Harry Potty Goes Dotty

She sat upon one of the cushy, oversized chairs in the Gryffindor common room. Her left hand lay on the arm of the chair, while the right absentmindedly rubbed her stomach. All of a sudden her brother whom she had attempted to avoid all day appeared in front of her with two glasses of wine in his hands.

"Isn't it wonderful? We won Quidditch house cup! And I snuck in some alcohol; here, you take one!" he said and offered her a glass of wine.

"I cannot drink it! I have to go now, and pray..." she said.

"PRAY?! BUT WE ARE PROTESTANT!!!" he exclaimed.

"OH RONALD!!! YOU HAVE MADE ME CRACK!" she explained.

The yelling had attracted the attention of the entire Gryffindor common room and now they were all staring in her direction....

"I AM HAVING A BABY! AND IT JUST ISNT ANY BABY...IT'S JESUS'S BABY!" she yelled dramatically and fled.

Ron flopped into the chair Ginny had just vacated and gasped in shock.

"I can't believe it! She's at it again!!"

Hermione and Harry then entered the room riding piggyback on top of each other.

"What's happening, guys?" said Harry from atop Hermione's shoulders. "Yeah? What's happening?" wheezed Hermione.

Ron just buried his head in his hands and sighed. "Ginny is claiming to be the next Virgin Mary again. She used to do it until the age of seven, but we'd thought she'd gotten over it. Something must have triggered this sudden psychological relapse..."

Hermione crossed her arms across her chest in thought, causing Harry to fall to the ground ungracefully.

"Perhaps..." said Hermione. "Perhaps she has been sexually assaulted?" she queried.

"Or maybe she has been possessed by Voldemort?" supplied Harry.

Ron shook his head sadly. "No, guys... this is something much bigger... I think that Ginny has been SMOKING GILLYWEED AND SLEASING AROUND THE HOG'S HEAD EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT!"

* * *

They titled their plan "Flag down the lesbians and get into birth," though Hermione and Harry were unsure of how this title was even remotely related to Ginny's pregnancy. However, Ron assured them that it was. So the plan went underway. Hermione would start off every morning by sneaking into the girls' lavatory where Ginny showered and watching her. She would watch her every move, carefully observing any symptoms of pregnancy. Harry would then discreetly follow Ginny to every single one of her classes. And Ron would be the one to complete the plan by spending the whole entire night "watching" Ginny "Sleep."

Soon though, Hermione began to suspect that nothing was really physically different about Ginny. After about four weeks of spying on her every action, she and Harry came up to Ron, who had a pair of omnioculars in his hand and was peering at her on the Quidditch field.

"Ron, we think that this should stop," said Hermione.

"YEAH!" said Harry. "Though I do like the part where we follow her around."

"HARRY, you DUMBASS. That's the part that we DON'T LIKE!" Hermione shrieked, slapping his back.

"Oh yeah."

Ron just kept looking through the omnioculars.

"Anyways, we think this whole claim of Ginny's is just a ploy for attention...."

At that moment Ron looked up. "Hey!" he said. "Don't go insulting my sister!! She's done nothing bad to you," he said defensively.

He then got up and stormed off in his sister direction. "Well he's mad," said Harry, "And when he's mad you know how that makes me feel," he said raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"Harry I am not in the mood to bring out the whip and hand cuffs" said Hermione.

"Pleeeaaassee??" he said pulling out his pouty lip.

"Later Pig Muffin," said Hermione giving Harry a firm slap on the ass.

Meanwhile, a commotion was going on in the Quidditch pitch....

Out on the pitch, there seemed to be a large crowd of people gathering. Hermione and Harry's faces paled as they dashed down the halls of Hogwarts trying to see what was going on.

"COULD IT BE VOLDEMORT IS ATTACKING MUGGLEBORNS?!" Hermione shrieked, running faster.

"Oh NO!" wailed Harry. "What if they're selling Pop Tarts, and by the time we get there, they run out!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and pushed him down a flight of stairs.

Meanwhile, she raced outside to the Quidditch pitch, meeting a sight that left her absolutely gob-smacked. Draco Malfoy was giving a live demonstration on how to use female diaphragms.

Hermione was so incredibly excited to watch Draco continue to show off his knowledge of sexual method and technique that she nearly choked in anticipation. When she arrived back on the pitch, he was holding up several unusual objects with names like "JiggleMaster 3000" and "Vibraldo the Third" and asking for volunteers.

"Oooh! OOh! PICK ME!!" shouted Hermione above the din of screaming, lusty girls and Justin Finch-Fletchley.

"Okay.. I will choose... hmm... HERMIONE GRANGER!"

Hermione did a little happy dance as she stripped down to her panties and bra - which were both voluminous and flowing. The other girls started to cry, one of them being Cho Chang.

"Okay Hermione," said Draco. "I want you to step behind this curtain - a curtained little room appeared out of nowhere - "and we're going to let everyone else listen to how good these products are."

Hermione scrambled behind the sheet. Immediately, Draco followed her. "Okay, so this is how it works." He flipped a switch and a humming, buzzing sound started.

"HHAHAHAHAHA! That tickles!" yelled Hermione, kicking Draco in the face. "

OWWWW!" he howled, clutching his nose in pain. "You broke by doss! You bloody mudblood! By beautiful face!!!!!" he screamed, running away crying. All of the other girls gaped as he ran into the Forbidden Forest and immediately re-emerged on top of a centaur, wearing a wedding ring and carrying a sign on his haunches that said, "JUST MARRIED."

Meanwhile, Harry had taken a life-threatening fall.

He landed in a very unnatural position and he stayed like that for three hours until...

"HARRY!" HARRY YOU MISSED IT, oh my god! He did this diaphragm thing...and... Oh my god... Draco is so sexy... I mean...like I think I need to loose some weight for him... he is just like so hot...and then when he looked at me I like passed out and I woke up and he was showing everyone the Christian ways of birth control...I mean no wonder every girl in the H-dot is pregnant..."

"Ghksgj," said Harry.

"I can't understand you, speak up," said Hermione,"

"FHJFGSH!" said Harry.

"Pig Muffin I can't --- PIG MUFFIN AHH! HOW DID YOU GET INTO THIS POSITION?" she cried, flipping him the right way as best as she could.

"You pushed me down a flight of stairs!" said Harry, answering her question. "I think I need to go to the hospital wing, will you carry me? " he asked, tears streaming down his face.

"Well... I mean... I would but Draco is still out there and... Sorry Harry..." and with that she ran back outside.

For the second time that day, Harry Potter found himself in an awkward position on a stone cold floor. Carefully he lifted himself up from the ground and crab walked to the hospital wing. Upon arriving Harry noticed a large crowd around the infirmary doors.

"What's going on?" he questioned, yelling loudly from his position on the floor.

"Someone's giving birth!" said a voice from the crowd. Just then Madam Pomfrey emerged from the hospital wing, she was covered in dark green goop.

"OH MY GOD! PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL HAS JUST GIVEN BIRTH TO SNAPE'S LOVE CHILD!" someone shrieked.

Harry gasped and unpretzled himself. "What the hell is happening?" he screamed as he ran into the room. A weird, wrinkled, greasy-haired black thing was rolling around in between McGonagall's knees. And it wasn't her newborn baby. "Severus, get out of her crotch! You'll strangle yourself on the placenta!"

Harry was revolted, yet slightly intrigued by the scene that lay before him. He stood still in wonderment. "Potter!" croaked Prof, McGonagall from her place on the bed. Harry broke out of his reverie, "I need you to help Severus, he needs to get deeper."

Everyone in the room (including Harry) vomited. Now the room smelt like bile. "OH YES!" moaned Minerva," THAT SMELL IS INTOXICATING! TAKE ME! TAKE ME NOW!"

Just then Draco Malfoy barged in singing the Christmas song "Grandma Got run over by a Reindeer." When he got to the line, "Hoof prints on her forehead and claw marks on her back," he pointed enthusiastically to his backside. Everyone looked, noticed that he was not wearing a shirt, and saw that on his pale skin there were stark hoof prints all over his milky skin.

Everyone was about to say something when the infirmary started to crumble and they all had to evacuate Hogwarts. Once outside they noticed that none other then Saint Nicholas himself had appeared on their roof.

"HO, HO, HO!" he cried. "YOU HAVE ALL BEEN VERY, VERY NAUGHTY THIS YEAR, MWAHAHAHAHHAAAH"

"So naughty that it's... nice?" queried Harry, poking up one of his eyebrows with one finger, as he could not do it himself.

"Well, what do you think?" asked the red-coated Santa.

"I think that you put on those little white gloves for a reason, baby!" said Cho Chang, doing a little spin and toppling obviously into his arms. "Pudgy stomachs turn me on, hot baloney. Stick it to me!"

And so Santa brought out a little elf hat, placed it on Cho's bottom, and made passionate love to her like a donkey and a mule.

"Well, there goes our chance at presents again this year!" pouted Hermione. "Once he's done, all he'll want is cookies and warm cream, IF you know what I mean."

"So now let's play SPIN THE BOTTLE!" said Harry, sashaying his hips and doing the Macarena.

"You mean the LIMBO?" someone shouted.

"No! It's the bottle! The Bottle! I'm the man! Shut the door! SHUT THE DOOR!" Harry promptly fainted and a spin the bottle popped out of his bum like a hen laying an egg.

"I guess we should do what Harry suggested before he died. It's what he always wanted..." said Ron, picking up the Spin-the-Bottle and looking at Hermione with a dreamy look in his eyes.

Harry made a sound that resembled a cork being popped out of a wine bottle.

"But Ron," said Hermione. "He isn't dead." And upon realizing this herself, she turned to the sky and said "Oh joyous day! We are all saved, for my bum cheeks are singing God Save the Queen!"

Ron was completely unfazed by her sudden declaration and dipped a gingersnap cookie into her eyeball. "OW! My retina!" she shrieked, running around in a circle and flapping her arms.

Ginny ripped the bottle from her brother's hands and spun it wildly. Everyone rushed to form a circle, sitting on the ground. It spun fast at first and gradually slowed to a drunken sort of twirl. Eagerly, Dean licked his lips and prayed to be chosen as Neville discreetly did the same, drooling a little.

It stopped on Luna.

"Um... I think we should spin again," said Luna, laughing.

"NO WE SHOULDN'T!" yelled Draco and Ron together. "Gimme some of that kinda action, honey-elbows!" cried Zacharias Smith, spanking himself rapidly.

"NEXT!" said Hermione, diverting the attention away from the two girls. She spun the bottle... and it landed straight on Hannah Abbott.

"Okay, that is a disqualification. NEXT!" Hannah looked a bit disappointed, but everyone ignored her.

Parvati Patil then spun the bottle and it landed on her sister. "OKAY, WHO CHARMED THE SPIN-THE-BOTTLE?!!" screamed Hermione.

"Why, I did of course, Honeylamb," said Harry gently, sucking on a piece of her hair. "I couldn't have you kissing any BOYS in my leave of absence, now could I?"

"Harry, you were gone for about three seconds."

"AND who knows what nasty things those boys could've done. Like..." they all waited expectantly for him to continue.

They could have ripped off your underwears and used them for nets on the Quidditch post goals!" volunteered Neville.

"They could have tied you up and used you in one of Draco's demonstrations!" shouted Padma Patil.

"They could've performed the IMMACULATE CONCEPTION on you, just like it was done to me!" crowed Ginny, stamping her feet in a war dance. "And now you can join my club, the VIRGIN BIRTHS! Membership is free this week only!" and she looked around with shifty eyes, expecting people to jump out at her to sign up.

"Annnnnnd now I think we should go make some muffins, babe." said Harry, closing his eyes and poking his fingers up Hermione's armpits.

"You mean, buns?" said Neville.

"Huh?" said Harry.

"You obviously want to go sneak off somewhere to go put a bun in her oven, DUH!" said Neville, rolling his eyes and applying a layer of deodorant.

"Riiiiiiight."

All of a sudden, Marvin of Marvin Gardens popped out of the ground like a prairie dog.

"Hello, Boys and Girls," he said, in a voice that was obviously a girl trying to impersonate a deep voiced man. "My name's Marvin and I am going to tell you a little story. It involves a little boy named Albus Dumbledore, his brother, and a feisty goat. But first, I think we should say goodbye..."

Everyone got into a large circle and held hands, swaying and singing a lovely little tune:

"I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME!

"LET'S ALL GO AND SHAG HAR-RY!"

"WITH A GREAT BIG SNOG AND A SPIN-THE-BOTTLE TOO!"

"FIRST DIBS ON HIS FRON-TAL HALF!"

"Wait, that doesn't rhyme!" cried Hermione, but she was lost in the mad mob rushing for the nearest closet, carrying Harry Potter high above their heads.

The End...Or is it?

Yes, Yes it is. Go away now.