The Ancient and Most Romantic House of Black

Pairing: Ron Weasley/Hermione Granger, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, and Draco Malfoy/Dudley Dursley (Half the people reading this just did a double take and said, "WTF?!").

Note: A friend of mine challenged me to write weird ships that hardly anyone writes because she's sure there are frustrated shippers out there who find that their ship is under-represented. So, all you Dudley/Draco shippers, I salute you. Also, if anyone has an odd ship that's rarely written that they'd like to see here, by all means, send it my way and I'll try to write you something.

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"The Ancient and Most Romantic BlackPart 5"

By Kaci JaBeth

I heard voices in Ron and Harry's room, so I knocked on the door. "Come in," Ron called, so I opened the door and Dudley and I entered. Ron was sitting on his bed, leaning against the wall, his legs sprawled out, and Hermione was sitting between them, lying back against him comfortably with her hair just underneath his chin. Harry was on his bed, also leaning against the wall, and Ginny was lying down, her head in his lap and Harry was absent-mindedly stroking her hair.

"We're bored," I said. I noticed that Dudley was glancing at Harry and blushing, but I pulled him into the room and muttered, "Stop it," under my breath.

"We were just playing Truth or Dare, if you'd like to join us," Ginny said.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Muggle game," Hermione said. "It's a bit silly, you dare each other to do stupid things like wear your shirt backwards all day or something and ask each other overly personal questions."

"Hermione's just a bit angry that she had to admit she faked sick once to stay home from school before she came to Hogwarts," Ron grinned.

Hermione sighed exasperatedly and unceremoniously elbowed him hard in the ribs. Ron gave an "oof," of pain and rubbed at the spot, but smiled and wrapped his arms around her again.

"I guess we could play that," I said. Dudley didn't look so sure, but he and I sat down in the floor between the two beds.

"Okay, well it was Harry's turn," Ron said.

"Right, so, Ron, Truth or Dare?" Harry asked.

"Truth," he said.

"All right...if you had to...like, someone had a gun to your head or something, if you had to pick another girl at school to date instead of Hermione, who would it be?"

Ron looked alarmed. "Uh, if I couldn't date Hermione, I'd be single...forever," he gulped and looked down at her.

"No, the guy with the gun says that's not good enough, you have to pick," Harry grinned.

"You're a bastard, you know that, right?" Ron said.

"Yes, but I'm a bastard who asked you a question. So answer it."

Why wasn't Harry in Slytherin, again?

"Fine...I guess..." Ron glanced at Hermione again. She was staring up at him intently. "I guess maybe...Lavender."

Hermione jumped up off the bed and turned to face him. "That girl? Please! I've met flobberworms that have higher IQs than her! Not to mention the fact that she's as ugly as Hagrid's Blast-Ended Skrewts!" She then turned and stormed out of the room.

"Thanks, Har," Ron growled sarcastically and followed her out of the room.

"Well, that was a fun game," I commented.

"Yeah, lasted a long time, too," Dudley chuckled. "I'm going back to our room," he said and...was that a wink?

He left the room and I turned to Harry and Ginny. "Harry, please don't tease him about...you know. He's really upset about it."

"Fine," he sighed.

I turned and left the room. As I shut the door, I heard Ginny giggle and squeal, "Harry, get you hands off that!"

Shaking my head, I went back to my room. Dudley was sitting on my bed, his head in his hands.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"I just...I was just..."

"What? You seemed to be in a good mood in there," I said. How could someone's mood change this quickly!?

"Just...I just started thinking when I got back in here...where is this going?"

Oh my God. We hadn't even shagged yet, and he wanted to have the 'Where is This Going' talk.

"I don't know, I mean..."

He looked up and me and suddenly grinned wickedly. "Got ya!" he laughed.

"What?"

"I just wanted to freak you out," he smiled and pulled me down on top of him, kissing me as he went.

"You wanker," I chuckled.

"What, with you around? I hardly need to," he quipped.

I playfully smacked him on the arm and trailed kissed down his neck, stopping to suck at that tender spot where the neck meets the shoulders.

"Do you think we could..." I trailed off.

Dudley glanced around nervously. He hadn't been expecting that.

"What if someone hears?"

I twirled my wand between my fingers. "It's all a matter of convenience, remember?"

"But what if...what if it hurts?"

"It will, but we'll try to make it hurt less."

"But we don't know how..."

"We'll learn."

I pushed him backwards and kissed him again, slowly pulling his robe off, breaking the kiss momentarily to remove it completely. His skin was pale and milky white. He was chubby; there was no denying it. But I'd never had a particular aversion to a little extra meat on someone's bones, so it wasn't really that much of a problem.

I kissed my way down his chest admiring the way he sighed contentedly and ran his hands through my hair when I hit a particularly sensitive spot. I pulled my own robe off and tossed it aside. We both stared at each other. "Well, do you wanna..." I motioned with my hands.

"You mean...where do I want to go?"

"Yeah."

"I guess I should be on the bottom," he blushed again.

I leaned down and kissed him as I pulled his boxers down. I pulled them off and tossed them to the floor. I glanced down at him. His cock was small, only about five inches long, but it was thick. I was suddenly very glad I was going to be on top, because that thing would hurt. I pulled off my own boxers and looked at him. "Well..." I said and motioned again.

"Oh, right, I have to roll over, huh?"

"That would help," I smiled sheepishly.

He rolled over and got on his knees.

"Hang on, lemme grab my wand."

"What are you going to do?" Dudley asked.

"Lube," I said.

"Okay," he said.

"Now, this may feel a bit weird," I told him.

I spread his cheeks and pushed the tip of my wand at his anus and said, "Lubricus!" I then pointed the wand at my fingers and repeated the spell.

"Okay, I'm going to uh...well...prepare you, I suppose."

"And how will you do that?"

"Erm...I'm not quite sure..."

"Have you ever done anything like this before? Even with a girl?"

"No, but we used to have porn parties at school, and I saw this magazine once with two guys in it, and I'm just copying what they did. All it showed was that the top guy pushed his fingers into the other guy. I suppose that does something..."

"Well, just try it."

I nodded and pushed one of my fingers into him. It was so weird. Everything was slippery from the Lubricus Charm. "You feeling all right?" I asked him. When he nodded in response, I added a second finger. He gave a small yelp.

"Ow!" he gasped.

"Sorry," I said. "Do you want to stop?"

"No...Just...can't you make it stop hurting? With that wand?"

"What? Dudley, how many times do we have to tell you? Magic is just for convenience."

"Well, it would be very convenient right now if it didn't hurt so damn much."

"There's no spells. Do you want me to stop?" I sighed exasperatedly.

"No..." he sighed as well.

I wiggled my fingers around a bit and hit his prostate.

"Oh God," he whispered.

"How's that?"

"Good."

I added another finger.

"Oh, shit."

I scraped his prostate again.

"Okay, okay. Just...do something. I can't take all this waiting."

I pulled my fingers out and grabbed my wand, pointing it at my cock. "Lubricus," I repeated and rubbed the lubrication on myself. I set my wand aside and pushed the tip of my cock at the entrance. "It's gonna hurt," I told him.

"I know," he shrugged.

I slowly pushed in and he groaned loudly. I rubbed his back gently.

"You okay?"

"Go slow," he said.

I pulled out slightly and pushed back in. I knew it was hurting him, but God, it felt so good to me and I wanted to just come right then. But I fought it and reached around to stroke his cock.

I pulled out again and pushed in, matching the rhythm I had set with my hands. He started to moan. I came into him a minute later and he came on my hand a few moments later.

I lay down on the bed next to him. "How are you feeling?" I asked.

"All right, I suppose."

I patted his back and stared up at the ceiling. A moment later, I sighed and got up.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"The bathroom. I'll be right back."

I pulled on my boxers and my robe and opened the door.

Harry, Ginny, Ron, and Hermione fell into the room in a heap.

"Shit."

I'd forgotten to do the silencing charm.

The four of them scrambled to their feet and started looking around, whistling. It would've been a comical scene if they hadn't just been listening to Dudley and I losing our virginity.

"What the fuck are you lot doing?!" I yelled.

"We uh..." Ron looked at the ground.

"Please, tell me you weren't listening to us," I said, my voice so cold and angry.

Dudley had pulled the blankets around himself and was looking scared.

"We were just walking by and we heard, so we wanted to know what was going on and..." Hermione trailed off.

"Get the fuck out of here," I growled.

"No, I don't think I will," Harry said. "If you're fucking my cousin, I think I have a right to say something about it."

"Harry, please, don't..." Ginny said.

"No...if these two are doing stuff, I have a right to know what the hell is going on!"

"I...I don't know," I said.

"What do you mean, 'you don't know?' What the bloody hell are you talking about?"

"It's just...we haven't really worked that out yet," I looked down at the floor.

"Oh, but you've worked it out enough to go fucking at 12:45 in the afternoon!"

"How is it any of your business?" I asked.

"Because he's my cousin and I know how you are! I may hate him, but I don't hate him enough to leave him at your mercy! You'd use an Unforgivable on him in a heartbeat." Here he paused then looked from me to Dudley, who was now shaking. "Oh God. You already have, haven't you? You've got him under the Imperius. Oh God. Dudley! Dudley, you can fight it! Don't obey!"

"Fight what?" Dudley asked.

"Oh," Harry said and looked sheepish. "Fine, maybe you haven't hexed him already, but...you will."

"You of all people should know that Dudley and I happen to have a lot in common," I snapped.

"So?"

"So? Hasn't it occurred to you that since we have a lot in common that we might get along well? That maybe we actually like each other?"

"I 'like' Hermione, but I don't go fucking her," Harry snapped.

"Well, maybe I just like him more than you do her."

"And since when are you gay?"

"Since last night, I guess," I said. Then I paused, getting angrier by the second. "And I still don't think this in any of your business!"

"Come on, Ginny," Harry said and tugged at her arm. She glanced back over her shoulder at me and gave me an apologetic look.

"Sorry," Hermione said.

"He'll get over it," Ron added and thumped me on the back.

I nodded and the two of them left as well. I turned back to Dudley. "I'm going to the bathroom. Stay here and if Harry comes back, yell for me."

"Okay," he said.

I went to the bathroom and turned on the faucet to wash my hands. I angrily grabbed the soap and lathered it up and washed Dudley's come off. I sighed as I dried my hands and turned the water off, then returned to my room.

Dudley was in the exact same spot that I'd left him.

"I'm sorry," I sighed. "I should've done a silencing charm. I forgot."

Dudley just stared at the wall and didn't speak.

"Dudley, are you okay?"

He turned to me, his eyes oddly vacant. "My parents will kill me," he muttered and buried his face in his hands.

"Harry won't tell them."

"Oh, yes, he will. He'll love it. It'll piss dad off and get me into trouble. That's Harry's idea of a perfect day."

"Well, would it really be so terrible? I mean, they would've found out eventually."

"Maybe not. I wasn't planning on telling them."

Oh. I stared at the ground. So he was ashamed of me.

"Well...we'll just...oh! I could modify their memories!"

"What?"

"The Memory Charm. It makes people forget something. So, I could make your parents forget that Harry told them."

"He would just tell them again," Dudley said sadly.

"Then I'll just keep modifying their memories."

There was a knock at the door. "Are you two...decent?" came Harry's voice.

"Yes," I said and grabbed my wand off the table...just in case, of course.

He opened the door and entered. Ginny came as well. He kept shooting her angry looks and she kept returning them.

"Look, I don't like it, but..." he trailed off.

"SAY IT!" Ginny said.

"...but I'm sorry I overreacted and I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to," he muttered.

"Thank you," I said, more to Ginny than to Harry.

Ginny gave me a knowing look that clearly meant, "you're welcome," and marched Harry back out of the room.

Once the door had clicked shut, Dudley turned to me. "That girl..."

"...is amazing," I finished.

"Yes."

"Remind me to buy her a present soon," I laughed.

Dudley smiled and kissed me softly on the lips.

"Wait," I said, pushing him away. "I don't think...I mean, you weren't EVER going to tell your father about us?"

Dudley looked down at the ground. "I...I'm sorry, but...no. Can't we just...be together and not worry about that?"

"No."

"You just don't understand him. He...he'd kill me. Worse...well, I don't know what's worth than death, but he'd do it. For me to be gay...with a wizard...he'd never forgive me."

"I understand fathers like that. I have one like that. Or I did. I guess he's sort of disowned me now, but...I know. And I'm sorry, but I just can't be with you if you won't tell him. I'm not saying you have to tell him right now, but...eventually, you'll have to tell him."

Dudley heaved a sigh. "I know," he whispered.

I pulled him into a hug and kissed his forehead. "We can worry about that later, though."

"Thanks," he whispered softly into my shoulder.

I patted his back and stood up. "Come on, let's go. I'm bored. Maybe we can get a Chess tournament going. Ron's really good."

Dudley smiled and stood, allowing me to drag him out the room, holding his hand.

As soon as I opened the door and entered the hallway, I bumped into a large, soft object.

"Oof," I said. I looked down at the floor, but when I looked up, I immediately wished I hadn't. "Shit," I muttered.

"Shit, indeed," came the booming voice of Mr. Dursley.

I turned to make sure Dudley was okay, realizing too late that I was still holding his hand.