An Unfortunate Day for Severus Snape

Damn it and buggery shite! - Rain! Typical - I go to the beach, I'm paddling in the sea and this abomination strikes! There is no way I'm driving back to the apartment with all these idiots deciding to leave en masse and getting stuck in a two hour traffic jam. No, I'll just go to the café and have a drink there, sit it out and watch the little minion Muggles scurry and get wet, the sadistic git I am.

It's my local café, I know everyone who works here. They deign to talk to me, so I gracefully deign to talk to them, briefly.

But little Becky the summer waitress doesn't get it. Just because she serves me coffee and does me favour of whetting my whistle doesn't mean I have to listen to her pitiful worries of a wayward boyfriend. I tell her to dump him because he doesn't care - and wish she would leave me in peace because I don't care! A few clucks of the tongue and sympathetic nods satisfies her and she feels 'loved and taken seriously' it's better than sitting alone anyway and she's not too bad to look at so it's not like I mind being seen with her - it's not embarrassing anyway. Some of the inbred customers probably think we're father and daughter; we have the same colour hair. Whether she sees it the same way or not I do not give a flying fuck.

She doesn't get the hint that I've finished my coffee and I want another. Instead she starts going on about her GCSE results. I'm getting quite good at this Muggle world - it's fascinating. But as she talks it seems like a lot of work and these jealous old windbags are discrediting them because they are jealous of the children's star grades. Well I'd be suspicious but I have no jealousy of kids who do well. I received the highest score in Britain in my NEWTs potions - that has yet to be beaten. I am definitely not insecure.

She gets up and says her goodbyes when her break comes to an end, thank Merlin. It's still raining and I buy another cup of coffee to wile away the time.

"Why don't you go and use the Internet bit if you're bored Simon?" Becky asks me.

I'm still not used to being called Simon. I never will be. It's only really for letters and stuff for my Muggle business, Dumbledore said it was too suspicious to be called by my real name - I would never expect to be called this monstrosity, Muggle rubbish indeed.

"Oh right, what's that?" I ask, wishing the ground would swallow me and crunch me up into tiny pieces - I should know this! I'm going to blow my cover.

"Don't be silly - of course you know what the Internet is. You know... Computer... get information...."

"Yes of course I know Becky - I was just testing."

I'm lying through my teeth and I've forced myself to nudge her and smile like I am normal and just playing a boyish joke. I never play boyish jokes - they are pathetic and belong to the Potters.

She leads me to a side room where people are feverishly typing e-mails and looking at some boring looking things in a box.

"Here it is," she says, waving an arm gracefully in the air to show the computers. Yes I can see it. I do have eyes you condescending little brat.

I study the room to see if it was worth my time. It seems pleasant enough. It was still raining hard and wasn't giving any signals of letting up. It would be interesting to see how these contraptions worked. If the magic in me didn't play haywire with the things and cause a massive power cut or something like that - Oh please Merlin don't let it happen...

"Right Simon, you see this black box here? Well you put fifty pence in there - yes there and you see it all comes to life. I'll leave you to it now."

"Ok... Um Becky just a sec. How do you get onto the Internet...? My computer at work isn't like this one," I badly lied there.

She's smiling. I am rumbled. She can tell I really don't have a clue. She's not letting on that she thinks I'm stupid. I can see it behind her eyes. She's trying to fight her sneers, the weak child. I am not stupid - I just have better and more important things to do with my time. She shows me how to log on and get a search engine and type what I want in there, warning me not to visit any porn websites (shame, I'm sure there's plenty to embarrass the manager of this dive) and leaves me to my own devices - not before stating that a fun game is to type your name into a search engine and see what comes up - like I would try that - how sad. How would anyone with my name be associated with such Muggle rubbish?

She left me now, and at first, I start having fun checking out buying ingredients for my potions over the Internet.

***

This is very interesting. But, I don't think this sort of thing is for me. Wait a second... They sell finely powdered dragon's testicles at what price? Wow! I am amazed. I got to get some of that, sod that! I'm buying a life time's supply! Where's my... what's-its-name... credit card? Damn not wearing robes where is my moneybag? Ah there it is. It's positively indecent to put your money in your back pocket - but handy if you don't want it stolen I suppose. But powdered dragon's testicle at thirty sickles an ounce - they're giving it away... What's wrong with it? Must ask Becky if we can save these things on the computer or if they just go away never to be seen again.

What other supplies can I buy while I'm here? That's a really clever idea - selling potion ingredients on the cheap. Mundungus Fletcher would consider this type of thing a Merlin send! Ah ha! That's even smarter, it's a special wizarding page that when a Muggle logs on - it looks like some boring company website - Grunnings is it? Don't they sell drills?

So what else can I do? I just can't believe this - revision help for the Muggles who come to Hogwarts on their Astronomy and Arithmacy? If you ask me - my Slytherins need it for Potions - a couple of the wizard kids could do with a helping hand like this too. That gives me an idea.... Study aids on bewitched parchment - ask a question to do with the course and the answer pops up! The second I get back to that school....

What's that? I have one-minute left - what the heck is that on about? I need to buy more of the powdered dragon's testicles. No, what are you doing? Don't dim. Don't go. No! Hey! Computer- type-thing - What in Merlin's name are you doing?

It's gone! The Internet's gone! I shall never have anymore of that dragon's testicle! And I go through so much making that blimming potion for Lupin, there's none left for what I want to do - oh woe is me! I want to hurt some Gryffindors. Damn you! Damn you! You hideous heap of junk!

Ok, I must gain perspective here. People are looking at me. I try and smooth the dent in the box. I did hit it rather hard. My magic nearly escaped me there. The bleeder started flickering dangerously when I lost my temper. Typical sod's law; Becky is coming over to me - she looks concerned and sort of wary, the manageress is hanging in the doorway - probably in case I get violent.

She asked me what the matter was. I said that the computer died. She laughed and said that I'd run out of time and she told me to put in a two-pound coin in the slot. - What does she think I am? Made of money? But I have bought another hour of glorious time on this machine of discovery.

Becky sits and chats for a little while - obviously trying to calm me down or keep me safe from other people in there while they call St Mungo's to come and pick me up! She suggests that we have a look at people's 'live journals'. I get shown how to search for them and then she leaves me on my own again.

I have been searching for a little while for a name that catches my name. One name certainly did catch my attention - Draco Malfoy. I never knew he had access to one of these. Well being rich and knowing everything (sarcastic old me) is it any doubt really? I wonder what he's written though....

What's this he's doing in that picture? Draco! What are you doing? I think I am scared for life. What the fuck does he think he's doing prancing about in women's clothes? - Muggle ones at that! In full... make up and drinking tea! Does his father know about this? I bet not. It's lies Severus old boy - it's lies!

There maybe a perfectly reasonable explanation for it. He may be doing it for charity. Oh really Severus don't make yourself laugh... Stop it! - People are looking - come on, you've got to live here you can't let these people see you roll on the floor. - The boy maybe capable of doing good deeds...

Mind you, by what this boy has written - with such a filthy mind like that I don't think he is capable of good deeds. No, it's not true! This is not happening. This is not happening. Draco Malfoy does NOT have a crush on Harry Potter!

Ok, breathe deeply, Severus. Think calming thoughts, lift your arms as though to greet the sun (in your head) and breathe in... and out... Do yoga. Yoga always helps in times of stress. Just keep breathing.

Feeling calmer. I decide to leave that particular website and resolve it's a magically doctored picture of Malfoy junior probably by someone like Granger - or another Muggle like that Dean Thomas - It seems more of an immature little boy's revenge than someone like Granger who would just turn him into a ferret.

I take Becky's suggestion of typing my name into the search engine. Severus Snape - What does that come up with....

Crap... crap... crap... crap... What's fanfiction? Huh? It looks interesting.

Find story by character name... character? I assure you I'm more than a character...

Ok Severus... Snape. Bloody hell there is somewhat twenty thousand stories about me? I don't understand. Looks like some little Harry Potter fanatic has decided to write a book about him and thousands of kids have followed suit. How desperate can you get? - That is hero-worshipping taken a little too far - He hasn't even defeated the Dark Lord.

But what have I got to do with it? Wait a second? who have they paired me with? Oh Merlin! These brats - what the fuck have they done? Who are they? I'll hex them to the deepest river of hell to burn!

***

I am desolate and I have lost all faith in human beings wizard and Muggle. I can't believe such filth is gracing this beautiful invention. Pairing me with Harry Potter of all people... and he's tying my hands to the bedpost!

Exit, exit exit! Who else have they paired me with? Hermione Granger! That is sick. Miss Granger wearing a yellow polka dot bikini and munching on a banana! Imagery... if you look at it from an objective view and you leave your differences by the wayside... That is quite a fine image....

No Severus! We don't think of the students like that. Especially ones like her.

For goodness sake! If these people are insisting on writing about me, they could at least write about me correctly. I am not a suitable boyfriend for Remus Lupin or Sirius Black!

That is not on. And I'd never want to do that to them. What is it anyway?

Some people are really deranged.

But some one here has paired me with dear old Minerva. Now I'm all for older women and all that - and she is quite a fox.... No! No! No! Bad ideas in my head! Must not think of students or colleagues in 'That Way'.

Oh what again? The machine wants more money? I hate these things.