and even manage to pull the wool over the eyes of his closest friends if he wanted to. One of Remus's best had taken place in their fourth year when he had somehow managed to incite a practical joke war between all four of the Quidditch teams. He planned them so that Gryffindor would recognize the handiwork as something a Slytherin would think of. Ravenclaw thought that Gryffindor was attacking them for some reason. Hufflepuff felt that Slytherin was trying to get under their skin. And perhaps the greatest personal insult of all, Slytherin thought that they had been bested by Hufflepuff. Four tiny pranks were all it took to incite a war that had lasted the whole year long. They fought against each other and endured countless numbers of detentions all the while never knowing that they were the brunt of the joke.

Remus had gotten a very good laugh out of that one.

Sirius reached the ground at long last with a wide, lopsided grin stretching across his gaunt face. It only got larger when he saw his best friend standing in front of a rather large pile of rocks while tapping his foot impatiently. He too had a smile on his face, though it was more subdued than his counterpart's as it had always been. The man atop the flying hybrid quickly reined him in and dismounted with unnecessary flourish. He didn't notice that Buckbeak was eyeing Remus nervously for he was far too busy folding his arms across his chest and raising up one eyebrow to annoy his friend (Remus had never managed to get the muscle control to raise just one). He shook his head in disbelief and said, "Would you really withhold food from a weak and starving man on the run? Me? Your best friend in the whole wide world?"

Remus shrugged and gestured up at his face without the theatrical, sweeping motions that Sirius had a tendency to use. "Is this the face of a liar?"

"Yes actually."

"Oh. Well, I suppose not then."

Sirius threw his head back and laughed again, all of the feigned tension slipping away like water. He moved forward to embrace the man once more like a brother, when Buckbeak let out another terrified screech. His eyes went wild and he reared up, almost causing Sirius to drop the rope. Sirius was clueless as to why he was suddenly acting like this, but Remus seemed to have a fairly good idea. He held up his hands in a submissive manner and backed away from the two of them, pausing only to bow. This normally would have placated the hippogriff for the time being, but it did nothing to calm him down now.

"Er... Padfoot..." Remus began cautiously, trying not to blink too much.

"Sweet mother of Merlin, Beaky!" Sirius yelled as he yanked a little on the hippogriff's rope to keep him from leaping up again. He then set about to petting the beast, calming him down. "I don't know why you're so upset... It's only Moony." He looked back at his friend sheepishly, though not embarrassed enough to blush, for Sirius Black never did anything like that. "Sorry about that. I don't know what's gotten into him. Granted he doesn't trust people easy, but he's never done anything like this before." He once again tried to take a step forward, but this only served to aggravate Sirius's flying companion once more. He let out a low growl in the back of throat and snapped his beak at Remus, causing him to jump back to avoid getting an injury like Draco Malfoy. "Beaky! Stop that!"

"Sirius..." Remus began quietly, suddenly looking a few years older than he had been just a few moments before. "You just called me Moony."

The fugitive raised another eyebrow in response to this very odd statement. "Keen observation. I knew there was a reason we called you the Smart One."

"Cute," Remus said in a tone that made it clear that "cute" was the last thing he meant when he offered up his opinion about that remark. "Do you remember why you call me that?"

"Uh Remus... Do you realize that you're making no sense whatsoever? Of course I know why I call you Moony. It was my idea."

A mirthless, bittersweet smile was playing on Remus's lips now, and he turned away slightly so Sirius viewed his profile. "Actually, I think it was Prongs's idea..."

Sirius flinched visibly. He noticed that Moony needed a moment after saying that as well. He doubted the two of them would ever be able to talk about James or Lily without a brief moment of awkward... or perhaps reverent silence.

"Padfoot..." Remus began again quietly, looking highly uncomfortable with discussing this. "I'm a werewolf."

"Did we not cover this when we were twelve?"

Remus's eyes flashed for a minute. Not with anger, but with something else entirely. And for a moment, Sirius realized why he had been so successful with his brief stint as a teacher. His expression was akin to those that McGonagall had given them so many times all those years ago.

"Don't," he said sternly, in a tone that made Sirius decide that it was time to end all of the remarks from the Peanut Gallery.

Remus's expression softened a little, but not much. He still looked very grim and acted like he would much rather be discussing just about anything else. Still, he shook his head and continued, saying, "Do you remember when the Order used to hold meetings at Arabella's old home because it was Unplottable? Before she moved... Do you remember the first time we went there when we didn't know about her... furry friends?"

Ah yes, Sirius remembered that quite well... Remus and he had arrived at Arabella's about fifteen minutes ahead of schedule. James had wanted to talk about something before the meeting... Sirius couldn't remember what it was now. It had been something important, but he couldn't recall... He wished he could.

Sirius again told himself that he shouldn't be thinking about that.

They had arrived at the house to find the entire place literally crawling with cats. A number of them had immediately gone up to Sirius as animals had always been drawn to him, even before he became an Animagus. Sirius of course was disgusted because again, he hated cats with a passion. The only cat he didn't hate was Crookshanks. His redeeming quality had been his unnatural intelligence as well as the fact that he had righteously tried to kill 'the son of a bitch'.

When all other attempts to pry the revolting felines off of him had failed, he had turned to Remus for help. Sirius wasn't entirely sure what his friend could do, but he figured it was worth a shot since Arabella was being no help as she sat back taking pictures of the entire incident and giggling about how "positively adorable" he looked at that moment. The other man had tried to protest for some reason, but eventually Sirius's puppy dog eyes had broken him. So with a long suffering look in his eyes, all he had done was clear his throat.

Sirius had never seen a room clear faster.

"I still fail to see your point."

Remus suddenly looked as if beating himself about the head with a silver crowbar would have been more enjoyable than this. "Animals are scared of me, Padfoot," he said in a rather irritated tone of voice, as if this were a sore spot with him. "They can smell the... wolf in me."

Sirius didn't realize it, but wolf had not been the original world Remus intended for that statement.

"Oh..." Sirius said quietly, feeling very idiotic at that moment. He shifted from one foot to the other uncomfortably, taking a great interest in the ground beneath him. He ran a hand through his hair, something he always did when he was nervous, but now it got caught in one of the fresh tangles in his waist length hair. He let out a quiet cry of frustration, and then looked back at Remus, desperately asking for absolution with his gaze. "Moony... I..."

Remus smiled kindly and that alone made his companion feel much better about the incident. "It's okay, Padfoot. Really. I did know you were bringing him and..." He paused, looking very wistful all of a sudden. "It's been awhile."

For once in his life, Sirius could think of nothing to say.