A Snape and Potter Sing-Along

Presenting an adaptation of the recording Bert & Ernie Sing-Along (CTW 1975) into Harry Potter. Casting Severus Snape as Bert and Harry Potter as Ernie. Brought to you by the irrational number pi and the phoneme (kw) for kwazy. Bert & Ernie Sing-Along transcribed by Brian Fennell ([email protected])

Snape and Potter Sing-Along:

Severus Snape is taking a bath. Watery sounds. Snape: (sings to the tune of Rubber Duckie) Rubber snakelet, you're the one. You make bath time lots of fun. (speaks) Aaah, I love taking my bath. All alone, peace and quiet.

Somebody knocks on the door. Harry Potter opens the door. Harry: Hullo, Professor Snape.

Snape: Potter, will you close the door and get out? You're making a draft.

Potter: Just one moment, Professor Snape.

Snape: Pot...Potter, what are you do -- You can't push a piano through the bathroom door!

Harry: Of course I can, Snape. Watch! Hyauuh! [Grunt, bump, grunt, tinkle, KA-bump] Harry successfully pushes an upright piano through the bathroom door, into the bathroom.

Snape: Potter, what the devil are you doing putting a piano into my bathroom?

Harry: It's for the sing-along!

Snape: What sing-along -- Potter, you cannot conduct a sing-along in my bathroom!

Harry: Of course I can! I heard you singing in the bath, and so I thought I would just come in and sing along.

Snape: I don't want you to sing along! I want you to get out!

Harry: Oh, come off it, Snape. Everybody sounds better singing in the bathroom.

Snape: I do not want the piano in here, Potter!

Harry: What's a sing-along without a piano?

Snape: It's ME, that's what it is! Alone!

Harry: (starts playing the piano) Listen to that, Snape.

Snape: Stop that playing.

Harry: Doesn't that sound nice?

Snape: Stop it right now!

Harry: Doesn't it make you want to sing?

Snape: It makes me want to see you out of here!

Harry: No, Snape. Listen. (sings) Professor Snape...

Snape: What?

Harry: It's so much fun.

SS: No, it's not.

HP: I know you'll like it,

SS: I won't like it.

HP: Once you've begun.

SS: I won't begin. Potter, I have to wash my nose, I have to scrub my toes.

HP: We, Snape,

SS: What?

HP: could have a ball,

SS: Absolutely not!

HP: If I could get you to sing at all.

SS: NO! (speaks in rhythm, almost singing) I refuse to sing along, I won't. So please don't ask me if I want to, for I don't. Although for you I would do almost nothing, Most particularly, I do not want to sing.

Harry (sings): Come on, Snape, it would make me happy if you'd start to sing a snappy little number that would bounce you right along.

Snape (spoken): No.

Harry: Like "Farmer in the Dell," or "McGonagall Had a Farm," or maybe "What's the Name of That Song?"

Snape (spoken): No!

Harry: So if you'd use your voice you'll love it that you have a voice, and even if the notes you sing are wrong --

Snape: POTTER!

Harry: You'd do a favor for us if you'd lift your voice in chorus for a swinging sing-along song. Plays chords at forte.

Harry and Snape simultaneously repeat the singing/speech to the accompaniment of the piano.

Harry: Oh, come on, Snape!

Snape: No!

Harry: Just one or two?

Snape: NO!

Harry: We'll sing together!

Snape: Aaagh!

Harry: Just me and you!

Snape (in rhythm): No! I refuse to sing along. That's IT. And in the bathtub? It's ridiculous! I QUIT! That's that! That's THAT! Harry plays a glissando here, and stops playing .

Snape: Now go away, Potter. Go on. Take your piano and get out of here. Just go away and leave me alone.

Ron and Hermione show up at this point.

Ron: Lalalala! I say, Harry, the acoustics are great in here!