All Kidding Aside

Everyone at Hogwarts knew that there had been a very important rule that must be obeyed at all costs with absolute no exceptions whatsoever. It had been in place since the forefathers of their forefathers had been attending the School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. There was no claiming ignorance of this rule, not that Argus Filch would have spared anyone from his wrath had that been their excuse.

And that was the rule that all students must be in their dormitories by nightfall. They were not to be wandering about the castle, goofing about in the Potions Lab, studying in the library, or becoming acquainted with the opposite sex in various states of undress in the Astronomy Tower. They were certainly not to be gallivanting around the grounds of Hogwarts, the Quidditch Pitch, or wandering within ten feet of the Dark Forest. Some professors even wished that the rule be changed so that all students were tied down to their beds at that time.

The Marauders were very proud to boast that this suggestion had been first brought up as a result of the Firecracker Incident, which had occurred in their Second Year.

The Marauders were also very proud to boast that they rarely if ever took this rule into consideration or even regarded it as a rule. James had once said that he viewed it as more of a suggestion. Sirius often denied that he knew the meaning of the word rule. Remus often just hung his head and wondered how he had ended up being friends with these boys in the first place.

Even so, it was because of this attitude that Sirius and Remus felt very little guilt when they exited the building well after dark when most others were inside. Well, Remus still felt guilty, but he had learned to ignore it or at least keep his objections to himself in order to avoid abuse. They walked slowly, feeling absolutely no hurry to reach their destination. After all, they had the map, and according to that, there was absolutely no one in the vicinity. It was a bit nippy out, but they'd prepared themselves for worse, so they couldn't mind the cold.

Sirius leaned over, holding his wand over the parchment to get a better look at it. "What do you suppose McGonagall is doing in Dumbledore's office at this time of night?"

"I don't know," Remus said, a bit louder than he would have liked. "But please, please don't speculate."

Sirius scoffed, tossing his hair a bit. Remus was very concerned that Sirius had enough hair to toss or that he even knew how to do it as well as he did, but he kept that to himself as well. "And spare you the vomit-inducing mental image? After you tortured me with that disgusting narrative about your tryst with Peter? I think not, my good fellow. I. Think. Not."

Remus sighed pathetically. "Is there really any point in you describing it now? I've already gone over all of the scenarios in my head, and I'm sure I shall never be able to look either of them in the eye ever again."

Sirius clapped him on the back with glee. "My work here is done!"

"And yet you put in so much overtime," Remus quipped as the pair reached the Whomping Willow. It wasn't often that Remus went down to the Shrieking Shack unless it was the full moon. He knew that sometimes Sirius, James, and Peter snuck down there in order to create a racket when it wasn't a full moon so that no one would catch on to what they were up to. Remus generally avoided it if he could. The place wasn't exactly overflowing with pleasant memories.

"Tell me again why we're going to the Shrieking Shack?" Remus questioned, staring up at the ominous tree with its large branches punching at the air as if desperately battling some unseen force. "You and James went down there last Thursday. You don't really need to go again for a bit."

Sirius shrugged. "Couldn't hurt though." He readied his wand, stretching a bit and readying himself for the mad dash to the appropriate knot. "Besides, it's too risky to stay around the castle. The whole place is expecting a big prank from one of our sides soon. I think they brought Dementors in to stop us."

Sirius said this with such assuredness that Remus almost forgot that he was kidding. "Sirius, please don't joke about Dementors."

"Why not?" he asked as he flexed in a manner he thought was most impressive. "I joke about everything else."

"Really, I hadn't noticed," Remus drawled. "Normally I wouldn't mind, but it's very strange for you to be talking about those soul-sucking wraiths with those ridiculous faces you make."

"If by ridiculous, you mean devilishly handsome and utterly irresistible, we are in complete agreement."

Sirius made one more ridiculous/devilishly handsome face and then took a hilariously deep breath, puffing his chest out proudly. Then he raised his wand as if it were William Wallace's broadsword and bellowed into the night. "CHARGE!"

Remus shook his head as Sirius took off for the tree. "Why, oh why, must you always do that?"

Sirius surged forward, expertly dodging the swinging branches. Remus watched with fascination as he leapt and bounded through them. Long ago, he had made the mistake of labeling the way in which Sirius ran through the branches as having cat-like grace. He'd always known it was wrong, but he had to give it some sort of descriptor for his memoirs. He had later gone back and changed cat to dog and grace to daring idiocy surely to get him killed one day. Remus thought that was much more fitting.

Sirius did an unnecessary, but nonetheless impressive spin that rather resembled a pirouette, leapt into the air, somersaulted, and pulled out of it, reaching out his arm and tapping the knot on the tree. The branches and vines promptly calmed, allowing Sirius to pop up to his feet. He grinned at Remus much in the same way that a child grinned at his parents after jumping off the high dive the first time or showing their very first sign of magic.

Remus strode forward, patting Sirius on the head appreciatively. "Good boy. Remind me to give you a treat when we get home."

"Oh, please be steak. Please be steak. Please, please, please be steak," Sirius prayed, clasping his hands together and fidgeting a great deal.

"I was thinking more along the lines of one of Peter's shoes to chew on," Remus remarked as he slipped through the opening and into the super secret tunnel.

Sirius beamed. "Even better!" Then he followed Remus in, throwing an arm about his shoulders the second his feet hit the ground. "Could it be his penny loafers? He does so love his penny loafers."

"I was unaware Peter had an attachment to any of his shoes," Remus said, rolling up the Map and gingerly putting it in his pocket.

"Peter is attached to anything that doesn't give him a good wallop every now and then," Sirius bit out.

"Right..." Remus remarked awkwardly, floundering for a new subject to discuss. "So, ready for Quidditch practice tomorrow?"

"Always," Sirius informed him with a grin. "I have even arranged for a cheering section."

For some reason, that worried Remus. "A cheering section?"

"Yes," Sirius said, his eyes gleaming from the low light of his wand. "I have gotten together a group of girls from several houses, all of whom are desperately in love with me might I add... Not that there are any other females on the face of this great Earth, but these are particularly malleable."

"I hope at least a few of them are of legal age," Remus muttered loudly.

Sirius pressed on. "I have arranged for them to watch Quidditch practice tomorrow. They are arranging chants as we speak."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Chants?"

"Yes, chants."

"What sort of... chants?"

"There is going to be one on each part of my anatomy," Sirius explained. "And several on my--"

"Lovely," Remus interrupted. "Why exactly are you--"

"I have also arranged for them to have several chants on James's anatomy, be that as it may," Sirius said wickedly. "As well as his odor and how it resembles a monkey's buttocks."

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose. "Sirius, tell me you didn't. I beg of you, please, please tell me that you didn't."

Sirius shrugged clapping Remus on the back and surging forward, growing bored of their leisurely pace. "You'll just have to wait and find out tomorrow, won't you?"

Remus stopped, staring after Sirius's body with its jaunty step in utter disbelief. He decided that it was best to forget about it and hope that Sirius was just trying to make him nervous.

The remainder of the walk (which wasn't very long at all) was in silence except for Sirius humming some new hit song. There were times when they had to stop as Sirius danced about to a particular part, and Remus knew better than to try and go around him for fear of being accidentally conked on the nose.

They entered the Shrieking Shack just as Sirius reached the coda. Remus glanced around a bit, taking stock of his surroundings. He wasn't used to seeing it in a normal state of mind. Usually he was just beginning his transformation, teetering somewhere between humanity and something altogether different. His vision distorted and objects bled together. Eventually, sight stopped mattering. He only smelled and sensed and tore apart, destroying anything he could make out around him as his body tried to destroy itself.

Remus shook himself from those thoughts as Sirius dragged him upstairs to the seldom seen bedroom. This was no doubt where he kept the booze.

"Is this where you bring all your conquests?" Remus asked knowingly.

Sirius's grin widened. "Only the loud ones."

"So that's how this old place got its name," Remus mused. "Here I thought it was all because of the little werewolf that could."

"Or is it the little werewolf that couldn't?" Sirius teased, flopping down onto the filthy floor in a way that was positively canine.

Remus took a seat beside him, folding his legs beneath him, and pulled out various and sundry papers that would be necessary for the formulation of their master plan.

"Right," Sirius observed, flopping over onto his stomach and staring at Remus with alarmingly sparkly eyes. "Down to business."

Remus looked at Sirius oddly, leaning back a bit. "You look... very odd. Just so you know."

"You'll get used to it."

"Uh huh," Remus muttered skeptically. "Now, just to go over the basics one more time, we've double-checked that Gryffindor Tower is going to be empty on the Saturday in question?"

"Triple-checked," Sirius assured him. "You see, I actually went up to Dumbledore's office earlier and overheard them to discuss it. Very strange pillow talk, don't you think?"

Remus shuddered violently.

"And that my dear is what I like to call even," Sirius informed him merrily. "Hit me with some more basics, Sherlock."

Remus sighed, turned back to his papers, supposing that he should be thankful he wasn't Watson. "The next part of the plan is imperative of course. We have to convince Peter that we're willing to make amends without looking too suspicious."

Sirius waved that problem off rather flippantly. "I'll handle that end of it. He'll be so busy trying not to shit himself, he won't have time to wonder why we're having them all meet us in our room at an assigned time."

Remus had to admit that Sirius had a point there. "And you don't think Lily and James will be suspicious?"

"Please, Lily will just be overjoyed that James can stop sulking all over her constantly," Sirius reasoned. "She'll be so happy, James's prankster-sense will surely fail him."

"If you say so."

"I could sing so if you want."

"Please don't. You're atrociously off-key when you're sober."

"I thought you said I was atrociously off-key when I was drunk!"

"That too."

Sirius huffed, clearly wounded to the point where he would surely shuffle off this mortal coil. "Well, if you're going to get nasty about it..."

"I apologize," Remus demurred before Sirius could go off on a very distracting tangent. Then he reached into his other pocket and pulled out a small bag. In that he found a rather tired looking quill and an unopened inkwell. He uncapped it, dipping his quill into the ink and pulling the black scraps of parchment towards him.

"What's all that?" Sirius questioned, turning his head at odd angles as if it would make sense to him if he viewed it upside down.

"Well, Sirius," Remus explained, labeling the documents with a date and title as he always did. "In case you haven't noticed, I lack your powers of improvisation."

Sirius tsked sadly, shaking his head. "I tried to pass it on to you, my son, but alas, you lacked ability. But the time for weeping has past. I have now grown to accept it, and it is but a dull ache that occasionally pounds like steel drums in my bosom."

"Since the sound of me vocally panicking when my mind inevitably goes blank would surely be detrimental to my grand master plan," Remus continued, finishing up the calligraphy on the title, which of course was, 'The Grand Master Plan.' "I have decided that it is imperative that we script this out."

Sirius groaned, his eyes no longer so sparkly. "Of course. You would figure out a way to turn this into homework."

"Hush," Remus chastised, waving his feather quill at him. "Help me come up with this. I'm sure you're better at it."

Sirius nodded, settling himself in. "I do have more experienced. I mean it's basically my incessantly versus your none."

Remus paused, the left corner of his mouth twitching. "Right."

Sirius stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Let me see... I'm sure you'll just fall to pieces if we don't include some sort of exposition to all of this."

"I will not fall to pieces," Remus insisted, although he had to admit that it would make for a better narrative structure.

"Out of the two of us, you are more expositiony," Sirius explained. "Therefore, I vote that we begin with you coming to me after years of repressing yourself and taming your urges to confess your long felt desires for my body."

Remus looked up dubiously. "I'm coming to you?"

"Well, soon you'll be coming for me, but yes, that's the gist of it."

"Why do I have to come to you?" Remus asked, choosing to ignore the utter depravity of Sirius's last statement. "Why can't you come to me?"

Sirius sighed and said, "Because Remus, if I come to you, then we're going to have to include a very long section explaining how I could have had so many good times with birds if all I ever wanted was man-flesh. That would then require me to be expositiony, and no one wants to hear that. It would also take up unnecessary time in between the proposition and the getting off, and James will never buy that I would want to talk about my feelings before taking a roll in the hay."

Remus frowned, not sure if he followed this train of logic. "But he will buy you suddenly deciding to sleep with me just because I asked you to?"

Sirius nodded. "I will be won over by your impassioned plea."

"Plea? I have to beg you now?" Remus asked.

Sirius shrugged. "It would be good for my ego."

"You're already too good to your ego," Remus informed, writing down a few things on the parchment. "I don't think I would plead with you to go to bed with me."

Sirius considered this for a moment. "Well, I suppose if you haven't done it by now..."

Remus couldn't contain the impulse to roll his eyes. "Oh, for pity's sake--"

"What do you care how it sounds anyway?" Sirius asked. "It's just a joke. It isn't like it's actually a reflection on your personality."

"I'd still prefer not to come off so girlish," Remus muttered irritably.

"You can be manly if you want."

"Not with the way you have things set up I can't."

"Fine, then how do you think it should go?" Sirius questioned.

Remus paused, mulling over this for a minute. After going all of the possible scenarios, he arrived at the only possible conclusion. "I think we should skip the exposition for the time being."

"Good man!" Sirius proclaimed. "Writing out of order! This is a triumphant day for you, Remus Lupin."

"I'll just ignore the dagger twisting in my heart," Remus informed him glibly. "Now then, what's the usual order of things for you?"

Sirius pondered this for a moment, finding it a bit more difficult than usual. "Huh. It's hard when you have to replace all the girl bits with man not-so-bits."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Remus remarked.

"Anytime." It was a few more minutes before Sirius finally was able to formulate something in his head. "All right, I think I have something. We will begin with, 'Oh, Remus Lupin what big hands you have!'"

Remus, who had been prepared to actually take this down in all seriousness, was now having to try very hard not to break his quill out of frustration. "Sirius..."

"To which you will respond, 'The better to get your rocks off with, my dear.'"

"You got into the bad crack this morning, didn't you?"

"And then you will moan sensuously--"

Remus blinked, looking up with a raised brow. "And then I will what whatily?"

"And then you will moan sensuously," Sirius repeated with a far more clinical tone than the first time he said it.

Remus stared him for a moment before shaking his head adamantly. "No."

Sirius scoffed, "Now, Remus. Don't be difficult."

"I said no," Remus reiterated with vigor.

"Do you want your grand master plan to work or not?" Sirius asked him, tapping the paper.

"Of course I want my grand master plan to work!" Remus exclaimed. "I just... I cannot... Well, I'd prefer not to... do... that. What you said. I don't want to do it... So, there."

"What is so hard about moaning?" Sirius asked incredulously.

"Well, I--"

"I mean it's not tricky at all," Sirius interrupted. "Go ahead. Try it."

Remus looked at him as if he had just sprung a second head that bore a frightening resemblance to the Headmaster. "What?"

"Moan," Sirius commanded, pointing at Remus vaguely.

"You want me to moan?" Remus queried, looking quite worried.

"Yes," Sirius said gravely. "Moan."

Remus fidgeted uncomfortably, examining a floor board with almost painful intensity. "Sirius, I am not going to moan."

Sirius sighed, putting his hands on his hips and doing a rather convincing impression of Mrs. Potter when she had caught the boys transfiguring birds into flying cheese in their second year. Of course, Remus had just been reading a book pretending that he didn't notice this clear violation of the Underage Wizard Laws, but he'd still been there to hear the lecture. "Well whyever won't you moan, Remus Lupin?"

Remus coughed, trying to muster up as much dignity as one could muster when one was participating in a conversation like this. "Because... Well, it's a rather ridiculous thing to just ask a person to do out of the blue."

"No, it isn't," Sirius scoffed. He then took a deep breath, which of course meant he was about to demonstrate just how easily. Remus tried to get out of the way, but Sirius must have anticipated this for he very suddenly threw himself at Remus, effectively pinning him to the ground.

Remus tried to heave Sirius off him, but it proved to be difficult considering he was also trying to avoid spilling the inkwell on his parchment. "Oh, for the love of-- Sirius, get off me!"

"Oh, but Remus," Sirius said breathily. "I just can't resist your bookish manliness!"

"Try," Remus begged him miserably, twisting uncomfortably beneath Sirius's body which smelled alarmingly of dog food and cologne. "Please, please try."

Sirius then took that opportunity to moan in such a way that made Remus want to wash his brain out with soap and then sterilize it with rubbing alcohol.

"You are truly a vile and disgusting human being," Remus informed him, reaching for the nearby bedpost and dragging himself out from underneath Sirius. "Never do that again."

Sirius flipped around to look at him, languishing on the floor with yet another one of those looks on his face like he was about to do something annoying. "You do realize that your saying that just makes me want to do it all the more, right?"

Remus pulled himself to his feet, brushing all of the dust that had collected itself on his body within those few terrifying seconds. "Don't anyway."

Sirius sighed testily, rolling over on to his back. "You, Remus Lupin, lack fun. It does not exist in your body, which by the way is very pointy and pokes me in very unlikely places. You were born without a funny bone, I'm sure of it."

"Don't be ridiculous," Remus said, realizing seconds later that requesting this was akin to asking the world to please stop turning just so he could have a few more hours of daylight.

"No, it's not in there," Sirius insisted. "I have never seen you accidentally knock your elbow against the table and then launch into a flurry of curses that lands you in detention."

"That could be because I don't treat hitting my elbow as if I've just been gutted and filleted with a rapier," Remus said, walking back over to retake his seat next to the unupset inkwell. He trusted that Sirius had grown bored of molesting him for the time being.

"Just think of how much better your life would be if you did treat hitting your elbow as if you'd just been gutted and filleted with a rapist," Sirius said sagely. "Reflect on that, oh funless one."

"You said rapist on purpose."

"Yes," Sirius nodded. "Yes, I did."

Remus opened his mouth to say something in response, though it was no doubt off topic of the now entirely dead subject and would most likely be about getting back on task, thereby proving that Remus Lupin's body was devoid of fun. However, instead of the intended sentence, out popped a wolf howl.

Sirius was momentarily confused. "Does that just happen when you're in here?"

"It wasn't me," Remus explained, looking over his shoulder to look out the window, the shutters opening and closing with the night winds. A moment later, another howl answered the first. The wolves of the Dark Forest were out and on the prowl.

Sirius scooted closer to Remus, looking out the window with him. "Do you know what they're saying?"

Remus shook his head. "But I can venture a guess. It's either a mating call or it's about food. I'm favoring the former above the latter."

"In the middle of winter?" Sirius asked, referring to the various scarves and things he was still bundled up in.

Remus shrugged. "We beasts have our urges too, you know."

"Liar," Sirius accused, shaking the dust out from his hair.

Remus didn't say anything for a moment, running the quill between the fingers of his left hand. He had a very curious look on his face. His jaw cracked.

"What are you thinking about?" Sirius asked, recognizing the tell-tale sign.

Remus still didn't immediately respond, once again turning his focus to the window and the moon in the night sky. Sirius didn't notice it just at that moment, but Remus was struggling with something. He wanted to tell Sirius something. Actually, he'd wanted to tell Sirius something for awhile now, but he'd never found an opportunity to do so. This seemed like as good a venue as any other. Of course, when he'd first found out, he hadn't been too thrilled to share it with anyone. But at some point, he had decided he would tell Sirius, which was really a very strange choice that made absolutely perfect sense.

It was a few more seconds before Remus said, "Have you ever heard of Fenrir Greyback?"

Sirius had to ponder the name for a minute, but he eventually hit upon the answer. "Isn't he that werewolf that travels around looking for kids to bite? Then he kidnaps them or waits for their parents to abandon them so that he can raise them in the ways of the wild?"

Remus nodded. "That's him."

Sirius continued on, completely missing the way Remus's voice had dropped in pitch and volume. "Yeah, I've heard the aunts and uncles and such talking about him before at Christmas time. Lovely dinner conversation, don't you think? They don't have a fondness for your people in general, though I can't see why. I find you quite cuddly, but who am I to understand my family's preferences. Anyway, they really don't like that Fenrir bloke. I always thought it was a bit off. They usually fall all over themselves for dastardly evildoers and nefarious types. Why do you--"

It was at that moment that Sirius took a good look at Remus and actually saw him. Everything clicked into place. He saw everything with stark clarity, so sharp and true that it made him want to look away and never open his eyes again.

"You mean... Fenrir and... You?"

Remus nodded solemnly, picking up a dust bunny from the floor and rolling it between his thumb and forefinger. "Yeah."

Sirius stared at him, unable to look away no matter what his impulses told him. "I always thought it was... you know, an accident."

"So did I," Remus explained. "My father told me about it this past summer actually. He wouldn't go into exact details, but apparently he offended Greyback in some way. I was his punishment."

Though it wasn't the first time that Sirius had ever been struck dumb in his life, it had the same emotional impact. He swallowed, trying to think of something to say. Still finding himself unable to speak, he scooted closer to Remus.

The two of them sat there for awhile in silence. It was really all Sirius could do for Remus at that point. He could ask him why he'd told him this, how old he'd been, or any number of questions to satisfy his curiosity. However, he could think of nothing that would make this better, probably because there wasn't anything. This was one of those unmendable problems Sirius never would have thought actually existed when he was younger. It was something Remus was still learning to live with. Not just being the werewolf, but the knowledge of how he became one, knowing it wasn't an accident and knowing that it had never been his fault. No doubt Remus had been left with his parents instead of stolen away just to serve as a daily reminder for his father. It must have been terrible for the Lupins every day, but there was nothing Sirius or anyone else could do to ease that pain.

All he could do was sit there, contemplate putting a hand on Remus's shoulder, but losing the nerve every time. It was always so much easier when it didn't mean anything.

"So," Remus said, clearing his throat and turning back to the parchment. "What do I do after moaning sensuously?"

Sirius looked at him for all of half a second before hopping to his feet. He stretched out the kinks in his back before saying, "Let's go back."

Remus looked up, surprised. "Why?"

He shrugged. "We're not making the proper amount of noise to make this trip worthwhile. Besides, my lungs are filling up with dust, and it will absolutely ruin my singing voice if we don't leave immediately.

After a moment, Remus smiled and gathered up his things. "If you say so, Padfoot."

"I'll sing so, if I may."

"No," Remus ordered, already on his way down the stairs.

Sirius ignored him and sung it anyway.