Once More With Feeling

Draco ran his finger down the line of books on the library shelf with a smirk. "Hmmm, I wonder how I can screw up everyone's lives at Hogwarts today?"

His finger stopped on a dusty-looking volume tucked away in a corner. The title read How to Screw Everyone's Lives Up at Hogwarts Today.

"Now this looks promising."

Quickly, Draco slipped the book jacket of another book on top of it and brought the book to Madame Pomfrey to be checked out. Then he hurried to the Slytherin common room to begin plotting.

He turned page after page of the volume. Most of the ideas were fairly boring, such as turning individual members of the castle into bananas or Transfiguring some of the windows into large and evil see-through monsters, plus they took too long to do to everyone. Others were stupid, like getting a large spade and whacking random people on the head with it. Still others were cool but not feasible, such as enchanting the punch so that everyone in the school would lose their magic. Just as he was about to slam the book shut in frustration, he found a passage that made him pause.

One of the oldest and least well-known general curses on an area is not commonly used by decent wizards, but by vampires and demons. This is a curse that is nevertheless very fun for the person who casts it. When cast, everyone in that particular building will spontaneously burst into song while doing everyday things. Because this is the sort of thing that happens in @#*! Muggle musicals the spell is called the Musical Charm, and the words are this: Sound of Music, hear my cry, curse the school before my eyes!

The spell must be performed from a dungeon.

"Bingo," said Draco.

Draco stood up in the mercifully empty common room and raised his wand. "Sound of Music, hear my cry, curse the school before my eyes!"

A bright white light with music notes on it, like music washing over someone in a really bad Muggle cartoon, shot out of his wand and swirled upwards. It soared (though Draco couldn't see it) out a window and encircled the castle. When it touched itself at the top, it dissolved.

Draco lowered his wand. His spell was complete. Time to go for a walk and admire his handiwork.

~~~

Hermione sat on the steps of Hogwarts and sighed.

Harry came out and sat down next to her, looking concerned. "Hermione, what's wrong?"

"Oh..." Hermione sighed again. "It's just..."

She jerked her head, and they began to walk across the grounds. Before she knew what she was doing, Hermione had begun to sing.

Hermione:

Every single day

The same arrangement

I'm the smartest kid in school

Still I always feel

This strange estrangement

Nothing here is real

Nothing here is cool

I've been making shows of what I know

Just hoping no one knows

That I've been

Going through the motions

Walking through the part

Nothing seems to penetrate my heart

I was always smart

And kind of showy

Now I find I'm wavering

Need help with a spell

You'll find this spell just

Doesn't mean a thing.

Random kid walking by:

She ain't got that swing

Hermione:

Thanks for noticing

Various students Hermione has helped:

She does pretty well with spells from hell

But lately we can tell

That she's just

Going through the motions

Faking it somehow

Student:

She's not even half the whiz she--ow...

Hermione:

Will I stay this way forever

Sleepwalk through my life's endeavour

[Hermione flicked her wand almost automatically and stopped a large rock from hitting a student.]

Student:

How can I repay--

Hermione:

--Whatever

I don't want to be

Going through the motions

Losing all my drive

I can't even see if this is really me

And I just want to be

Alive

~~~

Hermione clapped one hand over her mouth. She uncovered it enough to say, "What the hell.....?!"

"Were you just singing?" Harry asked her incredulously.

"Yeah," said Hermione, who was in shock. "This is FREAKY!"

"Well, if it makes you feel better, you have a very lovely singing voice," offered Harry. "Come on, let's get back to the common room."

Up in the common room, Ron looked at them fearfully.

"WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE SINGING????" he shouted.

"That's what we're trying to figure out," said Harry wearily.

The Gryffindors--all of them--began to pace the floor. Finally Ron raised a finger.

Ron:

I've got a theory

That it's a demon

A dancing demon--nah, something isn't right there.

Ginny:

I've got a theory

Some kid is dreaming'

And we're all stuck inside his Sound of Music nightmare.

Colin:

I've got a theory we should work this out

Ginny/Seamus/Colin:

It's getting eerie

What's this cheery singing all about

Colin:

It could be witches

Some evil witches

[Everybody stared at him as he continued]

Which is ridiculous 'cause witches they were persecuted Wicca good and love the earth and woman power and

I'll be over here

Seamus (very excited):

I've got a theory

It could be bunnies

[Everybody stared at him for a minute.]

Dean:

I've got a--

Seamus (still worked up)

Bunnies aren't just cute like everyone supposes

They've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses

And what's with all the carrots

What do they need such good eyesight for anyway

Bunnies, bunnies

It must be bunnies

[Seamus finally noticed everyone staring at him.]

Or maybe midgets

Ginny:

I've got a theory we should work this fast

Ron and Ginny:

Because it clearly could get serious before it's passed

[Harry finally broke in]

Harry:

I've got a theory

It doesn't matter

What can't we face if we're together

What's in this place that we can't weather

Voldemort

We've all been there

Long or short

Why should we care

All Gryffindors together:

What can't we do if we get in it

We'll work it through within a minute

We have to try

We'll pay the price

It's do or die

Harry:

Hey, I've died twice

Group:

What can't we face if we're together

What's in this place that we can't weather

There's nothing we can't face

Seamus:

Except for bunnies...

Okay, I'll shut up now.

~~~

Everybody stared at each other.

"This is weird," said Neville finally.

"I wonder if it's everyone," said Colin thoughtfully, "or just us?"

Everybody stared at him, then rushed for the door.

~~~

Draco walked into the entrance hall, feeling a bit down. As far as he could tell, nothing at all had happened as a result of his musical spell. In the entrance hall, however, he stopped.

The Gryffindors were rushing in from a staircase, but they stopped short. A group of excited house-elves were crowded around one, which Draco recognised as the one his family had once owned. It held a plate high above its head, and the others seemed to be examining it.

The Gryffindors, too, noticed the group of elves surrounding Dobby. They listened as Dobby began with a short, high, squeaky voice.

Dobby:

It got the gravy out!

Other house elves:

It got the gravy out!

~~~

"Yup, it's everybody," said a first year.

Harry automatically turned to Hermione. "Any ideas, 'Mione?"

Hermione thought for a minute, then shook her head. "I honestly haven't had any more ideas than you all did." She looked kind of upset and embarrassed, and she stared down at her feet.

Harry quickly seized the situation. "C'mon, Mione," he said quickly, leading her out to the grounds.

Once they had reached a bench by the lake, Harry took Hermione's hand in his. "Mione, don't be embarrassed. It's my fault; I shouldn't have brought it up. No one person can know everything all the time."

Hermione wiped her eyes and smiled at him. "You're right."

"That's better, isn't it?" said Harry with a small smile. He took Hermione's hand and began to sing.

Harry:

I lived my life in terror

Never a kind word or thought

It didn't seem an error

They did what I thought they ought.

Now I'm bathed in light

Something just isn't right

I'm under your spell

How else could it be

Anyone could care for me

It's magic, I can tell

How you've set me free

Brought me out so easily

I saw a world of darkness

Spiders and dust in the air

I always took for granted

That I would always be there

But your light has shone

Brighter than any I'd known

I'm under your spell

Nothing I could do

I just want to be with you

You worked your charm so well

Finally I knew

Everything I dreamed was true

You made me believe

[He drew a heart in the air with glittering pink sparks from his wand. Hermione raised her own and drew a large heart enclosing their names in multicoloured sparks. Harry grinned at her.]

The moon to the tide:

"I can feel you inside"

I'm under your spell

Climbing like the sea

Sitting here, just you and me

I sigh with every swell

Lost in ecstasy

Here beneath this cherry tree

You make me complete

You make me complete

You make me complete

You make me complete

~~~

He leaned in, Hermione's face cupped in one hand, when a voice called from the castle.

"HARRY! THAT OWL OF YOURS IS BEING ATTACKED BY A CAT!"

"Oh, no!" cried Harry. "I'll be right back, Hermione." He was off like a shot.

Hermione watched him go. She returned to the building and almost bumped smack into Ginny.

"Something wrong, Ginny?" she asked, helping the little girl stand up again.

"Well...yeah," admitted Ginny, "and it's more than the singing problem." She jerked her head down a corridor, and they began to walk.

Down a different corridor, Colin and Harry, who had run into Colin after rescuing Hedwig, were walking in the same direction as the girls, though they didn't know it.

Ginny pulled a picture of Colin out of her pocket and looked at it as she began.

Ginny:

This is the boy that I plan to be dating

Isn't he fine?

My claim to fame is the one that I'm hating

That diary of mine

But I'm out of the biz

The name I made I'll trade for his

The only trouble is--

I'll never tell.

[Colin pulled a picture of Ginny out of his pocket and stared at it as he sang to Harry.]

Colin:

She is the one, she's such wonderful fun

Such passion and grace

Warm in the night when I'm right in her tight--

Embrace, tight embrace

I'll never let her go

The love we've known can only grow

There's just one thing that--no

I'll never tell.

[Both groups--boys and girls--found themselves standing opposite each other in front of a large marble corridor lined with suits of armour.]

Ginny/Colin:

'Cause there's nothing to tell

Ginny:

He snores

Colin:

She wheezes

Ginny:

Say "homework" and he freezes

Colin:

She eats these nasty cheeses that I can't get near

Ginny:

I talk, he breezes

Colin:

She doesn't know what "please" is

Ginny:

His hands have got diseases from a place I fear

Ginny/Colin:

The vibe gets kind of scary

Colin:

Like she thinks I'm ordinary

Ginny:

Like it's all just temporary

Colin:

Like her toes are kind of hairy

Ginny/Colin:

But it's all very well,

'Cause God knows I'll never tell.

Ginny:

When things get scary

He hides behind his Harry

Now look, he's strangling air-y

'Cause he knows that I know

Colin:

She clings, she's needy

She's also very greedy

She ne--

Ginny:

His eyes are beady

Colin:

This is my verse, hello?

She--

[Ginny began to do a ridiculous kind of swing dance.]

Ginny:

Look at me! I'm dancin' crazy!

[Colin caught her in a dip, and the two began to swing around the hall. Hermione raised an eyebrow at Harry but said nothing. Finally, they slowed down a little, almost like a waltz.]

Colin/Ginny:

You know

Colin:

You're quite the charmer

Ginny:

My knight in armour

Colin:

You're the cutest of the scoobies

With your hair as red as rubies

And your firm yet supple tight embrace.

[They waltzed a little more, then returned to the person they'd come with.]

Ginny:

He's swell

Colin:

She's sweller

Ginny:

He'll always be my feller

Colin:

That's why I'll never tell her that I'm 'petrified' {A mischievous reference to the time she, under Tom Riddle's spell, Petrified Colin}

[The groups began to hurry down their corridors.]

Ginny:

I've read this tale

There's dating then betrayal

I know that come the date I'll want to run and hide

Colin/Ginny:

I lied

I said it's easy

I've tried

But there are fears I can't quell

Colin (pulling a few Knuts--all he has--out of his pocket):

Is she looking for a pot of gold?

Ginny (catching sight of a mirror):

Will I look good when I get too old?

Colin (pocketing the change):

Will our lives become to stressful if I'm never that successful?

Ginny (turning away from the mirror):

When I get so worn and wrinkly that I look like Christy Brinkley

Colin:

Am I crazy?

Ginny:

Am I dreamin'?

Colin:

Am I gonna date a demon?

Ginny/Colin:

We could really raise the beam in making dating a hell

So thank got I'll never tell.

I swear that I'll never tell.

Colin:

My lips are sealed.

Ginny:

I take the fifth

Whatever that means

Colin (to a passing ghost):

Nothing to see

Move it along

Colin/Ginny:

I'll never

[They come face-to-face in a junction of the corridors]

Tell

~~~

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were talking as they walked around the lake. "I don't know what could've caused it, or who could've caused it," Hermione said. "But there's another problem too. Someone spontaneously combusted--it was a Muggle."

"What do you mean?" said Ron, looking at her.

"Well, I saw this Muggle, and like I said, he had exploded. I got a look while the teachers were doing their number. It looked like he exploded from the inside."

Meanwhile, in the background, a young student stood with a teacher.

Young Ravenclaw:

I've been having a bad, bad day

Come on, won't you put that quill away

I'm asking you please no

It isn't right, it isn't fair

There was no teacher anywhere

I think that statue wasn't there

Why can't you let it go?

I think I've paid more than my share

I'm just a Ravenclaw, don't you care?

Hey, I'm not wearing underwear...

~~~

Harry stared at Hermione. "You're right," he said suddenly. "So we've just got to keep ourselves free of emotion..."

Draco stepped out of the bushes as they hurried up to the castle. He opened his mouth and began to sing.

*****************************

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING PROBLEMS WITH THE TECHNICAL EQUIPMENT. WE ARE PUSHING ALL THE FIX-IT BUTTONS IN HOPES THAT THIS WILL HELP. THEY ARE NOW ALL STUCK. DAMN IT. WE ARE NOW SLAPPING THE MACHINE, MUCH IN THE SAME WAY A BAD HOME MECHANIC WOULD IN ATTEMPTING TO FIX YOUR OWN TELEVISION.

THE EQUIPMENT IS NOW WORKING. THAT'S ONE FOR THE BAD HOME FIX-IT MAN! WE RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMME AND APOLOGISE FOR ANY SONGS YOU MAY HAVE MISSED, UNLESS OF COURSE DRACO MALFOY WAS SINGING. IN THAT CASE YOU WILL BLESS US ETERNALLY BECAUSE HE HAS A VOICE LIKE SOMEONE TORTURING A CAT WITH THE MOOING OF A DYING COW IN THE BACKGROUND, WITH A CHORUS OF RUSTY GATES THROWN IN THERE SOMEWHERE.

****************************

Draco sighed as he finished singing.

***WE TOLD YOU IT WAS DRACO. YOU CAN THANK US LATER***

***Yes, yes, yes. Now get off of my computer screen. You fixed it all***

Draco cocked his head upwards. "Hey, who are you?"

***I'm the narrator***

***AND I'M THE REALLY COOL HOME FIX-IT GUY***

***See? There is in actuality only one of him, not plural. Really cool my arse***

"Hey," said Draco angrily. "Aren't you the reason all these people didn't get to hear me sing?"

***UM, NO. THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT***

"And you told them I sing like Yoko Ono backed up by rusty gates?"

***NO, I SAID YOU SOUNDED LIKE SOMEONE TORTURING A CAT WITH THE MOOING OF A DYING COW IN THE BACKGROUND, WITH A CHORUS OF RUSTY GATES THROWN IN THERE SOMEWHERE. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE***

"Not much of one."

***PHOEY ON YOU***

"Pooh head."

***YOU DESERVE TO HAVE YOUR SINGING CUT OUT. YOU SOUND HORRIBLE. AND YOUR MOTHER LOOKS LIKE THE BACK END OF A BUS***

"Come down here and say that to my face!"

***NO WAY. YOU MUST HAVE INHERITED HER LOOKS. BESIDES, SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOT DUNG UNDER HER NOSE***

"Stop insulting my mother, you sad-arsed scumbag!"

***Hey, you guys, can we stop fighting? You took away almost all of my dramatic build-up. In a minute I'll have to start Hermione's next song, whether you guys are finished fighting or not. And Hermione will be very pissed if you take up her song slot***

"See? You made the narrator upset!"

***YOU HELPED***

"Did not!"

***DID TOO***

"Did not!"

***DID TOO***

***Shut up, or I'll write you both out of this story. You're going to annoy Hermione and the readers. Not to mention myself***

"Sorry, Miss Nice Narrator Person."

***HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE'S A MISS? ***

***Okay, now you're deliberately provoking him***

***SORRY***

***Apology accepted. Damn it, now I'll have to cut straight to Hermione's song! ***

Hermione was leaning on the windowsill, thoughtfully watching Draco Malfoy argue with people who weren't really there.

***HEY, WE'RE REAL! ***

***If you don't zark off, you won't be much longer***

Hermione shook her head and began to sing.

Hermione:

Would anybody even notice

Could anybody even care--

~~~

There was a noise behind her. Hermione turned around--and disappeared.