The Witch Scene from Monty Slytherin

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Title: The Witch Scene versions One and Two.

From: Lord Voldemort and the Holy Grail

Transcribed By: JustJeanette and Some Other Person.

Edited By: JustJeanette and Some Other Person.

Published By some git called: JustJeanette and Some Other Person.

[Scene descriptions]

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[Peter Pettigrew holding onto a long twig runs ahead of Lord Voldemort]: Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh.

[Lord Voldemort raises his hand and he his most loyal servant come to a stop atop a grassy knoll].

[The scene unfolds to show us the familiar sight of Hogsmeade. The sharp crack of exploding frogs can be heard as young students from Hogwarts enjoy the fruits of their purchases at Zonko's. A group of Seventh year students are seen dragging a rather average looking girl dressed in a 'Legal Power Suit (Tm)', holding a briefcase and wearing incredibly impractical high-heeled (6 inch) red shoes with very pointed toes. The students drag her towards a block of semi-detached hovels on a hill near the outskirts of Hogsmeade. Sir Percival of Weasley stands outside the hovels with a notebook and a copy of the Hogsmeade Ordinances (2043-564-76b).

FIRST STUDENT:

We have found a Muggle. May we roast her?

ALL:

A Muggle! A Muggle. Roast her!

SIR PERCIVAL:

How do you know she is a Muggle?

ALL:

She looks like one. I mean look at that Pierre Cardin Suit, it fairly screams 'Legal Power Suit (Tm)'. [AT which utterances a stange sound is heard coming from the lapels of the girl's suit, if you listen closely you would hear the cry 'legal power suit (Tm), legal power suit (Tm).'] And as for that briefcase. . .

SIR PERCIVAL:

Bring her forward so that I might inspect her.

[They bring her forward - a rather average looking young girl (Miss Hermione Granger) dressed in aforementioned suit, with briefcase, red lip-stick and wearing a pair of incredibly impractical red shoes.

MISS HERMIONE GRANGER:

I am not a Muggle. I am not a Muggle.

SIR PERCIVAL:

But you are dressed as one.

[To illustrate this point Sir Percival opens up the Village Ordinances to the section on the 'Identification and Eradication of your garden type Muggle':

    Muggle Identification Chart:

    Dress Style: Is the suspected Muggle dressed in one of the following modes:

a) Legal Power Suit (Tm);

b) Escapee from one of the following: 60's, 70's 80's or Azkaban;

c) Frump;

d) Nerd;

e) Housewife.

    Shoe Style: Is the suspected Muggle shod in the following manner:

a) Incredibly impractical red shoes with unbelievably pointy toes;

b) Thongs;

c) Sandals and socks (male specimens only);

d) Ugg Boots.

    Accessory Style: Is the suspected Muggle carrying one of the following:

e) Briefcase;

f) Fanfiction bound in springback folder;

g) Star Wars swap cards;

h) Harrods catalogue.

[Sir Percival is seen ticking off a number of points].

MISS HERMIONE GRANGER:

But Sir, they dressed me up like this.

ALL:

We didn't, we didn't!

MISS HERMIONE GRANGER:

I mean these are not even my shoes. They are two sizes too small.

[SIR PERCIVAL takes off her shoes commenting mildly that that trick didn't work for the two ugly stepsisters either].

SIR PERCIVAL:

Well?

[The assembled students are seen twisting their toes and generally not looking towards Sir Percival. Finally one student steps forward].

FIRST STUDENT:

. . . .Well, we did do the shoes.

SIR PERCIVAL:

The Shoes?

FIRST STUDENT:

And the briefcase and the suit. But she is a Muggle.

ALL:

A Muggle, a Muggle, Roast her!

SIR PERCIVAL:

So, you did dress her up like this?

FIRST STUDENT:

... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a Mobile Phone though.

SIR PERCIVAL:

That is not yet sufficient reason. Why do you think she is a Muggle?

SECOND STUDENT:

She turned me into an accountant.

SIR PERCIVAL:

An accountant?

SECOND STUDENT:

(After trying to stuff a calculator, three pens and some tax forms into his wizard robes)

Well, I got better.

ALL:

Roast her anyway.

SIR PERCIVAL:

Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a Muggle.

VOLDEMORT and PETER swish up at this point and watch what follows with interest.

ALL:

There are? Tell up. What are they, wise Sir Percival?

SIR PERCIVAL:

Tell me ... what do you do with Muggles?

ALL:

Roast them.

SIR PERCIVAL:

And what do you roast, apart from Muggles?

[The students are seen to think hard. After about five minutes a timid voice from the back says 'bricks'. The students turn as one to stare down the fellow who gibbers on about the fact that if you don't stuff the Ferret with a brick before roasting, it is totally inedible, even then you need a good chilli sauce to hide the flavour. Finally one 'bright' student provides the answer Sir Percival was waiting for].

FOURTH STUDENT:

... Rabbits?

SIR PERCIVAL:

So why do Muggles roast?

SECOND STUDENT:

(pianissimo)

. . . Because they live in holes. . .?

SIR PERCIVAL:

Good.

[STUDENTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion].

ALL:

I see. Yes, of course.

SIR PERCIVAL:

So how can we tell if she lives in a hole?

Miss Granger:

I live at Hogwarts, not in a hole.

FIRST STUDENT:

That proves it then. Hogwarts is a hole... lot better than some places I've lived. [The student started rambling as Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall stroll into view].

SIR PERCIVAL:

Ah ... but do not Ferrets also live in holes?

ALL:

Ah. Yes, of course . . . um . . . err . . .

SIR PERCIVAL:

So what is it that is unique about Rabbits?

ALL:

They can be made out of chocolate?

SIR PERCIVAL:

Yes.... and what else can be made out of chocolate.

ALL (talking over each other)

Eggs? No, no, no. Muffins . . . . Hot drinks . . . very small rocks . . .

VOLDEMORT

A Death Eater by Chocolate mudcake.

They all turn and look at VOLDEMORT. SIR PERCY looks up very impressed.

SIR PERCIVAL:

Exactly. So. . . logically . . .

FIRST STUDENT:

(beginning to pick up the thread)

If she . . . weighs the same as a Death Eater by Chocolate mudcake... she's made of Chocolate.

SIR PERCIVAL:

And therefore?

ALL:

A Muggle! ... A Death Eater by Chocolate mudcake! A Death Eater by Chocolate mudcake! Fetch a Death Eater by Chocolate mudcake.

FOURTH STUDENT

Here is a Death Eater by Chocolate mudcake, Sir Percival.

SIR PERCIVAL:

We shall use my largest scales. Fully approved by the Minisrty of Magic, for just such a function. That will be one galleon apiece, as a weighing fee.

[ALL THE STUDENTS ROOT AROUND FOR THE FEE, AND PAY PERCY]

He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made of wood and rope and leather. They put the Miss Granger in one pan and the Death Eater by Chocolate mudcake in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. PERCY checks each pan then ... VOLDEMORT looks on with interest.

SIR PERCIVAL:

Remove the supports.

Two STUDENTS knock them away with sledgehammers. HERMOINE and the Death Eater by Chocolate mudcake swing slightly but balance perfectly.

ALL:

A Muggle! A Muggle!

MISS HERMIONE GRANGER:

Fair Enough.

All:

Roast her! Roast her! To Merlin with that, let's eat the cake.

[As the students descend on the Death Eater by Chocolate mudcake, Miss Granger slips away quietly thereby proving you cannot have your Cake and Roast it too].

[PERCY and VOLDEMORT ignore the students to regard each other admiringly].

SIR PERCIVAL:

Who are you who are so wise in the ways of Muggledom?

VOLDEMORT:

I am VOLDEMORT, leader of the Knights of the Square Table, with the slightly rounded edges.

SIR PERCIVAL:

[Immediately falls to the ground and grovels at VOLDEMORT'S feet].

My liege . . . forgive me . . .

[VOLDEMORT looks at PETER with obvious satisfaction].

VOLDEMORT:

Good Sir Wizard, will you come with me to Camelot, and join our number at the Square Table, with the slightly rounded edges?

SIR PERCIVAL:

My liege, I am honored.

[VOLDEMORT steps forward, drawing his wand, with a slight hint of difficulty. 'Damn this quill', he mutters as the picture ends up looking more like that of a broken twig than a wand].

VOLDEMORT:

What is your name?

SIR PERCIVAL:

PERCY, my Liege.

VOLDEMORT:

Then I dub you ... Sir PERCY ... Death Eater of the Square Table, with the slightly rounded edges!

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Version Two: The short Version.

[Peter Pettigrew holding onto a long twig runs ahead of Lord Voldemort]: Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh].

[Lord Voldemort raises his hand and he his most loyal servant come to a stop atop a grassy knoll].

[Our scene unfolds to show us the familiar sight of Hogsmeade. The sharp crack of exploding frogs can be heard as young students from Hogwarts enjoy the fruits of their purchases at Zonko's. A group of Seventh year students are seen dragging a rather average looking girl dressed in a 'Legal Power Suit (Tm)', breifcase and incredibly impractical high heeled (6 inches) red shoes with very pointed toes. The students drag her towards a block of semi-detached hovels on a hill near the outskirts of the Village. Sir Percival of Weasley stands outside the hovels with a notebook and a copy of the Hogsmeade Ordinances (2043-564-76b).

FIRST STUDENT:

We have found a Witch. May we Burn her?

ALL:

A Witch! Burn her!

SIR PERCIVAL:

How do you know she is a Witch?

ALL:

She looks like one. Yes, she does.

SIR PERCIVAL:

[They bring her forward - a rather average looking young girl (Miss Hermione Granger) dressed in her normal school robes.

MISS HERMIONE GRANGER:

Of course I'm a witch you stupid gits. . . . This is Hogsmeade after all!

The End.

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