A MWPP Nativity

Nov 1^st

Ms Gilchrist told me today that we had to start work on the nativity, as it's our turn this year. I can't think of anything more lovely - my cute little class of angelic seven year olds singing their hearts out, the little darling who plays Mary cradling the beautiful little baby and Joseph looking protectively over while the wise men, shepherds and all gather round and adore the little baby Jesus. Ms Gilchrist has told me that I will be the one who is directing it with my vast experience of music and drama - I can't wait!

Though to be honest, I am questioning her integrity as she keeps on slipping off for a ciggie with Andy in the staff room while I'm grafting. I don't mind the kids - I love them with all my heart - but James Potter and Sirius Black are such little rascals! They are always trying to pull down my fab new bellbottoms and show my knickers to the whole class. When they aren't doing that poor little Sirius is playing kiss chase with the girls and it's not really fair - three against one. Remus tries to do his best by him I suppose, and they hide together, but they always get found in the end. James, on the other hand, is always fawning over Lily or making snide comments about little Severus Snape. I don't know how many times I've had to tell that boy that we do NOT address our friends as: 'Poo face!' And how many times have I had to put a cold compress on his face after he tries to play mummies and daddies with Lily is too many to count. You think he would have learned by now that he mustn't tell Lily that she can only play in the kitchen and that she belongs there and to cook his tea now - that little girl has got a good right hook on her. I am teaching my girls well.

I am so proud of my girls - they are becoming right little feminists. Helen and Julie are shining examples of young ladies today. Mary Susan just wants to get married though. Oh, it was so funny: Julie told me how she had put her mother's bras in the oven in an attempt to burn them. Maybe I should stop spreading the message amongst this lot. I'm already in trouble with the headmaster for encouraging Andy to grow his hair and get a ponytail - Why should he be constricted to these socially constructed images of gender? Aaaarrggghh! Society!

I'm wondering though if this nativity is going to be a little harder than anticipated. Ms Gilchrist and I had a little chat about our initial thoughts on the lead roles. It was unanimous that Sirius and Lily should play Mary and Joseph - as they are the two cutest little things, and they are clever enough to keep up with their studies with such demanding roles - bless! Don't think James will be too happy about it though, but Ms Gilchrist told me to stop being so soft, and that he'll be in love with Mary Susan next week. She wants to cast him as Herod. I personally thought that it would be better given to Severus - he is a right sour puss, and it might bring him out of his shell and he may enjoy himself for once, not curled up in the corner with a book. I swear that child is short sighted; he puts the book up so close to his face.

I never get a say around here. Teaching assistants are completely ignored. I feel insignificant and very angry about it.

Nov 2^nd

We decided the cast list after a few glasses of wine:

Lily: Mary

Sirius: Joseph

James: Herod

Gary: Angel Gabriel

Nick: Wise man 1 (Gold)

Remus: " (Myrrh)

Peter: " (Frankincense)

Severus: Donkey 1

Elliot: Donkey 2

Robbie: Sheep 1

Mary Susan: Sheep 2

Julie: Shepherd 1

Helen: Shepherd 2

Feeling incredibly insensitive, I know, considering poor Remus' problem, because we couldn't remember whether it was gold or silver lycanthropes are allergic to or something, so we put him on myrrh instead. Also thinking it was a mistake to make Peter deliver frankincense when he has a lisp.

Nov 3^rd

Felt very guilty. Evil, mean Ms Gilchrist left me to break the news to the kids of who got what role. I had three sobbing girls to comfort and pacify while separating James and Sirius, who were fighting. Something about Sirius ruining the only chance he had to get close to Lily and how he stole it away from him. Punches were thrown; there was rolling on the floor, screaming, and tantrums. I had to call Mr. Tongsgaard to help me separate them. It took me, Mr. Tongsgaard, the caretaker and the head master threatening to tell his mother about what a bad boy he was being to calm him down. He then put his head on the desk and cried until home time. Lily just rolled her eyes and carried on reading her book while holding a friendship bracelet Helen was weaving, who wasn't really paying attention and just staring at Sirius.

Running the show for thirteen kids is such a bother! I am very much so glad that this is a wizarding primary school; I have heard rumours that Muggle primary schools can have up to thirty-four in one class. The idea of so many young children to teach would be so lovely, but I'm glad we have these smaller classes; I can give each child the attention they deserve. Feeling the need for chocolate after such a day....

Nov 8^th

Overheard a very interesting conversation today.

Nick: Its not fair James - I wanted to be Herod!

James: Take the part then, I don't want it. I don't care anymore. Lily is now gonna fall in love with Sirius, get married and make yucky babies and be all happy and my heart is broken so much, I think I'm just going to die!

Nick: Thanks, James!

James: I hate Sirius! I'm never talking to him again. He stole my girl! - Do you wanna be my new best friend?

Nick: Ummm ok.

Its good to see the kids sorting things out themselves isn't it? Poor James is taking it rather to heart. On a lighter note, having James as a part of the three wise men will really add to the nativity. Those three have such good chemistry that itws on stage that they really like each other.

Nov 12^th

I love my job, I really really do, but clumps of my hair are starting to fall out, and I want a pair of eyes in the back of my head. I can't play piano for the songs while trying to separate Mary Susan and Julie over who Sirius would rather be caught in kiss chase by. I can't stop Helen plotting to break Lily's neck so she can have the part of Mary, and the boys are still fighting. I've never known a grudge last this long. We're using props now, and James keeps on throwing his gold-wrapped box into Sirius' face, rather than dropping it in the manger. We've had to cease rehearsal several times to stop Sirius' nose from bleeding. - Where is Ms Gilchrist when you need her?

Nov 18^th

James and Sirius are friends again. James caught Lily during kiss chase, and she stood still long enough to let him kiss her cheek. He now thinks he is in with a chance, and has asked Remus to be his best man. Kids are just the sweetest things!

Mind you, we've got another little trouble. Gary is trying to play the angel Gabriel all camp. Homosexuality has just been legalised and the parents are going to think I put him up to this. I think he's doing it on purpose! He's trying to play it as Mary's gay best friend so he can be present at the birth, and gets to be all dramatic at the birth and faint at the sight of Jesus being born, then coo over Jesus, and eye up Herod as a mean and moody thing that needs taming.

Nov 22^nd

It's my birthday, and I'll cry if I want to! And I do want to very much, but it's about three weeks to go until the performance, and it's not looking good. The kids won't stop causing trouble. Sirius and James decided to cause trouble for Severus today as well:

James: Miss, Miss, I think Severus shouldn't be the donkey.

Me: Why not James? I'm sure Severus doesn't think so; he makes a very good donkey carrying Mary to Bethlehem.

James: He's too weird to take Mary, and he thinks he's better than Mary 'cos Mary was born a Muggle. I don't think he deserves to be the Donkey. He should... he should... be the poo that comes out the donkey!

He can be a spiteful brat when he wants to be.

Dec 1^st

The performance is getting closer. I'm really worried; I haven't learned my music yet for the hymns. None of the kids are singing in tune! I am becoming a gibbering loon when it c to the music. The kids are being trying, but it's just the stress of the up and coming performance where their mummies and daddies can come and see them. The other kids are being such little darlings. Remus, for example has been such a good little boy, just reading a book quietly until his part while talking to Peter who is amusing himself with chocolate frogs and the card collection he is getting from it. Robbie and Elliot are trying to sword fight with rulers, which don't bother me in the slightest, apart from the noise.

I'm slightly worried about Peter's lisp. He won't say frankincense. He just leaves it out. I think, to be humane, I'm just going to make him swap with Remus.

Dec 5^th

We're never going to be ready on time. I'm so scared. Every rehearsal, Ms Gilchrist has totally abandoned me to be left to the mercy of these kids. No wonder she doesn't like them so much anymore. I thought at first that they were these darlings that were so cute and sweet and lovely and I just wanted to wrap them up in cotton wool. I now want to keep them in corrugated iron and keep a bar of soap nearby for potty mouths. Severus has been teaching the other boys some foul words. I will have to take this up with his parents - he mustn't hear their rows where he could learn swear words. I blame James and Sirius for making him angry though: they were calling him names.

Dec 8^th

I have upgraded to dark chocolate. It is helping with the stress in a way that the milk chocolate never could. The kids are now deviating so far from the script I've written, and it shows so much that it is going to reflect rather badly on me. Gary is still flopping his wrist as angel Gabriel while Lily squeals in delight and flaps almost over how funny he is. The other girlsre still fighting over Sirius; he has taken to hiding in the store cupboard at break times with Remus, James and Peter.

Dress rehearsal in the church in a few days' time - we're going to get done for blasphemy! I can feel it.

Dec 9^th

Ms Gilchrist got an earful from me when she asked how it was going. Since I have been practically running the show ever since she said it was our turn to run the nativity. I had Robbie and Elliot hanging onto my skirts blowing raspberries at her. Made me smile, after all they have put me through, I know that the children still love me - apart from James. Who, in an attempt to prove to Lily that he wants to marry her is showing loyalty by being rude to every female in the room, proving that he only has eyes for her. Can't wait until this performance is over.

Dec 12^th

Dress rehearsal.

We walked to the church, two by two, hand in hand. I had to hold Sirius' hand as we walked through the village because there was a riot between the girls. He said he wanted to hold Remus' hand, but the girls then turned on Remus and accused him of being in love with Sirius. I despair of these girls, I really do. I had to get very angry with James though, and I made him partner Severus at the end of it because I am sick of him harassing Lily - when a girl says no - she means NO! Get away from me you perverted creep and get over it!

The girls hate me, Severus hates me, and Sirius just wouldn't stop grinning, then I realised why: my flies on my jeans were undone. I think it's going to be back to skirts for me, stuff equality - at least you can feel it when the skirt is tucked in your knickers.

We get into the church, and things cease to be madness, and the kids are on their best behaviour as they sit quietly in the pews and gaze at the manger and stuff that Ms Gilchrist drove up earlier on. The vicar came up to the altar, introduced himself and started to tell the story of the nativity. The children stayed quiet and didn't fidget or yawn, and just paid attention to him through the whole story. AND HIS VOICE WAS IN MONOTONE! Why don't they listen to me anymore? I think they have lost all respect for me. I even do different voices for each character!

The dress rehearsal went flowingly apart from the changes the children are trying to make, but the vicar had gone back to his chambers, and was left with the organ.

Still trying to persuade Gary that Gabriel isn't a woman, and he should stop trying to bring his mother's shoes to rehearsals - they only make him look silly, not even camp.

Peter is now on gold instead of frankincense, I am relived. James was such a good boy swapping with him. Those two can be so cute, sharing their sweets and all. All four of them are. It's good to see such a tight knit group of friends. The others just fall out every five minutes, and I'm the one who has to clean the bloody noses and grazes after. (And restore hair if it's the girls or Gary has taken offence to something)

I was called into the headmaster's office after I had wal the kids back this lunchtime. (Took Severus instead this time as he and James were practically nearly killing each other and there wasn't so much a fight for Sirius anymore, but the girls are being very curt with me.) I think I've got the feeling that the rest of my stay teaching here will depend on this performance. So that means no cross dressing angels, resentful sheep, lisping wise men and the donkey trying to buck Mary off who is supposed to be carrying the saviour of the world, while Joseph lords it around charming everything female in sight.

Got the weekend now to worry and panic over my job security.

Dec 15^th

PERFORMANCE DAY!

It was a frantic morning with panics and things and children being late to school in the morning for a last minute rehearsal in the church. We had all the children decked out in their robes and tea towels on their heads - they look so sweet! And they're singing beautifully now. If I wasn't playing the organ, and I was a parent watching, tears would be filling my eyes, and I'd have a little bit of a sniffle - I love children so much. All this hassle felt like it was all worthwhile, despite the unorthodox moments in the nativity. Gary has consented to wearing plimsolls instead of his mother's high heels thank goodness! Still flops his wrist at the bit where Mary is told that Jesus will be an immaculate conception though.

The tea towel would not sit right on James' head, I thought that a blood vessel in my head was going to burst when it just wouldn't sit right, anything to do with his head is just messy! His mother took one look at what ended up looking like a turban and just sighed and shook her head.

The girls have called a truce over Sirius. Mary Susan thinks that she's going to get spotted in this play, and she's going to marry one of The Monkees! I tell you Michael Nesbitt is mine! The others have decided that Sirius isn't worth it and are now swooning over various pop stars and Helen has a really cute devotion towards Remus. Remus is not happy about this in the slightest, and has swapped tea towels with Peter so that she thinks he is Peter.

Piano playing was rather good if I must say so myself. This school couldn't sack me even if they wanted to - who else could fit in a jazzy solo in between verses of 'Away in a Manger'? Or compose a serialist background for when Herod is doing his monologue?

Was really relived that James didn't attack Sirius or kiss Lily on stage.

And that Severus didn't buck a heavily pregnant Muggle Mary off his back just because she was a Muggle.

Peter and Remus had swapped frankincense and myrrh again so that Peter could prove to his parents that he didn't need speech therapy. He bottled it in the end though and brought: More myrrh!

The others were the epite of goatiness or sheepiness or donkeyness! I was so proud of them, not one of them looked gormless, and seeing the pride in their parents' eyes was so beautiful, I could have cried.

In all a jolly good performance, I don't think I will quit teaching after all.

Dec 16^th

I was called into the headmaster's office this morning. I was congratulated on such a brilliant performance and production of the nativity and told that many parents had said how good it was - and how had I managed to get all the children to behave.

Why did they only wait until the night to actually do the play as they had been told to? Gary actually didn't flop his wrist on the night, and he only called Lily "girlfriend" in an American accent once! Despite the kids being little sods, they have done well and I'm really proud of them.

Who said I was going to quit in January due to stress? Roll on next Christmas. Shame we won't have the same cast though!