All Kidding Aside

Remus Lupin had the very unpleasant experience of being awoken by Sirius Black on the morning of Saturday, February 26, 1977, a day that neither of them would ever forget.

He smelled Sirius before he actually heard him. He smelled fresh, probably having just stepped out of the shower. He was already wearing cologne, as he always did in order to try and cover up the faint canine odor that seemed to follow him no matter how many times he washed. Of course, Sirius and Remus were really the only ones to notice this, but it did nothing to change his actions. And if it were possibly to smell evil glee (and perhaps it was), Remus would have choked on it.

"Wakey, wakey..." Sirius sang out in a sugary-sweet falsetto. "It is time to get your sorry arse out of bed so that you may step into the annals of history."

Remus dared to open one eye, glancing up at the face of his best mate (a mutual title he was still having a little trouble reconciling himself with, having associated it with Sirius and James for the past six and a half years of his life). He muttered something reproachfully, repeating it before Sirius asked him to because he knew that he hadn't articulated it well. "Sirius, we're not launching an attack on France. It's a prank."

"It's a bloody brilliant prank that shall be heralded as the best prank of all time," Sirius insisted. He reached over and shook Remus, saying, "Come on, Moony. Get up."

"It is a brilliant prank," Remus admitted, sleepily waving his arm to mimic patting himself on the back. "And it will be just as brilliant in an hour, when I wake up."

Sirius groaned childishly, hopping up and down like he would have on Christmas day at his parents' bed if that would have brought him any joy. "But, Moony! I'm a wreck without you! Look at me. I'm bouncing."

Remus shut both of his eyes and buried his head into his lumpy pillow, trying to find that elusive comfortable position that Sirius had shaken him out of. "That's nothing landmark, Sirius. You hop up and down when..." he trailed off, unable to come up with anything. "Come back in an hour. I'll have a very clever example then. Now, I need sleep."

"You've had all night to do that," Sirius insisted.

"I would also like a healthy portion of the morning, you insufferably chipper prat," Remus mumbled, pulling the covers of his bed over his shoulders.

Sirius sighed and flopped down on the bed next to Remus. Remus opened his eye wide enough so that Sirius wouldn't notice to see his friend pillowing his dark head beneath his arms, staring up at the ceiling. "Well, if you're not getting up, I'm going to sit here and talk at you until you become thoroughly sick of me and get the hell out of your bed."

"Wonderful," Remus sighed. "My bed is going to smell like wet dog."

Sirius glared down at him. "What is the matter with you this morning? It's not the right time for this yet. Full moon isn't for two weeks." He pouted, widening his eyes pathetically. "You're beginning to hurt my feelings."

"Sorry," Remus muttered, turning his head away from Sirius and not sounding particularly apologetic. "You know how I am when I don't get six hours."

Remus could tell by the sound of Sirius's voice that he was frowning. "You went to bed early. Why the hell are you so tired?"

Remus opened his eyes now that he was no longer in danger of having Sirius see him. Of course, he knew exactly why he had been subjected to the previous night's case of insomnia. He had been pouring over the details of their altercation, continually finding himself unsatisfied with its resolution. He hadn't gotten a straight answer from Sirius, but then, he supposed he should have banked on that.

Sirius could be oddly standoffish in such instances, though he always masked it brilliantly. Even now, with Sirius lying on his bed as if nothing had happened the day before, Remus could sense an awkwardness that perhaps only James would have been able to see. Then again, he probably wouldn't have been looking for it. On the surface, Sirius was the same as ever. But there was a strain in his voice and his brow was constantly furrowed and he seemed to be swallowing more than usual. Remus knew it was there, and he couldn't help but feel that he had somehow put it there, though he could not for the life of him figure out what he had done.

That was what Remus had sat up thinking about the night before, and his brain still would not let go of it now that morning had come. He sincerely doubted that the issue would ever be resolved. He could picture the two of them in an Old Wizard's home years from now, Sirius propping his withering feet on Remus's lap, making inappropriate comments about a nurse, and Remus would be sitting there wondering what he had done to make Sirius lose his temper in the library sixty years earlier.

"Moony?" Sirius asked, his voice burdened with concern masked as impatience. "I am feeling neglected. Answer the question."

"Couldn't sleep," Remus said simply, shutting his eyes once again.

Sirius sighed, apparently refusing to abide this lack of activity any longer. A few seconds later, Remus felt Sirius's full weight come down somewhere in the middle of his back. He didn't move or even flinch at first, but after awhile, he decided to speak.

"Sirius?"

"Yes, Oony-Moony with whom I would like to spoony?" Sirius said in a very irritating voice.

"I do believe that you're sitting on me," Remus observed tiredly.

"Well, my bum is on your back," Sirius said. "I suppose that would constitute as sitting on you."

"Yes," Remus answered. "Yes, it would."

"Would you like me to get up?"

"Oddly enough, the thought did cross my mind," Remus said.

"Madness," Sirius said, no doubt shaking his head for a minute. "You do realize you have to pay a price for me to get off you."

"I am not going to drink Polyjuice Potion next year to transfigure myself into a female so that you have a date for when you crash the Yule Ball that they are going to have in celebration of us not longer being here," Remus muttered. "Stop asking me."

Sirius hit him lightly on the head. "You need to wake up. I will not tolerate this any longer. There is a prank to be played, plans to be made, fat boys to be wrangled, and I will not put it off for another minute."

"Oh, sod off, Sirius," Remus moaned. "Sod right off of my back."

"I am likely doing permanent damage to your vertebrae," Sirius threatened. "With each second that passes, your spine calls out for mercy." He cleared his throat and spoke as if someone had just dropped a piano on his head, which was likely how Remus's spine would feel if bones had feelings. "Please get Mr. Padfoot off of us, Mr. Moony. Your lumbar is already weeping. He is so very heavy with all of his rock hard muscles and manliness."

"And your ego has always been a hard load to bear," Remus added darkly.

Sirius groaned and then said nothing for a minute. Remus felt Sirius shift above him, and he dared to hope that perhaps Sirius was going to get off him. This fear was quickly forgotten when he thought he felt something sharp digging into his back. Had it not been so early, Remus would have realized what had happened much earlier.

But as it was, he didn't understand it until he felt something wet in his ear.

"Oh, God!" Remus said in revulsion struggling to bat away the wet nose and slobbering tongue, now instantly awake. He managed to shove the big dog off him for a moment, but he returned almost instantly, pinning Remus's shoulders to the bed. "Padfoot, you just licked my ear!"

The dog barked happily, leaning down and licking Remus's face.

Remus all but gagged. "I think it went in my mouth that time." Remus looked up at the canine, who was irritatingly happy with his tail wagging back and forth and his eyes staring into Remus's with an intensity that was alarming for a dog. Remus glared and said, "Oh, fine. I'll get up. And I will brush my teeth twelve times, and I will still taste your saliva."

Satisfied, Sirius turned back into a boy, hopping off the bed and landing on two feet smugly. "You know you liked it."

Remus wiped his face, alarmed at the amount of dog slobber that was there. "That was disgusting, and I enjoyed no part of it."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I've drooled on you before."

"Never this early in the morning," Remus maintained, dragging himself out of bed. "I hate you right now. Just so you know."

Sirius threw Remus's towel and a set of clothes at him, hitting Remus square in the face. "Go wash. You smell like dog."

"Make that despise," Remus amended before turning on his heel and stalking off to the showers.

-----

Remus returned some forty-five minutes later to find that Sirius had found James's invisibility cloak, the Map, and Remus's new chocolate hiding place. He was munching on one of the bars, looking down at the Map with a scrutiny he never devoted to his essays. The cloak was flung over his legs, making Sirius look as if he were a veteran from a war.

He walked forward and pulled the cloak off, alerting Sirius to his presence. "Don't do that. It's disturbing."

Sirius looked up at Remus, glowering. "It was keeping me warm. The Tower is freezing without all of the little Gryffindors running around."

"It was making you look legless," Remus said.

"You are entirely too squeamish for a creature of darkness," Sirius said, taking a bite out of the chocolate. "What were you doing in there anyway? I was about to go save you from drowning."

Remus laughed cynically, rubbing his eyes. "Good luck getting in. You don't know the--"

"Yellow Submarine," Sirius interrupted around the candy.

Remus raised an eyebrow. "How did you find out the password?"

"I followed you in the invisibility cloak once so I could see you naked," Sirius said dryly.

Remus narrowed his eyes, unsure of whether or not to take this seriously. "Really?"

"No," Sirius admitted. "I did follow you, and I was wearing the cloak, but I did not see you naked. I just wanted to password, and I knew you'd never give it to me if I asked."

"I'd be too afraid that you'd burst in on some poor Fifth Year Girl wearing your pirate's hat and threatening to cart her off to your ship," Remus drawled, leaning over Sirius's shoulder to get a look at the map. "So, it looks as though everyone's gone."

Sirius nodded. "I was just waiting for you to get back so that we could go stalk the Terrible Trio until Peter separates himself from the pack."

Remus glanced at Sirius askance. "You know, from the look on your face, I'm slightly worried that you're going to maul him as soon as you're alone with him."

"That's why I waited for you," Sirius said, swinging off the bed. "So you can come with and prevent me from doing so."

"Joy," Remus said as Sirius picked up the cloak and swirled it around them with a flourish that would have made Dracula exceedingly jealous.

The pair made there way down to where James, Peter, and Lily were lounging about in the courtyard. They had removed themselves promptly from the Gryffindor Tower before either Sirius or Remus had gotten out of bed, probably sensing that being anywhere near the two of them would have been nothing but awkward and unpleasant. James had his head in Lily's lap, prompting Sirius to say that he was a little wistful they weren't speaking, as he would have very much enjoyed making lewd comments about their position. Peter was sitting some feet away, fiddling with his trousers.

"Stupid Sirius," James muttered crossly. "Stupid Remus. Stupid Moony and Padfoot and their stupid, senseless feud and their stupid... faces and--"

"James, I think you've made your point," Lily said, looking and sounding very tired.

"You understand that they're stupid, then?" James asked, still frowning.

Sirius rolled his eyes from where he and Remus were hidden some ten feet away, saying, "Could I throw a rock at him?"

"No," Remus hissed. "He'll know we're standing here if you do. And then he'll have a point about you being brainless."

Sirius frowned. "He said I was stupid, Moony. Not brainless. Would you like him to repeat it for you? I'm sure he'd love to."

Remus waved him quiet as Lily finished explaining just how thoroughly aware she was of the level of Sirius and Remus's intelligence. A brief moment passed in silence before Peter heaved a great sigh.

"What's wrong, Peter?" Lily asked, sounding a bit like an exasperated mother dealing with an irritable toddler.

Peter folded his arms across his chest and mumbled, "I don't think they're stupid."

James sat up a bit, turning his head in Peter's direction. "You what?"

Peter swallowed, a little hesitant to repeat himself and said, "I don't they're stupid."

Sirius feigned wiping away a tear. "Oh, look at little Wormtail, standing up to Prongs. I may almost be able to resist the urge to bite him once I get him alone."

"They're bent, but they're not stupid," Peter finished.

"And then he goes and does that, and I hate him again," Sirius growled.

Remus shook his head slightly. "I'm beginning to think that you're all hopeless."

"Moony, if you had any hope for any of us, I sincerely doubt your sanity," Sirius informed him, patting him on the head.

Lily spoke again before Remus had a chance to respond. "I wish you wouldn't go on about that, Peter. It would be just our luck that they round the corner at the wrong time and hear you. I don't fancy washing up your blood once Sirius is done."

Peter looked as if he wanted to pout, but thought better of it given his age. "I'm telling you, I saw them practically snogging in the room the other day. And they're spending every waking moment together now." Peter paused, looking around fervently, now worried that Lily's prediction was going to come true. "Probably sleeping together too."

"Peter, you great clod, they sleep with us," James said loudly. He blinked and added, "Well, not with us, but they sleep... around us."

"Oh, yeah. We're the idiots," Sirius muttered.

"The big, gay idiots apparently," Remus added, becoming a bit testy listening to them.

"They could be sneaking around," Peter maintained, refusing to let up on the subject. "Snogging in closets and humping each other in the bathroom."

Lily made a disgusted face that seemed to make her freckles more prominent. "Peter! That's dreadful!"

"Yup, I won't be sleeping tonight," James said. "Not unless I want to have nightmares."

Sirius shook his head sadly. "They just don't understand our love, do they, Moony?"

"You know, maybe we should lay off the "we're sleeping together" jokes," Remus suggested dryly. "That is what started this mess."

"I will not stifle my humor just because Lily doesn't understand it," Sirius said, a little insulted. He paused and frowned sourly. "Besides, this is all James's fault. He started it, calling me a liar. The git."

Remus glanced at Sirius askance. "You know, when you say that, I think that you are perhaps the tallest three year old in existence."

Sirius was about to say something when Peter suddenly stood up, still playing with his trousers. "I'll be back in a few minutes," he informed the couple. "So don't go off snogging anywhere. And don't snog here so that I have to come back and see it. You're both rather nasty with the spit and the lips everywhere and--"

"Good-bye, Peter," James said loudly.

"Yeah, yeah," Peter mumbled before turning and heading in the direction of the nearest bathroom.

Sirius and Remus followed him quickly, moving as silently as they possibly could. On the way, Sirius turned to Remus and said, "You stay under the cloak. It is imperative that he be petrified, and you're presence is too soothing. You'll calm him down with your soft brown eyes, and I will have none of it."

"Why is it imperative that he be petrified again?" Remus asked, the corner of his mouth inching up.

"My own personal amusement mostly," Sirius said.

"I rather thought so."

The pair fell silent after that as Peter glanced over his shoulder, thinking that he was being followed. They could say whatever they wanted about Peter, but he had a bit more paranoia then was considered healthy. It had saved their rear ends on several occasions before the creation of the Marauders Map.

They slipped in to the bathroom before the door shut so that Peter never heard them enter. Peter went into one of the stalls, giving Sirius ample time to go out from underneath the cloak and fix his hair before his meeting with the pudgy boy. He posed himself leaning against one of the sinks, glowering in the direction Peter had gone. Remus was about to voice concern that Sirius wasn't even blinking when Peter suddenly rounded the corner.

He yelped and stood up straighter than he ever had in his life. "Pad-- Si-Sirius."

"Peter," Sirius said darkly.

"What-- Well-- Isn't it-- F-Fancy-- Hello-- Oh, God, please don't kill me," Peter stammered out, his voice leaping up three octaves by the time he managed to get a whole sentence out.

Remus had to admit, it was a little sad, but he could understand why Sirius found this so amusing.

"I don't intend to," Sirius said, his eyes adding a silent but immensely clear 'yet' on to the end of the phrase.

Peter was able to see that, so he didn't look exceptionally relieved at the news. "Thank you?"

Sirius nodded graciously. "You're welcome."

Peter's eyes darted around, looking for a quick exit. He wasn't sure how long Sirius's benevolence would last. Seeing no option other than the door Sirius had positioned himself next to, Peter raised his hand a bit as if asking a question in class. "Might I go now?"

"No," Sirius said.

"Please?" Peter whimpered.

"Peter, do you want this feud to go on forever?" Sirius asked, his tone suggesting that he actually wanted Peter's opinion.

Still, Peter was briefly confused as to whether or not he was supposed to take that rhetorically. After a few seconds of silence, Peter finally managed to say, "I'd really rather not, but you and James--"

"I am willing to make peace with James and forgive him for the numerous wrongs he has committed upon my person," Sirius interrupted grandly, turning his nose up.

Remus very much would have wanted to make a comment, but he had avoided saying anything about James up until that point. He decided that suddenly voicing his opinion while he was invisible was not the best plan. Unless of course he wanted Peter to have an accident.

Peter blinked and lit up so that Remus was momentarily concerned that Sirius had set the boy on fire. "Really? You will? You and James will make up?"

"I would be willing to discuss the possibility," Sirius said in as snotty a tone as he could manage, dusting some nonexistent dust from his shoulder.

Peter looked positively giddy. "Oh, wait until I tell Prongs! He'll be ecstatic, really he will! He didn't mean all of that rotten stuff he said about your hair and you being stupid and dodgy and how you'll wind up friendless and alone because Remus has to get sick of you eventually and--"

"Peter, this is what I would consider being unhelpful to your cause," Sirius ground out through clenched teeth, his eyebrow twitching violently. "Shut it."

Peter all but swallowed his lips to keep from speaking again.

Once satisfied that he was not going to blurt anything else out, Sirius nodded and stood up from the sink, walking to the door. He pushed it open, and turned back to face Peter, giving Remus ample opportunity to slip out. "Come up to the room in... oh, say... An hour and twenty-three minutes. Exactly. Remus and I will be waiting there."

That said, Sirius shut the door behind him with a flourish and began to head back to the room. Once he was certain that Peter wasn't following them, he went ahead and pulled the cloak off of Remus.

"An hour and twenty-three minutes," Remus said, the left corning of his mouth turned upwards. "Subtle."

"Well, I want them to arrive on time," Sirius insisted.

"You could have just given them the time," Remus said.

This appeared to have not occurred to Sirius for whatever reason, and Sirius found that slightly embarrassing. He narrowed his eyes and set himself to pouting, muttering, "Shut up, Remus."

Remus didn't know what could have possibly stopped Sirius from processing the simple information properly, but he decided it was best not to dwell on it. The boy did have a tendency to fixate, after all. "I suppose I should have counted on you doing something like that. You lack the capacity for subtlety."

Sirius appeared insulted. "I can be subtle."

"Sirius, your idea of subtle is leaping out of a cake completely naked except for some poorly placed glitter."

Sirius glared. "Did I not say shut up?

Deciding to be agreeable, Remus remained quiet for the rest of the trip back to the room. They arrived shortly, leaving them a little over an hour before James and company would arrive. Remus and Sirius had decided ahead of time to give themselves some time to make some final preparations before they arrived. For example, Remus insisted on proofreading the script one final time because he planned to have it framed when the prank was over and done with, and Sirius needed to figure out exactly what sardonic expression he wanted to use when the threesome walked in the door. Both thought that the other had very strange priorities.

Sirius was standing in front of his mirror, not really doing much of anything. He appeared to be thinking rather intensely about something, glaring at the glass more than anything else. He was also dancing around quite a lot, though not nearly with his normal theatrics. He merely seemed uneasy, and that made Remus uneasy because he had always considered Sirius to be rather unshakable.

Remus looked up from his work after several minutes, eyeing Sirius curiously.

Sirius raised an eyebrow, noticing him in the mirror. "What's that look for?"

"You are... awfully fidgety," Remus observed.

Sirius shrugged. "I had a lot of sugar this morning."

"No, you're not sugar high fidgety," Remus insisted. "You're... You're nervous fidgety."

Sirius raised his other eyebrow at the same height as the first one. "Nervous? You think I'm nervous?"

Remus shrugged. "It would explain your complete inability to be still."

"Moony, I've always had a complete inability to be still," Sirius reminded him, walking away from his spot and moving about the room.

"This is different," Remus maintained. "You're pacing. You don't pace. It's too monotonous for you."

Sirius glanced over at Remus and said, "Moony, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that you've been studying me."

"At every waking moment, and sometimes in my dreams," Remus quipped.

"I do so hope they are naughty dreams," Sirius said.

Remus sighed. "What did I say about the sex jokes?"

"I can't repeat it exactly, but I do remember my opinion on the matter," Sirius said. "Perhaps I should be clearer. No way in blazing blue hell."

Remus couldn't help but smile slightly, but he also couldn't help but be exasperated by Sirius. Then again, what else was new? "Look, either way, your fidgeting is making me anxious, so why don't we rehearse this grand masterpiece and give you something to do?"

Sirius hesitated, which Remus found odd. He was about to ask if Sirius were feverish or possessed or something else horrifying, but he nodded in assent before Remus could do so. Remus sat up on the bed to make room for Sirius, who kept a curious amount of distance between himself and Remus. It was something else that Remus couldn't help but attribute to their argument the day before, and it worried him.

Still, Sirius was the consummate performer, so whatever problem he seemed to have with Remus was set aside for the good of the prank. Remus didn't want to think about how things would be if Sirius didn't have this notion of banding together for the greater good at exacting revenge on James. He didn't want to, but he did and that did nothing to improve his mood.

"Why, Remus!" Sirius began theatrically, complete with exaggerated facial expressions and a pearl clutch. "You look positively green! Is something wrong? Are you worried about seeing James?"

Remus, who was still not pleased that he had to be the one to confess to Sirius, but who did acknowledge Sirius's point about it not making sense otherwise, cleared his throat and spoke. "Oh, I wish it were that simple, Padfoot."

"Moony, tell me what's wrong! You're worrying me," Sirius said in a tone that made Remus wonder how he resisted the urge to shake him.

"There's something that I've been wanting to confess for some time, Sirius," Remus said in what he thought was a tragic tone of voice. "But I've been afraid."

"Of me?" Sirius asked.

Remus nodded. "Of you."

"Moony, that's ridiculous!" Sirius cried. "You know that you can tell me anything. You are my BEST MATE after all."

Remus gave him a look at his very obvious inflection, but went on. "What I have to say to you may change how you feel about me."

"Never!" Sirius said, shaking his head emphatically. "Nothing could ever change that!"

"Oh, I fear this might."

"I highly doubt that."

"No!" Remus insisted. "No, you'll never be able to look me in the face again. Not after I tell you."

"I won't believe that," Sirius said. "I won't."

"Oh, but you will," Remus intoned gravely. "You will."

"Just tell me what's wrong, Moony. I'll decide how I feel about it."

Remus made a few noises that could have been the start of sentences, but he never actually managed to form words from it. After a moment, he scoffed and said, "No. It's no use. I'll never be able to tell you. Never, never, never!"

"Remus, you can't just say you have something to tell me and then not tell me!" Sirius shouted.

"But I should never have told you that I had something to tell you because I should have known that I would never work up the courage to tell you what I wanted to tell you in the first place," Remus said. He paused, frowning. "It is so very clear that you wrote that sentence."

"Silence!" Sirius bellowed. "There will be no breaking character!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "All right then. It's your line."

Sirius glared. "Well, your character breaking made me lose my place. Thanks a lot, Moony."

Remus pointed to the spot in the script where they had left off.

Sirius cheered instantly. "Thanks a lot, Moony!" he said with an entirely different inflection. Then he darkened and got back into character, picking it up. "But now you have me worried, Moony. How am I supposed to deal with James and Peter and Lily when I am worrying about your well-being? Don't you want this horrendous feud to be over and done with?"

"More than anything," Remus said, feigning earnestness. Then he paused, though not nearly so dramatic as Sirius paused. Remus wasn't even sure how to make a pause of all things dramatic. "Well, except for one thing."

"Does that one thing have anything to do with what it is you want to tell me?" Sirius asked.

"Yes," Remus admitted, though he said nothing more.

"Speak up, man!" Sirius demanded.

Remus made a few more noises. "I can't. Not with you looking."

"Do you want me to look away?"

"Yes," Remus said in a tight voice. "Please."

Sirius heaved a sigh, but didn't actually look away. After all, then he would be looking in the opposite direction of the script, which would have been the opposite of helpful. "There. I'm looking away now. Say it."

Both Remus-in-character and Remus-who-was-seriously-regretting-this-suggestion had a very difficult time saying the next sentence. "I'm... rather in love with you, Sirius."

Sirius gasped. "What did you say?"

Remus went to say his next line, when he realized Sirius was ad-libbing. "Huh?"

"Say it again," Sirius said casually. "I do so love hearing you say that."

Remus reached over and thumped Sirius on the arm. "What happened to no breaking character?"

"What happened to no hitting the pretty one?" Sirius asked, rubbing his shoulder. "That bloody hurt."

"Just stick to the script," Remus said, gesturing down to the paper.

Sirius looked quite tragic. "Oh, fine. Ruin all my fun."

"It was in my oath I took when I became a Prefect. 'To uphold the law and ruin all of the fun Sirius Black might ever have,'" Remus informed him solemnly. "I really have no choice in the matter."

Sirius glared, but rather than say one of the thirteen perfectly witty comebacks he no doubt had prepared already, he turned back to the script. "You're in love with me?" he asked, his voice climbing an octave.

"Rather," Remus said.

"I suppose there have been signs," Sirius admitted. "You were always right there behind me when I turned around... Right beside me when I needed a friend... Right in front of me to defend me from all naysayers." He paused. "You know, according to this, loving me is a bit like stalking me, isn't it?"

Remus shrugged. "Well, if James's pursuit of Lily was my only example."

Sirius nodded. "Right."

Remus cleared his throat and began again. "I had hoped that I wasn't obvious. I never intended for you to know."

"Then why tell me now?" Sirius asked.

"Because..." Remus started, looking rather pained. "I find that I can't contain myself or my... passions any longer."

Sirius glared. "You look like you're going to gag."

"That's what I'm usually afraid of when we reach this point," Remus said. "I don't know why, but the idea of my lust for you being out of control isn't appealing to me."

"I should expect this from a man who folds his underwear," Sirius said. "It suggests chaos, and you get all hot and bothered for order. It's sickening really."

Remus narrowed his eyes. "I do not get hot and--"

"But do try to keep the face making to a minimum," Sirius interrupted. "You are ruining my ego."

"You see, when you say that, it makes me want to keep doing it," Remus observed.

It was Sirius's turn to swipe at Remus, though he missed as Remus had been expecting it. He decided to let it go and continued. "I wish I had known you felt that way sooner."

"Why is that?" Remus asked.

"Because..." Sirius actually made his lower lip tremble. "I have loved you from afar as well."

Remus gasped. "You have?"

Sirius nodded. "I have."

"But..." Remus sputtered. "The women! The seemingly endless list of women! It doesn't make sense!"

"They were merely placating me before I was able to claim my one true love."

"I don't believe it," Remus said in mock disbelief.

"Believe it," Sirius said. "And then... kiss me you fool!"

Remus set the paper down, shaking his head. "I am still amazed that you talked me into that line."

"It was either that or 'show me your rod of fire,'" Sirius reminded him.

"Brilliant prose there, mate," Remus amended, smirking.

Sirius nodded graciously. "And then we... Excuse me, I make a lot of inappropriate noises because you've decided to go all prudish about it," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"I agreed to bang the bed against the wall, didn't I?" Remus asked.

"That is the one thing that spares you from being disowned, I'll have you know," Sirius informed him. "Anyway, then James and the idiot brigade burst in to find us completely normal, and I rub it in their faces for ages and ages," Sirius said, seeming content.

"Right," Remus said, sighing a bit.

"I can't wait to see the look on James's face when he sees that he's been had," Sirius continued, growling a bit. "I've dreamt of it you know. But I think the reality will be much, much better."

Remus's shoulders sagged, still convinced that Sirius's anger with James was no coupled with his anger with Remus, though he was at a loss at how to fix either one. "I'm sure."

Sirius looked over at Remus and, noticing his dismal posture, ruffled his hair a bit. "Don't sulk. The only one allowed to sulk is me. I'm the only one that makes it look sexy."

Remus forced a smile, though it fell considerably short of expectations.

Sirius frowned. "What is the matter with you today? This is supposed to be our day of triumph, but you've been all moody. And none of them have been good moods."

Remus looked down, swallowing. It was life imitating art, though not in a very literal way. He hadn't intended on confronting Sirius with this, but he was right. Remus had been irritable all day, and it was refusing to go away. It was just nagging at him and nagging at him, and if he didn't ask Sirius about it, he was going to go positively mad.

"Can I ask you something?" Remus asked.

Sirius looked at him suspiciously. "You're going to ask me about my feelings. Aren't you?"

Remus, who was getting rather irritated with being incessantly compared to a woman, looked up and said, "Are you angry with me?"

Sirius blinked. "Am I what?"

"Angry," Remus reiterated. "With me."

Sirius stared for a moment before shaking his head and looking away. "Why are you asking me this?"

"I just want to know if I've done something," Remus said. "The way you're acting makes me think that I have."

"The way I'm acting?" Sirius repeated.

"You've been acting odd as well," Remus maintained.

"If I've been acting strangely, it has been in response to your weird non-Moonyness," Sirius insisted. "But I do not think I've been acting strangely."

"Aside from the fidgeting?" Remus asked.

"Would you lay off that already?" Sirius said, his tone a bit harsher than he probably intended.

Remus sighed. "Sirius, I... I can tell when you're upset."

"Another werewolf thing?" Sirius asked.

Remus shrugged as he wasn't entirely sure. "Maybe. I can't smell it or anything. I just notice it is all."

"And you think I'm angry with you because of that?" Sirius said.

"Yes," Remus answered. "And your hostility, contrary to what you might think, is actually doing nothing to alleviate that suspicion."

"I don't know why you'd think I'd be angry with you," Sirius said in a voice that was deceptively casual. "It isn't like you kept any important information from me like... that time you had sex."

Remus threw his hands up in the air. "Oh, for the love of--"

"Nope," Sirius said loudly. "You'd never do a thing like that."

"I'm sorry, didn't we have this argument yesterday?" Remus asked, all but jumping off the bed.

"We did," Sirius said in a tight voice, following. "And you were just as evasive yesterday."

"Because it is none of your business!" Remus said loudly, very much wanting tear Sirius into several pieces. He wasn't usually driven to anger so quickly, but Sirius knew exactly what buttons to push to illicit these reactions out of him. Not to mention, even though he had had a feeling that yesterday's issue wasn't resolved, he had (rather foolishly) not expected Sirius to want to rehash the whole argument. He really should have known better.

"Your being a werewolf wasn't my business either, but you told me that, didn't you?" Sirius countered.

"No, I didn't!" Remus said. "You and James snuck around and pieced it together behind my back."

"But when we asked you, 'Remus, do you have a tendency to turn into a murderous beast that could kill us all as easily as you tear paper in half when the full moon comes out,' you admitted it. You didn't even hesitate," Sirius pointed out.

"If I had known the day would come when you would want to know every detail of my existence, I probably would not have been as forthcoming," Remus said.

Sirius looked at Remus for a moment, glaring. Remus was almost foolish enough to think that he was going to let the subject drop when he said, "I don't see why you are making such a production out of this. I just want to know who the hell it is."

"Why are you so caught up in this? It doesn't matter who it was. It didn't even matter to me at the time. I just..." Remus trailed off, shaking his head. "You were an idiot and I was upset and I just wanted to forget about you and the fight and Snape for a few hours," Remus snapped, having lost all patience with this. "Your goal in life has always been to avoid being forgotten, and you can rest assured that you've done a damn good job of it."

"What are you talking about?" Sirius countered, still sour.

"Even when I wanted to hate you, even when I wanted to forget that you existed, I could not get you and your songs and your monologues out of my head," Remus ranted, wondering if he would have sounded as mad as he thought he did to someone not involved in the conversation. "No matter what I did that summer, it was like you were sitting there with your stupid grin on your face, teasing me about how I tie my shoes or how I'm always reading or how I resemble a woman with my mood swings and my time of the month and all that other rubbish you say. So, I had... sex to try and get rid of you. It didn't work, and it was rather painful, and I am in no hurry to repeat it. Though if I do, I can guarantee that you will not be the first one to know about it."

Sirius scowled. "I didn't ask for a monologue, Moony. I just want to know her name."

Remus was very glad that he could not become a wolf voluntarily because he would have been sorely tempted at that moment to do so. "I don't know why you are so obsessed about this! I told you yesterday. You don't know him."

It took him precisely ten seconds to realize what he'd just said. He first saw the strange look Sirius was giving him, no longer self-righteous but merely confused. Then he went over the last few moments in his head, and came to the inevitable conclusion. He was a complete idiot.

Remus closed his eyes, shoulders sagging in defeat. "Oh... hell."

"I'm sorry," Sirius said, his voice sounding very odd. "Did you say... 'him'?"

Remus often wished that he could turn into a puddle at will so that he could slink off into the cracks in the floor or just evaporate from existence. Never before had he so intensely wished for that power.

But he knew that he wouldn't suddenly transfigure himself into water, and there was no hoping for it. All he could do answer the question.

"Yes," Remus finally admitted, putting his hand on the bed post and hanging on so tightly that he knew he could have snapped it in half with a flick of his wrist. "I did."

Sirius, Remus decided, had been wrong. In this case, death was infinitely preferable to the alternative.