There's Something About Mary Sue

It was the beginning of the New Year and Mary Sue, with winter white hair and crystal blue eyes, was back with the Happy-Go-Lucky-People (sometimes called the Students-Formerly-Known-As-Slytherins). She had considered staying with the Hufflepuffs, but she wondered if they were still a bit sore at her from the Quidditch match (which of course they weren't), and then there were the Ravenclaws, but really, their amount of intelligence was much to scary for her. So it was back to the good ol' Happy-Go-Lucky-People.

To be honest, she didn't really know many of them besides Draco and Professor Snape. Of course, she had tucked the students into bed when she had stayed with them before, but when you're in the middle of a song ballad there's not much room for introductions, much less actual conversation. And she was always too busy trying to understand the lesson than chat during her classes with them, and during breaks she spent all her time surreptitiously stalking Harry. But Mary Sue supposed she could stick by Draco and become acquainted with his friends (Draco's one friend: the mirror).

She spotted his silvery blonde head and began walking towards him- but something about the person standing beside him stopped her. That slack jaw, those hunched shoulders, that puddle of drool seeping slowly from his mouth- why Gregory Goyle was a HUNK! Mary Sue's heart hammered against her chest and she suddenly felt faint.

"I'm with Harry, remember?" she muttered to herself. "He's... he's all I care about. Yes, Harry, Harry, Harry..."

Gregory raised one beefy arm to swipe at his slobber and then laughed idiotically at himself, but as far as Mary Sue was concerned, he might as well have taken his shirt off and swished it around his head like a helicopter.

"Oh! Oh, I think I need to sit down!" Mary Sue sat down, rapidly fanning herself and looking flushed.

She was saved from having a major meltdown in front of her new housemates by rushing to Care of Magical Creatures an hour early. But really,

Gregory had started burping the alphabet and she didn't think she could stay without rabidly pouncing on him and proclaiming herself as his personal slave, the seductive thing that he is. She spent the time before class fondly thinking of Gregory- er, Harry.

*~*~*~*~*

Now comes the critical point in a story; the part that stretches and exhausts the author's intelligence and creativity to a minute, stomped on, and badly berated gumball- Trying To Write Hagrid's Accent...Properly (in other words, use half formed sentences loaded with apostrophes).

"Wel'me t' Ca' O' Ma' Cre's, Ye', I' y' w'nt t' s' th't I w's dr' m'j'r. S'y th' ws dr'm m' f'r j'st'c'. 'nd 'll 'f th' 'thr sh'll'w th' w'll n't m'tt. W'n' h'v' 'ny m'n'y t' l'v' b'h'nd. W'n't h'v th' f'n' 'nd l'x'r's th'ngs 'n l'f' b'h'nd. B't j'st w'nt t' l'v c'mm'tt'd l'f b'h'nd. 'Nd th' t's 'll w'nt t' s'y abstemious?" said Hagrid, beaming at his students.

They all stared at him blankly.

Hermione stepped forward cautiously. "Here, Hagrid," and she handed him a dictionary. "Get some help." She patted his arm and stepped back into the crowd.

Hagrid looked quite disgruntled. "Eez snot mea, ees tha' dum' awethur! Sheez makeen mea zownd all schtoopid! Aargh! Shea don' nowe haow ta right haw I tok! Knowbedy doez!" He threw his hands up in the air and pouted thoroughly for a few minutes. With an annoyed sigh, he picked up the dictionary and began thumbing through it. His interest seemed to grow and he began rapidly reading every page, his beady black eyes soaking up every word till he finished the book five minutes later. Snapping it shut and drawing himself up a little taller, he spoke at last.

"Right, I am indeed grieved for the time spent while I better educated myself. I hope you will apply yourselves sedulously to the lesson to make up for the misused time. No time for querulous deprecation of my class now, for I will retaliate by calling you the felicitous names that come with such an offense."

The class all stared again.

"If you will just follow me, as my hut is hardly capacious.... Don't be so obdurate now; come along.... Draco and Hermione, stop that osculation! Do not make me upbraid you two..."

Unfortunately, as the new and improved Hagrid led them to a bright, sunny spot near the lake, he tripped on a gopher hole and once again became the warm-hearted, unlearned man we all know and love.

Frolicking in the snow-covered clearing ahead of the class were what looked like tiny, blue and pink Furbies. One came up to Mary Sue (as she had a natural animal magnetism), stared up at her with its big innocent eyes, and purred. Immediately, Mary Sue cradled the fuzzy creature in her arms, and the rest of the class gave the perfunctory oohs and ahhs.

"These are Snarfulbunkelfills. They pin down and growl at extremely evil wizards whose names start with the letter V. Sure ter be dead useful near the end of this story- er, I mean year- er... I wasn't supposed ter tell ye yeh that."

No one was really listening anyway.

"Righ'," Hagrid spoke to the class. "Now, I'm going ter group yeh up in completely random order, I repeat- COMPLETELY RANDOM ORDER! Now, firs' group... Harry, Hermione, and Ron... second group... Parvati and Lavender... third group... Neville with... eh, yerself... fourth group... Mary Sue and Gregory..."

Hagrid continued listing off the groups, but Mary Sue's ears had gone a little fuzzy. Harry gave her an apologetic half-smile and walked over to Hermione, still keeping far away indeed from Ron. Gregory stared at her with a look Mary Sue interpreted as 'smoulderingly', but what we would know as 'determining if she was A) a girl, B) his partner, and C) worthy of all his Gregory Goyle Goodness.'

Mary Sue took the initiative. "H-Hi, I'm Mary Sue. We're supposed to be partners?"

Gregory nodded in comprehension. "You. Me. Partners. Gooood."

Mary Sue nearly fainted with such an obvious display of hunkety-hunkness. How could she resist him with his vacant stare, oversized slobbery lips, and- NO! No, thinking like that was all very, very wrong. Why Harry, with his... skinny, little body... and thick tufts of hair that made his head look like a prickly bush... and round glasses that were so 1940s... and... well, really he was her boyfriend and that should be enough! She forced herself to concentrate on the task at hand, though she had no idea what it was.

"What's wrong Harry?" Hermione asked, noticing how Harry kept glancing to their right.

Harry was watching Mary Sue, who was avidly working on her project by sitting on Goyle's lap, giggling, and playing with that git's, admittedly, silky soft hair. Surely that didn't mean anything though....

"Nothing," Harry replied, quickly moving to get his bag. "Class is almost over and we've got to get to Defense Against the Dark Arts."

Harry walked over to Mary Sue and Goyle, wanting to walk to Quilocklupoody's with her. With a look of disappointment that Harry carefully ignored, Mary Sue slowly got off Gregory's lap, said goodbye ("Tata, my great, gorgeous Greggykins!") and trudged off to class with her boyfriend, sneaking looks behind her all the way.

"Everyone sit down. Settle down now class. Please, no more talking. WOULD YOU SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE TWITS!"

This was the normal start of DADA class, which was still, surprisingly, everyone's favorite class. Sure, Professor Quilocklupoody spent all class testing murderous, pain-filled curses on Mary Sue, but it didn't really matter since she passed through them without the slightest twinge of pain. Many students believed their teacher was simply using Mary Sue to demonstrate how they should be acting. Most importantly, Quilocklupoody was very fetching when you couldn't see her magical eye, and that made up for her small tendency to screech at them during all of class, and pile them with loads of homework.

"Today," said Quilocklupoody, carrying a vile with some bubbling, acid green liquid inside, and a sinister smile creeping up her face. "I think we'll try the Slowly-Killing-You-Just-When-You-Think-You're-Getting-Better potion. It's very mild. Though it's also very, very popular with Death Eaters. If you will, Miss Mary Sue?" She handed her the vile.

Mary Sue downed it quickly, licking her lips afterwards. "Mmm, tastes like candy."

Quilocklupoody frowned at this. "Most prisoners say that it tastes like the last of their bitter will and hope being sucked out of their souls... or so I've heard."

Mary Sue shrugged and went back to doodling the name Gregory all over her notes.

Looking very disappointed, Quilocklupoody shuffled back to her desk, sinking heavily into the leather chair behind it. With her auburn head in her long hands, she called out desperately. "Potter and Weasley please come to my desk."

Harry and Ron, at opposite sides of the room, walked toward her.

She was scribbling something on a piece of paper. "I need you two to look up some books for me in the library. Some are in the restricted section, so I'll sign you a note."

She handed the names to Harry, who caught some titles such as Idiot Proof Poisons, When Killing Gets Complicated, and Students Who Knew Too Much And The Curses That Killed Them (with a forward by Professor Snape).

"How long is this going to take?" asked Ron, his eyes staring tiredly at the ceiling. "I don't think I can take more than an hour in the library with the Great Harry Potter." He cut his eyes at Harry. "Or do you think you could call off your photo shoots and fan appearances for an afternoon?"

"I thought you'd want them to come. Seems to be the only way you'd get attention, " Harry replied bitingly.

Professor Quilocklupoody watched all of this with raised, perfectly shaped eyebrows. After a moment her spirits seemed to lift considerably. "Potter, you take over looking for the books and get that Granger girl to help, if you will. Weasley, I'd like to see you after class." She dismissed them, and class ended a few minutes later.

Harry, Mary Sue, and Hermione all walked slowly toward the Great Hall for lunch. Harry gave Hermione the list of books and note, and she eagerly took off to the library. Immediately after she left, Harry took Mary Sue's hands in his, his eyes half-closed and shoulders slumping. "I am so tired of Ron and the way he's been acting lately. I'm just so glad to have you, Mary Sue."

"Oh, right... about that," she stuttered, eyes downcast. "I... I... Harry, I've met someone else."

Harry went white and slowly released Mary Sue's buttery soft hands.

"I've only met him today, but... but I think it's love, Harry."

"Goyle?!" Harry croaked, his eyes round.

Mary Sue nodded, biting her lip. "Yes, and don't think it's just a lust thing. I mean, yes he's much more handsome, tall, and charmingly witty than you'll ever be," Mary Sue sounded breathless now. "But I really do love him."

"Goyle?!"

"I know, I don't know how I ever deserved him. Oh wait, yes I do! We're perfectly suited for each other. We'll be the King and Queen of Hogwarts and-"

"GOYLE?!"

Okay, Mary Sue was getting a little annoyed now. How hard is it to understand that Gregory is absolutely irresistible? Is he not totally the British version of Ben Affleck? "Yes, Harry! Gregory Arthur Goyle. Man of my dreams and thief of my heart. Just as I am the Guinevere to his Lancelot, the Juliet to his Romeo, the Jackie to his President Kennedy, or maybe the Marilyn to his President Kennedy, the Sooyoung to his Woody Allen, the Monica Lewinsky to his-"

Harry's face was sickly green now. "Please, no more analogies."

Mary Sue's face looked as nice as it could be for what she was about to say. "Face it, Harry. We're over."

Harry stood there dully. He really should start expecting these days when everything would come crashing down on him, yet he remained surprised when they did. "Fine," he said, standing rigidly.

But Harry, with his hands stuck stupidly in his pockets, felt the need for a parting shot. Something he knew would really hurt her to the core. "Well you know what else? I don't like your hair white. It makes you look like a Grandma..." which was a total lie, but Mary Sue didn't know that.

"Oh Harry," Mary Sue's large, doe-like eyes filled with tears. "How could you be so mean as to say something like that!" She fled to her new dorms, and inevitably to Goyle's beefy, hairy, though admittedly, manly arms.

Harry spent a long time in the hallway.

There are some things you can't go through without ending up as friends, and there are some things you can't go through without ending up as enemies, and leaving your boyfriend for Gregory Goyle is one of them.

To be continued...