There's Something About Mary Sue

Mary Sue was quite unworried about her very first Quidditch match later that morning. Instead of staying up all night fretting about it like any normal person sharing her ultimate lack of any skills would do, Mary Sue had slept peacefully through the alarm clock of her own singing (which has been known to wake the dead) and was already twenty minutes late for the match. But really, there was silky, soft chestnut hair to be washed and perfect, professional-like make-up to be applied, so darn the time! Slipping on a seashell pink robe over the boxers and wife-beater she always slept in, she began her arduous work. (Not that Mary Sue is ugly without her make-up and hair done; she's astonishingly beautiful all the time! Really, I believe she simply does it to make the other girls in her dorm feel better about themselves, never mind that none of them are in the room at the time. It's all out of the pure goodness of her heart, angel that she is.........).

So it actually wasn't another hour till Mary Sue arrived on the Quidditch pitch, her hair in a sporty yet elegant quaff, her make-up accentuating all of her best features (meaning her entire face) and donning a robe that looked... very gross indeed. Though Mary Sue had tried out for the Gryffindor Quidditch team, it was decided that since Mary Sue earned points for her own House, she should simply play all the spots for her own Quidditch team. Since Puffclawgriffslyth's colors are red, blue, yellow, and green, Mary Sue came up with the brilliant beyond brilliant idea of mixing them together to become a lovely shade of......... barf. Not that it made her look any less stunning, of course. She considered barf to be one of her best colors indeed.

Mary Sue walked to the line of her opposing team, the Hufflepuffs, as regal as any queen. Taking a few minutes to wave 'Miss America-ish' at the crowd (who were all wearing barf-colored ribbons to show support of Mary Sue- and I do mean everyone, even the Hufflepuffs- but hey what did you expect, I mean, c'mon, they're Hufflepuffs, you could persuade them to buy you a shrubbery with a red herring for goodness sake.........), she sobered and put on her game face, which entailed looking super cute in a competitive, aggressive kind of way. Madame Hooch blew her whistle and the game began.

Hufflepuffs, as is the case with almost everything they do, are completely horrible at Quidditch. Have been for centuries and centuries, and is basically a known fact. Ninety-nine out of 100 Hufflepuffs have a total lack of sports talent (Cedric Diggory being the 1 out of 100 because he was somewhat good), and therefore everyone assumed that Mary Sue would have them beat in a nanosecond. However, we smart and intelligent people know differently.

Mary Sue sat floating in mid air, thinking hard (meaning she was coming a little close to the possibility of forming the idea of an actual thought). But it all looked very picturesque, so no one really cared that the Hufflepuffs had scored ten points for their team already (10 points and only 20 minutes into the game! Why it was a Hufflepuff record!). Mary Sue was simply trying to remember the rules of the game.

"Well I'm on a broomstick, so that seems right so far... and it's flying, so that should be right too......... hmm......... I wonder what my latest issue of Sensational Scrapbooking says- oh stop it! You've got to concentrate, Mary Sue!"

The crowded bleachers below were going crazy, everyone cheering wildly. Instead of doing 'the wave', they did 'the Mary Sue', which involved flipping one's hair and giggling cherubically.

Now what was it Harry had told Mary Sue? Catch a tiny, golden ball with wings. She searched around for such a ball and found none. Then a large red ball caught her eye. 'Aha! I've found it!'

The Hufflepuffs were just about to make their second goal when Mary Sue streamlined through them like a bowling ball. The Quaffle, er, I mean snitch flew up into the air and then landed in Mary Sue's two perfect hands.

"I've caught it! I've caught the Snitch!" Mary Sue cried triumphantly.

The stadium erupted. Mary Sue drifted peacefully down to the ground to meet with her fans. No, she had never smiled as much as she did now, except for that one time when her hair had come out really, really perfectly from the hair dressers, but honestly, how could you beat that?

Mary Sue, a proud American (which I forgot to tell you earlier, but you were all thinking it anyway), wanted to have a traditional Thanksgiving at Hogwarts and invited all of her closest friends. So the entire student body along with the faculty piled up in the Great Hall, ready for a rip roaring, Amish good time.

Dressed as a traditional Pilgrim/Indian, Mary Sue taught them all a lesson in America's history.

"So Pocahontas left her hometown of Los Angeles, California for Venice, Italy. There she met Sacagawea, who carried Pocahontas on her back as they toured the Italian countryside. Finally they felt like leaving, and easily found a cruise ship to take them home. Its name was the Juneweed, and its captain was Christopher Columbus, who later went on to direct a movie called Ha-"

Fred Weasley interrupted Mary Sue's extremely intellectual lesson by raising his hand.

"Yes?"

"What's a movie?"

"Er, just never mind that- so with the help of Pocahontas and Sacagawea, Chris was able to find the New World and it's been a time of happiness and joy ever since. The end! Let's eat!"

Mary Sue, saint that she is, had prepared the food for the feast herself, and therefore it was perfectly vile and disgusting. The students gorged themselves on traditional Thanksgiving and American entrées such as burritos, pork fried rice, eel, es cargo, sushi, and falafels. When the students left, they finally knew why America was absolutely the best country in the world and began making plans to transfer to one of the schools there immediately.

To be continued...