Topsy Turvy

Topsy Turvy

Chapter Six: Flushing Dead People's Heads In Toilets Is Only One Of

Draco Malfoy's Hobbies

Hermione woke up the next morning with a huge headache. She had a feeling that it had something to do with all of the incredible stupidity of the night before.

She dressed and combed, or tried to comb, her hair, which was bushier than usual. She had read somewhere that witches and wizards could control their hair by how they felt. She had a feeling that her hair got frizzier when she was annoyed.

Hermione went through the day trying not to think about the night before. She had thought about telling somebody, but she really was curious about whether Snape, Malfoy, Pettigrew, Percy, and herself would be able to raise the dead. But Hermione really didn't want to admit to herself that Snape had been right, so she just kept telling herself that she could tell somebody later.

"Ho ho ho!" Professor Santos Claws greeted. "Today, we're going to find out how you can Transfigure puppies into doughnuts! FROSTED doughnuts!"

This seemed like one of the dumbest lessons Hermione had ever had. It didn't help either that after all of the puppies were Transfigured, Professor Claws would say, "Mmm... doughnuts," and eat them. That was pretty sick, actually.

Her Defense Against the Dark Arts class wasn't much better. Gravis threw one of her fits about nothing, which was always scary.

Needless to say, Hermione had a very boring day. Even the letter from Lauren didn't cheer her up (Kelsey likes cheese, as it turns out). That night, after she had snuck out, she felt like the most unlucky person in the world.

Which she very well might've been, seeing as she didn't notice that she was being followed.

Hermione knocked on the door of the small, grey house. Peter Pettigrew answered the door, picking his nose the whole time.

Hermione sighed. She was the most normal person in the house and she didn't feel very normal, at all.

Draco Malfoy entered the room. "Ugh. That was nasty."

"What?" Hermione asked.

"We just had to retrieve Black's body from the Ministry. Did you know that that hole he fell into leads to the sewers?" Malfoy asked incredulously.

Hermione, who indeed didn't know this, grimaced.

"You know," Malfoy said to Hermione, "I'm surprised you haven't asked to see the bodies yet. To make sure that they're really not dead."

Hermione, in her usual stuck up voice, replied, "I have no intention of seeing the bodies. Besides, how can you tell that they're not dead?"

"It's not easy," Malfoy said, "But it's sort of obvious when you think about how some of them have been dead for years and they look like they just died two seconds ago."

"They don't decay?"

"Nope. Wanna see?"

"Hardly," Hermione replied.

"Why not?" Malfoy asked.

"It's gross," Hermione answered.

"…"

"…"

"Chicken."

"I am not!"

"Then come down to the cellar. That's where they are."

"Maybe I will," Hermione answered, following Malfoy down to the basement.

Pettigrew began singing a song about the dead bodies in the cellar.

Percy shivered. "Is he always like this?"

"You have no idea," Snape replied.

A few minutes later, Percy and Snape heard the flush of a toilet, a screech, and the sound of people running up stairs. "You are so gross!" Hermione screamed, running upstairs.

Malfoy chuckled. "It was funny!"

"No, it was gross!"

"Funny!"

"Gross!"

"Funny!"

"Okay, how is poking Cedric Diggory with a stick, placing Sirius Black's hand on Dumbledore's butt, and flushing the toilet with James Potter's head in it funny?" Hermione yelled.

"Trust me, it just is," Malfoy answered.

Percy rolled his eyes. Snape smirked at the thought of James Potter getting his head flushed in a toilet. Peter Pettigrew started singing a song about peanuts.

"Peanuts are the yummiest, Peanuts are the funniest. Peanuts are the craziest, Peanuts are the laziest. Nothing can beat --- These nuts that I eat!"

And they said Sirius Black was a madman.

Hermione looked at Snape. "Why are the bodies suspended upside down by one leg?"

"It saves room," Snape said simply. "There are a lot of them."

"And why was James Potter suspended directly over the toilet in the downstairs bathroom?"

Snape didn't answer; just smirked. Malfoy laughed. Pettigrew sang. Percy sniffed. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Do you know why everyone thinks you're all evil?" Hermione asked. "Because you are all disgusting! Who other than Severus Snape would have a bunch of dead bodies in his cellar? Who other than Draco Malfoy would flush one of those body's heads in the toilet? Who other than Peter Pettigrew would sing a stupid song like that about peanuts? Who other than Percy Weasley would... would... do whatever it is that he's doing? You're all sick! Sick, sick, sick, sick..."

Knock knock knock.

Everyone turned to the door.

"You didn't invite anyone else, did you?" Hermione asked in a whisper.

Snape lifted his wand. "Not that I remember."

Snape walked to the door and swung it open. Hermione heard a girl scream. The next thing she knew, Neville Longbottom was being thrown into the room and Snape had Luna Lovegood by the hair.

"Are these friends of your?" Snape asked.

"Neville! Luna! What are you doing here?" Hermione asked.

"Hermione, what are YOU doing here?" Luna asked, the dreaminess gone from her voice for a moment.

Neville looked around nervously. "We heard you yelling."

Draco Malfoy said, "Oh, she was just yelling it up over all of the dead bodies in the cellar."

Neville and Luna both turned a strange shade of white.

"They're not really dead," Percy said comfortingly.

"Just sort of dead," Hermione added.

"But what are they doing here?" Neville asked, gesturing towards Snape, Malfoy, and Pettigrew.

"They are going to raise the dead," Percy answered.

"Huh?"

"Raise the dead," Hermione said. "Believe it or not."

"They're not really dead," Malfoy said. "Just sort of dead."

"Kind of dead," Percy agreed.

"Somewhat dead," Hermione added.

Neville and Luna exchanged looks. It was obvious that they thought the others were crazy.

"Did anyone else follow you?" Snape asked, staring so hardly at Neville that the boy let out a shriek.

"Well..." Luna began.

"Well?" Hermione goaded.

"Well," Luna continued, "we did sort of tell a few people to follow us."

"Who?" Snape asked with a narrowed eye.

Luna continued. "Well, we ran into Professor Lupin on our way out. I think he was there to see Tonks." Percy grimaced. "And we told him that we thought Hermione was going somewhere and that he should follow us."

Snape scowled and rolled his eyes. "Great. Lupin. Just what I need."

"Did you tell anyone else?" Hermione asked.

"Well, after that, we bumped into Professor Gravis and told her that she should follow us," Luna said.

Peter Pettigrew looked up. "Forma Gravis?"

Snape's eyes widened. "Forma Gravis?"

"Yeah, Forma Gravis," Luna said.

"Uh-oh," Snape and Pettigrew said in unison.

"What?" Hermione asked.

"Nothing," Snape said. "I just don't want that lunatic in my house."

Pettigrew whimpered. "Not Forma Gravis."

"You both know her, don't you?" Hermione asked, somewhat stupidly.

"She was in the same year as us in Hogwarts," Snape said. "Unfortunately."

Just then, the door burst open. An angry Remus Lupin pushed his way into the room.

"Ah, crap…" Snape, Pettigrew, Malfoy, Percy, and Hermione said together.