The Ancient and Most Romantic House of Black

Pairing: Ron Weasley/Hermione Granger, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, and Draco Malfoy/Dudley Dursley (Half the people reading this just did a double take and said, "WTF?!").

Note: A friend of mine challenged me to write weird ships that hardly anyone writes because she's sure there are frustrated shippers out there who find that their ship is under-represented. So, all you Dudley/Draco shippers, I salute you. Also, if anyone has an odd ship that's rarely written that they'd like to see here, by all means, send it my way and I'll try to write you something.

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"The Ancient and Most Romantic BlackPart 4"

By Kaci JaBeth

The next morning, I woke to a loudly snoring Dudley. He had his fat arm draped over my middle, his head just above my left ear. I shifted around, trying to free myself from his grip, but it was no use. I couldn't move without waking him up. So I lay there, thinking things through while I listened to his snores.

Okay, so I had kissed him. I had also spent the night spooning with him. And I distinctly remembered being happy about the whole thing last night. So why did I suddenly feel like there was a giant hole in my gut? I knew it was wrong. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have let myself be sucked into it. He was probably still a little drunk and I just didn't know it. Why had I done that? Why...

I was brought out of my thoughts by Dudley snorting loudly and waking up. "Huh? Oh, good morning," he smiled and leaned down to kiss me on the lips.

I turned my head away so that he only got my cheek. "Yeah, well, uh, I'm going to the bathroom," I said and jumped out of his grip and sprinted out of the room.

I ran past Harry and Ginny on their way downstairs.

"Morning," Harry called as I ran past.

I blushed like mad. Did he know? Of course not. How could he? Right?

I kept running until I got to the bathroom. I sprinted in, sealed the door and leaned against it, panting. What had I done? Everything was going fine. We were having fun, we were becoming friends, and then we were snogging. It just didn't make sense. What was worse, I now had a completely solid erection.

"Quidditch, cold showers, McGonagall, Dobby..." I repeated to myself. Sure enough, my erection was slowly abating. "Thank God," I muttered.

I wanted to hide in the bathroom all day, but there was a knock at the door. It was no good; I'd have to face things eventually. I unlocked the door and opened it to let them in. Ron walked in, looking disheveled and happy.

"Sorry about snapping at you last night," he said.

"It's all right. What was going on, anyway?"

"Well, me and Hermione were spending some...um...quality time together."

I can not tell you how weird it was to be in the bathroom, having a conversation while with Ronald Weasley, while both of us were wearing pajamas, about him having sex with Granger.

"Congratulations," I said, trying my best to feign interest.

"Thanks. She's so great," he smiled dreamily, then snapped back to reality. "So, how did chess with Dudley go?"

Was he implying something with that remark? Did he know something? How did everyone know!?

Panicking, I said, "Uh...good. I won."

"I figured you would."

"Yeah...weird thing though, the pieces moved for him. The magic must be in the actual pieces."

"I could've told you that, but I was a bit busy just then," he grinned broadly.

"Yeah, well, see you at breakfast."

"See ya."

I shuffled out of the bathroom and back to my room. Dudley was sitting on his bed, leaning against the wall, under the covers, though he had changed into one of the robes I'd given him.

"Hey," I said.

"Hi," he rose and crossed the room.

I turned my back to him. He wrapped his arms around me from behind and kissed my neck. I pushed him away.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Listen, about what happened..."

"It was awesome, wasn't it?" he smiled.

"Well, it was nice," I agreed. "But...we can't do it anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because, it's just...weird. I mean...you're Harry's cousin. You're a Muggle...and you're a boy."

"So?"

"I...I'm not like that."

"You sure seemed like you were last night when you were on top of me, snogging!" he yelled.

"Shh!" I growled. "You want the whole bloody house to hear you?"

"What? Afraid your freaky little friends will find out you're a fucking ponce?"

"I told you, I'm not gay. And I don't care what anyone thinks..." It wasn't exactly the truth, but it wasn't a lie either.

"So...you just want to forget about last night?"

"I'm saying...it was...an experiment."

"You said it meant something."

"Well, I've had time to think it over, and it doesn't."

"How...what...you..." he looked so helpless.

Every fiber of my being wanted to reach out to him. To take him in my arms. To hug him. To...oh God, to kiss him. Where on earth were these urges coming from? I fought against them. It was similar to fighting off the Imperius, actually. Except in this case, it was me versus me.

"Just...just..." I trailed off. I had to fight it. I had to fight it. I had to fight it. I repeated this mantra to myself. I repeated it as he stepped forward so close that I could feel his breath tickling my lips. I repeated it as he put his arms around me. I repeated it as he kissed me again. I repeated it as I kissed back. I repeated it when my erection came back. I tried to repeat it when his hand teased at my cock through my pajamas, but I couldn't. It felt too good. He was steering me back to his bed. His hands were everywhere, I couldn't stop him, couldn't have if I wanted to...But I didn't want to. That was just the problem. I wanted this. I was letting him do this to me.

He pulled my top off over my shoulders and pushed me down onto the bed. He lay down next to me and trailed his fingers down my chest. He followed the smooth plane down to my waist, stopping at the top of my trousers. He paused for a moment, then hooked his fingers beneath them and started to slowly, agonizingly, pull them down, taking my underwear with them.

As I lay there, naked and exposed on his bed, all thoughts of stopping him were gone from my mind. My old mantra was completely forgotten, replaced by a new one. Faster, harder, more. Faster, harder, more. Faster, harder, more.

He stared at me a moment. "What do I do?" he asked, motioning to my cock.

I raised a brow. God, he was so innocent. How could I do this with an innocent kid? He didn't know what the hell he was doing, but oh God, his hands were resting on my inner thighs, and I didn't really care how naïve he was. All I cared about was getting my sweet release. "Oh, you know...same thing you do to yours, I suppose."

He gently took my cock in one hand and used the other to trail one finger delicately around the base.

I shuddered. "Oh, shit."

"Like that?" he asked.

"Yeah, that's good."

He moved his finger up to the head and traced slow, agonizing, delicate circles around the tip, watching my face as I moaned.

"Should I...you know?" he asked and leaned down.

"Oh, fuck yes," I muttered.

He licked his lips and timidly licked at the head.

Oh shit. I was in trouble, and I knew it. I couldn't stop, but I couldn't go on, and if I did, I'd never be able to put an end to the...whatever this thing we had going was. I wouldn't be able to. It was felt too good. Not only did it feel good, but knowing that he was so sweet and innocent only made it sexier. I was practically defiling the boy.

When he took me in his mouth, I thought I was going to die of pleasure. The combined force of his tight throat muscles closing around the head, his tongue running along the underside, and the way his breath was ghosting my blonde hair was just killing me. There was no way I could handle this. I was going to come any moment...I couldn't control myself, I was moaning his name over and over and over and everything was so...

How the hell did he get that good? I came hard, and he pulled his mouth away just in time. The sticky semen squirted onto the otherwise clean sheets. I lay there, sticky and sweaty, unable to move or to talk or to even have a coherent thought.

"Glad to see you liked it." I could hear the smirk in Dudley's voice.

"That was..." I finally managed to say, "amazing...oh, God, Dudley..."

I leaned over and kissed him.

"Not gay, huh?" he smirked even more evilly.

I could definitely see why Harry compared us.

"So...maybe I am," I said with a shrug. "I just...I honestly didn't think..."

Dudley put a finger to my lips. "Shh. You panicked. That's fine. Now, get dressed and we'll go have breakfast. And no, I won't grope you in front of Harry or those weird friends of his."

I did a Scourgify on the bed and threw on a clean robe. Dudley and I started to head downstairs when Mr. Dursley came out of a room towards the end of the corridor and headed for the bathroom. "You stay away from my son, you nutter," he muttered as he passed us.

When he was out of earshot, I turned to Dudley. "Do you think he knows?" I gasped.

"Of course not. He just hates all wizards."

"You hate all wizards."

"Well, I learned that from my father. But you know that sometimes, you can decide that you don't like your father's way of doing things, so then you go and do them your own way."

He had a good point.

The two of us walked downstairs and into the kitchen. As usual, Mrs. Weasley was humming to herself while cooking up some delicious smelling bacon and eggs. "Oh, hello, Draco," she said to me when we entered. "Hello, Dudley."

"Morning," I smiled. "Anything I can do to help?"

"Oh, no, that's quite all right dear. It'll be ready in just a moment."

I sat down next to Ginny, who was currently staring into Harry's eyes and humming "Harry is My King." I laughed quietly and turned to Dudley. He was looking quite disgusted as Harry started whispering sweet words into Ginny's ear.

"Here you are," Mrs. Weasley said as she sat plates down in front of Dudley and me, then turned to get plates for Harry and Ginny as well. "I wonder where Ron and Hermione are? I haven't seen them since after dinner last night."

"They're probably just catching up," I said and took a sip of my orange juice, trying desperately to appear as though I didn't know anything.

"Well, they better get down and have a spot of breakfast before the eggs get cold." She went to the bottom of the stairs and we heard her call, "Ron! Hermione! Breakfast is ready!"

Ron and Hermione came running downstairs a few moments later, looking flushed. I fought to contain my laughter.

"Sorry mum. I was just uh...showing Hermione my room. You know, since all those pictures..." he trailed off.

Mrs. Weasley didn't look like she bought his story, but she simply handed them each a plate and didn't say a word.

After a few moments of silence, Tonks came in.

"Wotcher, Harry," she said.

"Morning," he replied.

"Hey, can you help me sometime today? I found this old chest upstairs and I think it may have a couple of boggarts in there. Sounds like at least two of them. Maybe Ron and Draco can come help too? I'd do it myself, but I can't handle all of them at once."

"Sure," Harry replied.

"Okay," I said.

"Yeah, no problem," Ron smiled.

"Thanks," she said. "After breakfast then?"

"Sure," we all replied.

After we'd finished eating, Ginny and Hermione disappeared into their room, giggling and gossiping. Harry, Ron, Dudley, and I followed Tonks into a room on the top floor.

"What's he doing?" Tonks whispered to me as we entered the room, motioning to Dudley.

"I don't know. Maybe he just wants to see it."

"Well, keep him away from it."

"Okay," I said. "Dudley, you better stand over there," I told him, motioning to the far corner of the room. "You don't have a wand, so...best not to get near it."

"What does it do?" he asked, sounding scared.

"Well, it turns into whatever you're most afraid of."

"Yeah, when they see me, they'll turn into spiders," Ron shuddered.

The four of us lined up, facing the chest. Dudley stood on the far side of the room, watching.

"Ready?" Tonks asked, raising her wand.

"Yes," the three of us replied.

"Okay, on three then...one...two...three." She pointed her wand at the chest and it flew open.

Slowly, one by one, out came six boggarts. They all turned to face us. The first, looking at Tonks, was the Dark Lord. The second, facing Ron, was a large black spider with huge fangs. The third was a Dementor, attempting to stare Harry down. The fourth was looking at me and had become my father. There was also a second spider and another Lucius.

Tonks cowered for a moment, then aimed her wand at her boggart and said "Riddikulus!" It suddenly had the head of Hermione's ugly orange cat and it began to meow loudly.

Ron, meanwhile, had given both of his spiders tea cozies for hats and removed their legs.

Harry was retreating farther and farther against the wall, his face contorted in inner struggle. When he hit the door, he yelled, "Expecto Patronum!" at it to make it retreat. When it had moved far enough back, he stopped the Patronus and yelled "Riddikulus!" at it before it could continue its work. Its black robes turned bright purple and it suddenly had a tiara on its head.

I aimed and said the incantation, giving my father green hair and turning his skin blue. He stared at me for a moment, then when my laughter hit him, he disappeared.

Ron had laughed enough to make both of his spiders go away, and Harry's Dementor had disappeared. They had both gone to help Tonks, who was having trouble laughing at You-Know Who.

But when I turned to face my second Lucius, it was gone. Instead, Harry was walking slowly, purposefully, his wand raised, towards Dudley, who was cowering in the corner. I did a double take. There, Harry was on the other side of the room, assisting Tonks and Ron, and there, heading towards Dudley, was another Harry.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

The boggart that had turned into Lucius when it saw me had gone for Dudley instead. I aimed for his back and yelled "Riddikulus!" Suddenly, Harry's hair went blonde and grew long, down to his waist. His Muggle jeans and t-shirt changed into a flowery dress. "Laugh, Dudley. Laugh!" I said to him desperately.

Dudley laughed. It started as a weak chuckle at first, but with my encouraging, it grew to a loud guffaw. The boggart grew slowly transparent, then disappeared completely.

I ran to Dudley and crouched down next to him, wiping the sweat from his forehead with the hem of my sleeve. "God, are you okay?"

"He...he was coming at me...with his stupid stick..." Dudley gasped, pointing at Harry.

"No, he wasn't. That was a boggart. Remember?"

"So?"

"It uh..." I fought to not laugh. It really wasn't funny, but... "it turns into whatever you fear the most." Okay, so it was a little funny, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I fought the laugh.

Harry, to his credit, stayed quietly on the other side of the room.

"Why did I have to laugh at it?"

"Because, that's what finishes a boggart off. Laughter. That's why we were doing the Riddikulus Charm. You do that to make your fear into something funny, then when you laugh, you get rid of it."

"Oh," he looked down at his lap, blushing.

"It's...okay...we all have something we're afraid of. Did you see it when it was looking at me?"

"Yes. It was a blonde guy. It looked kind of like you."

"It was my father."

Dudley's eyes opened a bit in shock.

"See? Everyone has something they're afraid of. There's nothing wrong with being afraid."

"I guess so," Dudley said as he got to his feet. "I think I'm gonna...go...lie down."

"Okay," I patted his shoulder awkwardly. I turned to face Ron, Harry, and Tonks. As Dudley passed Harry, I could see his face turn redder and he quickened his pace.

When we heard the door shut, signaling that Dudley had shut himself up in our room, Harry finally let out his chuckle. "Me? He's afraid of me?"

"I guess," I shrugged.

"Oh," Harry grinned, a malicious gleam in his eyes. "I can have some fun with that."

Suddenly, it wasn't so funny anymore.

I brushed passed them and left the room, heading for my own. When I opened the door, Dudley had his head buried under the pillow and was sniffling.

"Are...are you okay?"

He lifted his head and looked at me. His eyes were shining. "I...I'm fine," he muttered.

"No, you're not."

"I'm just..."

"Embarrassed?"

"Yes."

"You don't have anything to be embarrassed about," I told him, sitting down on the edge of the bed and stroking his hair. "Everybody has a greatest fear."

"But not everybody is afraid of their skinny little cousin."

"No, but...I can understand why you are. I mean, Harry's a pretty powerful wizard, and you can't do magic, so you feel..."

"Helpless," he finished.

"Exactly. That's how I feel around my father. It's not that you're afraid of Harry, you're just afraid of feeling helpless. And he...sort of...represents that feeling."

"Maybe," Dudley sniffed again.

I pulled him into what I hoped was a comforting hug and kissed the top of his head. I could feel him smile against my shoulder.

I leaned back and brushed his bangs out of his eyes. "Better?"

"Yeah," he nodded and smiled sheepishly.

I leaned down and kissed him gently on the lips.

"Come on, let's go find something to do," I stood and grabbed his hand, pulling him up off the bed.

"All right, all right," he said and followed me out into the hall.