There's Something About Mary Sue

The Christmas season soon came upon the students of Hogwarts, and with Mary Sue's permission the weather finally turned snowy like it should be at this time of year. Every student stayed at the castle because, how could they ever leave their dear Mary Sue?! Hogsmeade became packed with all the extra students who spent their time discreetly stalking Mary Sue while she shopped for Christmas presents (most for herself). She never minded her stalkers though- hey, they helped carry her numerous bags of presents!

Hogwarts was to host another Yule Ball this winter, but not that Dumbledore wanted the students to stay at school because of Voldemort's rising power and that they would be protected from You-Know-Who only at Hogwarts, or some silly, substantial reason like that. No, Mary Sue had a new gown that she really, really liked, so she petitioned to have a Yule Ball to show her dress off and all the students signed it immediately.

Christmas morning was a bright and happy affair, but it was also boring, so we'll just skip right along to the night of the Yule Ball which is much more exciting.

Harry couldn't help but fidget as he dressed himself for the ball. He wore the same forest green dress robes that he had been told made him look very dashing (last year by Mrs. Weasley and... recently by... Professor... Snape...), but would that be enough for Mary Sue? The girl could dress in a Ronald McDonald costume covered in French fry grease with mustard stains and still be able to stun everyone at the ball (er, and I mean in an entrancing, beautiful kind of way).

Meanwhile, Ron shot Harry death glares every few seconds, perhaps because he was wearing last year's ensemble too. It had grown a bit short on him, so Mrs. Weasley sent more lace and ruffles to lengthen it. Needless to say, Ron didn't have a date to the ball.

Not that Mary Sue hadn't tried to set him up with someone, as she had done with many students whom she deemed would be "just the cutest couple ever!" (which will basically reflect the author's taste in couples). Consequently Mary Sue reconciled Hermione and Draco together, a pre-evil Tom Riddle arrived to ask Ginny to the dance, and Cho Chang dropped off a cliff. Mary Sue almost convinced Lavender to go with Ron by telling her to forget whatever that bat Trelawney had said about red-haired men, but Lavender refused flat-out once she saw Ron's dress robes. Sadly, that became the final reason every girl gave for not going out with Ron.

Though really, Harry knew Ron wouldn't be happy going with any girl to the ball since it was Mary Sue he really wanted to go with (along with the rest of the male population at Hogwarts). However, Harry couldn't worry about the strain that one girl made on a five-year relationship with his best friend. Not when he was going on a date with Mary Sue. Such a thing needed hours and hours of preparation!

Finally he was ready, so Harry and Ron waited in the common room for Mary Sue.

"I'm sorry you have to go to the dance alone, Ron,"Harry said, trying to make conversation and being very oblivious. "It must be really hard seeing everyone else paired up. You'll just be standing there swirling a half-drunk cup of punch in your hand while bitterly watching everyone smiling and dancing around you as you lean against the refreshment table wishing that you had someone, but more importantly wishing that you were someone, and not just the tall, freckled geek wearing a lacy dress who stands out more in the crowd than a stick figure in a Rembrandt painting." He clapped Ron on the shoulder, chuckling slightly. "Yeah, it must really suck to be you."

Ron shucked Harry's hand off of him. "Yeah, it must..."

Just then, Mary Sue came gliding down the staircase, her dainty feet stepping slowly so that Harry could take in the whole effect. Her mint green curls had been brushed to a shine, half of her tresses being held up by a bit of mistletoe and the lower half running down past her shoulders like a tropical waterfall. Her ruby red eyes sparkled, their color heightened by the deep red and green velvet of her dress. As Mary Sue descended the final step, a mystifying cloud of vanilla filled the air.

"Ma... Ma... Mary Sue," sputtered Harry, his eyes as big as saucers. "You look... I... uh..."

"Amazing," Ron finished for him, just as dumbstruck.

"Yeah, that."

"Don't I though?" Mary Sue giggled as she preened for them. "Now c'mon, let's go. I have many more stares of astonished awe to induce, not to mention getting down with my funky self."

Mary Sue did indeed get more stares and got down with her funky self more than anybody had any right to. Being the expert dancer everyone expected her to be, Mary Sue taught the students classic dance moves such as the robot, the Macarena, and even the shuffle-your-feet-around-while-singing-the-lyrics-to-the-song-and-moving-your-hands-about-in-a-crazy-manner dance. Out of breath from finishing a country line dance to Moby's We Are All Made of Stars, Mary Sue took a break at the refreshment table, taking a place near Ron.

"So Ron, having a fun time?" She asked brightly.

Ron gave her a look that distinctly told her he was not.

"Oh, right. I'm really sorry I couldn't find you a date, Ron. You know if it wasn't for Harry, I would have gone with you myself."

Ron stared at her in shock. "Really? You would have wanted to go to the dance with... me?"

"Of course! I think the way you brood around all the time, crack immature jokes, and go into fits of jealous anger is really, really attractive."

"Well Mary Sue, you probably already knew this, but I really like y-"

With all the bad timing of a joke told by Snape, Harry suddenly arrived by Mary Sue's side.

"Whew! I never knew the Hokey-Pokey could be so intensive!"

Mary Sue ignored Harry and asked, "What were you saying Ron?"

Ron glanced darkly at Harry and replied, "Nothing."

Now's the time where a sappy love song plays which is supposed to fit the relationship of the characters, but doesn't often.

'Tale as old as time

True as it can be

Barely even friends

Then somebody bends

Unexpectedly

Just a little change

Small to say the least

Both a little scared

Neither one prepared

Beauty and the Beast'

"Oh Harry! This fits us perfectly. Wouldn't you like for this to be our song?"

"Uh... sure." For some reason Harry seemed nervous. His hand was practically shaking in Mary Sue's, and his palms were so sweaty that he and Mary Sue left a puddle wherever they danced.

Mary Sue, who was extraordinarily intuitive, immediately picked up on his feelings. "Harry, I can tell you're so happy and calm right now. Wouldn't you love for this moment to go on forever?"

She laid her soft green head on Harry's shoulder and Harry felt his throat dry like a prune. It was now or never.

"I... I love you Mary Sue."

Mary Sue slowly raised her crimson eyes to his emerald ones. Her mouth dropped open for a couple of seconds with shock and joy. Crystalline tears began to fall down her porcelain cheeks.

"Oh Harry," She gasped. "I love me too!"

Ah, it was the perfect, romantic evening. After Beauty and the Beast played Eminem's Without Me came on, and they decided that that was their song. Then came Metallica, and Sum 41, and Limp Bizkit. Finally they settled on Britney Spears' Oops, I Did It Again- temporarily.

The dance finally slowed down. Mary Sue and Harry prepared to leave when Ron tapped Harry on the shoulder.

"Could we talk for a minute?"

After small look of surprise, Harry answered. "Sure, what about?"

Ron shook his head. "Outside."

(Prepare readers, for The Big, Serious Fight!)

Ron led Harry to the outskirts of the castle, near the lake. He stared a few minutes at its now black colored depths, as if collecting his thoughts, while Harry stood there, half-dreaming of Mary Sue and the wonderful time they had had together at the dance. Ron finally turned around to see Harry with a silly grin on his face and his eyes glazed over, and this seemed to fan the fire of his anger even more.

"You know, when I was growing up," Ron began quietly. "I was always surrounded by my family. We all look the same, act the same, and people know us just by looking at our hair. And when Bill, Charlie, and Percy started going to Hogwarts and doing all these things, I was really excited to go. Bill was Head Boy, Charlie had his Quidditch, and Percy had his grades, so I knew I could finally find my own place, you know? I thought I could finally be something other than another Weasley. But then I meet you on the train and we become friends, and I did become something- another one of Harry Potter's fans."

He stopped as if wanting to be in control of his emotions, and then continued, staring hard at Harry. "Why does it always have to be you, huh? Why do you have to be famous all your life to the whole world without even asking for it, and I can't get a little attention at school for five seconds?! You don't even like being famous. Oh, but wait, that's not true," Ron stepped closer to Harry, his eyes narrowing. "You do like all this attention don't you, Harry? Every time something happens at Hogwarts, you're the one to find out and do something about it. You can't get enough of the fact that everyone in the Wizard world loves you so much and-"

"Ron I thought we already had this fight last year," said Harry tiredly. "You know I never asked for any of this. Do you honestly think I wanted Voldemort to kill my parents so that I could live with the Dursleys? Then, when I come to Hogwarts and think my life's going to be actually happy, or at least normal for once, Voldemort just keeps coming after me-"

"Oh, boohoo for you. As if you don't know that Dumbledore will always be there to protect you from You-Know-Who, or you'll be the one to kill him once and for all! That's what everyone expects anyway..."

"Fine! You want to make a name for yourself so bad, why don't you go off and kill him? It'd sure make my life a lot easier."

"Yes, lose your best friend because we all know you've got tons more!" Ron snarled.

"You're not acting like my best friend very much right now, are you? In fact," Harry said, his tone going from angry to slow and questioning. "Were you ever really my friend? How do I know that you weren't any different from Malfoy that first day on the train? How do I know you didn't just use me to get some popularity for yourself? Now it's backfired on you and you're finally realizing it."

"Oh, oh so now you are admitting that you're 'Mr. Popular' and that people are just begging to be your friends? You really don't know me at all, do you?"

"I know you're being a real jerk right now, don't I?" The fight paused for a second as each boy tried not to start bashing one another over the head. "This isn't even about me is it?" Harry continued. "You're just jealous because of Mary Sue, aren't you?"

"Yes, okay, I am jealous. She's one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen and of course, she picks you as her boyfriend. And for awhile, I was okay with that, because," Ron shrugged his shoulders. "You know, why would she want me? Last year you had to get me a date with Padma and we all know how that turned out. I figured then that I didn't exactly have good luck with girls. But, tonight Mary Sue told me that she would have gone with me to the dance- if it weren't for you. That's just the way it's always going to be, isn't it? You're always going to be in the way..."

Harry, at a loss for words, studied the grass near his feet for a while. After a few seconds, he heard the pitter patter of feet and turned around to see Mary Sue striding (very gracefully and girlish) towards them.

"Mary Sue, what are you doing here?" he asked.

"Well," she said breathlessly. "I was waiting for the tensest moment to accidentally interrupt."

"Oh."

Ron eyed the two of them and declared that he was going to bed. Harry watched him trudge off, a mixture of anger and guilt coursing through him.

"So, tell me everything! What did he say, what did you say, are you going to duel for me in front of everyone at noon tomorrow?!" Mary Sue asked with the eagerness of a puppy that you just want to kick so badly.

"I can't talk now, Mary Sue. I think I'm going to go to bed too." He shrugged off her hand from his shoulder and walked slowly to the castle.

Mary Sue, in such a state of distress, went directly to the Hogwart's kitchen, where she promptly ate every piece of chocolate and sugary confection that the House Elves offered. For the satisfaction of everyone reading this, she gained half a pound because of it.

To be continued...