Harry Potter and the Magical Cheese Cracker

Harry Potter and the Magical Cheese Cracker

Harry gasped. "Holy nacho! Do you know what that is?"

Ron shrieked like a little girl. "Fluffy owl! It's... it's..."

Hermione hyperventilated. "Ay carumba! It's the last and most evil of all the Horcruxes!"

Before Harry, Ron, and Hermione stood the epitome of evil. The last and most horrible of all the Horcruxes. All the other Horcruxes they had destroyed were nothing compared to this. No, this was greater and more horrible than anything the Trio could possibly have imagined. It was a... a...

"Hey! A cheese cracker!" Bill said, waltzing in and reaching for the tasty morsel.

"Bill! Don't!" Ron shrieked, loud enough that Harry's glasses shattered.

"No! Bad Billy! Bad Billy!" Charlie said, walking into the room for no reason.

"Grrrr! Me... eat... cheese cracker!" Bill growled. Then, he eyed Harry and licked his lips. "Or, me eat tasty human!"

Hermione, once she stopped hyperventilating, tapped her foot impatiently. "Bill, since when have you been cannibalistic?"

"Since me see how tasty Harry is. Mmm..." Bill replied, leaping forward at Harry. Charlie and Ron held him back. Well, mostly Charlie did ("Bad Billy! Bad Billy!"), seeing as Ron's weak, little girl arms couldn't help much.

Just then, Fred and George walked into the room. Since they were always by each other, they decided to have a surgery done to become conjoined. They were now known as the infamous Siamese Weasels, the most dreaded wizards in Scotland. But, the reasoning behind that is a completely different story.

"Can't we all just get along?" Fred and George asked together, in this freaky, evil way. They then proceeded to kill Charlie.

"OMG! You killed Charlie!" Ron squeaked.

Harry, whose glasses were still broken, searched around in vain for the evil cheese cracker.

Now, with Charlie no longer holding him back, Bill leapt forward and ate the table cloth.

Just then, Percy walked in. He had just recently been featured as Witch Weekly's most "Super Sexy Nerd" and had won the lottery four times. Of course, he had blown all his money in Vegas and was now a hobo.

Percy, pushing his shopping cart into the room, said, "Can anyone spare some change for a war veteran?"

"Hey! You're not a war veteran!" Fred and George said together. "Now you must pay the price for your lie!" But, before they could kill Percy, somebody on the other side of the wall began smashing a large hole in the door with an ax.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeere's Arthur!" Mr. Weasley said.

"Daddy, tell Fred 'n' George to play nice," Percy the Hobo whimpered.

"Play nice, yo!" Mr. Weasley said, smashing the couch with his ax.

Of course, Fred and George were paying no attention to this, because they were currently in a duel with Bill. Percy, giving up, fell asleep on the mangled couch. Arthur continued smashing everything up.

Ron blinked. "I'm scared..."

Hermione sighed, reaching for Ron's arm. "Come on, Ron. Let's go, um, play chess in your bedroom."

"Ooh! Chess!" Ron said, giggling.

Hermione sighed, again. She followed Ron out of the room, hoping that when she tried to explain to him that they wouldn't be playing chess he wouldn't get too upset.

"Ahem! Has everyone forgotten about me?" Harry said, trying to find the magical cheese cracker blindly.

"Not me, Daddy!" Severus Potter said, walking into the room.

Draco Malfoy and Wormtail followed Severus Potter into the room. But, when Arthur saw them, he shrieked. "Die, Death Eaters!"

Draco shrieked and fainted. "Good heavens!"

Wormtail, being too stupid to move away from the ax, was killed.

"Come help me find this cheese cracker, Son!" Harry said to Severus.

Severus giggled. "Alright, Daddy!" He picked up the cheese cracker. "This?"

"Yup. Har har, good job, Son!" Harry said, patting Severus on the shoulder.

Just then, Draco woke up. "Oh, I think I broke a nail!" He looked at the cheese cracker. "Oh, scrumptious!"

Draco then ate the magical cheese cracker and died.

"Yeah! The Horcrux had been destroyed!" Harry cheered, leaping into the air.

"We did it, Daddy!" Severus exclaimed in happiness.

Hermione stepped into the room, her hair messy. Ron followed, his shirt backwards. "What's going on here?"

"I think I just ate a magical cheese cracker that was really a Horcrux and died," the ghost of Draco said. He straitened out his pink "Daddy's Girl" shirt and sighed. "Being dead isn't as great as they make it sound."

Mrs. Weasley walked in. "Arthur, did you kill the couch again? Bad Arthur! Bad Arthur!"

Hermione looked around the room. "Hey, where's Ginny? Every other Weasley -dead or alive- is here."

"Oh, she joined the circus. She's the bearded lady," Ron said.

Hermione sighed. "That is so stupid. In fact, this entire situation is stupid!"

"But, not as stupid as me, right?" Ron asked.

Hermione pondered over this for a moment. "Nope. You got me there."

Ron put his arm around Hermione's shoulder. "Yup. I suuuuuuuuuure did!"

THE END!!! (OMG!)